Phil Hartman was a true comedic genius. One of my favorite SNL skits was the one where he played the Unfrozen Caveman, Cirroc. Cirroc was often confused about many of our modern day conveniences, but he always won in court. Here are a few of the athletes who would retain Cirroc’s services and the defenses that I see him using to help these athletes beat the rap.
Barry Bonds
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your world frightens and confuses me. Why do luxury cars such as my Mercedes require “premium” unleaded gasoline? Do the horses inside the engine require a different type of liquid to drink than the ones in a minivan? How do my headlights know to come on automatically? Is this some sort of voodoo? Also, when I see athletes using steroids to make their muscles get larger and their testicles shrink, my mind can’t comprehend why any male would do this. How do these steroids work? Are there tiny demons inside the needle which enter into the bloodstream and cause muscles to grow? Do these steroids somehow slow the ball down for the hitter so that it makes it easier to hit the ball? Do steroids help the player with his hand eye coordination? I may not know much about your world, but this one thing I know, Mr. Bonds was a great player before the steroid debate and he continues to be a great player. When my client breaks Hank Aaron’s record next year he will go down in the record books as the all time HR leader. In conclusion your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and Mr. DA, I may be just an unfrozen caveman, but if my memory serves me well, I was unfrozen in the United States of America. In the good “ole” US of A, we still operate under the premise of “innocent until proven guilty.” Until Mr. Bonds has a positive test for steroids he must be found NOT GUILTY on all charges.
Reade Seligmann, Collin Finnerty, David Evans
Members of the jury, your world confuses me beyond belief. This thing called a “boom” box is beyond my reasoning capabilities for I am just an unfrozen caveman. Are there tiny musicians living inside it which play when you summon them? Also, I don’t understand this concept of paying a woman to take off her clothes and dance in front of 30 men. This DNA evidence is also outside the grasp of my mental capacities. The blueprint for every human being is inside this DNA and it is unique for each individual and yet none of this DNA can be found on the accused while someone else’s DNA was found inside this woman. Maybe I am just a simpleton, but your honor this one thing I know, these young men are innocent!
Funny, funny stuff! I for one happen to think that Phil Hartman was the funniest guy ever on SNL (and that says a LOT). He could just look at the camera and make me laugh.
Nice Socal. The tongue in cheek delivery is spot on. Seeing Bonds like that always makes me smile. Anything to make him look like a fool is fine with me.
SAX, Hartman was up in the two three for me along with Mike Myers and Will Ferrell.
North and Hoff, thanks for the comments. Of course I take up for Barry, someone has too. If I just jumped on the same bandwagon as everyone else I would lose my identity.
Good to see that your stance on Bonds hasn't changed in my absence. Is the hidden message here the same as the Geico ad campaign? "Bonds: so easy to defend, even a caveman could do it"
Shooter, Phil was involved in so many voice over talents. He is/was one of my favorite comedians.
TSI: It frightens and confuses me as well. As for Bonds, I really think he is just doing some advanced hormone replacement therapy, but you are right about one thing. The DA's in most of these cases are so inept that "even a caveman" could defend Bonds or anyone else for that matter.
How about the Duke boys? No one wants to tackle that one.
Last edited by socalsportsfan on November 6th at 2:11 PM.
Mean, no problem. I wrote a lot of these type posts the first few months or in a comedic vein or is it vane? Anyway, I enjoy the comedy from time to time.
Last edited by socalsportsfan on November 6th at 6:34 PM.
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your world frightens and confuses me. Why do luxury cars such as my Mercedes require “premium” unleaded gasoline? Do the horses inside the engine require a different type of liquid to drink than the ones in a minivan? How do my headlights know to come on automatically? Is this some sort of voodoo? Also, when I see athletes using steroids to make their muscles get larger and their testicles shrink, my mind can’t comprehend why any male would do this. How do these steroids work? Are there tiny demons inside the needle which enter into the bloodstream and cause muscles to grow? Do these steroids somehow slow the ball down for the hitter so that it makes it easier to hit the ball? Do steroids help the player with his hand eye coordination? I may not know much about your world, but this one thing I know, Mr. Bonds was a great player before the steroid debate and he continues to be a great player. When my client breaks Hank Aaron’s record next year he will go down in the record books as the all time HR leader. In conclusion your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and Mr. DA, I may be just an unfrozen caveman, but if my memory serves me well, I was unfrozen in the United States of America. In the good “ole” US of A, we still operate under the premise of “innocent until proven guilty.” Until Mr. Bonds has a positive test for steroids he must be found NOT GUILTY on all charges.
Members of the jury, your world confuses me beyond belief. This thing called a “boom” box is beyond my reasoning capabilities for I am just an unfrozen caveman. Are there tiny musicians living inside it which play when you summon them? Also, I don’t understand this concept of paying a woman to take off her clothes and dance in front of 30 men. This DNA evidence is also outside the grasp of my mental capacities. The blueprint for every human being is inside this DNA and it is unique for each individual and yet none of this DNA can be found on the accused while someone else’s DNA was found inside this woman. Maybe I am just a simpleton, but your honor this one thing I know, these young men are innocent!
