1. Funny = So Not Funny
Monday Night Football changed personnel and networks, yet kept the same name. It’s the NFL equivalent of Menudo. But, as the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Question: What do you get when you cross Dennis Miller with that uncle of yours who always says, “Pull my finger?” Answer: Tony Kornheiser.

2. Color = Black & White
Color analyst, Ron Jaworski is as gray as they come. He is so bright when it comes to analyzing schemes, but when it comes time to be on camera he makes Dan Fouts look bland. The only time I am entertained is when he smiles and nods his head without saying anything. He looks like he’s eight years old and his daddy took him to work.

3. Guests = Pests
I assume when networks decide to do things, it’s to increase ratings. But how much have the ratings increased when they bring in guests in the 3rd quarter of the night games? For a lot of people it is a big yawner. If they really want to ####e things up, get Joe Theismann on MNF and Frank Caliendo on SNF. Then watch the ratings fly.

4. PTI = PTUI
I know it sounds like I am ragging on MNF, but their decision to do that mini Pardon The Interruption piece at half-time is asinine. Not only does it look as contrived as a B-movie, but the actors are so unattractive, they hurt my feelings.

5. Madden = Yogi
Although John Madden is not technically on Monday Night Football anymore, he qualifies for honorable mention here. Madden and Yogi are two icons who are the absolute best at making you turn to your buddy and ask, “What the hell did he just say?” We all know the famous Yogi quotes but here are a few Madden ones:
“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”
“The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.”
“The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”

The NFL Draft is about three weeks away, so rather than tell you what every team needs, as do all the big websites, I will tell you what teams don’t need.

1. Raiders: Another one-year head coach bust.
2. Lions: Another seven years of Herr Millen.
3. Browns: Another headline with a Shakespeare reference.
4. Buccaneers: A dearth of spleens.
5. Cardinals: A quarterback controversy between Matt and Brenda.
6. Redskins: A post-prime coach and a prime-rate owner.
7. Vikings: An anonymous quarterback.
8. Falcons: That Matt Schaub departure.
9. Dolphins: Nicky. Or Ricky. Or Lucy. Or Fred and Ethel.
10. Texans: An “offensive” offensive line.
11. 49ers: To be noticed.
12. Bills: To do the ol’ catch-and-release with running backs.
13. Rams: Marshall Faulk. Oh, wait. He retired. Did anyone notice?
14. Panthers: A Wrigley’s Gum endorsement offer to John Fox.
15. Steelers: Anyone to say, “Well, Bill did it this way…”
16. Packers: Six months of Favre retirement talk.
17. Jaguars: Jack Del Rio in anything but a suit.
18. Bengals: Another group of felons.
19. Titans: One felon to take the place o####roup of felons.
20. Giants: An ineffective high-profile quarterback.
21. Broncos: The second-coming of John Elway.
22. Cowboys: A head coach who only knows the name of one receiver.
23. Chiefs: A player with Herman Edwards’ vote of confidence.
24. Patriots: Another Tom Brady sperm sighting.
25. Jets: Curtis Martin. Oh, wait. He retired. Didn’t he?
26. Eagles: Another Donovan McNabb mother sighting.
27. Saints: A Reggie Bush touchdown watch.
28. Ravens: Another stupid sack dance.
29. Chargers: A Norv Turner failure.
30. Bears: Another whiney linebacker.
31. Colts: Edgerrin James. Oh, wait. He retired. Or might as well have.
32. Seahawks: A group of overrated, over-paid wide receivers. Ah, #### Too late.

We’ve all heard or read about the vicious Jack Tatum hit on Darryl Stingley back in 1978. One of the biggest tragic stories of the NFL came to a close with Darryl Stingley’s passing.

I find the saddest point about this whole thing is how neither one spoke to the other for almost thirty years. Tatum missed his opportunity to make amends. Of course, in his defense, maybe a 30 year window isn’t long enough to get up the courage to talk to the guy he paralyzed. It takes time to get up the courage to say, “Uh, hey, sorry about that.”

There are people out there in the NFL that say what a great guy Jack Tatum is, how his teammates loved him and he brought everything to the table on game day. That may be great, but if you are a freaking human being, show at least some sort of remorse for destroying another man’s life.

There are those of you out there that will say, “This is football. There will be injuries and some of those will be life-threatening, if not life-changing.” I agree with that statement and those other ones that say these players know what they are getting into. That is not the issue. The fact is that it is just common decency to have at least a modicum of compassion for a fallen human brother, especially when the brother fell by your own hand.

Another thing I don’t get is the people who say Tatum’s full-on hit of Stingley shouldn’t have happened in a “meaningless game.” Excuse me? Anytime someone is paralyzed for life in a sport, to me, it’s a meaningless #### game.

The last thing I would like to point out is the dichotomic thoughts of both persons involved in this tragedy. They both had written autobiographies.

Jedi Stingley’s book is called Happy to be Alive.

Darth Tatum’s book is called Final Confessions of NFL Assassin Jack Tatum.

I gotta go now. I’m going to dust off my copy of Robert Fulghum’s book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

We’ve all heard the names before: Namath, Tittle, Favre, Montana, Tarkenton. These are NFLers we know by one name. We don’t need the given name to bring up a vivid picture in our minds of who they are. Like Elvis, Charo, O.J., Liberace, or Ali, we know these famous people by a single moniker.

But, more often than not, when speaking of other elite players from the NFL, you need both names: Jerry Rice, Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, etc.

Today, there are players who have similar or identical (read that forgettable) names who play completely different positions. This can get to be a tad bit confounding.

Here’s a list of some of those:

Derrick Johnson, Cornerback, CB, Atlanta Falcons
Derrick Johnson, Linebacker, LB, Kansas City Chiefs

Michael Lewis, Safety, S, San Francisco 49ers
Michael Lewis, Wide Receiver, WR, New Orleans Saints

Alex Smith, Tight end, TE, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Alex Smith, Quarterback, QB, San Francisco 49ers

Mike Williams, Tackle, T, Jacksonville Jaguars
Mike Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Detroit Lions

Roy Williams, Safety, S, Dallas Cowboys
Roy Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Detroit Lions

There’s also Roydell Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Tennessee Titans, whom, I am sure, was called “Roy” at one point in his life.

Then there are the homophones. (No, not homophobes, you ####.) These are name that sound alike, but are spelled differently. For instance:

Donnie Jones, Punter, P, Miami Dolphins
Dahni Jones, Linebacker, LB, Philadelphia Eagles

From the speed-reading department come names like:

Bryan Johnson, Running back, RB, Chicago Bears
Bryant Johnson, Wide Receiver, WR, Arizona Cardinals

Watch out for that “t”. Sometimes they just sneak up on ya.

Speaking of Bryant—I remember hearing the tail end of a broadcast where the announcer said, “Young will return to the 49ers.” His sidekick said that Young was too old to return to the field. Immediately I thought of Steve Young and thought, “Is he crazy?” Shows you what an #### I was. Although I still think that announcers should use both names and qualify that when speaking of the player by using his position and team.

You can see how this can get confusing and how people can make mistakes. I was reading about Adrian Peterson, Running back, RB, Chicago Bears, and immediately thought I was in a coma and missed the NFL Draft. I quickly went on-line to check. Sure enough, there it was. Adrian Peterson is projected to go to the Cleveland Browns in one mock draft I read.

If that isn’t enough to scratch your head, check this out. And I am not making this up—unlike most of the other #### I write. (Here are links to prove it, plus a screenshot in case they fixed it by the time you read this.)


http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/player?categoryId=3
00165
Foxsports.com lists Chicago Bears linebacker Rod Wilson as #59. His picture is posted there—a white guy in a suit.

http://www.nfl.com/players/playerpage/552682 

On NFL.com, they list Chicago Bears linebacker Rod Wilson as #64. His picture is posted as an African-American in a jersey. Both have the same birthdate.

The media and the NFL do not make mistakes. Therefore, only one conclusion is possible.

They are twins.

It’s common knowledge that the word “fan” is short for “fanatic.” These “fans” go to great length to emulate their heroes on the field. They wear their favorite player’s number, their favorite team’s sweatshirt; they may even go so far as to paint their house the colors of the local Pro Team. But, some people take the affinity for their favorite team a bit too far. You wonder what the hell they were thinking.

Did you ever see a balding 45-year-old man with a beer gut wear a Kobe Bryant jersey? Did you ever see that same guy wear a Kobe Bryant jersey with no undershirt? You’d swear there was a full moon out.

There was one guy who loved the Chicago Bears so much, he bet if the Bears didn’t win the Super Bowl he would change his name to Peyton Manning. I vote he changes his middle name to ####.

In my opinion, the most flagrant of all fanaticism was made by a very famous woman. I can understand the average person wanting to be like one of the heroes of the gridiron—they have their 9-5 job, living paycheck to paycheck, so they need a little excitement in their lives—but when you are revered by millions, have a successful career, and are still in your 20s, then I think there is no excuse for your behavior.

To what I am referring is, of course, Britney Spears’ almost cult-like desire to look like the Super Bowl winning coach, Tony Dungy.

The proof, as they say, is in the pudding (see pic above). What's next, plastic surgery?