Phil Hartman was a true comedic genius. One of my favorite SNL skits was the one where he played the Unfrozen Caveman, Cirroc. Cirroc was often confused about many of our modern day conveniences, but he always won in court. Here are a few of the athletes who would retain Cirroc’s services and the defenses that I see him using to help these athletes beat the rap.
Barry Bonds
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your world frightens and confuses me. Why do luxury cars such as my Mercedes require “premium” unleaded gasoline? Do the horses inside the engine require a different type of liquid to drink than the ones in a minivan? How do my headlights know to come on automatically? Is this some sort of voodoo? Also, when I see athletes using steroids to make their muscles get larger and their testicles shrink, my mind can’t comprehend why any male would do this. How do these steroids work? Are there tiny demons inside the needle which enter into the bloodstream and cause muscles to grow? Do these steroids somehow slow the ball down for the hitter so that it makes it easier to hit the ball? Do steroids help the player with his hand eye coordination? I may not know much about your world, but this one thing I know, Mr. Bonds was a great player before the steroid debate and he continues to be a great player. When my client breaks Hank Aaron’s record next year he will go down in the record books as the all time HR leader. In conclusion your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and Mr. DA, I may be just an unfrozen caveman, but if my memory serves me well, I was unfrozen in the United States of America. In the good “ole” US of A, we still operate under the premise of “innocent until proven guilty.” Until Mr. Bonds has a positive test for steroids he must be found NOT GUILTY on all charges.
Reade Seligmann, Collin Finnerty, David Evans
Members of the jury, your world confuses me beyond belief. This thing called a “boom” box is beyond my reasoning capabilities for I am just an unfrozen caveman. Are there tiny musicians living inside it which play when you summon them? Also, I don’t understand this concept of paying a woman to take off her clothes and dance in front of 30 men. This DNA evidence is also outside the grasp of my mental capacities. The blueprint for every human being is inside this DNA and it is unique for each individual and yet none of this DNA can be found on the accused while someone else’s DNA was found inside this woman. Maybe I am just a simpleton, but your honor this one thing I know, these young men are innocent!
I just read where Kim Roberts, the second “exotic dancer” at the Duke Lacrosse party, said in an interview with Good Morning America,
“Go ahead, go ahead. Put marks on me. Go ahead. That's what I want. Go ahead.' And it chilled me to the bone."
If this is not enough to get the DA to drop the case what is? If here testimony stays the same, which is debatable, then clearly any jury would have reasonable doubt.
As if that is not enought, Kim Roberts also says the she has never been interviewed by the DA, Mike Nifong. Wouldn't any reasonable district attorney want to interview a key witness? Nifong has said that he will let the police interview her, but they have not talked to her since the initial investigation in March. Maybe Nifong knows her testimony will hurt his case, but that just brings up the whole motivation for his taking these young men to trial. This is all about his political aspirations. Roberts goes on to say,
"Because ... so much of (the accuser's) statement differs from mine ... I might not help the prosecution at all as a witness,"
I have stated from Day One, Mike Nifong is an ####, this stripper is after money, and these three young men are innocent. The only thing they are guilty of is using bad judgment.
Now that the defense has all of the testimony from the DA’s office, including the other stripper’s testimony soon after the night of the alleged incident, it is clear this case should never have been prosecuted.DA Mike Nifong will have questions to answer and I for one hope the voters in Durham County hold him accountable for this travesty. He failed to disclose this testimony to defense attorneys when he asked to search their rooms. Not being an attorney, I wonder if any of the collected evidence will even be admissable in court. It seems to me that many things were handled improperly by this politically motivated DA. (This is my 6th or 7th post on the Duke case. Stripper Who Cried Wolf, Another DA Bitten by the Fame Bug, Who Cares If He Has An Ailbi, Is No DNA Evidence Possible, Should Nifong Put Kim Roberts On The Stand, and numerous Duke Updates.)
The other “dancer” said that she was never alone for more than five minutes and that the whole rape allegations were a “crock”.This was her testimony up until her appearance on national television with Diane Sawyer.So what changed?She says after hearing the racial insults and the way the defense has slandered the other dancer that she now could believe it happened.Did she not hear those racial insults that night?So, again, I ask what has changed her testimony?Could it be money?Could it be fame?Could it be her desire to be on television?I don’t know the answer, but one thing is for sure; her testimony so close to the event will be called into question and now all of her testimony will be in doubt.Chalk up one more for the defense.
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your world frightens and confuses me. Why do luxury cars such as my Mercedes require “premium” unleaded gasoline? Do the horses inside the engine require a different type of liquid to drink than the ones in a minivan? How do my headlights know to come on automatically? Is this some sort of voodoo? Also, when I see athletes using steroids to make their muscles get larger and their testicles shrink, my mind can’t comprehend why any male would do this. How do these steroids work? Are there tiny demons inside the needle which enter into the bloodstream and cause muscles to grow? Do these steroids somehow slow the ball down for the hitter so that it makes it easier to hit the ball? Do steroids help the player with his hand eye coordination? I may not know much about your world, but this one thing I know, Mr. Bonds was a great player before the steroid debate and he continues to be a great player. When my client breaks Hank Aaron’s record next year he will go down in the record books as the all time HR leader. In conclusion your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and Mr. DA, I may be just an unfrozen caveman, but if my memory serves me well, I was unfrozen in the United States of America. In the good “ole” US of A, we still operate under the premise of “innocent until proven guilty.” Until Mr. Bonds has a positive test for steroids he must be found NOT GUILTY on all charges.
Members of the jury, your world confuses me beyond belief. This thing called a “boom” box is beyond my reasoning capabilities for I am just an unfrozen caveman. Are there tiny musicians living inside it which play when you summon them? Also, I don’t understand this concept of paying a woman to take off her clothes and dance in front of 30 men. This DNA evidence is also outside the grasp of my mental capacities. The blueprint for every human being is inside this DNA and it is unique for each individual and yet none of this DNA can be found on the accused while someone else’s DNA was found inside this woman. Maybe I am just a simpleton, but your honor this one thing I know, these young men are innocent!
