While dining at Quizno's yesterday i saw a captivating little fly hanging above my soft drink, as i shoo'd it away lightning hit the building and instantly transformed my soul into that of the Fly.

As i flew around Manhatten i couldnt help but see Hank Steinbrenner walking towards his office, realizing this could the greatest oppurtunity i will ever have to see the office's at Yankee's headquarters so i attach myself to his right shoulder. As he walked down the street Baby Boss was whistling the tune to "the Family Guy", and texting Roger Clemens. About a half hour later we arrive at his office. Hank stops to talk to his secretary, "do i have any messages Darlene?"

Darlene " No, but you have guests waiting for you in your office."

"Who's in there?" asks Hank.

"Oh i didnt catch their names, but one of them says he's known you since you were a child." replies Darlene.

"Must be Reggie, who's with him though?" Hank asks in a nervous conotation. Darlene starts shuffling paperwork on her desk, seemingly trying to ignore her boss. Hank repeats himself "Who's with him?"

"Sir, i dont know i didnt catch his name. He looked very pale though, almost see through and he spoke with a distant voice, very creepy." Darlene states but she never looks up at Hank.

"Dammit Darlene, did you let the ghost of Mickey Mantle in my office again? I thought i told you to tell him to leave me alone, that guy drinks all my 18yr scotch and smokes all my cuban cigars." Hank yells as he bursts into his office. "Hey there you old coot (nods his head to Reggie Jackson) and hello Mantle." his voice is very dry at this point.

i fly off of Hank's shoulder and place myself on the wall, listening to their boring conversation about put me to sleep, and if it wasnt for hank eating day old sugar toast i probably would have fallen asleep, but the urge to fly over and get some of that sugar toast kept me awake. They were discussing plans for all-star game weekend and how they would like to honor the Ghosts of the stadium as well as the living legends of yankees loir when the phone rings. "Darlene who is it?" Hanks shouts through his closed office door.

No answer from Darlene so Hank answers his phone via speakerphone. "You've reached the home of the whopper whats your beef?"

"Hi Boss, it's Brian (cashman) do you have a minute, we need to talk"

" Well ive got a little company, but what's up?" Hank answers him eagerly while making fake masturbation references with his hands.

"Oh is Reggie and Mick there again?" Brian says with a hint a intriuge in his voice. "Tell Reggie i said hello, and tell Mick to go easy on the Glenlivet, we dont need another incident like last month"

"hey Brian" says Reggie "Micks already drunk Brian i dont think we'll need the G.l.e.n.l.i.v.e.t. today" Reggie carefully spelled out Glenlivet so that Mick wouldnt understand him, he's easily excited when the coversation turns to liquor.

"Well Hank i hate to talk to you about this while you have compnay, but we need a solidified front as an orginazation to handle this latest media frenzy" -Brian

"Why what ever do you mean?" Hank replys with a very condisending tone to his voice.

"Hank you pretty much called me an #### and questioned are decision to place Joba in the bullpen for the time being, why in the name of Gehrig would you ever do that. Now every media outlet in America and one from Dubai has been calling me asking me what were gonna do with Joba." Brian franticly states.

"I didnt pretty much call you an ####, i Called You An ####." hanks says, "there's a big difference there, you savvy?" Hank covers the speaker as Reggie and him high five and light a cigar.

"Well then i quit" Brian states boldly

"Hang on just a minute" Hank picks up the phone "I was just kidding b-rye i didnt mean to hurt your feelings." again making masturbation jesters towards Reggie, Reggie has his hand over his mouth trying not to laugh.

"No really, you've underminded me for the last time. It was one thing when your dad did it ever other week, i had Joe Torre to help me take the attention away, but now all i got is this guy who looks like he could beat the #### out my grandma for sewing his pants crooked"

Hank pauses a second then replys " Ok, your right, here's what we'll do you can tell your media people that Joba is staying out of the rotation from now, and pretend like you stood up to me, is that better?"

"i am standing up to you" states brian in an very cautious voice.

"Ahh reggie isnt that cute he does have a set of balls" Hank now completely joking "It aint like your the general manager of the biggest sporting team ever, i mean why would you have a set of balls." Hank is now openly laughing at Brian.

"I dont have to take this" states Brian.

Hank replys quickly "Yes you do, if you didnt take this #### on a regular basis this team would fold under the weight of it's own cash flow"

"What?" Brian asks.

"you know what i mean b-rye, dont make me explain it to ya"

"yeah i know what it would me boss, once the team folded you would then hire Theo Epstein just to #### me off, is that what your getting at... ? huh Boss?"

"No i thought i might go a different direction with my insult this time." - Hanks says in between laughs. "I might just let myself be General Manager for a little while., what do you think about that?"

"I dont know, can i have a raise too."

"What you little flying #### dropping, where do you get off..." Hank gets interupted by laughter on the other end of the phone.

"just jerking your chain, but Joba's staying in the bullpen and that's final" - brian states inbetween laughter.

the Ghost of Mantle starts to talk but throws up a little Glenlivet instead, so Reggie speaks for him "I think what Mick is trying to say is that remember when your dad used to always tell the managers what to do, on everything and the team stunk?"

"yeah i do" Hank peers over his mojito that Darlene just brought into the office for him and does one of those "ok i gotcha..... hey b-rye you still there?"

"yup boss im still here"

"you can leave him in the bullpen for now, but you owe me 20 laps around the stadium for not getting Santana." scowls Hank

"yeah just let me get right on that one" Brian still laughing. "Oh and by the way, i was thinking about..."

Baby Boss stops him "that's your problem" he says with a smile.

Now Brian Cashman hangs up the phone without saying goodbye, now Brian has a dilema, does he quit, knowing that if he quits and Hank does his job that the Yankees will be run be the Ghost of Mantle and Reggie Jackson for the next five years. Meaning certain bottom feeding for the proud yankees, or Baby Boss will give Theo Epstien a $40 million contract to jump ship and make Mr. Cashman look bad... So Brian against his best judgement decided to #### his pride and alot of Hanks B.S. and stays with the team, called a press conference and everyone went home happy.

I for one caught a ride in Darlene's blouse, and she has delicious garbage to eat. Now if only i could get struck by lightning and switch back to myself.

After watching the A's versus the Red Sox's in Japan ealier this month i had and idea that might revolutionalize the collective bargaining agreement for Major League Baseball.

What about two major league teams playing in a different Major League ballpark, like for example the Los Angeles Dodgers playing the San Francisco Giants in Yankee Stadium. Or the Red Sox vs The Yankees playing each other in Pittsburgh. The idea isnt too radical, but think of the money that could be made. Now so far i have only given examples of team's rich in tradition and who carry a rivalry versus their opponent, but think of the Pittsburgh Pirates playing the Chicago Cubs in Minnesota, there are enough Cubs fans and Pirate fans in Minnesota to sell out the game (something that wouldnt happen in Pittsburgh) so the revenue would be higher for the game. Now much of that revenue would go to the Minnesota Twins franchise since they are the host city, that would help their bottom line and keep them a little bit more competitive in the ever robust Major League Baseball offseason. Now if your worried about the revenue lost by the Pirates for their home game lost just think of this, you could replace that home game with a game between the Mariners and the Orioles two teams with a few Pittsburgh ties and then the Pittsburgh Pirates could take the revenue for that game. This would allow people in different parts of the country to get a chance to see players from other teams and some possibly intense rivarlys. Another intriguing concept with this is the oppurtunity to increase the popularity of other teams in a somewhat regulated area (as in most pittsburgh residence are strictly Pirates fans, but a chance to see another team live might insight a few new fans of different teams).

i personally think that the idea could help level the playing feild between the haves (dodgers, yankees, red sox, etc...) and the have-nots (pirates, A's, Royals, etc..) and bring more money to the small markek teams.

As a baseball fan I have found it easy on occasion to heckle and blame Bud Selig for the problems America’s Pastime has encountered over the past 11 seasons. But I stand here today looking at all he has been through and been apart of as commissioner, and I think it will soon be time (if it isn’t already) for him to step down and Baseball to anoint a new commissioner. After quick discussion amongst friends over a few cocktails and obviously way too much time on my hands I tried to think who would be the best candidate for the next commissioner of baseball? A few names were spurted about during our conversation from the meaningful (Cal Ripken, Nolan Ryan and George W. Bush) to the ridiculous (Senator Mitchell, Tony Larussa and Pat Gillick) to the laughable (Roger Clemens, Mark Mcgwire, Ozzie Guillen and Steve Howe) I came to a conclusion that I think would be the perfect fit for baseball. He’d be a hit with the fans, the players and the owners… he is…. Joe Torre. Yes, Joe Torre and here is why…

 #1- He has a charming sense of humor, he once retorted to a question on his record breaking performance “"I'd like to thank Félix Millán for making all of this possible." (Regarding setting the NL record for most double plays grounded into in a single game, 4, July 21, 1975. Millan batted ahead of Torre in the lineup, singling in all four of his at bats.[

 #2- He has won as a player and as a coach. Personal honors (MVP in 1971) and as a manager (all those titles with the Yankees)

 #3- He sat in the hottest seat in the biggest pressure cooker in baseball and rarely did we see him sweat. Could you have imagined him on capital hill answer questions about integrity, something I truly believe he will never waver upon. As a manager of the Yankees he had to watch his words closely, yet was still an advocate for both sides of the issue. (Publicly defending Jason Giambi’s apology, publicly denouncing the myth that many clubs had knowledge of the steroid use amongst players)

 #4- He’s just so likeable, even if you hate him, he can still make you respect him.

 "He's always the same. That's the reason he's been so successful. He relays that to us in good times, bad times, and he's got the perfect mentality, I think, for a manager." Derek Jeter on Joe Torre

  #5- He’s seen both sides of the political issues inside of baseball. In his playing days he was a players representative for the union (if Im not mistaken) and was influential in the players getting the right to free agency. He also sat-in and helped keep the dialogue between the players and ownership during the 1995 strike.

 #6- He’s got the right mindset “"What I try to do is make sense, try to be as honest as I can possibly be and be able to communicate. I think that's the most important thing. Whether you're managing a baseball team or running a business, I think it's all about people." -Joe Torre

 #7- He’s never been bashful about making an important yet controversial decision. He batted A-rod 8th when he was struggling two seasons ago, he started Derek Jeter as a rookie, stayed with his coaching staff almost completely intact, resigned last season instead of taking one year offer stating "I just felt that the terms of the contract were probably something I had the toughest time with. The one year, for one thing; the incentives for another thing. I had been there for 12 years, and I didn't feel the motivation was needed. I just didn't think it was the right thing for me, or the right thing for my players.” I just don’t think that he would have settled for a tie in the All-star game nor would he have even allowed the thought that he would nor could have snubbed Barry Bonds on his route to becoming the home run king, he also wouldn’t have allowed baseball to crumble at the edges like it did before the Mitchell investigation. I believe he would have been forthcoming and had an investigation inquiry started on the subject way before Jose Canseco opened his mouth.

 #8- He was seen as a pillar of strength within the New York community during and after 9/11. His endearment to the tragedy and the community he lived in was evident in everything he did and said during that time. Almost political like in his approach throughout that period of time, he seemed to carefully think about his every statement and his whereabouts. Many still regard the first game back and the image of him and his team wearing the FDNY and NYPD hats as a form of healing and help within the mental aspects of the aftermath of the tragedy. (God bless those lost and those left behind)

  #9- the man has been a Manager in the American League and the National League. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but there is a quaint difference in the leagues and I think he and Tony Larussa probably understand this better than anyone in baseball.

 #10- he signed a three year contract with the Dodgers, but he also brought along his manager replacement in training, Don Mattingly. So it’s not inconceivable that Joe Torre if he has success this season stepping down earlier than his contract states to give Mattingly the position and accept the commissioner’s office. And if I am not mistaken Bud Selig just recently signed a two year extension a few months back, so the timing could work perfectly.

 Well those are my reasons why I think Joe Torre should be next in line to be the commissioner of America’s Pastime. Plus who wouldnt want a commisioner who's nickname is the Godfather?

So this weekend i was sitting at my favortie (and this small towns only place where you wont get stabbed by a drunken paroled fool) and i was approached  by this man in a Chicago Cubs hat slurring something under his breath that resembled "#### cardinals fan, you outta be shot... this is our year ####." Now for the record im not a Cardinals fan, but my entire family is and my uncle thinks that since he got me to love OU football when i was a kid by buying me a jersey every year, that maybe now that im an adult if he buys me a cardinals hat every year for christmas maybe ill start liking the team. Either way, if i was a Cardinals fan i might have taken offense to this beligerant ####'s statement (i would have taken offense if i were #### too, the ignorant drunk shoulda realized that if i was a cardinals fan then i probably would have been #### then he really would have been in trouble/ j/k) Now back to the point, instead of getting pissed off at him, i decided i'd have some fun with this and invited him and his double jack and coke a seat to discuss the upcoming year. Here is how our conversation went-

Drunk "The cubbies are gonna win it all man, it's our year"

King Baron- "well they do have a-

Drunk interupts me dead sentence "Were gonna #### win man. Your not listening to me. In the good name of all thats wonderful, for Haray Carey, for Ryne Sandberg, for all the little cubbies around the world... WERE GONNA #### Win. Your not listening to me." (that is a direct quote i wrote it down on a napkin so i wouldnt forget it. And i remind you this guy is spitting all over the place, never in my life have i seen so much saliva with noone having sex)

King Baron- "I think they got a shot"

Drunk (whispering now cause the barkeep just told him to keep it down)- Ryno man, the hawk, glenallen hill, mark whiten, man the hawk... he was so strong.... i loved the Hawk."

King Baron (baiting him now)- "Who's the Hawk?"

Drunk (top of his lungs) - The HAWK you mean you dont know who the HAWK is? He was the greatest Chicago Cub of all time, he was so tall, he could hit the little #### ball a mile without even swinging the bat. ( for the record i'd pay to see that) He's the #### Hawk you little ####...

i cut him off this time King Baron- "oh yeah i remember him, he was pretty good. He had a strong arm if i remember"

Drunk- "the strongest, he was sexy"

Even i was taken back at this point, this man all six foot three of him, who's homophoebic insinuations had taken up much of our conversation was now saying that Andre Dawson was sexy. I might have understood if he said that Ryno was sexy, i think... but Andre Dawson. Well whatever i digress.

(laughing) King Baron- "So is he your favorite player of all time?"

Drunk- "naaaa, he sucks" as he said that he literally fell off his barstool on to the peanut shell covered floor spilling his double jack and coke across his chest. He layed there for almost two minutes before i offered to help him. He sat back down and didnt say a word for over five minutes, he just had his eyes glued to his empty glass, i attempted to rekindle the conversation for the sake of it (i felt bad for this guy at this point)

King Baron -" are you alright man?" i waited a minute no response... "Hey Cubbie, are you alright?" still no answer but i can just slightly see his lips underneath his Cubs ballcap, and there wide open and moving as if he were talking. "i cant hear ya man" i shout but still no response, so i stand up and start to leave the table thinking i must have pissed this guy off, and he had considerable size on me so i thought dscretion would be the greater part of valore onthis occasion. As i started to walk away, i looked back at my new found drunken freind who will by all means try to forget this evening (if he ever remembers it).

i sit there with my freinds at the bar for awhile, and as i am prepared to leave i walk past my drunken freind again and decided i felt rude, i had never asked him his name. So i ordered a double jack and coke brought it to him and introduced myself... he didnt remember me at all... we were just talking five minutes, well maybe fifteen minutes before this and he had no idea who i was.

so i sat back down for a mintue, he looks up at my Cardinals hat and states "you #### #### the cardinals are ####.

King Baron- "relax buddy, have a good night."

he slams the drink i bought him and says at the top of his lungs (right as the jukebox died down) "I wanna marry Hawk.... He was so sexy"

i got up from the table and left laughing as hard as i could all the home. The bar i was at for fear that our drunken cubbie was gonna drive got him a taxi, now i just happen to be freinds with the only taxi driver in town and he was over my house last night and he was telling me how the ridiculously drunken Cubs fan tried to fight him through the cage on taxi because he had a Cardinals air freshener in the back seat. My buddie had to call the cops because this drunk kept kicking the safety window till he actuallt punctured the side of it.

i dont know why this is so funny to me, but i know i can never root for the cubbies again, he just brought down the good name of many a Cub fan in my eyes.