Floyd Landis triumphant entry into Paris will soon be forgotten and overshadowed by the fact that his B sample also came back positive.  Landis still wants the opportunity to clear his name so he agreed to be interviewed by Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report.  The following is a transcript of the upcoming episode.

SC:  Welcome to the Colbert Report, Mr. Landis.  Can I call you Floyd?

FL:  Sure Stephen, call me Floyd.

SC:  That’s Mr. Colbert to you Floyd.  Well, let’s get right to what everyone wants to know, did you inject yourself with an outside substance?

FL: Mr. Colbert, I did inject myself with anything!  I would never do that.

SC:  But Floyd, I read that you took cortisone injections for your arthritic hip. 

FL:  Well yes Mr. Colbert, I did inject myself with cortisone.

SC:  And cortisone is a steroid from the corticosteroid family, so you did inject steroids.  FL:  Okay, I injected cortisone, but that is considered legal because it is used for pain.

SC:  Is it possible someone may have tampered with the contents of that syringe?

FL:  I suppose anything is possible, but I don’t think so.  Just my trainer and I handle all of my supplements.

SC:  So you’re saying, you did not take any steroids during the race.  Am I correct in that?

FL:  Yes.

SC:  What about prior to the race and what explanation do you have for your unnaturally high levels?

FL:  No, it is a common misconception that you have to take steroids to be competitive.  I have never used them; my body just produces a high level of testosterone naturally.  Maybe it was the beer and whiskey I had after stage 16 that caused my testosterone to shoot off the charts.

SC:  Beer and whiskey;  Come on, then that means every male watching this show might be elevating their testosterone levels as we speak.  Did you not have any beer or whiskey during any of the other stages?

FL:  No, I was trying to drown my sorrows after falling eight minutes behind Oscar.

SC:  Whose Oscar?

FL:  Oscar Pereiro, he is the Spaniard who came in second.

SC:  I think you mean first don't you.  After all, after this second test you are going to be stripped of the title and he will be crowned the victor.  Why do you hate America?

FL:  I don’t hate America.

SC:  But you DID ride for the Swiss Team Phonak, but they have recently fired you, and now you let a Spaniard win!  Why didn’t you stay on Lance Armstrong’s US Postal Team? 

FL:  Lance and I don’t get along too well. 

SC:  Maybe because you are jealous of his 7 wins?

FL:  I have nothing but the utmost respect for Lance and what he accomplished in this sport and his fight over cancer, but I wanted to be the lead rider for his team, and Lance had other ideas.

SC:  Do you think you will win in your arbitration case with the US Doping Agency?

FL:  I don’t know, but I intend on proving it.

SC:  How will you prove your body produces high levels of testosterone on just one stage of the race?

FL:  I think after the show I am going to go down a six pack of Coors and chase it with some Jack Daniels. 

SC:  It might not elevate your testosterone, but it might just help you forget.  Good luck Floyd and thanks for coming on the Colbert Report.

SoCalSportsFan

*This is fictitious for those who would believe it to be true although the dialogue contains many true statements. To see a photo of Floyd receiving his testosterone click on this link.*