We’ve survived a sports bonanza the past week, yet why do I feel worn out and annoyed by redundancy and unanticipated sleaze?  

1) The NFL Draft-Can this event go on any longer?  Thank God the league shortened the first round selection time from 15 minutes.  The number of talking heads who claim to know the draft order gives me headaches.  Who pays to hear from these guys?  Keyshawn Johnson giving advice to anyone is suspect, for the lack of a nasty word.  Here’s a hint networks, put a babe on the panel and the boys will watch.  Put them in bikinis and Parcells will watch.  Why the avalanche of pre-draft selection shows, followed by endless post-draft shows?  Can you say overkill?   Calgon take me away!  

2) Sean Avery of the NHL Rangers is such a turd that the league created a new rule because of him DURING the playoffs.  Avery was waving his stick in the goalie’s face, obstructing his view.  Avery also spent his quality time discussing the goalie’s ex-wife.  Classy guy, that Avery!  The unnamed goalie refused to shake Avery’s hand at the end of the series.  I salute him for that.  Media hacks immediately dissed the goalie for being a poor role model to kids.  Apparently the media didn’t watch the games, but phoned in the stories.  Bad media, bad media!  Get off the keyboard.  

Karma showed up and kicked Avery in the spleen following the game.  The mouthy child was hospitalized with a lacerated spleen and the blogging world wasn’t overly disappointed at his situation.  Complications to his surgery were reported today.  How do you lacerate a spleen without a switchblade!   In March, it was reported that Avery’s phone number was in a Manhattan Madam’s little black book.  I thought hockey dudes got all the chicks…they do, for $700 an hour, with the Spitzer discount!  I’m here all week, try the veal.  

3) UEFA Champions League-Bet you don’t care what that is.  I do. The cream of the European soccer crop plays an international tournament.  This year, the last teams standing are Chelsea (blue jersey) and Manchester United (red jersey).  (Color hints were for US fans.) This all English final will be played in Moscow.  What’s the over/under on arrests?  Do the fans have to bring their own handcuffs to the game?  What are hooligans like on holiday?  Wait till May 21 to find the match buried on your cable networks. This match shows that the Premier League is the bomb!

4) Roger Clemens-This pathetic drama makes me yearn for Barry Bond’s fat head.  Mindy McCready has not denied having a sexual relationship with Clemens when she was 15!  Isn’t that a criminal act?  Clemens can kiss off his Hall of Fame election now that the media has someone to zero in on that’s not named Bonds.  Since the facts eventually surface in the East River, we’ll learn just how sleazy Roger is, and if it’s anything like his attorney, Rusty, it’ll get ugly.   Mrs. Clemens did not return my calls, but her attorney did!  Ba-da-bing!  Call me Debbie!  

5) Jason Whitlock, a dude who gets paid to write sports articles, hates everyone with a keyboard that isn’t named Jason Whitlock.   Sorry Jason, the Sherman Anti-Trust Act guarantees the public the right to blog.  Go ahead, look it up.  The internet has changed the sports information game and some cry babies want to pick up their sandbox and go home.  This isn’t the 80’s Whitlock.  Everyone gets to play.  If you’re not nice, the public may notice that you don’t have game, just the same move where you juke to the far left and cry, ‘‘Skin color foul!”  Bring that one-on-one and I’ll feed you the ball for lunch.   The blogosphere deserves better.  

Personal Rant: 

6) I spent Thursday thru Sunday at the PGA Byron Nelson Classic.  This meant I missed most of the NFL draft.  Not really, the draft will be re-played till August kickoff.   The tourney used to be in May, followed by the Hogan in Fort Worth.  This gave PGA players the opportunity to park their butts in the metro area for two weeks.  The brain trust in the PGA office decided to hose over north Texas by splitting the tournaments and moving the Byron Nelson Classic to April.  Ok, that’s a personal rant and the brainiac commissioner adjusted the schedule for 2009.   In 2007, the course was in terrible shape and half the greens were dead and embalmed!  This year only one Top Ten player showed and it was the Masters champion.  The tournament skippers missed a fantastic new course, built by D.A. Weibring after the 2007 tournament.  Eldrick Woods wasn’t missed as the new course was the show.   Eldrick also avoids the Hogan because it’s a traditional course.  There’s not a known meaning for the name Eldrick.  I think it’s a convoluted Spanish name, el Drick, meaning: Born with a wicked awesome shot.

That’s all the time I have.  Enjoy the rest of the show featuring the singing group, I Love the Lakers and Can’t Name Three East Teams.

The past week was filled with juicy sports stories and terrible news for MLB.  Here's the Week That Was.

A) MLB  Mrs. Clemens, Debbie, has admitted to using HGH before a swimsuit photo shoot.  I wonder where McNamee injected her.  Maybe she took something orally instead.  I can't wait for the public disclosure.  Can Roger's denial about steroids and HGH be believed if he had his wife injected?  Goodbye first ballot Hall of Fame!  Sit next to Barry on the Group W bench, please.   Buh-bye.   Andy P. dropped a dime on Roger.  Here's a shot of the two preparing their testimony.  Add your own punch line. 

2) NBA Mavericks trade for Jason Kidd has hit a snag and it involves: The Early Bird Exception!  That's a legit collective bargaining clause.  It seems to be a two year qualifying event instead of three.  Whatever!  I could write the specifics, but that would involve math and stuff.  It's the weekend, thank you.  The deal can be salvaged by repackaging the contract of Christian Laetner, Keith Van Horn or some other dead dude: I can't remember which.

D) MLB Kevin Mench, AKA Shrek, has signed a minor league deal.  Rangers fans, both of em', immediately bought six game ticket packages.  Kevin is known for his large head, which still is tiny compared to the Bonds cranium.  Shrek's cap size is 8 point something.  The competition will be fierce for the extra outfielder position.  The Mench bobblehead was truly that.

If you picked up on the numbering for the first three items, you're a fan of quotes from Home Alone.

7) NBA  The Basketball Hall of Fame finalists include likely entrants: Adrian Dantley, Patrick Ewing, Hakeem Olajuwan, a couple coaches and some foreign dudes I don't know.  Look for a name player to get hosed in favor o####irl who played Iowa High School basketball and scored 20 per game. 

Q) NFL  Pats fans will be on the defensive as a former Rams player and fans have filed a $100,000, 000.00 dollar federal lawsuit.  Seems they believe the Pats pattern of cheating is racketeering.  Sic em'!    Related to this is the NFL revelation that the Pats taped Steeler defensive coaches during four games from 2001-2004, which included two AFC Championship games.  The Pats won three of the four.  Yikes!  More fodder for the flames?

Red) NBA  The All Star game is on today or tonight.  Of all the major sport All Star games, this is the best and I'm not watching this joke, either.  There's no defense and bad shooting.  It looks like a High School JV game with the hot dogging.  The hilight is Charles Barkley's mouth.  I hope Strahan retires from the NFL soon.  We need him in the booth.

3)  NASCAR  Left Turn fans rejoice over the beginning of the 2008 season.  Yes, the Daytona 500 is finally here.  "Right Turn Clyde."    I do have one suggestion to the France family.  Move the race to the week before the Super Bowl.  We have nothing to do that week.  The ratings would rule.  I'll tune into the in progress race shortly.  It's hard to choose who I cheer for.  I know I'd like to hang with Tony Stewart and b-smack Kurt Busch.  Good times.

R) Ammo was on sale this week, so I'm a happy camper.  

It's time for a song.  Let's sing it together to the tune of The Brady Bunch.

                  Makes you wonder?

Here's the story, of an alleged doper

Who was using steroids and HGH.

All of them had side effects, like no other,

The last one was little nuts.

Here's the story of a company named Balco,

Who was busy with new drugs of their own,

They were illegal drugs, working together,

Yet they were barely known.

Till one day when Barry met this Balco

And they knew it was much more than a hunch,

That this group would all dope up together.                            

That's the was they became the Balco Bonds Bunch.

The Balco Bonds Bunch.

That's  the way they all became the Balco Bonds Bunch.

The Balco Bonds Bunch.

(Apologies to Sherwood Schwartz)

Bonds when he arrived at San Francisco           Bonds soon after

Shoe:    10.5                                              
                13(yeah, right)

Jersey:   42                                                
                52(muscle only?)

Hat         7 1/8                                               
             7 1/2

Reality.  The MLB's negotiated drug policy has not allowed blood tests which would show HGH and designer steroids.  Wink, Wink!  

I don't want to hear anything about "no tests have shown Bonds to be a doper."

Leave that logic to Dr. Evil.    

 "Barry is our love child with my head!"      

 "Don't mess with my baby boy!   Scott, come massage Mommy's bunions!"                       

NY Yankees pitching is just plain bad.

Yankees pitcher, Chase Wright, gave up Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back homers on Saturday night.  Wright was called up from Double A to pitch.  He's been optioned back to Double A.  Boston is teary eyed  for the send down.  Beantowners dig the long ball!

Today, the Yankees have reactivated Chien Min Wang from the disabled list after a leg/groin injury.  Chien and his $500,000.00 salary are scheduled to pitch in Florida tonight.

The starting Yankee rotation does NOT include DL listers Mike Mussina or Carl Pavano, whose combined salary is $21,000,000.00    That's big money to those of us not in the AL East.

In a few weeks, the Annual Roger Clemens Buy Me For a Prorated $25,000,000.00 auction will begin.  Ability or not Clemens makes baseball look bad with his annual antics.  Complain that poor Roger's body won't let him pitch a whole season.  This is all about Roger doing his best AnnaNicole impression to put his name in every sportscast.   The annual act is old, like Roger.

The Yankees will be standing in line early to hand in their Clemens bid.  Having lost out on Dice K, the Yankees need pitching yesterday.  Clemens is a known commodity and Steinbrenner will bid and bid high.  Adding Clemens means Boston doesn't have him.  That's like adding two pitchers.  I suggest also buying Dontrelle Willis from Florida.   Dontrelle's current salary of $6,5000,000 is far less than Clemens'.  The Yankees will need to add a few years to the contract.   Pay the man and give the Marlins whatever they ask.   Offer Dontrelle's newborn guaranteed enrollment in an exclusive Manhattan pre-school to close the deal.

The Yankees were once known for their farm system and pitcher development.  The past years have shown the decline. 

Stay tuned for more on SportsCenter starting May 15@ 6am, 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am, etc.   The NYPost will update you daily.