Here at Quick Slants, we're far too rebellious to endorse standard, Vegas-sanctioned Super Bowl proposition bets.  Nope, we're not interested in wagering on the point spread (Indy -7), the conventional over/under (48.5) or the sobering long-winded possibility of Billy Joel's national anthem exceeding 1:44.  That just doesn't grind our gears.

Indeed, there is plenty of action for the compulsive bettor to examine headed into Sunday's game.  But, quite honestly, we feel the creativity of these cookie-cutter propositions is sub-par and lacking the gusto needed to truly enhance your Super Bowl Week experience.  That's why we're intervening.

In an effort to provide you, the hungry viewer, with the adrenaline rush you've been craving, Quick Slants has compiled a short list of propositions for your consideration.  Hell, we'll even be accepting bets if you're up for it.  Our friends in law school have informed us that all winners will be paid a crude form of money constructed of teal Post-It notes and Elmer's glue.  Though said currency has only intrinsic value on the open market, we're at least slightly confident that it's more stable than the Japanese Yen.

Please submit all bets by February 4th at 6:00 pm ET.

Jim Nantz uses pet quote at the conclusion of Super Bowl XLI.  (3:1 odds)

You might recognize him from such gushing lines as "What a moment!", "A win for the ages!", "There's a new Dean in college basketball!", "You can leave it to Cleaves!", or "Just when you think you can't, you can, and UConn has won the national championship!"  Yes, the always-delightful Jim Nantz will be on the call Sunday, and you can feel confident that he'll bring his own brand of flare to the broadcast.  In the event of a Colts victory, the smart money is on Nantz saying "It Peys to be a Manning!", "It was do or Addai!" or "It's a photo finish for the Colts!"  If the Bears win, the most likely Nantzisms are "It's the key to Urlacher!", "The Bears have struck Gould!", or "Tyrannosaurus Rex!"

Rare stock footage of Manning brothers shown during Super Bowl telecast.  (6:1 odds)

We've all see them; the grainy, old, home videos of Peyton, Eli, and Cooper playing in the backyard that look like they were shot by the same guy that recorded Bigfoot wandering into the forest.  Astoundingly, there seems to be an endless supply of these tapes, as if the Manning brothers were secretly tracked from birth by Kristof from The Truman Show.  If news breaks of a recent security breach at the official Manning Archives -- by petty thieves or G. Gordon Liddy -- you shouldn't be surprised.

Daunte Culpepper arrested; charged with armed robbery; thrown in jail forever (10:1 odds)

Honestly, we didn’t judge poor Daunte for his role in the Lake Minnetonka “Love Boat” scandal – he was just being hospitable.  Nope, our minds were made up long before that, perhaps when he hijacked millions of dollars in fantasy entry fees in 2005 like a thief stealing into the night.  To top things off, he did it again in 2006, convincing the Dolphins (and fantasy owners) that he was a better fit than Drew Brees.  Yeah, that worked out.  So, there’s no question that Culpepper has plenty of time to kill this Super Bowl Week, and for the thousands of people out there that lost their shirts because of this guy, we’re hoping he gets nailed for something, anything.  And with all due respect to the Miami-Dade Police Department and its lightning-fast marijuana tests, if it doesn’t happen, we’re exploring the use of vigilante justice.

Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason engage in fisticuffs on national television (30:1 odds)

It has to be grating on Dan.  Week in and week out.  Boomer Esiason, that smug little analyst, and his snappy analogies.  Real, frickin’ funny, Boomer.  Well, Sunday could finally be Marino’s day of reckoning.  We already know he’s got some pent up aggression from never winning a Super Bowl and being reminded about it on a regular basis, not to mention being kidnapped by Ray Finkle back in the day. 

When all is said and done on Sunday, we’re looking at roughly 12 hours of having these two guys within a 10-foot radius of one another.  This can’t miss.

Fans riot as 60 Minutes postponed until next weekend (10,000,000:1 odds)

We feel this is self-explanatory.  Nobody gives a damn about 60 Minutes.

Peyton Manning misses game due to sun poisoning.  (45:1 odds)

Consider the following…  despite being raised in a southern climate, Peyton Manning has spent the last nine seasons in tropical Indianapolis, a place shielded from UV rays by both the protective bubble of the RCA Dome and the rampant cloud cover than blankets most of the Midwest during the winter months.  Even when the sun does make a cameo, its intensity rivals that of a nightlight when compared to the strong beams that cook South Florida on a daily basis.  In other words, unless Manning is wearing industrial grade tar as sunscreen, his pasty white skin could be dangerously vulnerable.

Reflective intensity of Michael Irvin's gameday suit.  (+/- 1,000,000 candlepower)

Originally, we had planned on associating Michael Irvin’s token line with his abnormally short neckties.  (The over/under for length would’ve been 6.5 inches, not counting the bulbous knot.)  However, we came to the conclusion that high-powered welding glasses would have been needed to visually confirm the length of said tie, given the luminosity of his shiny suits.  So basically, that would've ruined the whole thing.  Now, we're just focusing on the "gleam" of Irvin's suits.  What started out as a rogue fashion statement has quickly snowballed into a weekly gag.  Quite frankly, we wouldn’t be surprised if Irvin showed up wearing tin foil and were launched to the Moon. 

(Oh, and for the record, 1,000,000 candlepower is roughly equivalent to one of those handheld, halogen spotlights that you can buy at any local sporting goods store.)

David Caruso over-acts, again; destroys all credibility of pre-game show (2:1 odds)

It happens every year… the awkward combination of celebrities, Super Bowls, and pre-game coverage.  Last year, it was Harrison Ford’s dramatic reading of Oh! The Places You’ll Go!, while wearing a diamond stud earring and sporting a patchy, gray beard.  This year, we sort of resigned ourselves to the fact that Shaq would be featured in some way, shape or form (hopefully not as part of a Kazaam re-enactment) – that is, until we remembered that CSI: Miami is the top show on the CBS Network!  Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for an overdose of David Caruso…  walking…  slowly… to a car.  He’s taking off his sunglasses.  He’s giving you a smart aleck dissertation.  He is the law.  And, he still sucks.

Speaking of which…

CBS opts for CSI: Miami-themed pre-game show (12:1 odds)

We’ve racked our brains long and hard here; the only two possibilities for CBS’s pre-game show – besides Boomer Esiason joshing Dan Marino – are Will Smith’s “Miami” song and That Stupid Show With David Caruso.  Since we’re not aware of any affiliation between Will Smith and The Eye, our money is on “the most watched network” shamelessly promoting the only show that people actually watch.

Archie, Eli, or any other member of the Manning family shown on national television (+/- 8.0 times)

Inside sources have informed us that CBS will be sending a dedicated, high-definition camera to follow the Manning family from start to finish of Sunday's Super Bowl.  While we appreciate the extra effort from CBS, we feel deeply for the poor schmuck that will be relegated to watching Archie instead of Peyton -- that's like being Stifler's younger brother in American Pie II.  Trends would indicate this bet to be a surefire OVER, though our oddsmakers feel the allure of the actual game could curb the final tally.

Quality of Super Bowl XLI (+120) versus quality of commercials (-150)

Uninterested wives and girlfriends around the world have been banking on Super Bowl commercials to pull them through the ordeal for years, so being the equal opportunity bookies that we are, we’ve decided to give them a stake as well.  Quite frankly, we could go either way on this one, but since the official line is seven points and since we’ve already seen Kevin Federline’s Super Bowl spot, we’re giving a slight edge to the commercials.  And yes, this will be the last time Kevin Federline is allowed to sway our opinion.

More later this week…