I have to admit, most of the smooshy extravagance people yap about Los Angeles is true. Yes, you can find spots in this town on the right day where one can see snow in the mountains, the skyline of the city and the ocean all by turning your head slightly in a rotating fashion. And yes, because of this you can ski in the morning, take a dip in the ocean in the afternoon and go rubber necking for celebrities at some joke of a night club by night. Waiter!!! Check please!!!!!! Chances are, he wants to be an actor too.

 The only thing missing in this town is an NFL franchise. And according to most of the reports and brandishing of excitement on even non - sport radio stations like KROQ, it is happening. Let the festivities begin... Right????  I am not so sure.

 Before we go plopping Jack Nicholson's fat arse on the 50 yard line, let’s rationalize. Shall we?

 The number one factor all the suits have been throwing around is the population of people within a certain radius of the proposed destination for the filed. Basically, how many people live in the area.

 Now, I left the exact numbers in my other pants, but I believe there is something like 12 million people within 20 miles of the stadium. Only New York can challenge numbers like those, and in defense of the “left coasters", New York’s field isn't even in New York. 

 This kind of population is fantastic for prospective butts in the seats stuff, but that is all it is, prospective. 12 million means nothing when you dig in to it. And here at the Dirt, my peeps know how I like to dig. Here me out on this thoughtful burp!!!!

 I would look at this 12 million and I would ask the following questions. One, how many of these 12 million even know what the hell football is. And out of that number, how many of them know we are not talking about soccer. Two, out of this 12 million how many people will be able to afford the extremely expensive tickets on a season basis. Or, for that matter, even one game. And three, out of the 12 million, can Paris Hilton not be one of them!!!!

 The problem is, if you answered yes to the last question, your franchise will go no where.

 That is a huge problem. Los Angeles is a town of trends. People only know what to do based on what celebrities are doing. People will wear toilet seats on their heads if they see even a "b- lister" sporting the look. This follow the leader stuff works for sporting events as well. Just look at the L.A Lakers. Seeing a Laker game is the sporty alternative to a night club or red carpet event. YIKES!!! It is sad, but true. If you want to sell those tickets, you better get the Celebes in the seats and their faces plastered all over the tube. Because we don't care if it is 4th and 10, we want to see that scarf Angelina had on and where in the hell we can buy it.

 Suddenly that 12 million doesn't quite look so big, does it Ashton!! No, it does not. But this is not the only deciding factor. There is a little football squad out here called the USC Trojans, and they have Snoop Dogg and all kinds of street cred. Game. Set.. Match.

 I grew up in Ohio, and I can tell you this, if the college team is constantly in the top ten, and the pro teams are hand me down losers, then the college team will be the hot ticket. Yes, there are Bengal and Browns fans, I have even seen some in person. But, the number is miniscule when compared to Buckeye fans. In Ohio, you watch NFL games on Sunday because you are too hung over from the college games the night before and you can't reach the remote to turn the station.

 This can be the same story in Los Angeles. The NFL is not going to expand. This means that the team occupying this new stadium will be a cast off from some other city. And unless it is a hot one from Survivor, we don't do cast off's!!! EVER!!!

 Remember, we set the trends out here. We don't get them from smaller, less attractive places.. Now, where did I put my toilet seat???????????

That is the Inside Dirt

Everyone take a seat, Kaz Matsui you can stand, and  I will explain what needs to be explained.. Remember nerds, the Dirt is about going in on the inside for questions. I have seen the concerns and I will take them on full force to put your minds at ease.

Golfers, don't hate on Tiger!!

Yes, it is true. A good 60 % of newpapers this morning had headlines dealing with Tiger's crumble, as opposed to that one South African guy that won. Guess what??? Deal with it!

Pro golfers remind me of the little frat geek that would push the real athlete at a bar, then get behind his ten older, bigger brothers that really aren't his brothers at all. Face it geeks! Tiger is a more interesting story than all of the other winners of the Masters combined. Win or Lose. Right now he is golf. So chill out Scooter Robert Maxwell the 15th, your geek got his green jacket, enjoy. It doesn't mean everyone has to acknowledge it.

 Jim Nantz wants you to cry!!

What is it with Jim Nantz and The Masters??? CBS has turned that thing in to one giant funeral. The piano in the background mixed with Jim's tone, YIKES!!!! Why the hell does everything have to be so sad?? At this rate, next year will have baby seals being clubbed and pictures of lost puppies during commercial breaks. This isn't a ballet CBS, leave the pink shorts and silver leggings at home. Give the soft stuff to Jim Rome and his " Entertainment Boy's".

Hey Kaz, how is Uranus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone get Kaz a beer and some hemorrhoid cream!!!!!

It is bad enough this guy has to play in the state of Texas,  now he is known as the guy who got put on the DL with an anal fissure.

I don't know what the hell an anal fissure is, but I do know I wouldn't want my team physcian disclosing that info if I had one.

There are three truths in this world. " What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." " Don't eat the yellow snow." and, " Whats happens to your #### is none of our business."

For some reason, the Astro's didn't get the memo on the last one. 

Kaz, if you can stand buddy, I would kick some arse.. Or at least hit someone with your newly prescribed cushion.

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

Where is my dust pan?? Spring is here and that means one thing, clean! Yes, it is time for a once over at the Dirt. I have to air out the old laundry, or in this case, thoughts before I can move on to the summer.

 So, I got my rubber gloves on, that I lease with an option to buy, and a mouth full of thoughts that need to be coughed up. Ah Huh!! Blah!!!! Here I go!!!

 Thank god for the leap year!

 Or anything for that matter that will make the month of February go faster. I am not an NBA fan, college hoops are not the same since the Fab - Five and Hockey makes me snore! Unfortunately, those are the only sports in that month. It happens every year; once the Super Bowl is over I shut down the ESPN machine and hibernate like a skinny, hairless bear. I know I am not missing anything. Throw in Valentine's Day, and you have basically the crapiest month of the year.

 Arrrrrr you a Pirates Fan??

 I know I am. Yeah, it's been kind of a tough ride. And from the looks of things, this year will be no different. But don't blame the Coaches this year will ya!!!! Hear at the Dirt I always try to go inside for you on a thought, so hear me out, ok???? How about blame the scouts? In 2002, the Pirates drafted a player from Kent State Univ. with a name too long for even Scrabble. John Van Ben something or other. He was an amazing athlete, and a great hitter. I know, he hit a home run off me my junior year that landed in space. Seriously, I thnk it put a dent in the Hubble. The Pirates had first crack at this kid and they got him as a top ten pick in 02. And what do the Pirates do with an amazing hitter like this? They make him a pitcher. Huh!!!

 He did throw 93, but a lot of players with good arms can do that. I bet Vlad Gurrero could, you don't see the Angels making him a pitcher. Good scouting Pirates!! Idiots!

 I have heard recently that he is going to make an attempt at a Rick Ankiel. Good luck, because you sure  as a hell can't pitch.

 Que ????

 Sure, we all have egos. Sometimes an ego mixed with a case of the stupids makes for some funny stuff.

 I know a guy, a soccer player, which once mixed his ego with a case of these stupids.

 He told a girl, that just got a job with the E! Channel, that she one day will be interviewing him on Telemundo 52.

 This is all good except for one small problem. She was working for E! in the casting department and to go a tad deeper, spoke zero Spanish.  Telemundo 52 is a Spanish only station, so the thought of a non- Spanish speaking, non- journalist blonde from Arizona interviewing anything for that channel, let alone a weekend, club soccer player, would probably be a little odd. Vamos muchachos!!!!!!

 Go get some sun!!!!!

 This is a direct mandate from me, to a good 75% of the reporters on the Fox sports site. Come on guys, put down the Ozone protection SPF 100 and get some color. I'm not saying go out an get deep fried, but at least go with an 8 for the first thirty minutes. Some of you people are a nice shade of red lipstick away from being Marilyn Manson's twin. Vitamin D gang, it’s a science. Like the gene pool, don't hate!!!

 I spell Congress, N E R D S !!!!!!!!

 Don't get me wrong, I have always thought this. Now, after the Clemens thing, I really do. No explanation, I have a feeling most of you are with me on this one, pasty or not!!! 

 Steroids No!! Cheaters, Ah, Ok....

 Let me make sure I am getting this concept. Kids, don't do this, don't do that, and definitely don't do that!!!!

 Oh, but  wait. If you cheat the right way Uncle Sam will give you 750,000 clams for your time.

 There are nurses and teachers out there that don't make squat. Yet, that jack #### from Indiana got $ 750,000. And for what?? Cheating!!! No beer for you sir. No! None at all!

 What is to come from this Inside Dirt Goof?

 Plenty!!

 Baseball season is fast approaching. It is my true passion and will always be. I am sure to have all kinds of interesting things for the general masses to peruse.  They may not all be right or P.C, but they will make you think, that much I can say.

 For now, the Dirt is clean.  Thanks for helping me reach the hard corners. I'm out, I have to go get some sun.

And That Is The Inside Dirt!!