Attention!! Attention brothers!!! It has been five long years.. Grab your Cricket stuff and get the goats,  it is time to reunite as one..

 I am using this popular blog to write to you about our Frat's five year reunion on Dad's yacht.. I saw no other way to reach all of you so I figured this would be the best way to do it.. I know you can't see me, but right now I am giving you all the secret handshake..

 Speaking of handshakes brothers.. What the hell is up with Ryan Dempster's delivery??? Guy looks like he is having wrist convulsions.. No matter though, he is chucking and that is why I am picking the Cub's to take the Central..

 So anyhow.. The reunion is on Dad's yacht.. We are going to all wear the White Polo button downs with the Blue and Grey stripped ties, which will look nice with the blue checkered casual dress shorts .. You know, the ones we wore my sophomore year when we made the pledges eat all that toilet paper.. Yeah Bro's...

 Speaking of toilet paper.. I totally believe that with the addition of Manny Ramirez, the Dodgers are going to wipe up the rest of the west... That guy can hit, he is a hitting machine!! I have never been to L.A brothers, way too liberal, but I bet those people are happy...

 So I think Skeeter is going to do the refreshments and Scooter the 5th has the catering taken care of.. You will need only to bring $500 dollars for the raffle.. We have some really great prizes.. The new chapter President for 2009 will be there.. We will shave his head and make him eat toilet paper I think. Yeah Brothers!!!!! Being older isn't so bad...

 Just like the White Sox and Ken Griffey Jr. That guy is old and wrinkly, but just like us, he can still hang with the young guys... I think he will give the Sox a boost and thus give them the A.L Central..

 While I am at it Brother's, I want to send a congrats to Stillwell Chester Cunningworth the 17th, Frat President 2000-2004, on his Hedge Fund company is really taking off. Like the rest of us, he always said he was the real Gordon Gecko. Man!!! What a lucky guy.. I know you can't see me Stillwell, but I am giving you the secret handshake... Take New York for all it is worth..

 He won't be the only one, the Met's did nothing.. Their pitching will be suspect down the stretch.. And for that Brother's, I say Phillies all the way in the East.. The Yankee's are in the same mess. When I went to Granddad's estate at the Vineyard to shoot quail, he assured me that Jason Bay will do the trick.. The Sox will take the East..... And I am going to have Dad's chef from work cook up that quail..

 Ok Bother's, I can’t wait to see you all. Pee- Wee and Codsworth will greet you at the Gate of the Yacht Club.. It is 1 Diamond Way, Connecticut, Aug. 17th 1p.m.. Bring your V-Neck Sweaters in case it gets cold...

 And by the way, cold is what the Angel's are not.. Adding Teixeira makes them that much more powerful.. I am an east-Coaster, so when I say this Brother's, It hurt's.. The Angel's will take the West, and we might see a Los Angeles World Series..

 Now I have to go, the guy who actually writes on this site found me and he is kicking my #### and I don't have my bigger brothers here to defend me like they did in college.. Take. AH!!!! You ripped my collar you ####.. AH!!! That hurt!!! It look's cool to wear the collar up like that on a golf shirt.. You just don't .... AH!!! I have to go.. THAT IS THIS GUY"S INSIDE DIRT!!!!!

 Fraternally yours,

Spencer Hornbuckle Todd the 21st

You are preachin to the quire Ken. I absolutely LOVE IT!!!!

The masses write these blogs pretending that it is a column read by hundreds, even thousands. I will admit, I enjoy reading everyones stuff, but rarely is there a fact or even an opinion that pans out. Even the junk I caugh up usually lands on the other side o####reat point. But thanks to my new dogg, Ken Rosenthal, I have a whole new confidence.

You see, Mr. Rosenthal just got finished making a point on this website about Jacoby Ellsbury. It was a great point. Strangely, I swore I had read it some where else. Then it it me!!!!! Oh yeah, I made the same point two months ago...

Ken you get paid to do this, come on!!!!!! Anyone who played above little league could take a look at Jacoby's swing and tell you he can't handle the inside fastball. Right??

I guess not. Beantown has been shouting for a Coco Crisp trade since Ellsbury managed to poke a couple outside fastballs through the old 5 & 6 during the playoffs last year. However, if the Sox faithful would have put down the Sam Adams for a second and really  paid attention, they would have noticed just how slow that dudes hands are. I know I did.. The only fastball I saw Jacoby handle on the inside turned out to be a cue shot that didn't even make it past the womens tee's. You know what that means...  Ken does. And what he says, goes.

Even if it is two months later, I am with you Ken. Keeping Coco is a good thing...

Give me a shout if you need help with any other stories...

Ken Rosenthal digs The Inside Dirt............... Maybe....... Probaly Not!!!!!!

Everyone take a seat, Kaz Matsui you can stand, and  I will explain what needs to be explained.. Remember nerds, the Dirt is about going in on the inside for questions. I have seen the concerns and I will take them on full force to put your minds at ease.

Golfers, don't hate on Tiger!!

Yes, it is true. A good 60 % of newpapers this morning had headlines dealing with Tiger's crumble, as opposed to that one South African guy that won. Guess what??? Deal with it!

Pro golfers remind me of the little frat geek that would push the real athlete at a bar, then get behind his ten older, bigger brothers that really aren't his brothers at all. Face it geeks! Tiger is a more interesting story than all of the other winners of the Masters combined. Win or Lose. Right now he is golf. So chill out Scooter Robert Maxwell the 15th, your geek got his green jacket, enjoy. It doesn't mean everyone has to acknowledge it.

 Jim Nantz wants you to cry!!

What is it with Jim Nantz and The Masters??? CBS has turned that thing in to one giant funeral. The piano in the background mixed with Jim's tone, YIKES!!!! Why the hell does everything have to be so sad?? At this rate, next year will have baby seals being clubbed and pictures of lost puppies during commercial breaks. This isn't a ballet CBS, leave the pink shorts and silver leggings at home. Give the soft stuff to Jim Rome and his " Entertainment Boy's".

Hey Kaz, how is Uranus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone get Kaz a beer and some hemorrhoid cream!!!!!

It is bad enough this guy has to play in the state of Texas,  now he is known as the guy who got put on the DL with an anal fissure.

I don't know what the hell an anal fissure is, but I do know I wouldn't want my team physcian disclosing that info if I had one.

There are three truths in this world. " What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." " Don't eat the yellow snow." and, " Whats happens to your #### is none of our business."

For some reason, the Astro's didn't get the memo on the last one. 

Kaz, if you can stand buddy, I would kick some arse.. Or at least hit someone with your newly prescribed cushion.

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

March. In like a lion, out like a college girl on Spring Break.. Fill in your own thoughts here.

I have decided to match suit here at The Dirt and take a spring break. I never got to experience this ritual of the college sex's because I was always pitching in some #### college town, like Dayton, Ohio.

But before I pack my sun block and banana hammock,I need to rehash what I have learned so far this spring. Call this my own mid- term, so to speak. Get out the cheat sheets boys and girls.. Here we go!!!!!

1.) Shaq talks too much

Before I get to the point of this, I need to serve warning. If you are in a car and the radio staion of your choice tells you they are about to play a Shaq interview, TURN DOWN YOUR BASS. Seriously, this guy can blow out a woofer faster than you can say " Hot  Pancake." The guy sounds like a woofer excursion test mixed in with some thoughtful adverbs.. There, warning served. Now on to my findings.

I have noticed a pattern relating to Shaq and former employers. He talks a lot of smack about them. I always thought that he was the one who got the raw deal in Los Angeles. After this latest rant involving the Heat I find myself talking Zen and siding with Phil. I still won't read your book.. I want the Cliffs Notes. You crazy hippy.

2.) Do the combine questions really matter??

All I have heard is how demanding these questions are from Pro teams. They put down their shemes and X's and O's and make attempts at being philosophical. The problem with this is it woulld take an #### to believe  these questions matter in a draft pick. Follow me on this one.

Q:" So Pac-man, what do you think about strip clubs and being a role model?"

A: " Well sir, I don't like strip clubs, and if I get drafted, I will be a perfect role model."

 " What a great kid, and you know what, I liked his answers. He must be telling the truth."

Q:" So Mr. Williams, what are your thoughts on marijuana?"

A: " I don't beleive that stuff should be used by an NFL player. I know if I am drafted I will stay clean."

" Wow, we have a good one here!! Let's draft him."

I will say no more. If you can run, catch, tackle or whatever at a pro level, I am sure these geniuses will accept any and all answers you throw at them. You can drool on the contract for all they care. Just be the shutdown corner they are hoping for.

3.) I like the Rays

This spring training has a general theme. There are a lot of old guys being asked to lead playoff teams. There is excitement about returns in Atlanta, Arizona and New York. The problem is, these guys were also asked to lead about thrity years ago.. Injuries have already started to rampage high octane teams like Boston and Atlanta and I don't think it will stop. Enter the Tampa Bay Rays

They are a young team that should be exciting to watch.  And while the rest of the geriatric league is installing extra handi- cap spaces, they might possibly pull a fast one on us. I hope so. It is time for something different, not involving the juice, in the MLB.

4.) March Madness

This year I tried something different for March Madness. I got everyone at the office all hyped up about how cool this years bracket pool would be. I kept up extensive guidlines and collected the money before the brackets were handed out. The pool eneded bieng like a $1000.00.

This was all good until I informed everyone that these brackets were for the womens NCAA. Needless to say it has been tense around the office as of late. Some people have literally said, " Keep the money, I am not watching one more of those damn games!!!"

Whats wrong office? I think Pat Summitt is very handsome.....

5.) I am running a Marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats right, The Dirt is going for a run. I decided that I will train for this year in hopes of competeing ( Not just running mind you) in the 2009 Los Angeles Marathon. I got my materials on the net. I start my serious trainig in mid July. Right now I am doing an easy 3 mile run. But, to simulate true marathon conditions, I have my buddy go against me in his BMW so as to represent the Kenyan guy I WILL BE TRYING TO BEAT....

SCHOOL IS OUT

AND THAT IS THE INSIDE DIRT!!!

Tuck em' in Shelley! This isn't the Pac- Ten anymore. In the words of the great sideways wearing hat, Pokey Reese, " You in the big leagues!"

That slide you pulled off against The Rays was as stupid as is was extremely unnecessary. I realize you are fairly new to the league, and proving your worth through hustle is understandable. But not breaking down on your slide, until you are over the bag, in spring training, will get you smeared!!! I'm talking, Randy Johnson vs. the pigeon kind of smeared the next time you step foot in the batters box.

Yes, Shelley is 6'5 and other measurements as well, but a fastball aimed at your gourd doesn't care. It doesn't discriminate. If aimed correctly it will hit anyone. And right now Shelley, the next time you play The Rays, it will be coming for you.

Now, most pitching coaches will turn their backs and say, " Don't go head huntin'." Or that no one should ever, or actually retaliate. Blah!!!!

I am saying in a situation like this, where a player risks another players safety by a careless, unnecessary act, its open season. Tell them Doofy, " I'll get you one for your head!!!"

I would throw at this guy until the job is done. That means if they have to bring on the back up, right fielder to finish the job because all of the pitchers were ejected, I say do it!!!

So welcome to the big leagues Shelley. Not only are you on the most hated team in America, but you are now one of the most hated men on the most hated team in America.

Trainer!!! Get Shelley some ice!!!! He got hit........ again.

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

Where is my dust pan?? Spring is here and that means one thing, clean! Yes, it is time for a once over at the Dirt. I have to air out the old laundry, or in this case, thoughts before I can move on to the summer.

 So, I got my rubber gloves on, that I lease with an option to buy, and a mouth full of thoughts that need to be coughed up. Ah Huh!! Blah!!!! Here I go!!!

 Thank god for the leap year!

 Or anything for that matter that will make the month of February go faster. I am not an NBA fan, college hoops are not the same since the Fab - Five and Hockey makes me snore! Unfortunately, those are the only sports in that month. It happens every year; once the Super Bowl is over I shut down the ESPN machine and hibernate like a skinny, hairless bear. I know I am not missing anything. Throw in Valentine's Day, and you have basically the crapiest month of the year.

 Arrrrrr you a Pirates Fan??

 I know I am. Yeah, it's been kind of a tough ride. And from the looks of things, this year will be no different. But don't blame the Coaches this year will ya!!!! Hear at the Dirt I always try to go inside for you on a thought, so hear me out, ok???? How about blame the scouts? In 2002, the Pirates drafted a player from Kent State Univ. with a name too long for even Scrabble. John Van Ben something or other. He was an amazing athlete, and a great hitter. I know, he hit a home run off me my junior year that landed in space. Seriously, I thnk it put a dent in the Hubble. The Pirates had first crack at this kid and they got him as a top ten pick in 02. And what do the Pirates do with an amazing hitter like this? They make him a pitcher. Huh!!!

 He did throw 93, but a lot of players with good arms can do that. I bet Vlad Gurrero could, you don't see the Angels making him a pitcher. Good scouting Pirates!! Idiots!

 I have heard recently that he is going to make an attempt at a Rick Ankiel. Good luck, because you sure  as a hell can't pitch.

 Que ????

 Sure, we all have egos. Sometimes an ego mixed with a case of the stupids makes for some funny stuff.

 I know a guy, a soccer player, which once mixed his ego with a case of these stupids.

 He told a girl, that just got a job with the E! Channel, that she one day will be interviewing him on Telemundo 52.

 This is all good except for one small problem. She was working for E! in the casting department and to go a tad deeper, spoke zero Spanish.  Telemundo 52 is a Spanish only station, so the thought of a non- Spanish speaking, non- journalist blonde from Arizona interviewing anything for that channel, let alone a weekend, club soccer player, would probably be a little odd. Vamos muchachos!!!!!!

 Go get some sun!!!!!

 This is a direct mandate from me, to a good 75% of the reporters on the Fox sports site. Come on guys, put down the Ozone protection SPF 100 and get some color. I'm not saying go out an get deep fried, but at least go with an 8 for the first thirty minutes. Some of you people are a nice shade of red lipstick away from being Marilyn Manson's twin. Vitamin D gang, it’s a science. Like the gene pool, don't hate!!!

 I spell Congress, N E R D S !!!!!!!!

 Don't get me wrong, I have always thought this. Now, after the Clemens thing, I really do. No explanation, I have a feeling most of you are with me on this one, pasty or not!!! 

 Steroids No!! Cheaters, Ah, Ok....

 Let me make sure I am getting this concept. Kids, don't do this, don't do that, and definitely don't do that!!!!

 Oh, but  wait. If you cheat the right way Uncle Sam will give you 750,000 clams for your time.

 There are nurses and teachers out there that don't make squat. Yet, that jack #### from Indiana got $ 750,000. And for what?? Cheating!!! No beer for you sir. No! None at all!

 What is to come from this Inside Dirt Goof?

 Plenty!!

 Baseball season is fast approaching. It is my true passion and will always be. I am sure to have all kinds of interesting things for the general masses to peruse.  They may not all be right or P.C, but they will make you think, that much I can say.

 For now, the Dirt is clean.  Thanks for helping me reach the hard corners. I'm out, I have to go get some sun.

And That Is The Inside Dirt!!