I have to admit, most of the smooshy extravagance people yap about Los Angeles is true. Yes, you can find spots in this town on the right day where one can see snow in the mountains, the skyline of the city and the ocean all by turning your head slightly in a rotating fashion. And yes, because of this you can ski in the morning, take a dip in the ocean in the afternoon and go rubber necking for celebrities at some joke of a night club by night. Waiter!!! Check please!!!!!! Chances are, he wants to be an actor too.

 The only thing missing in this town is an NFL franchise. And according to most of the reports and brandishing of excitement on even non - sport radio stations like KROQ, it is happening. Let the festivities begin... Right????  I am not so sure.

 Before we go plopping Jack Nicholson's fat arse on the 50 yard line, let’s rationalize. Shall we?

 The number one factor all the suits have been throwing around is the population of people within a certain radius of the proposed destination for the filed. Basically, how many people live in the area.

 Now, I left the exact numbers in my other pants, but I believe there is something like 12 million people within 20 miles of the stadium. Only New York can challenge numbers like those, and in defense of the “left coasters", New York’s field isn't even in New York. 

 This kind of population is fantastic for prospective butts in the seats stuff, but that is all it is, prospective. 12 million means nothing when you dig in to it. And here at the Dirt, my peeps know how I like to dig. Here me out on this thoughtful burp!!!!

 I would look at this 12 million and I would ask the following questions. One, how many of these 12 million even know what the hell football is. And out of that number, how many of them know we are not talking about soccer. Two, out of this 12 million how many people will be able to afford the extremely expensive tickets on a season basis. Or, for that matter, even one game. And three, out of the 12 million, can Paris Hilton not be one of them!!!!

 The problem is, if you answered yes to the last question, your franchise will go no where.

 That is a huge problem. Los Angeles is a town of trends. People only know what to do based on what celebrities are doing. People will wear toilet seats on their heads if they see even a "b- lister" sporting the look. This follow the leader stuff works for sporting events as well. Just look at the L.A Lakers. Seeing a Laker game is the sporty alternative to a night club or red carpet event. YIKES!!! It is sad, but true. If you want to sell those tickets, you better get the Celebes in the seats and their faces plastered all over the tube. Because we don't care if it is 4th and 10, we want to see that scarf Angelina had on and where in the hell we can buy it.

 Suddenly that 12 million doesn't quite look so big, does it Ashton!! No, it does not. But this is not the only deciding factor. There is a little football squad out here called the USC Trojans, and they have Snoop Dogg and all kinds of street cred. Game. Set.. Match.

 I grew up in Ohio, and I can tell you this, if the college team is constantly in the top ten, and the pro teams are hand me down losers, then the college team will be the hot ticket. Yes, there are Bengal and Browns fans, I have even seen some in person. But, the number is miniscule when compared to Buckeye fans. In Ohio, you watch NFL games on Sunday because you are too hung over from the college games the night before and you can't reach the remote to turn the station.

 This can be the same story in Los Angeles. The NFL is not going to expand. This means that the team occupying this new stadium will be a cast off from some other city. And unless it is a hot one from Survivor, we don't do cast off's!!! EVER!!!

 Remember, we set the trends out here. We don't get them from smaller, less attractive places.. Now, where did I put my toilet seat???????????

 

 

That is the Inside Dirt

 

 

 

You are preachin to the quire Ken. I absolutely LOVE IT!!!!

The masses write these blogs pretending that it is a column read by hundreds, even thousands. I will admit, I enjoy reading everyones stuff, but rarely is there a fact or even an opinion that pans out. Even the junk I caugh up usually lands on the other side o####reat point. But thanks to my new dogg, Ken Rosenthal, I have a whole new confidence.

You see, Mr. Rosenthal just got finished making a point on this website about Jacoby Ellsbury. It was a great point. Strangely, I swore I had read it some where else. Then it it me!!!!! Oh yeah, I made the same point two months ago...

Ken you get paid to do this, come on!!!!!! Anyone who played above little league could take a look at Jacoby's swing and tell you he can't handle the inside fastball. Right??

I guess not. Beantown has been shouting for a Coco Crisp trade since Ellsbury managed to poke a couple outside fastballs through the old 5 & 6 during the playoffs last year. However, if the Sox faithful would have put down the Sam Adams for a second and really  paid attention, they would have noticed just how slow that dudes hands are. I know I did.. The only fastball I saw Jacoby handle on the inside turned out to be a cue shot that didn't even make it past the womens tee's. You know what that means...  Ken does. And what he says, goes.

Even if it is two months later, I am with you Ken. Keeping Coco is a good thing...

Give me a shout if you need help with any other stories...

 

Ken Rosenthal digs The Inside Dirt............... Maybe....... Probaly Not!!!!!!

 

 

Everyone take a seat, Kaz Matsui you can stand, and  I will explain what needs to be explained.. Remember nerds, the Dirt is about going in on the inside for questions. I have seen the concerns and I will take them on full force to put your minds at ease.

Golfers, don't hate on Tiger!!

Yes, it is true. A good 60 % of newpapers this morning had headlines dealing with Tiger's crumble, as opposed to that one South African guy that won. Guess what??? Deal with it!

Pro golfers remind me of the little frat geek that would push the real athlete at a bar, then get behind his ten older, bigger brothers that really aren't his brothers at all. Face it geeks! Tiger is a more interesting story than all of the other winners of the Masters combined. Win or Lose. Right now he is golf. So chill out Scooter Robert Maxwell the 15th, your geek got his green jacket, enjoy. It doesn't mean everyone has to acknowledge it.

 Jim Nantz wants you to cry!!

What is it with Jim Nantz and The Masters??? CBS has turned that thing in to one giant funeral. The piano in the background mixed with Jim's tone, YIKES!!!! Why the hell does everything have to be so sad?? At this rate, next year will have baby seals being clubbed and pictures of lost puppies during commercial breaks. This isn't a ballet CBS, leave the pink shorts and silver leggings at home. Give the soft stuff to Jim Rome and his " Entertainment Boy's".

Hey Kaz, how is Uranus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone get Kaz a beer and some hemorrhoid cream!!!!!

It is bad enough this guy has to play in the state of Texas,  now he is known as the guy who got put on the DL with an anal fissure.

I don't know what the hell an anal fissure is, but I do know I wouldn't want my team physcian disclosing that info if I had one.

There are three truths in this world. " What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." " Don't eat the yellow snow." and, " Whats happens to your #### is none of our business."

For some reason, the Astro's didn't get the memo on the last one. 

Kaz, if you can stand buddy, I would kick some arse.. Or at least hit someone with your newly prescribed cushion.

 

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March. In like a lion, out like a college girl on Spring Break.. Fill in your own thoughts here.

I have decided to match suit here at The Dirt and take a spring break. I never got to experience this ritual of the college sex's because I was always pitching in some #### college town, like Dayton, Ohio.

But before I pack my sun block and banana hammock,I need to rehash what I have learned so far this spring. Call this my own mid- term, so to speak. Get out the cheat sheets boys and girls.. Here we go!!!!!

1.) Shaq talks too much

Before I get to the point of this, I need to serve warning. If you are in a car and the radio staion of your choice tells you they are about to play a Shaq interview, TURN DOWN YOUR BASS. Seriously, this guy can blow out a woofer faster than you can say " Hot  Pancake." The guy sounds like a woofer excursion test mixed in with some thoughtful adverbs.. There, warning served. Now on to my findings.

I have noticed a pattern relating to Shaq and former employers. He talks a lot of smack about them. I always thought that he was the one who got the raw deal in Los Angeles. After this latest rant involving the Heat I find myself talking Zen and siding with Phil. I still won't read your book.. I want the Cliffs Notes. You crazy hippy.

2.) Do the combine questions really matter??

All I have heard is how demanding these questions are from Pro teams. They put down their shemes and X's and O's and make attempts at being philosophical. The problem with this is it woulld take an #### to believe  these questions matter in a draft pick. Follow me on this one.

Q:" So Pac-man, what do you think about strip clubs and being a role model?"

A: " Well sir, I don't like strip clubs, and if I get drafted, I will be a perfect role model."

 " What a great kid, and you know what, I liked his answers. He must be telling the truth."

Q:" So Mr. Williams, what are your thoughts on marijuana?"

A: " I don't beleive that stuff should be used by an NFL player. I know if I am drafted I will stay clean."

" Wow, we have a good one here!! Let's draft him."

I will say no more. If you can run, catch, tackle or whatever at a pro level, I am sure these geniuses will accept any and all answers you throw at them. You can drool on the contract for all they care. Just be the shutdown corner they are hoping for.

3.) I like the Rays

This spring training has a general theme. There are a lot of old guys being asked to lead playoff teams. There is excitement about returns in Atlanta, Arizona and New York. The problem is, these guys were also asked to lead about thrity years ago.. Injuries have already started to rampage high octane teams like Boston and Atlanta and I don't think it will stop. Enter the Tampa Bay Rays

They are a young team that should be exciting to watch.  And while the rest of the geriatric league is installing extra handi- cap spaces, they might possibly pull a fast one on us. I hope so. It is time for something different, not involving the juice, in the MLB.

4.) March Madness

This year I tried something different for March Madness. I got everyone at the office all hyped up about how cool this years bracket pool would be. I kept up extensive guidlines and collected the money before the brackets were handed out. The pool eneded bieng like a $1000.00.

This was all good until I informed everyone that these brackets were for the womens NCAA. Needless to say it has been tense around the office as of late. Some people have literally said, " Keep the money, I am not watching one more of those damn games!!!"

Whats wrong office? I think Pat Summitt is very handsome.....

5.) I am running a Marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats right, The Dirt is going for a run. I decided that I will train for this year in hopes of competeing ( Not just running mind you) in the 2009 Los Angeles Marathon. I got my materials on the net. I start my serious trainig in mid July. Right now I am doing an easy 3 mile run. But, to simulate true marathon conditions, I have my buddy go against me in his BMW so as to represent the Kenyan guy I WILL BE TRYING TO BEAT....

SCHOOL IS OUT

AND THAT IS THE INSIDE DIRT!!!

 

 

 

Tuck em' in Shelley! This isn't the Pac- Ten anymore. In the words of the great sideways wearing hat, Pokey Reese, " You in the big leagues!"

That slide you pulled off against The Rays was as stupid as is was extremely unnecessary. I realize you are fairly new to the league, and proving your worth through hustle is understandable. But not breaking down on your slide, until you are over the bag, in spring training, will get you smeared!!! I'm talking, Randy Johnson vs. the pigeon kind of smeared the next time you step foot in the batters box.

Yes, Shelley is 6'5 and other measurements as well, but a fastball aimed at your gourd doesn't care. It doesn't discriminate. If aimed correctly it will hit anyone. And right now Shelley, the next time you play The Rays, it will be coming for you.

Now, most pitching coaches will turn their backs and say, " Don't go head huntin'." Or that no one should ever, or actually retaliate. Blah!!!!

I am saying in a situation like this, where a player risks another players safety by a careless, unnecessary act, its open season. Tell them Doofy, " I'll get you one for your head!!!"

I would throw at this guy until the job is done. That means if they have to bring on the back up, right fielder to finish the job because all of the pitchers were ejected, I say do it!!!

So welcome to the big leagues Shelley. Not only are you on the most hated team in America, but you are now one of the most hated men on the most hated team in America.

Trainer!!! Get Shelley some ice!!!! He got hit........ again.

 

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

Where is my dust pan?? Spring is here and that means one thing, clean! Yes, it is time for a once over at the Dirt. I have to air out the old laundry, or in this case, thoughts before I can move on to the summer.

 So, I got my rubber gloves on, that I lease with an option to buy, and a mouth full of thoughts that need to be coughed up. Ah Huh!! Blah!!!! Here I go!!!

 Thank god for the leap year!

 Or anything for that matter that will make the month of February go faster. I am not an NBA fan, college hoops are not the same since the Fab - Five and Hockey makes me snore! Unfortunately, those are the only sports in that month. It happens every year; once the Super Bowl is over I shut down the ESPN machine and hibernate like a skinny, hairless bear. I know I am not missing anything. Throw in Valentine's Day, and you have basically the crapiest month of the year.

 Arrrrrr you a Pirates Fan??

 I know I am. Yeah, it's been kind of a tough ride. And from the looks of things, this year will be no different. But don't blame the Coaches this year will ya!!!! Hear at the Dirt I always try to go inside for you on a thought, so hear me out, ok???? How about blame the scouts? In 2002, the Pirates drafted a player from Kent State Univ. with a name too long for even Scrabble. John Van Ben something or other. He was an amazing athlete, and a great hitter. I know, he hit a home run off me my junior year that landed in space. Seriously, I thnk it put a dent in the Hubble. The Pirates had first crack at this kid and they got him as a top ten pick in 02. And what do the Pirates do with an amazing hitter like this? They make him a pitcher. Huh!!!

 He did throw 93, but a lot of players with good arms can do that. I bet Vlad Gurrero could, you don't see the Angels making him a pitcher. Good scouting Pirates!! Idiots!

 I have heard recently that he is going to make an attempt at a Rick Ankiel. Good luck, because you sure  as a hell can't pitch.

 Que ????

 Sure, we all have egos. Sometimes an ego mixed with a case of the stupids makes for some funny stuff.

 I know a guy, a soccer player, which once mixed his ego with a case of these stupids.

 He told a girl, that just got a job with the E! Channel, that she one day will be interviewing him on Telemundo 52.

 This is all good except for one small problem. She was working for E! in the casting department and to go a tad deeper, spoke zero Spanish.  Telemundo 52 is a Spanish only station, so the thought of a non- Spanish speaking, non- journalist blonde from Arizona interviewing anything for that channel, let alone a weekend, club soccer player, would probably be a little odd. Vamos muchachos!!!!!!

 Go get some sun!!!!!

 This is a direct mandate from me, to a good 75% of the reporters on the Fox sports site. Come on guys, put down the Ozone protection SPF 100 and get some color. I'm not saying go out an get deep fried, but at least go with an 8 for the first thirty minutes. Some of you people are a nice shade of red lipstick away from being Marilyn Manson's twin. Vitamin D gang, it’s a science. Like the gene pool, don't hate!!!

 I spell Congress, N E R D S !!!!!!!!

 Don't get me wrong, I have always thought this. Now, after the Clemens thing, I really do. No explanation, I have a feeling most of you are with me on this one, pasty or not!!! 

 Steroids No!! Cheaters, Ah, Ok....

 Let me make sure I am getting this concept. Kids, don't do this, don't do that, and definitely don't do that!!!!

 Oh, but  wait. If you cheat the right way Uncle Sam will give you 750,000 clams for your time.

 There are nurses and teachers out there that don't make squat. Yet, that jack #### from Indiana got $ 750,000. And for what?? Cheating!!! No beer for you sir. No! None at all!

 What is to come from this Inside Dirt Goof?

 Plenty!!

 Baseball season is fast approaching. It is my true passion and will always be. I am sure to have all kinds of interesting things for the general masses to peruse.  They may not all be right or P.C, but they will make you think, that much I can say.

 For now, the Dirt is clean.  Thanks for helping me reach the hard corners. I'm out, I have to go get some sun.

 

 

And That Is The Inside Dirt!!

It goes back so many years. Yes, there are always memories of the day to day stuff, normal, reality, which can bite! But there is always sport. Whatever it is, for some football, others ballet. Which reminds me, I saw a T- shirt that read, “If ballet were easy they would call it football! " Regardless it is sport.

  It is the fresh faced kid kicking up dirt on a sunny afternoon, falling in love with the smell of leather that will be instilled in his memory as forever being, baseball. It isn't the win or loss, who is taking what, where is my contract!!!!! No, it is just a game, the game, any of the many games that remind us that no one is bigger than it.

  This concept fades as we get older. Most think only of going green, and that doesn't mean they buy a Prius.  Curt Flood fought hard, but for what? Confused? I am too, ask Scott Boras for that answer. For some, the game retires us. That maybe the first year of Junior Varsity, or the last year of college. It could even be a scout that says that forty time just doesn't equate to the NFL. Like most things, it will end. Again, no one is bigger than the game.

  This is when we are all reminded of what the game meant to us. Not money or fame, a shoe contract or an undying entourage. It is passion for something that moves within that to an outsider (Like Boras) they would have little idea. It has to be experienced before it can be understood. Remember, when the kid makes the shot at the buzzer while also playing announcer, it is usually for The Championship, not the next Nike Commercial.

  Passion for sport is, and will always be, pure. Sure, games will be wagered, athletes will look for an edge and some parents will most definitely make it impossible to enjoy.  But for all of this, the better side, the pure side, will always win out.

 How can I know? I know this because of guys like Brett Favre. A man who played through injuries that would make even a strong man quiver. Yet, that same man is brought to tears, like a child that just gave up the winning base hit, when the thought of not having the game enters his mind.

 I know because of coaches like Mike Krzyzewski. To most, Bobby Knight is a chair tossing #### that deserves no credit whatsoever. To Coach K, he was the mentor that helped him  develope as a man, a coach and now a mentor to others. Achieving 800 wins and thanking a man such as Coach Knight may be worthy of confusion. Not understanding it however is what makes most of us fans, nothing more. 

 There is no real way to end a thought such as this. Sport will move on. For every Roger Clemens, there are three rookies, that did it clean, waiting their shot. For every Travis Henry, there is a high school kid that is up at 5 a.m. running the bleachers because he doesn't want that scout to be the one who tells him to hang them up.

 Contracts will come and go. They will also grow. There is a kid right now throwing  a ball up and hitting it in a quite, dark field. Little does he know that his hard work and dedication to the game, while his friends are off playing Wii, is what will make him the first $ 500 million dollar athlete. Corrupt, maybe, love of money over the game, possibly. But right now he works on hitting because of the tear he shed in the bottom of the seventh. He wants to be the go to man on his team and all the money in the world couldn't buy back that strikeout with runners in scoring position. That is true passion for sport.

 

 

And That Is The Inside Dirt.

  

Any true fan of the game, any game, has their announcer. Every time I see Joey Galloway make a catch for the Bucs, all I can hear is Keith Jackson saying , " Whoaaa Nelllyyy!!"  And how many times as a kid did I throw the football in the air and while making a spectacular slow motion catch, the voice of Harry Kalas called my every move. Yes, announcers are the often unseen personalities that make up our inner soul as sports fans.

 It is often the poor mans part of the game. Taken for granted like the next day for almost all who follow sports. Then, from time to time we are reminded of their greatness. Living in L.A and chasing “the dream", I have run in to tons of celebrities, A- list to D- list. But, it wasn't until I shook hands and had a one on one conversation with Vin Scully that my knees truly buckled.

 Sadly, we are also reminded of greatness through tragedy. The passing of Myron Cope made me reflect on a man that was and is, like Scully, Halas and Jackson, great.

 Growing up an hour outside of the “Steel City", and loving sports, it was not long until I was introduced to a mania known as Pittsburgh Steelers football. Along with the introduction, also came the raspy voice that captivated me as even as a kid. The hour drive from St. Clairsville, Ohio to Three Rivers Stadium always seemed a little bit shorter when my Grandpa would turn the radio on and a voice that sounded like arguing static would fill the car. What was this guy yelling about?

 The funny thing was, it didn't matter what he was yelling, it was Myron Cope. All announcers have their catch phrases. That quirk or slur that makes them famous. Some are even known for their amazing broadcast skills. Not Myron. He was known mainly for a language that I can only label as pure Pittsburghese. I can hear it in my head like it was only yesterday. “Da bus just ran dahn er tru dat hole and he, he and Seau missed at tackle. Bus's legs were movin dahn hill on at one boy I tell you, Picksburgh 27, da San Dieg'O Chargers 3." Mozart had his symphonies. Myron Cope had his Pittsburgh Steelers.

 It may not have been pretty, but it was as Pittsburgh as the steel that city was founded on.  And the true fan respected it, what ever "it" was. My friend’s dad, who was a season ticket holder since 72', would attend the games with his Steelers beanie and head phones. Like so many, he preferred his live Steelers experience be narrated by Myron. Those who were not lucky enough to attend would turn the television volume on mute and the radio on high. A Steelers game just meant so much more when Myron was telling the story.

To any person not in the general Pittsburgh area, you also know Myron Cope, or at least his creation.  Any towel waving of any color at any sporting event is a direct rip off of  Myron Cope's "The Terrible Towel."   The rally piece of choice for any Steelers fan. Those puke yellow ribbons of rally inspired the towel waving from New York to Los Angeles, from hockey to soccer. Yes sir, it was all started by one man, Myron Cope.

  Any true sports fans should look up and listen to his work. Yes, listening to records being scratched would be similar, but it is true history, sports history. He didn't have the look or the voice, he had more. He was the signature of an area defined by their hard work, not their dialect. Imagine a Cardinals game with out Joe Buck, a Dodger game with out Scully. It is a difficult task. And in Pittsburgh and to Steelers fans abroad, they are battling that task tonight. The Steelers with out Myron Cope. I toast a beer to you Myron. “First Dahn en ten Picksburgh, da Stillar's are ona roll!"

 

 

Thanks for telling me the story through a different point-of-view on Sundays.

 

 

And That Is The Inside Dirt

 

 

 

 

Now that the nerds on Capitol Hill have reminded us why they are NERDS, and not athletes by any means, let’s get cookin' on the upcoming season.

 

Here at the Dirt, I have broken it down to a five part series, so you the fan will have all the knowledge you need leading up to the 08 season. Enjoy!!

 

 

Part 1 - Don't Be Sold On These Three Just Yet!

 

1.) Jacoby Ellsbury

 

I can hear the Boston fans clear across the map on this one. Ok, this kid made a name for himself at the end of the year, but that doesn't matter. Want to know why? Because of scouting reports, that's why!! Anything on the inner half of the plate above 88 m.p.h, and this kid is going to have some serious wood chips left in his hands. And until he can figure out how to get his hands through on the inside pitch, I wouldn't go switching cereals just yet. Coco Crisp still may be the best brand in center.

 

 

2.) Andy LaRoche

 

Where did all of this, "Andy is our savior at third" #### come from? All I hear is how this guy is going to be the one that gets Nomar a seat on the pine. HA!! Just a couple of months ago was it not Los Angeles that was in the A-Rod sweepstakes. Hmmmm. That’s right, they were!!!!! LaRoche is young and may well be the player to fill that void left over from Beltre, but a savior, he is not. Saviors don't hit below .230 their first season. Don't worry Mia, Nomar will get his chance.

 

 

3.) Nick Swisher

 

This is another one of the victims of the scouting report. He had a good season a few years ago, but it didn't take scouts long to figure him out. He will provide attitude and hustle to the Sox, but if Ozzie can't get him to be more selective at the plate, then Nick and his .250 career avg. will be short lived in Chi- Town. 22 homeruns a year does not make you a power hitter. I don't care if you are from the same state as Kruk or not!!!

 

 

And that is the Inside Dirt

 

Oh Andy Pettite, no you didn't!! Wow! You did.

In a blink of Roger's eye, you turned the gun away from the goat, and pointed it directly at its' attacker. And you didn't even get your suit dirty. What a guy.

I honestly believed that Roger was in the clear from taking “The Clear."  I half expected to see him walk in to the congressional hearing tomorrow giving high fives, and thanking Waxman for allowing him to sleep over. “Thanks for letting me borrow your toothbrush Henry." Love and respect... Roger Clemens. p.s “Can you believe what this Brian guy is saying about me?" “What a jerk!"  

Ah, but wait a second there Roge. Do you remember the guy whom you worked on your “Money Makers" with? (See my earlier steroid article if you are confused) Of course you do.  It was your boy, Andy.

I bet the house that Roger would have never thought in a million years that his long time buddy would go “Honest Abe" on him. Everything that Clemens and his Lawyers have worked so hard to build has been destroyed. Like it was hit by a ROCKET. But you can't blame Andy, not even “The Rocket” that ignited the rocket. 

Unlike every athlete who has testified regarding PEDs, Andy Pettite told the truth. But he just didn’t tell the truth. He told a truth that just so happened to back up Brian McNamee. This was not a shot at Roger. This was Andy telling the truth. Friendship means nothing when compared to a Federal sentence. Remember that tomorrow when you are watching the hearing. Every time Pettite's name is brought up, Roger will squirm and McNamee will smirk. Regardless, Pettite's name will be in direct correlation with the truth.

I give you credit Andy. That was probably not an easy thing to do. They say that the “Juice" shrinks the grapes; well I now believe that you did not take steroids because the move you just made took some serious balls!!!!!!!

 

And that is The Inside Dirt.

 

My god man!!!!! When will it end?

This soap opera (that I told all of you would be fun) is drying out like a prune in the Scottsdale sun. Now it is Clemens wife.

There were already enough characters in this drama, now McNamee has to throw in Clemens old lady!!! Come on! What woman looks in the mirror before her national spread in S.I and says, “Wow, I look like ####, I need some HGH!!!”? I can't think of any. That is why no one cares about the Chyna sex tape. No man wants to see a woman that looks like a body building dude floating around in her birthday suit.  You want the pretty package, not the FEDEX truck it was delivered in!!!

Back to the point. This congressional parade of questioning and coffee carrying pictures is getting old. The believability of McNamee is stating to make even myself (Someone that stands by the fact Clemens cheated), a little sketchy. I can't even imagine what Clemens lawyers are saying behind closed doors.  Probably something like, “Wow, what an ####!" This in reference to his wife after her HGH use. You were doing it wrong Richard Simmons.

No seriously, you have to make fun of all this recent stuff. Picture this. Seven years ago Roger and Brian were hanging out in the basement of Clemens Texas spread. They were jamming to Motley Crew; Clemens had his man panties to his knees, beer in hand. “This isn't going to hurt is it Brian?" McNamee, holding the syringe, about to administer the shot, assures Roger it will be ok.

Then, the injection. " Ahhhhh Yeahhhhhh!!!" Clemens endures the shot, chugs his beer and crushes the can from the pain. McNamee dabs the blood with a cotton ball and gives Roger a lollie for being so courageous.

Roger breaks in to a dance of happiness because his career will be prolonged. During the escapade of early 80's white man moves, McNamee has a break through, a light bulb if you will.

“You know, I don't trust this Roger Clemens guy. I should take this syringe, cotton ball and the extra juice and save it in this beer can he just crushed." “I may have to submit this to Congress as evidence one day." “Man, I am glad I just thought of that!!"

I know, I laughed too. Its pretty funny stuff.  That is all this is now, funny stuff.

I actually thought that Clemens would get his. I thought McNamee would lay down the goods. Well, guess what? I was wrong, again. Through the idiocy of this guy submitting and claiming accusations Roger can look in to the cameras and shrug and say. “This guy is nutty." And the public will believe that, because from the looks of things, he may be right.

This doesn't mean Roger is innocent. It just means that his accuser is developing the credibility of the “Boy who cried Wolf".

I have to go, it is warming up in Los Angeles and beach season will be here before you know it. I gotta score some HGH so I can fit in to that blue Speedo I got from Dayn Perry.

 

And that is the Inside Dirt

 

The Super Bowl is almost here. Don't worry gang, no predictions from this guy. Not after the embarrassment now known as “The Ohio State Thing."  Nope, Les Miles took all my confidence. I don't know how people like Lee Corso do it. Being wrong for a living has got to take its toll.

Anyway, I figure I would take a different route this week at the Dirt and give the readers a little take home gift. Just think of it as my covered dish for that super bowl party.  Print it, email it, whatever.... discuss, argue and most of all.... ENJOY!!!

1.) First Tom, then Tony, is the next guy Eli???

 Hear me out on this one. Eli has spent his career thus far under the shadow of his brother. If he wins this thing on Sunday, look out!!! Not only will he be bigger than his brother (for the moment), but he may bump Tom and Tony. I can see the New York Times headline now. “Eli Spotted With Paris at New York Hot Spot, New Sex Tape Leaked On To Internet." They will call that one “Fourth and Short."

2.) Nobody goes to Hooters for wings!

So I thought. This may be the false statement of the decade. First, the Hooter girl just ain't what she used to be. Second, I went to a Hooters recently, and I got to tell ya'. I loved those wings. So, from now on, that will be the only reason I do go to a Hooters, for wings!!! However, I have not gotten to go to the one in Maui, but I have heard good things.

3.) Where my girls at??!!!!

Guys stop the discussion and forget about Hooters!!! Turn directly to that girl you made wear the Patriots jersey, give her a hug, a smooch and a high - five. She deserves it. Don't get me wrong it is damn sexy you got your girl to watch the game and more so to cheer and drink. But if you think for five minutes she is not planning the cross attack for this one, you are CRAZY!!!! Maybe a play, shoe shopping, extra snuggling, I don't know. The possibilities are endless. Regardless, the sacrifice has not gone unnoticed by me. So I toast a beer to you girls. Thanks for playing along and looking good while doing it. Next year we will go to that parade, I promise....

4.) Is Jim Rome Burning.... or Flaming?

I have followed Jim Rome's career for some time. His radio show, getting knocked out by Jim Everett, the pad he has up on Mulholland Drive, they are all interesting. But I have to admit, his forum guests are weak!!!!!!! I find it extremely hard to listen to a guys opinion on a sport subject, and then see that same guy an hour later on a different show telling me what dresses the Celebrities will be wearing this summer and why. I know it is Los Angeles Jim, but come on buddy!!! Let the Entertainment Tonight people do their thing and you do yours.

5.) Quick!!! Everyone take a time out and get some grub!!!!!

I think I am going to make some wings for the game. The key is to marinate them in brown sugar and Pepsi first. Don't knock it until you try it. Instead of hot sauce, try blending ranch dressing, wasabi and roasted red peppers. Coat your wings in that and bake at 450. The Pepsi makes it sweet and the wasabi adds fire. Serve it with a Fat Weasel Pale Ale and she just might be wearing that jersey as a night gown. Ya KNOW!!!!!!

6.) Tummy's full? How about those commercials???

This is the most intriguing part of the game.  You think I am wrong? Ok. If you are at a bar for the game, look around and notice the number of people who watch the opening kick off. Then, watch the number of people who look up to see the first commercial. Compare your findings. You will see what I mean. Lately, the commercials have lost the funny. Too much internet computer stuff. They need to bring back the Frogs and Lizards. Speaking of which, if you don't already feel old, that commercial aired in 1995. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7.) Two of the greatest then, now, not so much...

Ask anyone about the Star Spangled Banner and before you can finish the banner part, someone will say Whitney Houston. As they should. She rocked the Anthem during a war time Super Bowl that to this day, still gives me chills. Now think back to one of the hottest halftime shows.  Britney Spears with those socks on her hands singing Aerosmith ring a bell? That was the first time across America men didn't get up to get a fresh beer during the halftime show. Even grandpa was not moving!!! Now, times have changed. One is only known for "Crack being Whack", and the other might shave her head and try to beat your butt with an oversized golf umbrella. Oh well, don't let it ruin the nachos.

8.) I have a joke for you. It is based on a true story

I saw Jose Canseco at the Grove in Los Angeles last weekend. I have to admit, I was a little giddy. Hey, sports fans are sports fans. I know the guy was dirty, but it was neat to see him. He is huge by the way. Anyway, it got me thinking, what was Jose doing at the Grove? Then it hit me. Someone must have told him the Farmer's Market has a really good Juice Bar... get it?? Juice Bar. WAH WAH!!!!!!

9.) Homage to the greatest pause in sports history.

Jeremy Schapp with ESPN. Not only is he a great reporter but he has also perfected a pause that now many at that station try to mimic. Sadly they can not. His dad did it well, but Jeremy has the right amount of lisp and diction that makes it so cool. I'm Jeremy Schapp, ES................................................
..................................................
........................PN.  I love it.  

10.) Finally!!! A final thought.

Don't forget while you are watching the game on Sunday that there are still some cities that do not have the fortune of having a Pro Football Team. Los Angeles would be the next in line for this gift, but I worry we would screw it up out here. Football needs fans to survive and prosper. Trendiness like it is the newest night club will not work. Here is my point. I talked to a person last week about their first L.A Lakers experience. They said it was awesome. They saw Brad Pitt, Chad Michael Murray and Ashton Kutcher. I replied, "That was neat, who were the Lakers playing?" This person replied, “You know, I don't remember." I guess some cities deserve what they deserve.

 

 

AND THAT IS THE INSIDE DIRT 

Golf! It sounds like you have something caught in your throat. . Sure I have played a few holes, not always sober. Do you know a better way???!!!. I even played on my High school team. I hold the esteemed reputation of being one of three golfers kicked off for smoking my sophomore year. Yep, golf, what a game. What a gaammmeeeeaee............................

Sorry, this is a couple hours later. I must have fallen asleep at the computer. That’s usually what happens to me when I am watching or actually doing anything that involves the sport of golf. It is boring!!!

Golfers are like Santa's reindeer. Tiger is Rudolph, the most famous reindeer of all. Phil and Singh are Donner and Blitzen. The rest of the golfers are the reindeer in the middle of the song that most of America can't remember to save their lives. They will say anything. Sneezy, Snoopy, Cupid ( That is really one of them), Charles, Viggo Mortenson, you get the point. If it isn't one of the first three, forget it.

However, I have to give props to one golfer for his recent accomplishments. And, like always here at the Dirt, it is for the inside dish, not fat expert opinion (Geeks).

Dan Chopra is on top of the world, or at least, his own world. It took four extra holes to do it, but Danny won some Hawaii green. 1.1 million to be exact. He probably still has the over-sized check in the trunk of his car to prove it. Along with that, a prize greater than cash, a trip to The Masters. I can already hear that sappy piano music NBC plays in the background like it is a damn four day funeral. Regardless, Dan Chopra is in!!! Congratulations brother, you deserve it. I hope the next Green blazer goes over your shoulders dude.

I give this praise because Dan Chopra could possibly be the coolest golfer, EVER!!

It was three years ago at the FBR in Scottsdale, Az. The driving range was the place to be. Fan's of the game stood by and watched grown men hit balls with each other, and then explain why one man hits it better than the next. My friends and I could care less. We were wasted bro!!!!! Unlike the walking dead, that are golf fans, we just wanted to heckle. For that, we needed a good target. It was not easy; Vijay was standing way too far away for any of our verbal splashing to take effect. Enter Dan Chopra.

No one knew who this guy was. He stood in the far left corner of the d- range and went about his business. Until we showed up.  

Thank the golf gods for those little signs next to the guy explaining who in the hell they are, or the coolest golf experience would have not existed this day.

Once learning Dan's name was Dan, we decided to cheer for his d- range practice. In fact, we decided to cheer his every swing, practice or not. It was the loudest any driving range has probably ever gotten at a professional golfing event, I guarantee it!!!

You think that the constant noise would frazzle an unknown golfer like Dan Chopra, but it did nothing of the sort.  He was great!! He played along with our group like he was one of us. He pulled off a few trick shots, and if I can remember correctly, he even took a swing and missed one time. Dan was the coolest.

After the fun, he came over and gave us the love for being with him through every swing during his practice. He even signed my plastic beer cup. What a guy!!!

So I say to you Dan Chopra! Stand up and take notice. You may not be Rudolph, but you are definitely the coolest golfer EVER!!!!! I still have that plastic cup buddy!!

 

And that is The Inside Dirt

 

Ok, so LSU won. I was wrong. My last blog now puts me on the same expert level as Sean Salisbury. Whatever, I still stand by my guns, although out of ammo, it was not a prediction. It was just a thought, a really bad thought. I tip my hat to you Les Miles. The beer is on me buddy. I will even invite Saban; you might want to throw a toast his way. Regardless, your team has proven itself worthy of praise. National Champs. Congrats.

But, if you are going to come to this party, you will have to wait your turn for the keg stand. I’m sorry, but first dibs have got to go to the unsung, long shots that are, that were and will always be WVU!!!!

Does anyone remember Reggie Rembert, Major Harris or A.B Brown? Chances are, no one does. Want to know why? Because history doesn’t give recognition to the guys who come in second place. That’s just the way it is.

The three above mentioned players were the driving force behind a WVU offensive attack that led the Mounty’s to a National Title try in the late 80’s against Notre Dame. The result, a loss. A heartbreak for WVU and its’ fans. Those poor fans!!

Let’s face it, being from the great state of West Virginia has drawbacks. Besides the ever revolving jokes that involve your mother being your sister who is a cousin from years back, there are not a lot of great sports teams to get excited about. They have to borrow teams from other states and call them their own. Trust me, if it isn’t WVU or NASCAR then it is a Pittsburgh Steelers flag hanging outside the trailer. What do you expect? The only thing else is a giant hunting and fishing store called Cabella’s. Yikes!! You live and die with WVU football. And the last 20 years has done nothing but spawn more gravestones.

This year began to look no different than the last and the one before that, and before that and so on and so on. They had a chance to shut down the entire state, (a feat that is usually only saved for the first weekend of deer season) and challenge their neighbors (Ohio) to a duel. But, we all know what happened to that dream. Dave Wanstadt and his mustache intervened. Woops!!

So Pitt beat WVU and washed away the National Title dreams of the Mounty’s and their fans. Surprised?  It has happened before. They choked on their own air, or error.

That’s what happens in rivalry games. Throw out the records. I know it hurts, but nothing is guaranteed! I saw the tears on all those pasty faces. I thought it was from staring at the yellow uni’s in HD, (West Virginia isn’t actually crawling with fashion sense either) but it has HAPPENED BEFORE. The prize?  Another BCS bowl bid that won’t deliver a title. I need a yard sale and some peanut butter!!! It was too depressing to even cope with!

The aftermath of that game was like a giant avalanche. Title hopes gone. Richey Rod scooted off to bigger and better. And just to pour a little more salt in that flesh wound, the Mounty’s had to go back to Arizona (where they were embarrassed by Notre Dame 20 years ago) and play a Sooner team that many believed should have been in the National Title game. Advantage Oklahoma! Or was it?

I will admit I was on board for the inevitable slaughter. There were just too many circumstances against WVU. And stats! Oklahoma was in the top 5 for run defense, and the offense scored a ton of points this season. That sounded like a winning formula to me. And they had a stool pigeon to boot. That’s right, it turned out that Bobby Stoops just happened to be b.f.f. with none other than one Mr. Coach Jim Leavitt. You know him WVU. His Bulls wrecked the China Shop that was your perfect season. Nothing like a little insider info among friends. Especially when one of those friends had already beaten your upcoming foe. Throw in the whole no coach thing and you got your self a loss. 

But guess what? 48-28.. That’s what. Say it with me WVU! 48-28.. Yeah buddy!

Just like Martha Stewart has taught us, insider info is not always a sure fire way to a win. WVU looked like a pro team playing against the J.V. Pat White looked great, Devine was amazing and the D was brilliant. I am not even a WVU fan (GO HERD) but man, what a victory. 48-28!! Say it WVU! Put your teeth in and say it!! 48-28.

Sure LSU will get all the hype that the National Champ deserves and WVU will undoubtedly be 2nd place. But what a 2nd place! This is not the 80’s WVU, you went out with a win! To hell with the Steelers! Go Mountaineers!

Remember, there is a team in Norman right now that is crying in their cheerios. They had the better bowl record, conference and the inside chirpings from South Florida. And they blew it! I bet the house that Stoops has not returned any of Leavitt’s calls this week.

 All of these spoils were brought on by a team, a state and a way of being that has had the loser soup bib on for way too long. That was a hell of a second place finish!

So get off your #### Mountain Mama! Put the cheesy poofs down and get to Wal- Mart. Buy that Fiesta Bowl Champs shirt and wear it with pride because it looks damn nice with that thermal underwear you already have on.

 

And that is the Inside Dirt. 

Stats, stats, expert opinion ( if that's what you call Lee Corso), more stats, the S.E.C... BLAH BLAH BLAH... The National Championship is finally on the door step, albeit the wrong day. Seriously, ratings, that is the final stink of bowl games, money. Make this game a prime time Sunday night deal. That way every coast can enjoy watching Ohio State win.  Now, the left coast will be stuck on the 101 coming from work behind two Armenians delivering dry cleaning to places unknown while the first quarter slips out of Les Miles hands.

I am not here for predictions. I have seen enough of those the last few days to choke a donkey.

No, this is more. It is spiritual, a cleansing of the mind.. S.E.C. and Big Ten alike.. Remember the little dude hanging out of the bigger dude in Total Recall?? Open your mind to me.... Open your mind!!!

This college season has been nutty to say the least. Who knew the Mountaineer's would beat a team that a coach from the Mountaineer's is now taking over. HUH ??? Exactly!!!!!!

With all the craziness, one can not rely on pure football speak and equations for a winner to be crowned champ in this enigma that is and was the NCAA football season.  

Quite simply, it is simple. Overrated vs. Overrated. Who wins, who loses?? The loser? None other than the team who does not accept their overrated quality. LSU, of course.

Not a prediction gang, it is science. This team slipped in to the title game like #### through a goose. So did the Buckeye's. Remember this season is CRAZY. These two teams playing for the title perhaps are not even the best. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The decider you ask ? KARMA!!! A big scoop of it. OSU and its coaches knew they got a gift. The Big Ten was down, they lost to the Illini, whatever. Tressel took the bid to the Rose Bowl because that is where they should have been. However, he unwrapped this present and was, well thankful. That is it.. Nothing more...nothing less.

LSU on the other hand got beat twice, should have gotten beat more, and has only the strong breeze of the S.E.C. supporters blow hole to get them in the game. They also should be thankful. Yet, when Les opened the present he tossed it like it was a pair of black socks he had gotten the year before.

Karma, Les, KARMA!!! All I hear is they deserve it, we deserve it,  S.E.C rules. No, no, no... wrong Les... wrong... bad Les. You don't deserve anything. Be thankful. When someone wins the lottery or the title bid in this season, smile, BE APPRECIATIVE.

I am not rooting against  Les or the S.E.C or whatever else someone can come up with. Just the Karma man, the Karma. Timberlake said it, " What goes around comes back around." Right now, he is the Walrus.  OSU WINS!!!!!

Get your #### to Mars!!!!

That is the Inside Dirt!