Attention!! Attention brothers!!! It has been five long years.. Grab your Cricket stuff and get the goats,  it is time to reunite as one..

 I am using this popular blog to write to you about our Frat's five year reunion on Dad's yacht.. I saw no other way to reach all of you so I figured this would be the best way to do it.. I know you can't see me, but right now I am giving you all the secret handshake..

 Speaking of handshakes brothers.. What the hell is up with Ryan Dempster's delivery??? Guy looks like he is having wrist convulsions.. No matter though, he is chucking and that is why I am picking the Cub's to take the Central..

 So anyhow.. The reunion is on Dad's yacht.. We are going to all wear the White Polo button downs with the Blue and Grey stripped ties, which will look nice with the blue checkered casual dress shorts .. You know, the ones we wore my sophomore year when we made the pledges eat all that toilet paper.. Yeah Bro's...

 Speaking of toilet paper.. I totally believe that with the addition of Manny Ramirez, the Dodgers are going to wipe up the rest of the west... That guy can hit, he is a hitting machine!! I have never been to L.A brothers, way too liberal, but I bet those people are happy...

 So I think Skeeter is going to do the refreshments and Scooter the 5th has the catering taken care of.. You will need only to bring $500 dollars for the raffle.. We have some really great prizes.. The new chapter President for 2009 will be there.. We will shave his head and make him eat toilet paper I think. Yeah Brothers!!!!! Being older isn't so bad...

 Just like the White Sox and Ken Griffey Jr. That guy is old and wrinkly, but just like us, he can still hang with the young guys... I think he will give the Sox a boost and thus give them the A.L Central..

 While I am at it Brother's, I want to send a congrats to Stillwell Chester Cunningworth the 17th, Frat President 2000-2004, on his Hedge Fund company is really taking off. Like the rest of us, he always said he was the real Gordon Gecko. Man!!! What a lucky guy.. I know you can't see me Stillwell, but I am giving you the secret handshake... Take New York for all it is worth..

 He won't be the only one, the Met's did nothing.. Their pitching will be suspect down the stretch.. And for that Brother's, I say Phillies all the way in the East.. The Yankee's are in the same mess. When I went to Granddad's estate at the Vineyard to shoot quail, he assured me that Jason Bay will do the trick.. The Sox will take the East..... And I am going to have Dad's chef from work cook up that quail..

 Ok Bother's, I can’t wait to see you all. Pee- Wee and Codsworth will greet you at the Gate of the Yacht Club.. It is 1 Diamond Way, Connecticut, Aug. 17th 1p.m.. Bring your V-Neck Sweaters in case it gets cold...

 And by the way, cold is what the Angel's are not.. Adding Teixeira makes them that much more powerful.. I am an east-Coaster, so when I say this Brother's, It hurt's.. The Angel's will take the West, and we might see a Los Angeles World Series..

 Now I have to go, the guy who actually writes on this site found me and he is kicking my #### and I don't have my bigger brothers here to defend me like they did in college.. Take. AH!!!! You ripped my collar you ####.. AH!!! That hurt!!! It look's cool to wear the collar up like that on a golf shirt.. You just don't .... AH!!! I have to go.. THAT IS THIS GUY"S INSIDE DIRT!!!!!

 Fraternally yours,

Spencer Hornbuckle Todd the 21st

What to watch for this weekend, you ask.. None other than the British Open. Don't worry, I didn't see this coming either and I know sports.. That is why I don't work for ESPN, or peanuts, almonds maybe, they help the pubic bone.

Seriously, every station, even FOX, was feeding us the " Don't watch this thing, Tiger ain't there" stew... Well guess what?? I don't like your stew Grandpa, it tastes funny!! Even Mikey doesn't like it!! And he will eat anything.

The British Open has been nothing short of amazing thus far, and I am not just barking about Greg and Duvall.

Watching professionals shoot 80, 79 etc.... makes for great entertainment..
It gives us casual golfers, ( Guy's who are drunk before they even tee off.), a fuzzy recognizable feeling of, ha! I have hit that same 40 yard duck hook with my 3 wood as well. Go get em' Phil.. It is nice to identify with a train wreck.. Hell ,I will wait to get a fresh beer during the commercial break instead, I want to see that guy make 10 on a par- 3.. I did the same thing at the company golf outing yesterday.. There wasn't as much rain or wind, actually, there was none. But still, I feel you brotha!!!

So tune in.. It doesn't matter if there is a Tiger or not. There is a Shark. Yes, that shark is old and owes one hell of an alimony to the Misses, but come on!!!!!! I feel like I am back in the early 90's.. Reebok was still cool, the Pump was being put on every type of shoe known, and people thought Roger Clemens was a stand up citizen... HA!!!!!!

Just watch the Golf Channel Audry. And quit making those expensive phone calls to Chicago!!! That goes for all of you.. This is a democracy... And i just upped your allowance..

And that is the Inside Dirt

I have to admit, most of the smooshy extravagance people yap about Los Angeles is true. Yes, you can find spots in this town on the right day where one can see snow in the mountains, the skyline of the city and the ocean all by turning your head slightly in a rotating fashion. And yes, because of this you can ski in the morning, take a dip in the ocean in the afternoon and go rubber necking for celebrities at some joke of a night club by night. Waiter!!! Check please!!!!!! Chances are, he wants to be an actor too.

 The only thing missing in this town is an NFL franchise. And according to most of the reports and brandishing of excitement on even non - sport radio stations like KROQ, it is happening. Let the festivities begin... Right????  I am not so sure.

 Before we go plopping Jack Nicholson's fat arse on the 50 yard line, let’s rationalize. Shall we?

 The number one factor all the suits have been throwing around is the population of people within a certain radius of the proposed destination for the filed. Basically, how many people live in the area.

 Now, I left the exact numbers in my other pants, but I believe there is something like 12 million people within 20 miles of the stadium. Only New York can challenge numbers like those, and in defense of the “left coasters", New York’s field isn't even in New York. 

 This kind of population is fantastic for prospective butts in the seats stuff, but that is all it is, prospective. 12 million means nothing when you dig in to it. And here at the Dirt, my peeps know how I like to dig. Here me out on this thoughtful burp!!!!

 I would look at this 12 million and I would ask the following questions. One, how many of these 12 million even know what the hell football is. And out of that number, how many of them know we are not talking about soccer. Two, out of this 12 million how many people will be able to afford the extremely expensive tickets on a season basis. Or, for that matter, even one game. And three, out of the 12 million, can Paris Hilton not be one of them!!!!

 The problem is, if you answered yes to the last question, your franchise will go no where.

 That is a huge problem. Los Angeles is a town of trends. People only know what to do based on what celebrities are doing. People will wear toilet seats on their heads if they see even a "b- lister" sporting the look. This follow the leader stuff works for sporting events as well. Just look at the L.A Lakers. Seeing a Laker game is the sporty alternative to a night club or red carpet event. YIKES!!! It is sad, but true. If you want to sell those tickets, you better get the Celebes in the seats and their faces plastered all over the tube. Because we don't care if it is 4th and 10, we want to see that scarf Angelina had on and where in the hell we can buy it.

 Suddenly that 12 million doesn't quite look so big, does it Ashton!! No, it does not. But this is not the only deciding factor. There is a little football squad out here called the USC Trojans, and they have Snoop Dogg and all kinds of street cred. Game. Set.. Match.

 I grew up in Ohio, and I can tell you this, if the college team is constantly in the top ten, and the pro teams are hand me down losers, then the college team will be the hot ticket. Yes, there are Bengal and Browns fans, I have even seen some in person. But, the number is miniscule when compared to Buckeye fans. In Ohio, you watch NFL games on Sunday because you are too hung over from the college games the night before and you can't reach the remote to turn the station.

 This can be the same story in Los Angeles. The NFL is not going to expand. This means that the team occupying this new stadium will be a cast off from some other city. And unless it is a hot one from Survivor, we don't do cast off's!!! EVER!!!

 Remember, we set the trends out here. We don't get them from smaller, less attractive places.. Now, where did I put my toilet seat???????????

That is the Inside Dirt

Everyone take a seat, Kaz Matsui you can stand, and  I will explain what needs to be explained.. Remember nerds, the Dirt is about going in on the inside for questions. I have seen the concerns and I will take them on full force to put your minds at ease.

Golfers, don't hate on Tiger!!

Yes, it is true. A good 60 % of newpapers this morning had headlines dealing with Tiger's crumble, as opposed to that one South African guy that won. Guess what??? Deal with it!

Pro golfers remind me of the little frat geek that would push the real athlete at a bar, then get behind his ten older, bigger brothers that really aren't his brothers at all. Face it geeks! Tiger is a more interesting story than all of the other winners of the Masters combined. Win or Lose. Right now he is golf. So chill out Scooter Robert Maxwell the 15th, your geek got his green jacket, enjoy. It doesn't mean everyone has to acknowledge it.

 Jim Nantz wants you to cry!!

What is it with Jim Nantz and The Masters??? CBS has turned that thing in to one giant funeral. The piano in the background mixed with Jim's tone, YIKES!!!! Why the hell does everything have to be so sad?? At this rate, next year will have baby seals being clubbed and pictures of lost puppies during commercial breaks. This isn't a ballet CBS, leave the pink shorts and silver leggings at home. Give the soft stuff to Jim Rome and his " Entertainment Boy's".

Hey Kaz, how is Uranus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone get Kaz a beer and some hemorrhoid cream!!!!!

It is bad enough this guy has to play in the state of Texas,  now he is known as the guy who got put on the DL with an anal fissure.

I don't know what the hell an anal fissure is, but I do know I wouldn't want my team physcian disclosing that info if I had one.

There are three truths in this world. " What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." " Don't eat the yellow snow." and, " Whats happens to your #### is none of our business."

For some reason, the Astro's didn't get the memo on the last one. 

Kaz, if you can stand buddy, I would kick some arse.. Or at least hit someone with your newly prescribed cushion.

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

March. In like a lion, out like a college girl on Spring Break.. Fill in your own thoughts here.

I have decided to match suit here at The Dirt and take a spring break. I never got to experience this ritual of the college sex's because I was always pitching in some #### college town, like Dayton, Ohio.

But before I pack my sun block and banana hammock,I need to rehash what I have learned so far this spring. Call this my own mid- term, so to speak. Get out the cheat sheets boys and girls.. Here we go!!!!!

1.) Shaq talks too much

Before I get to the point of this, I need to serve warning. If you are in a car and the radio staion of your choice tells you they are about to play a Shaq interview, TURN DOWN YOUR BASS. Seriously, this guy can blow out a woofer faster than you can say " Hot  Pancake." The guy sounds like a woofer excursion test mixed in with some thoughtful adverbs.. There, warning served. Now on to my findings.

I have noticed a pattern relating to Shaq and former employers. He talks a lot of smack about them. I always thought that he was the one who got the raw deal in Los Angeles. After this latest rant involving the Heat I find myself talking Zen and siding with Phil. I still won't read your book.. I want the Cliffs Notes. You crazy hippy.

2.) Do the combine questions really matter??

All I have heard is how demanding these questions are from Pro teams. They put down their shemes and X's and O's and make attempts at being philosophical. The problem with this is it woulld take an #### to believe  these questions matter in a draft pick. Follow me on this one.

Q:" So Pac-man, what do you think about strip clubs and being a role model?"

A: " Well sir, I don't like strip clubs, and if I get drafted, I will be a perfect role model."

 " What a great kid, and you know what, I liked his answers. He must be telling the truth."

Q:" So Mr. Williams, what are your thoughts on marijuana?"

A: " I don't beleive that stuff should be used by an NFL player. I know if I am drafted I will stay clean."

" Wow, we have a good one here!! Let's draft him."

I will say no more. If you can run, catch, tackle or whatever at a pro level, I am sure these geniuses will accept any and all answers you throw at them. You can drool on the contract for all they care. Just be the shutdown corner they are hoping for.

3.) I like the Rays

This spring training has a general theme. There are a lot of old guys being asked to lead playoff teams. There is excitement about returns in Atlanta, Arizona and New York. The problem is, these guys were also asked to lead about thrity years ago.. Injuries have already started to rampage high octane teams like Boston and Atlanta and I don't think it will stop. Enter the Tampa Bay Rays

They are a young team that should be exciting to watch.  And while the rest of the geriatric league is installing extra handi- cap spaces, they might possibly pull a fast one on us. I hope so. It is time for something different, not involving the juice, in the MLB.

4.) March Madness

This year I tried something different for March Madness. I got everyone at the office all hyped up about how cool this years bracket pool would be. I kept up extensive guidlines and collected the money before the brackets were handed out. The pool eneded bieng like a $1000.00.

This was all good until I informed everyone that these brackets were for the womens NCAA. Needless to say it has been tense around the office as of late. Some people have literally said, " Keep the money, I am not watching one more of those damn games!!!"

Whats wrong office? I think Pat Summitt is very handsome.....

5.) I am running a Marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats right, The Dirt is going for a run. I decided that I will train for this year in hopes of competeing ( Not just running mind you) in the 2009 Los Angeles Marathon. I got my materials on the net. I start my serious trainig in mid July. Right now I am doing an easy 3 mile run. But, to simulate true marathon conditions, I have my buddy go against me in his BMW so as to represent the Kenyan guy I WILL BE TRYING TO BEAT....

SCHOOL IS OUT

AND THAT IS THE INSIDE DIRT!!!

Tuck em' in Shelley! This isn't the Pac- Ten anymore. In the words of the great sideways wearing hat, Pokey Reese, " You in the big leagues!"

That slide you pulled off against The Rays was as stupid as is was extremely unnecessary. I realize you are fairly new to the league, and proving your worth through hustle is understandable. But not breaking down on your slide, until you are over the bag, in spring training, will get you smeared!!! I'm talking, Randy Johnson vs. the pigeon kind of smeared the next time you step foot in the batters box.

Yes, Shelley is 6'5 and other measurements as well, but a fastball aimed at your gourd doesn't care. It doesn't discriminate. If aimed correctly it will hit anyone. And right now Shelley, the next time you play The Rays, it will be coming for you.

Now, most pitching coaches will turn their backs and say, " Don't go head huntin'." Or that no one should ever, or actually retaliate. Blah!!!!

I am saying in a situation like this, where a player risks another players safety by a careless, unnecessary act, its open season. Tell them Doofy, " I'll get you one for your head!!!"

I would throw at this guy until the job is done. That means if they have to bring on the back up, right fielder to finish the job because all of the pitchers were ejected, I say do it!!!

So welcome to the big leagues Shelley. Not only are you on the most hated team in America, but you are now one of the most hated men on the most hated team in America.

Trainer!!! Get Shelley some ice!!!! He got hit........ again.

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

Where is my dust pan?? Spring is here and that means one thing, clean! Yes, it is time for a once over at the Dirt. I have to air out the old laundry, or in this case, thoughts before I can move on to the summer.

 So, I got my rubber gloves on, that I lease with an option to buy, and a mouth full of thoughts that need to be coughed up. Ah Huh!! Blah!!!! Here I go!!!

 Thank god for the leap year!

 Or anything for that matter that will make the month of February go faster. I am not an NBA fan, college hoops are not the same since the Fab - Five and Hockey makes me snore! Unfortunately, those are the only sports in that month. It happens every year; once the Super Bowl is over I shut down the ESPN machine and hibernate like a skinny, hairless bear. I know I am not missing anything. Throw in Valentine's Day, and you have basically the crapiest month of the year.

 Arrrrrr you a Pirates Fan??

 I know I am. Yeah, it's been kind of a tough ride. And from the looks of things, this year will be no different. But don't blame the Coaches this year will ya!!!! Hear at the Dirt I always try to go inside for you on a thought, so hear me out, ok???? How about blame the scouts? In 2002, the Pirates drafted a player from Kent State Univ. with a name too long for even Scrabble. John Van Ben something or other. He was an amazing athlete, and a great hitter. I know, he hit a home run off me my junior year that landed in space. Seriously, I thnk it put a dent in the Hubble. The Pirates had first crack at this kid and they got him as a top ten pick in 02. And what do the Pirates do with an amazing hitter like this? They make him a pitcher. Huh!!!

 He did throw 93, but a lot of players with good arms can do that. I bet Vlad Gurrero could, you don't see the Angels making him a pitcher. Good scouting Pirates!! Idiots!

 I have heard recently that he is going to make an attempt at a Rick Ankiel. Good luck, because you sure  as a hell can't pitch.

 Que ????

 Sure, we all have egos. Sometimes an ego mixed with a case of the stupids makes for some funny stuff.

 I know a guy, a soccer player, which once mixed his ego with a case of these stupids.

 He told a girl, that just got a job with the E! Channel, that she one day will be interviewing him on Telemundo 52.

 This is all good except for one small problem. She was working for E! in the casting department and to go a tad deeper, spoke zero Spanish.  Telemundo 52 is a Spanish only station, so the thought of a non- Spanish speaking, non- journalist blonde from Arizona interviewing anything for that channel, let alone a weekend, club soccer player, would probably be a little odd. Vamos muchachos!!!!!!

 Go get some sun!!!!!

 This is a direct mandate from me, to a good 75% of the reporters on the Fox sports site. Come on guys, put down the Ozone protection SPF 100 and get some color. I'm not saying go out an get deep fried, but at least go with an 8 for the first thirty minutes. Some of you people are a nice shade of red lipstick away from being Marilyn Manson's twin. Vitamin D gang, it’s a science. Like the gene pool, don't hate!!!

 I spell Congress, N E R D S !!!!!!!!

 Don't get me wrong, I have always thought this. Now, after the Clemens thing, I really do. No explanation, I have a feeling most of you are with me on this one, pasty or not!!! 

 Steroids No!! Cheaters, Ah, Ok....

 Let me make sure I am getting this concept. Kids, don't do this, don't do that, and definitely don't do that!!!!

 Oh, but  wait. If you cheat the right way Uncle Sam will give you 750,000 clams for your time.

 There are nurses and teachers out there that don't make squat. Yet, that jack #### from Indiana got $ 750,000. And for what?? Cheating!!! No beer for you sir. No! None at all!

 What is to come from this Inside Dirt Goof?

 Plenty!!

 Baseball season is fast approaching. It is my true passion and will always be. I am sure to have all kinds of interesting things for the general masses to peruse.  They may not all be right or P.C, but they will make you think, that much I can say.

 For now, the Dirt is clean.  Thanks for helping me reach the hard corners. I'm out, I have to go get some sun.

And That Is The Inside Dirt!!

It goes back so many years. Yes, there are always memories of the day to day stuff, normal, reality, which can bite! But there is always sport. Whatever it is, for some football, others ballet. Which reminds me, I saw a T- shirt that read, “If ballet were easy they would call it football! " Regardless it is sport.

  It is the fresh faced kid kicking up dirt on a sunny afternoon, falling in love with the smell of leather that will be instilled in his memory as forever being, baseball. It isn't the win or loss, who is taking what, where is my contract!!!!! No, it is just a game, the game, any of the many games that remind us that no one is bigger than it.

  This concept fades as we get older. Most think only of going green, and that doesn't mean they buy a Prius.  Curt Flood fought hard, but for what? Confused? I am too, ask Scott Boras for that answer. For some, the game retires us. That maybe the first year of Junior Varsity, or the last year of college. It could even be a scout that says that forty time just doesn't equate to the NFL. Like most things, it will end. Again, no one is bigger than the game.

  This is when we are all reminded of what the game meant to us. Not money or fame, a shoe contract or an undying entourage. It is passion for something that moves within that to an outsider (Like Boras) they would have little idea. It has to be experienced before it can be understood. Remember, when the kid makes the shot at the buzzer while also playing announcer, it is usually for The Championship, not the next Nike Commercial.

  Passion for sport is, and will always be, pure. Sure, games will be wagered, athletes will look for an edge and some parents will most definitely make it impossible to enjoy.  But for all of this, the better side, the pure side, will always win out.

 How can I know? I know this because of guys like Brett Favre. A man who played through injuries that would make even a strong man quiver. Yet, that same man is brought to tears, like a child that just gave up the winning base hit, when the thought of not having the game enters his mind.

 I know because of coaches like Mike Krzyzewski. To most, Bobby Knight is a chair tossing #### that deserves no credit whatsoever. To Coach K, he was the mentor that helped him  develope as a man, a coach and now a mentor to others. Achieving 800 wins and thanking a man such as Coach Knight may be worthy of confusion. Not understanding it however is what makes most of us fans, nothing more. 

 There is no real way to end a thought such as this. Sport will move on. For every Roger Clemens, there are three rookies, that did it clean, waiting their shot. For every Travis Henry, there is a high school kid that is up at 5 a.m. running the bleachers because he doesn't want that scout to be the one who tells him to hang them up.

 Contracts will come and go. They will also grow. There is a kid right now throwing  a ball up and hitting it in a quite, dark field. Little does he know that his hard work and dedication to the game, while his friends are off playing Wii, is what will make him the first $ 500 million dollar athlete. Corrupt, maybe, love of money over the game, possibly. But right now he works on hitting because of the tear he shed in the bottom of the seventh. He wants to be the go to man on his team and all the money in the world couldn't buy back that strikeout with runners in scoring position. That is true passion for sport.

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

Any true fan of the game, any game, has their announcer. Every time I see Joey Galloway make a catch for the Bucs, all I can hear is Keith Jackson saying , " Whoaaa Nelllyyy!!"  And how many times as a kid did I throw the football in the air and while making a spectacular slow motion catch, the voice of Harry Kalas called my every move. Yes, announcers are the often unseen personalities that make up our inner soul as sports fans.

 It is often the poor mans part of the game. Taken for granted like the next day for almost all who follow sports. Then, from time to time we are reminded of their greatness. Living in L.A and chasing “the dream", I have run in to tons of celebrities, A- list to D- list. But, it wasn't until I shook hands and had a one on one conversation with Vin Scully that my knees truly buckled.

 Sadly, we are also reminded of greatness through tragedy. The passing of Myron Cope made me reflect on a man that was and is, like Scully, Halas and Jackson, great.

 Growing up an hour outside of the “Steel City", and loving sports, it was not long until I was introduced to a mania known as Pittsburgh Steelers football. Along with the introduction, also came the raspy voice that captivated me as even as a kid. The hour drive from St. Clairsville, Ohio to Three Rivers Stadium always seemed a little bit shorter when my Grandpa would turn the radio on and a voice that sounded like arguing static would fill the car. What was this guy yelling about?

 The funny thing was, it didn't matter what he was yelling, it was Myron Cope. All announcers have their catch phrases. That quirk or slur that makes them famous. Some are even known for their amazing broadcast skills. Not Myron. He was known mainly for a language that I can only label as pure Pittsburghese. I can hear it in my head like it was only yesterday. “Da bus just ran dahn er tru dat hole and he, he and Seau missed at tackle. Bus's legs were movin dahn hill on at one boy I tell you, Picksburgh 27, da San Dieg'O Chargers 3." Mozart had his symphonies. Myron Cope had his Pittsburgh Steelers.

 It may not have been pretty, but it was as Pittsburgh as the steel that city was founded on.  And the true fan respected it, what ever "it" was. My friend’s dad, who was a season ticket holder since 72', would attend the games with his Steelers beanie and head phones. Like so many, he preferred his live Steelers experience be narrated by Myron. Those who were not lucky enough to attend would turn the television volume on mute and the radio on high. A Steelers game just meant so much more when Myron was telling the story.

To any person not in the general Pittsburgh area, you also know Myron Cope, or at least his creation.  Any towel waving of any color at any sporting event is a direct rip off of  Myron Cope's "The Terrible Towel."   The rally piece of choice for any Steelers fan. Those puke yellow ribbons of rally inspired the towel waving from New York to Los Angeles, from hockey to soccer. Yes sir, it was all started by one man, Myron Cope.

  Any true sports fans should look up and listen to his work. Yes, listening to records being scratched would be similar, but it is true history, sports history. He didn't have the look or the voice, he had more. He was the signature of an area defined by their hard work, not their dialect. Imagine a Cardinals game with out Joe Buck, a Dodger game with out Scully. It is a difficult task. And in Pittsburgh and to Steelers fans abroad, they are battling that task tonight. The Steelers with out Myron Cope. I toast a beer to you Myron. “First Dahn en ten Picksburgh, da Stillar's are ona roll!"

Thanks for telling me the story through a different point-of-view on Sundays.

And That Is The Inside Dirt