Once again, the NBA held it's annual tribute to cultural diversity once known as the draft. While many of the selections made sense, some were mystifying or even downright hilarious. Here are my observations on Round One.

Toronto-#1

The Raptors kicked off the affair by drafting "Baby Tchaikovsky" or whatever they call him. What were the odds David Stern would slip and call him Andrea Bocelli?

Anyway, let the comparisons to Dirk Nowitzki commence. After all Bocelli is 7' tall and white. I guess that since I'm 5'9" tall and white, people will inevitably compare me to Christian Bale. That's great news, I'm finally Batman.

Charlotte-#3

The Hornets, no the Bobcats, take Adam Morrison, the guy many thought was the best player out there. Isiah Thomas and Dennis Rodman are incensed, though because two of the first three picks are white, which means if they had been black they would have been picked much later. Does the NBA still have a Hornets franchise?

CropBlazers-#6

Portland steps up and takes the player many also thought was the best in the draft, Brandon Roy. If he had been black he'd be just another ballplayer . . . . What? He is black. Oh. Never mind.

Memphis-#8

The artists formerly known as Les Grizz select, yes it's true, Rudy Gay. How in the world did this happen? Not the draft pick; being saddled with the last name Gay. If this guy hadn't been in more fights than the entire NHL by fourth grade, I'll eat a spam sandwich. I can see the commercials now. James Bond's theme plays in the background and you hear Rudy say "The name's Gay, Rudy Gay" while a beautiful seductress looks up and snickers.

Jerry West gave up Shane Battier for a loafer. But what if he has a few good years and West uses him for trade bit. Who wants to be the guy to replace Rudy? One bad game and the fans are saying, "he's all right, but he's sure not Gay". Talk about mixed emotions.

Seattle-#10

The Sonics continue their commitment to mediocrity by drafting Mouhamed Saer Sene, a 7' octopus. If Sene was white, people would compare him to Dirk Nowitzki.

But since he's black and 7' tall, we have to compare him to 2/3 of Shaquille O'Neal. Sene shoots 70% from the floor (mostly from 6" away from the hoop), and knocks down 35% of his looks from the charity stripe. Maybe he is like Shaq. Maybe I'm Batman.

Orlando-#11

The Magic take JJ Redick. Redick is described by Peter Schrager as the greatest shooter in the world. Despite Isiah Thomas' growing desire to strangle someone over this pick, I don't think Schrager is giving Redick enough credit. The kid is the greatest shooter in the entire Milky Way Galaxy and would be the greatest shooter in the Andromeda Galaxy and the Seyfert II Galaxy if they played basketball there. The great news is the NBA is rumored to be expanding, so who knows how great a shooter Redick really is.

New Orleans-#12

I don't care who they picked, I'm not so sure they did either.  It doesn't matter, at least now I know where the Hornets went. This is another one of those transplanted franchises whose name lost something. Granted, it's not as oxymoronic as the Utah Jazz, but New Orleans Hornets? They should have renamed them the New Orleans Gumbo.

Chicago-#13

The Bulls drafted a guy named Thabo Sefolosha. They traded up for him. I'm practically peeing my pants from laughter. Rudy Gay is laughing at this guy's name. You gotta be kidding me. I can hear the PA now. Thabo Thoots, Thabo Thores!!!!

Utah-#14

I refuse to call a team from Utah "The Jazz". Thus, the Utah Bland chose Ronnie Brewer. Brewer rocks a periwinkle suit that would make Kobe Bryant jealous. It's the kind of look that threatens to bring back some of the goof suits we saw a few years back. I don't think this kid knows who he's playing for next season.

Sixers-#16

Philly takes Rodney Carney. Carney will live forever with label of 'the guy we gave up Thabo for"; what an albatross hanging on his neck. I don't know what the Sixers were thinking. I mean heck, Carney can run, he can jump, he can score and he plays real D. But so what; is he from Switzerland? Is he named Thabo? I don't think so.

Whizzards-#18

Maybe Isiah Thomas has a point. This one has me baffled. Oleksiy Pecherov? That's a hockey name. True, the Wiz scooped him out of that Ukranian basketball hotbed that's been pumping refugees into the NBA for years now, but what the hell?

Kings-#19

Best name in the whole draft. Quincy Douby. What's the office pool on this guy getting more random drug tests than any rookie in NBA history? On the plus side, the Q is also a great shooter. He's no JJ Redick, but he is arguably the 2^nd best shooter in our solar system.

Knicks-#20

I just figured it out. Thomas has been secretly working for the Pistons all along. He never got over the 1^st round of the '92 playoffs. That's why he's destroying the Knicks. In Balkman, Isiah just took a guy who no one ever heard of and looks like he's a 3-1 favorite to lead his cell block in scoring. But that's not the big news in NY. Thomas is rumored to be finalizing a $485 million, three year extension for Alan Houston.

Boston-#21

Danny Ainge executes another master stoke in filling out his "run, but don't shoot" offense, by choosing Rajon Rondo. This guy is a point guard who simply can't score.  There's nothing like drafting a first rounder with only half a game, Danny.

Fakers-#26

Mitch Kupkake drafted an excellent prospect at point guard in Jordan Farmar. So now, Kobe Bryant will finally get the ball in his hands. Am I the only one who sees the irony here? The Fakers could have drafted a blow-up doll and saved the rookie money. Unless they start playing with more than one ball, this kid is a hood ornament.

Blazers-#27

Rip City does its part in the NBA's annual United Nations Gala by selecting a Spaniard who plays suspect defense and is a 2-4 year project over all.  It's okay though, the Blazers aren't counting on him right away. Are the Blazers counting on anyone right away?

Dallas-#28

Maurice Ager. Finally, the Mavs have someone who can score. Now all they need is someone to play the last 10 minutes of finals games.

Knicks-#29

Thomas solidifies his 9 guard and 2 small forward rotation by drafting a guard. Come on now, Isiah. The gig is up. Is that a Pistons Jersey under your suit?

Blazers-#30

The Blazers close with a stunner, drafting a white guy from England with no foreseeable NBA future instead of drafting a white guy from Bulgaria with no foreseeable NBA future, as was rumored.

So that's a wrap on round one. I don't know if I can bear the thought of round two. I'll bet the Knicks take a shooting guard from China named Long Duk Dong. They'll tear the roof off the place.