1. Funny = So Not Funny
Monday Night Football changed personnel and networks, yet kept the same name. It’s the NFL equivalent of Menudo. But, as the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Question: What do you get when you cross Dennis Miller with that uncle of yours who always says, “Pull my finger?” Answer: Tony Kornheiser.

2. Color = Black & White
Color analyst, Ron Jaworski is as gray as they come. He is so bright when it comes to analyzing schemes, but when it comes time to be on camera he makes Dan Fouts look bland. The only time I am entertained is when he smiles and nods his head without saying anything. He looks like he’s eight years old and his daddy took him to work.

3. Guests = Pests
I assume when networks decide to do things, it’s to increase ratings. But how much have the ratings increased when they bring in guests in the 3rd quarter of the night games? For a lot of people it is a big yawner. If they really want to ####e things up, get Joe Theismann on MNF and Frank Caliendo on SNF. Then watch the ratings fly.

4. PTI = PTUI
I know it sounds like I am ragging on MNF, but their decision to do that mini Pardon The Interruption piece at half-time is asinine. Not only does it look as contrived as a B-movie, but the actors are so unattractive, they hurt my feelings.

5. Madden = Yogi
Although John Madden is not technically on Monday Night Football anymore, he qualifies for honorable mention here. Madden and Yogi are two icons who are the absolute best at making you turn to your buddy and ask, “What the hell did he just say?” We all know the famous Yogi quotes but here are a few Madden ones:
“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”
“The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.”
“The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”

How was your Halloween?

Speaking of Halloween, did anyone read the tasty tidbit that Jon Kitna dressed like the coach who drove though the drive-thru naked? His wife dressed like the fast food restaurant.

Speaking of Jon Kitna, did anyone read about his friend who went as Jon Kitna to a Halloween party? My question is, how did they know it was Jon Kitna and not Bull from Night Court?

Speaking of Night Court, Markie Post was hot. Whatever happened to her?

Speaking of post, can anyone stop Randy Moss when he runs one?

Speaking of one, there will be only one undefeated team left by the end of the day.

Speaking of undefeated teams, Don Shula, the head coach of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, basically called Nick Saban a liar. And he also said his pants were on fire.

Speaking of liars, Michael Vick is a liar. Bill Belichick is just a cheater.

Speaking of cheaters, did Tom Brady cheat on one supermodel while with another? The poor ####.

Speaking of poor ####s, how about them New York Jets. Mangenius is quickly becoming Mangina. Bunch of ####.

Speaking of ####, I will be hiding from all the Jets fans who will be out gunning for me for the comment above. If I do go outside I will be wearing a mask.

Speaking of masks, how was your Halloween?

… “How the hell are the Chiefs in first place in their division?”

…Jacksonville was saying to Atlanta, “See, I told you so,” when Byron Leftwich got hurt.

… “Hey, gimme that plasma TV! It’s only gonna get burned up in the fire,” when seeing LT’s commercial on MNF.

… “Ricky, where are ya, man?” when Ronnie Brown went down.

…they should let the Chargers go to London instead of the Giants, since their stadium is being used at the moment?

…the Cardinals should trade for Jason Elam?

…Randy Moss is singing the Toby Keith tune, How Do You Like Me Now?

…Jimmy Kimmel should host a game with Joe Theismann?

…the Jets should sign Vinny Testaverde? Oh, wait, he’s taken. How about Joe Namath?

…the World Series gets in the way o####ood football game?

Lately, whenever you see a journalist interview someone about a volatile subject, there is always that feeling after the interview that the journalist was too soft; they didn’t ask the right questions. That was laid to rest when I saw Bob Costas’ interview with Roger Goodell about the Patriots’ illegal taping of the New York Jets defensive signals.

The question on a lot of people’s minds was why was Wade Wilson’s penalty more severe than Bill Belichick’s? Wade Wilson was fined $100,000, one-third of his salary and suspended for five games, for acquiring and taking HGH, supposedly as a treatment for his diabetes. Wade was not involved in any type of trafficking the HGH to any players. It was a personal undertaking. He is not a player; his taking HGH wouldn’t make Tony Romo be a better quarterback, so many felt his fine and consequence excessive.

Much to my surprise, Bob Costas asked that very question to Mr. Goodell during the interview. Mr. Goodell’s response was quick, decisive and concise. He said that Wade Wilson’s violation was illegal from a criminal perspective while Bill Belichick’s was only in violation of NFL rules. Add that to the fact that he holds coaches to a higher standard than players, he tacked on an extra game of suspension to Wade’s punishment.

My hat is off to both Mr. Costas and Mr. Goodell. Great questions were asked, understandable, fair answers were given and I didn’t come away feeling that some issues were skirted or double talk was thrown at me.

Only one question went unanswered: Am I the only one in America who felt that Bob Costas was interviewing the host of The Apprentice?

King Goodell has decreed that head coaches throughout the NFL kingdom can now wear suits for eight home games during the 2007 season.

Mike Nolan of the San Francisco 49ers and Jack Del Rio of the Jacksonville Jaguars have jumped at the chance to don a more formal attire. The stipulations are the suits have to be made by Reebok and have a team color theme.

Questions arise as to the design of these suits. Will they be able to wick away moisture? Will they be fleece lined? Will the pants have an elastic waist? Will they have those ‘80s shoulder pads? After all it is football.

I, for one, am all for the coaches looking a bit more dapper. I’m getting a bit sick of seeing Bill Belichick in a cutoff sweatshirt. I don’t know if he’s the head coach or the panhandler I passed on the way to the stadium.

I secretly yearn for the days of yore, when all the men wore suits and ties to ball games. Look at any photo of people in the stands at any game prior to 1963—all you see is suits. It looks like a Blues Brothers Promisekeepers meeting.

Hell, while we’re at it, let’s have the commentators wear fedoras. I would love to see John Madden in a homburg with a press card in the hatband.

All in all, I feel it’s a great way to add some class to the game. I am looking forward to seeing Norv Turner’s choice on throwback day. Something in a double breasted powder blue would suit me just fine.