I was beyotched at  because I wasn't watching Florida dismantle the overrated Tennessee squad this afternoon.

I'm watching the Ryder Cup and haven't cut away to College Football.  Sure, it seems like this golf event is made for TV, but it's an old school event that features the best of the best.

Viewers who only watched the Friday's last five holes of J.B. Holmes and Boo Weekley against the Euros got their moneys worth.  I love watching these red-necks go against the hoity-toity Euros.  Fist pumps and stare down are good television.

How can you not love a sports event where a commentator says, "That's not a good hole location for a hooker!"  Hey now.  That's gonna leave a mark.

The 2008 Ryder Cup is being played at Valhalla in Louisville.  I didn't mention the state, because if you don't know it's Kentucky, you shouldn't be on the WWW! 

The Ryder Cup is an every other year event played played since 1926.  It's U.S. vs. Euros.  The best of the best go head to head in multiple golf formats.  The event features 28 matches and 14.5 points wins the trophy.

Consider this the World Cup of golf.  Shots are amazing as the squads are filled with dudes who earned their place on the teams.  Time for another Natty Light.   George Bush senior is the U.S. ambassador for the Ryder Cup.  The matches are filled with galleries including celebrity golfer wanna-be former athletes.  I've seen MJ too many times this afternoon.  Ah yes, this is the only time you'll see smack talking and evil stares in golf with out someone named Woods.  Good Times!  College Football can wait till tonight.

(After the matches were final.

The U.S. won the competition.  Still, the viewers won due to fantastic shot making on drives, approaches and putts.  The Ryder Cup is distinct in its format since golf is not a team sport.  I feel I missed nothing by boycotting CFB and the NFL for part of Saturday and Sunday.)  We now resume football season.

We’ve survived a sports bonanza the past week, yet why do I feel worn out and annoyed by redundancy and unanticipated sleaze?  

1) The NFL Draft-Can this event go on any longer?  Thank God the league shortened the first round selection time from 15 minutes.  The number of talking heads who claim to know the draft order gives me headaches.  Who pays to hear from these guys?  Keyshawn Johnson giving advice to anyone is suspect, for the lack of a nasty word.  Here’s a hint networks, put a babe on the panel and the boys will watch.  Put them in bikinis and Parcells will watch.  Why the avalanche of pre-draft selection shows, followed by endless post-draft shows?  Can you say overkill?   Calgon take me away!  

2) Sean Avery of the NHL Rangers is such a turd that the league created a new rule because of him DURING the playoffs.  Avery was waving his stick in the goalie’s face, obstructing his view.  Avery also spent his quality time discussing the goalie’s ex-wife.  Classy guy, that Avery!  The unnamed goalie refused to shake Avery’s hand at the end of the series.  I salute him for that.  Media hacks immediately dissed the goalie for being a poor role model to kids.  Apparently the media didn’t watch the games, but phoned in the stories.  Bad media, bad media!  Get off the keyboard.  

Karma showed up and kicked Avery in the spleen following the game.  The mouthy child was hospitalized with a lacerated spleen and the blogging world wasn’t overly disappointed at his situation.  Complications to his surgery were reported today.  How do you lacerate a spleen without a switchblade!   In March, it was reported that Avery’s phone number was in a Manhattan Madam’s little black book.  I thought hockey dudes got all the chicks…they do, for $700 an hour, with the Spitzer discount!  I’m here all week, try the veal.  

3) UEFA Champions League-Bet you don’t care what that is.  I do. The cream of the European soccer crop plays an international tournament.  This year, the last teams standing are Chelsea (blue jersey) and Manchester United (red jersey).  (Color hints were for US fans.) This all English final will be played in Moscow.  What’s the over/under on arrests?  Do the fans have to bring their own handcuffs to the game?  What are hooligans like on holiday?  Wait till May 21 to find the match buried on your cable networks. This match shows that the Premier League is the bomb!

4) Roger Clemens-This pathetic drama makes me yearn for Barry Bond’s fat head.  Mindy McCready has not denied having a sexual relationship with Clemens when she was 15!  Isn’t that a criminal act?  Clemens can kiss off his Hall of Fame election now that the media has someone to zero in on that’s not named Bonds.  Since the facts eventually surface in the East River, we’ll learn just how sleazy Roger is, and if it’s anything like his attorney, Rusty, it’ll get ugly.   Mrs. Clemens did not return my calls, but her attorney did!  Ba-da-bing!  Call me Debbie!  

5) Jason Whitlock, a dude who gets paid to write sports articles, hates everyone with a keyboard that isn’t named Jason Whitlock.   Sorry Jason, the Sherman Anti-Trust Act guarantees the public the right to blog.  Go ahead, look it up.  The internet has changed the sports information game and some cry babies want to pick up their sandbox and go home.  This isn’t the 80’s Whitlock.  Everyone gets to play.  If you’re not nice, the public may notice that you don’t have game, just the same move where you juke to the far left and cry, ‘‘Skin color foul!”  Bring that one-on-one and I’ll feed you the ball for lunch.   The blogosphere deserves better.  

Personal Rant: 

6) I spent Thursday thru Sunday at the PGA Byron Nelson Classic.  This meant I missed most of the NFL draft.  Not really, the draft will be re-played till August kickoff.   The tourney used to be in May, followed by the Hogan in Fort Worth.  This gave PGA players the opportunity to park their butts in the metro area for two weeks.  The brain trust in the PGA office decided to hose over north Texas by splitting the tournaments and moving the Byron Nelson Classic to April.  Ok, that’s a personal rant and the brainiac commissioner adjusted the schedule for 2009.   In 2007, the course was in terrible shape and half the greens were dead and embalmed!  This year only one Top Ten player showed and it was the Masters champion.  The tournament skippers missed a fantastic new course, built by D.A. Weibring after the 2007 tournament.  Eldrick Woods wasn’t missed as the new course was the show.   Eldrick also avoids the Hogan because it’s a traditional course.  There’s not a known meaning for the name Eldrick.  I think it’s a convoluted Spanish name, el Drick, meaning: Born with a wicked awesome shot.

That’s all the time I have.  Enjoy the rest of the show featuring the singing group, I Love the Lakers and Can’t Name Three East Teams.

Here are some useful Golf Terms that are not yet clichés, but soon may be.

* A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
* A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
* A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
* An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
* An Adolf #### - two shots in the bunker
* A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
* A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
* A Rodney King - over-clubbed
* An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
* A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
* A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
* A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
* A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
* An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
* A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole

Ok, they're not my terms and this list is currently circulating in cyberspace.

Other than this, "I got nothing."  Still, I like the list.

My options were spitting out a quick blog or going to the mall.  I made the right choice.  

"Sir, I find this list to be lame, yet tasty."

                 ...Carl Spackler, Esquire 

    Save a dog, eat an NFL Quarterback.