I remember the exact moment I became a New York Knicks fan: The first-ever NBA Draft Lottery on June 18, 1985, when commissioner David Stern pulled the Pacers' envelope from George Jetson's dryer, meaning Indiana would pick second in the upcoming draft and the Knicks would pick first -- and undoubtedly select Georgetown center Patrick Ewing, my favorite player.

If you're 12 years old, a basketball junkie, and most of your family either graduated from Georgetown or attends the school in 1985, it's hard to overstate your excitement when the local NBA team lands Ewing. Sure, he and the Hoyas had stabbed me in the heart by losing to Villanova in the NCAA title game that spring, but he'd led the school to 3 title games in four years, including one championship. In the annals of college big men, how many outside Westwood, California, could unabashedly pit their resume against his? Not Shaquille O'Neal or Tim Duncan or Ralph Sampson or Akeem Olajuwon, because none of them won NCAA titles.

Before Pat Ewing (and remember, he was "Pat" before arriving in NYC), I had no firm NBA allegiance. The early to mid-80s was an exciting time in pro basketball, but living in Fairfield County, Connecticut, my only NBA-viewing option was the Rory Sparrow-led New York Knicks. Sure, the Celtics, Sixers and Lakers played exciting ball on the nationally televised weekend games, but none of them corralled my loyalty. In retrospect, it now seems I realized (albeit subconsciously) that NBA basketball was 8 months of waste and one month of wonder.

When Ewing arrived in New York, however, I started watching Knicks games regularly. Unfortunately, the team didn't transform overnight. Sure, Ewing won the NBA Rookie of the Year award in 1985-86, but he missed more than 30 games due to injury and the team limped through another lackluster season, finishing 44 games behind Larry Bird and the champion Celtics in the Atlantic Division. If I'd been a cynical pre-teen, I might have wondered, "Why couldn't my entire family have gone to Indiana State?"

Over the next decade-plus, Patrick Ewing and the Knicks couldn't get past the Celtics, Pistons and Bulls in the East; and when they finally did, in 1994 (when Jordan was off flailing at change-ups), the Knicks fell to the Houston Rockets in the NBA Finals. In the ensuing years, Ewing turned into something of a farce, boldly predicting victories but never delivering. In 2000, he was abducted by aliens and never heard from again. In the meantime, I've tried to maintain my allegiance to the Knicks, if only to honor his memory. But the drunken uncles in charge at Madison Square Garden make it impossible right now.

Here, in short, is what needs to happen for me to become a New York Knicks fan again:

1. James Dolan needs to go to prison and lose ownership of the team. If the clever, conniving Martha Stewart can get caught for insider trading, then James Dolan is living on borrowed freedom. He must have done something illegal. The fine folks at TMZ need to find out what, embarrass the hell out of him (ya know, to prove it's actually possible), then let the law take over. I'm not averse to framing him.

2. Isiah Thomas needs to relinquish the compromising photos of James Dolan and that rare Chinese panda. If Dolan goes to prison, hopefully for something utterly humiliating, it stands to reason that Thomas's blackmail photos will lose their influence, opening the way for Thomas's dismissal and his public stoning.

3. The Knicks need to draft Georgetown center Roy Hibbert. I confess, I like symmetry. Am I saying he's the next Patrick Ewing? No, he's the first Roy Hibbert. At least I think he is. He might have ancestors named Roy.

4. The Knicks need to pay Stephon Marbury to go away. Listen, I'm sorry about the deaths in his family this season, but he was a selfish, pouting lout well before those happened. Besides, people die every day, and his inability to deal with the reality of that -- like everyone else in the world -- just underscores his self-absorption.

5. The Knicks need to re-hire Jeff Van Gundy. Come on, we've all seen "The Lion King," so we all know the song, so sing it with me: "In the Circle of Life/In the wheel of fortune/It's the leap of faith/It's the band of hope."
(Don't kid yourself; you sing along when no one's around.)

6. The Knicks need to hire current Orlando Magic (?) assistant coach Patrick Ewing, in some capacity, any capacity, to infuse the organization with some semblance of excitement, not to mention throw a bone to the fans who were last excited by the Knicks when Ewing was their leader. If Michael Jordan can get a job as "Managing Member of Basketball Operations" for the Carolina Bobcats, and Isiah Thomas -- a freaking Detroit Piston! -- can become general manager of the New York Knicks, then Patrick Ewing can find a job at Madison Square Garden. My god, on-air dilettante Walt Frazier has been getting paid to ab-lib fake words for the last 20 years. I say we let Walt Clyde go prowl for cougars with Keith Hernandez, and let Ewing call games with Marv Albert. Is he qualified? Are you kidding me? He has a fine arts degree from Georgetown, of course he is.

So, if ALL six of these criteria are met, I will start rooting for the New York Knicks again. In June anyway. After all, NBA basketball is eight months of waste and one month of wonder.