Well, well, well… Peyton Manning finally beat someone from Florida in a big game.  He got his ring.  He got his MVP award.  He shed that #### from his back.  We're misty-eyed.

Here at Quick Slants, we are, of course, supremely excited about all this.  But not because of any personal accomplishments.  Mainly, we're just ecstatic that we won't be force-fed the same regurgitated cudd about Manning ever again!  Boo yah.

So, we've already moved on.

More to the point, it's tragic that, once again, the little guys have been overshadowed by the other, more popular Manning-esque aspects of Super Bowl XLI; the elements that made the event unique, comical, and everything in between.  In an effort to point out these overlooked Super Bowl nuances and give credit where its due, Quick Slants would like to hand out some hardware to a number deserving parties.

The Head-On “Mood-killing Commercial” Award

To the braintrusts at Snickers, who apparently thought the overwhelmingly male audience would be prompted to buy more candy bars after seeing two male auto mechanics accidentally kiss and then rip off their shirts.  Great idea.  What’s next?  Guys groping a truck?  (Oh, had that one too?  Thanks, Chevy.)  Not since the Head-On commercials have we been this taken aback. 

(For the record, we were at a small Super Bowl gathering made up of 100% guys.  The response to this commercial was a very awkward silence.  We could hear crickets.)

The Mike Martz “Curious Challenge” Award

To Tony Dungy, for inexplicably challenging a third quarter play in which he thought Chicago broke the huddle with 12 men.  Despite the fact that this offense did not occur within the first five minutes of the game, this was Martzism at its very finest, essentially donating a timeout to the corporate jackals looking for more commercial time.  Hell, we didn’t even think this was a challengeable kind of thing until Jim Nantz confirmed – in his normal, soothing tone, of course – that it really was.  For the record, we still think Nantz was full of ####, but we’ll go along with the call on the field.

The New Found Glory “All Downhill From Here” Award

To the marketing gurus that effectively compiled the 2007 class of Super Bowl commercials and batted the very best ad in the leadoff position.  Thanks.  No really, thanks.  With the exception of that first commercial – two guys playing rock-paper-scissors, literally, for a bottle of Bud Light – and the old coots rejoicing over “stronger streams” because of Flomax in the second half, this year’s ads were some of the worst in recent memory.  All told, the beer spots were incredibly weak, the soda commercials were remarkably uncreative – is Pepsi still making drinks (or tv ads) these days? – and the spots with animals were just plain stupid.  Somewhere, the Budweiser Frogs just rolled over in their graves.

The Jack Parkman “I’m the only player on this team” Award

To teammates Thomas Jones and Devin Hester, who tried their best to win Super Bowl XLI despite playing on a team that apparently had other ideas.  Jones was explosive with the ball, amassing 112 yards on only 15 carries; meanwhile, Hester was, well…  he did it again on the opening kickoff.  You gave it a run, fellas.  Unfortunately, it’s hard to win with five turnovers and, more specifically, a quarterback that gives away the ball like it’s a food sample in a supermarket.

The Jim Nantz “Gushing Commentator” Award

To Jim Nantz, for his, well… gushing commentary of Super Bowl XLI.  Simply put, Nantz was in the zone, firing on all cylinders and talking about everything from Black History Month to the “interesting” tales of Tank Williams.  Yes, Jim, "interesting," to say the least.  We were concerned that he’d eventually black out from the excitement during the Lombardi Trophy presentation, standing there, emceeing the festivities, and looking like a giddy schoolgirl.  But he managed.  And he’s our hero because of it.

On a side note, we were immensely disappointed that Nantz refrained from trotting out one of his patented lines like “Juan shining moment!” or “You can leave it to Cleaves!”  That would’ve validated the 12 hours of coverage we drudged through.

The Lloyd Christmas “I was WAY off” Award

To the shoddy weathermen, who inaccurately predicted a 40% chance of showers during tonight’s Super Bowl.  Seriously, that wasn’t “showers” or even rain falling from the skies of South Florida; it was the ENTIRE GULF OF MEXICO.  Good God.  The whole stadium couldn’t have been too far away from being swept away into the Atlantic by rising currents.  We blame global warming.

(Bonus points here to the forward-thinking stadium technicians that went the extra mile and opted for waterproof sheathing on all electrical wires.  A blown fuse and/or electricution could've hampered the festivities.)

The Scott Spiezio “Exaggerated Soul Patch” Award

To Jim Irsay, the owner of the Indianapolis Colts who might just be the first man to ever grow a soul patch north of his lips.  All right, all right… so what if it wasn’t actually a soul patch, but merely just a darker patch of facial hair mixed in with his grayed mustache; we don’t care.  We’re giving it some press.  That puppy stuck out like a sore thumb.

The Smokey the Bear “Playing it safe” Award

To the NFL, which has now chosen aging, out-o####ate musicians to perform its last three Super Bowl halftime shows in the wake of Janet Jackson’s impromptu peep show.  Granted, all three acts featured historically significant artists, and perhaps this is us just being young and rebellious again, but we have a hard time believing that Prince was the best option here.  In fact, we’re curious as to who the NFL’s top five selections were for this gig.  We'd like to see that list.  Couldn’t a more contemporary selection have been made?  You know, an artist born sometime AFTER the Cuban Missile Crisis?  Apparently not.  We’re eagerly awaiting a performance by Tony Bennett in 2008!

The Nick Nolte “Bad Hair Day” Award

To one of our all-time favorite players, Phil Simms, whose puffy hair most closely resembled that of a newly-hatched chickadee when shown in the CBS broadcast booth.  We felt bad giving Simms an award levied with the namesake of Nolte’s horrendous hair – on his mug shot photo, no less – but we really had no other choices.  Forgive us, Phil.  We still love you for your epic years as a Giant, and especially for that cheesy graphic CBS always shows of you throwing a pass into our living room.

The Ron Burgundy “I immediately regret this decision” Award

To Rex Grossman, the beleaguered quarterback of the NFC champion Chicago Bears who looked like he was trying to bring rain – okay, at least that part worked – with the two cans of corn he lofted to Colts defenders.  We don’t feel it’s out of line to wonder if Grossman threw these on purpose to help out some old college drinking buddies relying on prop bets for  lunch money.

Honorable mention here to our friend “Steak,” who threw the most egregious incompletion of the night when he rifled his Nokia cell phone into a brick wall after the Bears were flagged for running into Adam Vinatieri in the third quarter.  The phone is still in surgery.  We'll keep you posted.

Here at Quick Slants, we're far too rebellious to endorse standard, Vegas-sanctioned Super Bowl proposition bets.  Nope, we're not interested in wagering on the point spread (Indy -7), the conventional over/under (48.5) or the sobering long-winded possibility of Billy Joel's national anthem exceeding 1:44.  That just doesn't grind our gears.

Indeed, there is plenty of action for the compulsive bettor to examine headed into Sunday's game.  But, quite honestly, we feel the creativity of these cookie-cutter propositions is sub-par and lacking the gusto needed to truly enhance your Super Bowl Week experience.  That's why we're intervening.

In an effort to provide you, the hungry viewer, with the adrenaline rush you've been craving, Quick Slants has compiled a short list of propositions for your consideration.  Hell, we'll even be accepting bets if you're up for it.  Our friends in law school have informed us that all winners will be paid a crude form of money constructed of teal Post-It notes and Elmer's glue.  Though said currency has only intrinsic value on the open market, we're at least slightly confident that it's more stable than the Japanese Yen.

Please submit all bets by February 4th at 6:00 pm ET.

Jim Nantz uses pet quote at the conclusion of Super Bowl XLI.  (3:1 odds)

You might recognize him from such gushing lines as "What a moment!", "A win for the ages!", "There's a new Dean in college basketball!", "You can leave it to Cleaves!", or "Just when you think you can't, you can, and UConn has won the national championship!"  Yes, the always-delightful Jim Nantz will be on the call Sunday, and you can feel confident that he'll bring his own brand of flare to the broadcast.  In the event of a Colts victory, the smart money is on Nantz saying "It Peys to be a Manning!", "It was do or Addai!" or "It's a photo finish for the Colts!"  If the Bears win, the most likely Nantzisms are "It's the key to Urlacher!", "The Bears have struck Gould!", or "Tyrannosaurus Rex!"

Rare stock footage of Manning brothers shown during Super Bowl telecast.  (6:1 odds)

We've all see them; the grainy, old, home videos of Peyton, Eli, and Cooper playing in the backyard that look like they were shot by the same guy that recorded Bigfoot wandering into the forest.  Astoundingly, there seems to be an endless supply of these tapes, as if the Manning brothers were secretly tracked from birth by Kristof from The Truman Show.  If news breaks of a recent security breach at the official Manning Archives -- by petty thieves or G. Gordon Liddy -- you shouldn't be surprised.

Daunte Culpepper arrested; charged with armed robbery; thrown in jail forever (10:1 odds)

Honestly, we didn’t judge poor Daunte for his role in the Lake Minnetonka “Love Boat” scandal – he was just being hospitable.  Nope, our minds were made up long before that, perhaps when he hijacked millions of dollars in fantasy entry fees in 2005 like a thief stealing into the night.  To top things off, he did it again in 2006, convincing the Dolphins (and fantasy owners) that he was a better fit than Drew Brees.  Yeah, that worked out.  So, there’s no question that Culpepper has plenty of time to kill this Super Bowl Week, and for the thousands of people out there that lost their shirts because of this guy, we’re hoping he gets nailed for something, anything.  And with all due respect to the Miami-Dade Police Department and its lightning-fast marijuana tests, if it doesn’t happen, we’re exploring the use of vigilante justice.

Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason engage in fisticuffs on national television (30:1 odds)

It has to be grating on Dan.  Week in and week out.  Boomer Esiason, that smug little analyst, and his snappy analogies.  Real, frickin’ funny, Boomer.  Well, Sunday could finally be Marino’s day of reckoning.  We already know he’s got some pent up aggression from never winning a Super Bowl and being reminded about it on a regular basis, not to mention being kidnapped by Ray Finkle back in the day. 

When all is said and done on Sunday, we’re looking at roughly 12 hours of having these two guys within a 10-foot radius of one another.  This can’t miss.

Fans riot as 60 Minutes postponed until next weekend (10,000,000:1 odds)

We feel this is self-explanatory.  Nobody gives a damn about 60 Minutes.

Peyton Manning misses game due to sun poisoning.  (45:1 odds)

Consider the following…  despite being raised in a southern climate, Peyton Manning has spent the last nine seasons in tropical Indianapolis, a place shielded from UV rays by both the protective bubble of the RCA Dome and the rampant cloud cover than blankets most of the Midwest during the winter months.  Even when the sun does make a cameo, its intensity rivals that of a nightlight when compared to the strong beams that cook South Florida on a daily basis.  In other words, unless Manning is wearing industrial grade tar as sunscreen, his pasty white skin could be dangerously vulnerable.

Reflective intensity of Michael Irvin's gameday suit.  (+/- 1,000,000 candlepower)

Originally, we had planned on associating Michael Irvin’s token line with his abnormally short neckties.  (The over/under for length would’ve been 6.5 inches, not counting the bulbous knot.)  However, we came to the conclusion that high-powered welding glasses would have been needed to visually confirm the length of said tie, given the luminosity of his shiny suits.  So basically, that would've ruined the whole thing.  Now, we're just focusing on the "gleam" of Irvin's suits.  What started out as a rogue fashion statement has quickly snowballed into a weekly gag.  Quite frankly, we wouldn’t be surprised if Irvin showed up wearing tin foil and were launched to the Moon. 

(Oh, and for the record, 1,000,000 candlepower is roughly equivalent to one of those handheld, halogen spotlights that you can buy at any local sporting goods store.)

David Caruso over-acts, again; destroys all credibility of pre-game show (2:1 odds)

It happens every year… the awkward combination of celebrities, Super Bowls, and pre-game coverage.  Last year, it was Harrison Ford’s dramatic reading of Oh! The Places You’ll Go!, while wearing a diamond stud earring and sporting a patchy, gray beard.  This year, we sort of resigned ourselves to the fact that Shaq would be featured in some way, shape or form (hopefully not as part of a Kazaam re-enactment) – that is, until we remembered that CSI: Miami is the top show on the CBS Network!  Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for an overdose of David Caruso…  walking…  slowly… to a car.  He’s taking off his sunglasses.  He’s giving you a smart aleck dissertation.  He is the law.  And, he still sucks.

Speaking of which…

CBS opts for CSI: Miami-themed pre-game show (12:1 odds)

We’ve racked our brains long and hard here; the only two possibilities for CBS’s pre-game show – besides Boomer Esiason joshing Dan Marino – are Will Smith’s “Miami” song and That Stupid Show With David Caruso.  Since we’re not aware of any affiliation between Will Smith and The Eye, our money is on “the most watched network” shamelessly promoting the only show that people actually watch.

Archie, Eli, or any other member of the Manning family shown on national television (+/- 8.0 times)

Inside sources have informed us that CBS will be sending a dedicated, high-definition camera to follow the Manning family from start to finish of Sunday's Super Bowl.  While we appreciate the extra effort from CBS, we feel deeply for the poor schmuck that will be relegated to watching Archie instead of Peyton -- that's like being Stifler's younger brother in American Pie II.  Trends would indicate this bet to be a surefire OVER, though our oddsmakers feel the allure of the actual game could curb the final tally.

Quality of Super Bowl XLI (+120) versus quality of commercials (-150)

Uninterested wives and girlfriends around the world have been banking on Super Bowl commercials to pull them through the ordeal for years, so being the equal opportunity bookies that we are, we’ve decided to give them a stake as well.  Quite frankly, we could go either way on this one, but since the official line is seven points and since we’ve already seen Kevin Federline’s Super Bowl spot, we’re giving a slight edge to the commercials.  And yes, this will be the last time Kevin Federline is allowed to sway our opinion.

More later this week…

Listen up, folks...

As part of my ongoing crusade to prove that bloggers have voices, too, I'll be trolling the blogosphere between now and Super Bowl Sunday in an effort to take the temperature of the FOXSports.com community, formulate an article, and give some of the best a little press in the process. 

So, if you've got some free time and an opinion on the big game, it's worth your while to sit down and hammer out a few thoughts to your blog!

Happy Blogging!