Ok, it's time to rant about what pizisses me off again.
This should cover my 2-per month quota, set by my probation officer in Tijuana.
Now stop peeing on my rug!
NFL prognosticators-Shaddup! We all know that all 16 games matter, so these weekly talking heads are beyond annoying! Don't tell me you know what will happen unless you'll cover the vig with the bookie.
CFB Bowl Game Point Spreads - Once upon a time, in a year, long, long ago, I bet the entire NFL season and the CFB Bowl games. Thank god for the bowl games! I had a net gain of $40 after the entire year. Since that time, I've laid only ONE bet and won. It's not worth the stress and bank busting. The black jack tables in Oklahoma are more forgiving.
NFL Playoff Teams Without Winning Records - I mean you, San Diego Ahogas! When I'm king, no team without a winning record will advance to the playoffs. The next best wild card candidate advances. If no one else qualifies, tough, the conference plays seven playoff teams. Why in the H is Indy playing at San Diego this week! Shad's f'd up!
NFL Lazarus teams - I hate Philly, just because their unis aren't a real color. It's like someone milked a sick pine tree and shot up the color instead of heroin. This Vikes fan can't cheer for Philly this week, but it's still damn funny the way these unlovable lIggles losers rose from the dead and exalted their year busting tie!
The Rose Bowl's self-serving and joke title: The Grand Daddy of them all. Get beyond real. Raise your hand if you grew up fan of the Big Eight, SEC, Southwest or any other non-Rose Bowl conference. In my house, the Rose Bowl game meant it was time to take the Christmas Tree to the curb. We didn't watch the game. It was time for food and beer runs before the Orange Bowl. SEC fans have similar memories about the Sug'ah Bowl. The Rose Bowl has rarely mattered since 1975 and the creation of the BCS in 1998 meant the Rose Bowl was past tense. The only bowl that matters is the Big Dance between #s 1&2. The arrogance of the Rose Bowl is similar to Yankees fans' ego problems.
Game 16 for teams that already clinched their playoff berth and position - This drives my nuts. Every year, a great match up is hosed by a team that locked up its playoff berth. Yesterday, da G-men pulled starters in the third quarter. Minnesota barely tap danced into the playoffs. Yes, Chicago was b-slapped by the New Oilers, but still, it's total cr-ap to have a team pull starters.
Emmitt Smith in the booth - Please get this fool out of the booth. It's painful to listen to the chowderhead attempt to complete a sentence. Ready, "They be, he be, dey gots to...." How did he escape the great U of Florida without being able to speak a language? Oh! He played f'ball.
The NFL Network - This bunch of clowns has about eight games a year. After that, they replay weekly highlights and 1968 Packer tryout camp highlights. Calgon take me away.
Christmas and New Years during the week: Ok, it's time to get liberal with the calendar. Move Christmas and New Years to Friday! Ok, it won't happen, but going to the office on Friday really bites after a Thursday holiday.
Mizzou Tigers Football - What happened to these dudes. They started out like they'd challenge for the National Championship. Now, these unlovable chokers may give up their cherry to Northwestern. Isn't that an Ohio Juco?
The Big Ten Network - First, this conference can't count, so what credibility do they have here? The content is boring, since it's NOT my conference. I don't want to see a Michigan football game here in Big XII country. Ooh, Indiana is playing hoops at Wi-LaCrosse! This is a population base issue. The Big Ten+PennState has a big base. I challenge the SEC and Big XII to set up their own networks. The SEC can add cajun cooking shows and the Big XII can slip in painting shows by Bob Ross. I'll be glued to the tube.
NBA before spring - Ready? I don't care about the NBA till after the NFL is over. Really! There are 82 games, so I don't care till the playoffs are coming. Sure, some of you line up to give Kobe and LeBrick a reach around. That's your right. I just don't care till spring.
Fantasy Sports - You dudes and dudettes need to get a life. I don't get it or care and never will. It's like cricket. What's the point. What's next, fantasy soap operas? And to DragonMaster512, drop dead. I'm not joining your Dungeons&Dragons argument. Have you ever tried to kiss a girl or at least bought one a few drinks? Try it, you'll like it. Just make sure it's a girl. Beware the tuc-kunder!
Proof there is a God - The 11-5 Video Patriots didn't make the playoffs! Millions of fans are rejoicing. This is the second time an 11-5 team has been 'faced' by the playoffs. The other team to be hosed was Cleveland. Well, there's a joke there, but I'll leave that one alone.
That's it, next up is Lisa H to sing "USC is my life."
It's getting weird out there! Lies, drugs, arrests...and that's just cheerleaders.
Why sports is tanking in front of the fans:
1-A Cleveland Cavs dancer fell and hurt HIS face during a dance routine and it made national news. WTF! More alarming is that Cleveland has dude dancers. God will send locusts next.
2-Isiah "Zeke" Thomas appears to have accidentally overdosed on sleeping pills; when questioned, Zeke threw his daughter under the bus, stating medical attention at his home was a result of an 'event' at her school. The school denies any event occurred. The po-po chief has stated that Zeke is full of shard. We already knew that, chief.
3-At least EIGHT NFL players have failed drug tests in the most recent round. It seems that masking agents, known as diuretics / water pills, were used to hide the doping. Shocking! NFL players keep getting bigger, so the drugs must still be in 'em. Look for bunch of four-game suspensions and terrible news conferences called by sleazy lawyers. This will impact the playoff hunt.
4-No NBA players have been arrested this week. 24 hours left, guys!
5-Michael "dog-killer" Vick is attempting to plead guilty to state dog fighting charges. Why? To get an earlier release from jail. Huh? Don't the guilty get jail time? I suppose he wants to use concurrent sentencing and use his Get Out Of Jail Card because he's an ath-a-lete.
6-The Baylor Bears football team is actually good for terrible team.
7-USC vaulted up the BCS rankings, even though they took a beat down from Oregon State, an unranked team. What about the good unbeaten teams that were ranked lower? Bueller, Bueller?
8-Someone named Colt is the new media darling for the Heisman. What kind of parent gives a kid a dog's name? The Heisman favorite seems to change as the contending teams lose.
9-Fox writer Lisa Horne has not been heard from or seen in several days. This must mean sports no longer matter or exist. Then again, she could be in Anaheim, waiting for Los Angeles Angels MLB World Series tickets.
10-The NHL season began and the media doesn't know it.
I was beyotched at because I wasn't watching Florida dismantle the overrated Tennessee squad this afternoon.
I'm watching the Ryder Cup and haven't cut away to College Football. Sure, it seems like this golf event is made for TV, but it's an old school event that features the best of the best.
Viewers who only watched the Friday's last five holes of J.B. Holmes and Boo Weekley against the Euros got their moneys worth. I love watching these red-necks go against the hoity-toity Euros. Fist pumps and stare down are good television.
How can you not love a sports event where a commentator says, "That's not a good hole location for a hooker!" Hey now. That's gonna leave a mark.
The 2008 Ryder Cup is being played at Valhalla in Louisville. I didn't mention the state, because if you don't know it's Kentucky, you shouldn't be on the WWW!
The Ryder Cup is an every other year event played played since 1926. It's U.S. vs. Euros. The best of the best go head to head in multiple golf formats. The event features 28 matches and 14.5 points wins the trophy.
Consider this the World Cup of golf. Shots are amazing as the squads are filled with dudes who earned their place on the teams. Time for another Natty Light. George Bush senior is the U.S. ambassador for the Ryder Cup. The matches are filled with galleries including celebrity golfer wanna-be former athletes. I've seen MJ too many times this afternoon. Ah yes, this is the only time you'll see smack talking and evil stares in golf with out someone named Woods. Good Times! College Football can wait till tonight.
(After the matches were final.
The U.S. won the competition. Still, the viewers won due to fantastic shot making on drives, approaches and putts. The Ryder Cup is distinct in its format since golf is not a team sport. I feel I missed nothing by boycotting CFB and the NFL for part of Saturday and Sunday.) We now resume football season.
I can’t take it any more and needed to vent about what’s making me turn off the Olympics. Things driving me nuts are:
1) Bob Costas
If he says, “LIVE” again, I’ll puke. Someone on FoxSports has stated the same thing about Bobby! I think he’s the offspring of a frickin' gopher and locust. Every so often he shows up and annoys us. Thank God he doesn’t do NFL games.
2) Chinese Gymnasts
Olympic gymnasts must be 16 to participate. These kids still have baby teeth and Hello Kitty t-shirts. No one is fooled.
Who did their birth certificates, a Dominican baseball coach?
3) Olympic Beach Volleyball
There’s not enough of it! Do NOT show dudes again!
4) Gymnastic Judges
Apparently the East German and French figure skating judges are now doing women’s gymnastics.
Oh, if a competition isn’t head to head or against the clock, it’s an activity, not a sport. Judges are political tools.
5) NBC
The network is China’s lap dog. The show is an infomercial for the Red Menace. Nice hard hitting, personal interest stories about TEA make me puke. Point out the gulags built by the Russkies for Mao’s bad boys. Wanna buy a smog face mask? Whoops, can't show those either.
6) Chinese Olympic Committee/Politbureau
You may have noticed some strange things during the Opening Ceremonies. I did and screamed, “Bullshad!” immediately.
It seems the sneaks used computer generated graphics to phony up what you saw on the screen. To make it worse, some politicians decided that the little kid scheduled to sing a song wasn’t cute enough! They pulled a Milli Vanilli and had a better looking kid lip synch. Seems the US is having an influence on China!
7) Medal Trackers
I don’t see this as country by country competition. Some countries are better at given activities. That’s the way it is.
I watch to see the best, especially without corrupt judges deciding results in advance.
8) Russia
Nice timing there, Putin. You invaded Georgia, during the Opening Ceremonies. You’ve been busted for killing journalists and attempting to kill heads of state. The Hague should be in your future. (Left wing liberal pukes need not add their anti-Bush slants.)
9) Not enough hottie shots
I keep seeing writeups about all the cheer squads(code for babes) at sports venues. Hey NBC, where are these lovelies. Since Ana Ivanovic withdrew, the hotness factor has dropped.
10) Brett Favre
Why him? It took the Olympics to move this drama queen off the hourly sports intro. Stop the tabloid reporting. I don’t need made up items reported as fact. Now, where are those cheerleaders?
Bonus
11) The US Olympic Committee
Mark Spitz was hosed by the USOC. Instead of bringing Spitz over for the games, we're forced to hear the announcer insert a Spitz comment into every sentence containing Michael Phelps. This was handled poorly, which isn't a shock. Maybe the Chinese can use some more CGI to drop Spitz into the crowd!
Anna Kournikova: My favorite Sports Illustrated issue just arrived: Where Are They Now. This issue revisits the lives of a dozen or so former athletes. The swimsuit issue is in second place, thank you.
The cover shot includes a small teaser shot of Anna Kournikova. Yeah, baby.
Like most men receiving the mag, I thumbed directly to the Anna Kournikova article. Holy Schneike, she's just becoming beautiful.
Is she hotter on page 112 in the white dress she'll wear at our wedding or on page 116 in the ballerina tennis outfit she'll wear around the house? It's a tough call.
No image to post because I don't want Time Warner suing me, thank you!
This means Ana Ivanovic will be gorgeous near 2015.
“We’ve got food, yes we do, we’ve go too much food, how about you!”
With world starvation, the Chinese government propping up a holocaust inducing Sudanese government and the NY Yankees going to h-ell, we have competitive eating on center stage...and I watched it all, scotch in hand and Cope in mouth. Why, because I can and it’s July 4th! This spectacle should make commies think twice about their governments.
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This one hour television event was like a Triple Crown race, 50 minutes of hype and speculation, followed by a quick race. The difference is that at Nathan's the contestants may pukeduring the contest. Woof Cookies results in a DQ. It's bad for the contestant, yet great television on the 4-letter sports network’s first channel. The color commentators gave us background on the eaters, like they’re important World Series of Poker players. I love this stuff! What do people in other countries think about this television garbage? “Eater xxx is an impressive force, but you still go against the clock.” Say what! The Brooklyn beach shots showed plenty of natives to be inhaling unhealthy levels of food, too. Thanks for the visual on that one.
As competitive eating fans know, in 2007 Kobayashi had arthritic jaw injury, which allegedly hamper the defense of his Six Time record. Analysts thought it to be a ruse, which it was. Kobayashi showed up at the last minute, intending to play mind games with Joey Chestnut, his heir apparent. How does one end up with an arthritic jaw at an early age? (Insert adult joke here.)
This is a spectacle to watch reasonably small dudes compete in an eating contest. There’s actually a competitive circuit for this ####! A video game is available, too!
Joey Chestnut - American Idol
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We now go to the event:
The ten minute event began with the crowd countdown. The record of 66 hot dogs must go down and go down hard.
2008 included a rule change! GASP!!!! The Nathan's crew researched the event going back to WWI, when the contest lasted ONLY TEN MINUTES. The 2008 event is now TEN minutes, not 12. “Man, this screws up my smush and inhale strategy, dude. I’m gonna sue.”
Kobayashi started out slow and as Chestnut leapt ahead by a few dogs. At the six minute mark, Kobayashi closed the gap as this horse race continued neck and neck. No one else was close. At seven minutes, Chestnut began to struggle with the puke reflex. With one minute remaining, Kobayashi pulled ahead by three dogs. This is going to a photo puking finish as both hit 59 dogs!
It’s declared a TIE! A five dog eat-off will determine the winner and the future of the free universe! The first to eat the five is the winner. The judges have difficult decisions and we need video replay. Chestnut wins with a photo finish! The world remains free.
(My opinion - I could not see that Mr. Chestnut had shoved in all 5 overtime hot dogs any more than Mr. Kobayashi. This should have gone to Penalty Hot Dogs.)
I’m buying my “Joey Chestnut Swallows” t-shirt a.s.a.p.!
I feel like throwing up after watching this schadenfreude event.
The hungry world weeps in silent protest...again!
Ok, I fudged a bit an used my 2007 write up on the same contest as framework for this blog.
Sunday's U.S. Open ended with a tie between Woods and Rocco.
"Yayyyy! We have a Sudden Death Playoff, right now!"
Not so fast, young Jedi. The U.S. Open settles ties with an 18 hole playoff the following day.
"What the F! You mean I played hookey from the office on Thursday and Friday, becoming emotionally invested in this garbage, only to have my heart ripped out! I have to go to work Monday! I can't watch it!"
That's right. You were hosed by the PGA and whoever is in charge of the U.S. Open.
"Wait, that means only hippies, bumbs and 12 year olds will be watching tomorrow! The Q-ratings should be lower than 'Kobe sings Tupac's hits.' What a waste of my heart strings."
That's right. You'll be stuck on conference calls catching up on what you missed Thursday and Friday!
"This is not right!"
Tough, I told you that the Masters was the real tournament and all other Majors were second class! At least the British Open features a great accent and grainy tv.
"I know, I should have listened to you, but I was watching a Danica Patrick promo and lost track. She's hot compared to those dude drivers."
So is your mother!
Don't worry. Tiger will win because David Stern's posse has arranged for Rocco to dump shots short and right tomorrow. Golf is rigged too!
The past week was filled with juicy sports stories and terrible news for MLB. Here's the Week That Was.
A) MLB Mrs. Clemens, Debbie, has admitted to using HGH before a swimsuit photo shoot. I wonder where McNamee injected her. Maybe she took something orally instead. I can't wait for the public disclosure. Can Roger's denial about steroids and HGH be believed if he had his wife injected? Goodbye first ballot Hall of Fame! Sit next to Barry on the Group W bench, please. Buh-bye. Andy P. dropped a dime on Roger. Here's a shot of the two preparing their testimony. Add your own punch line.
2) NBA Mavericks trade for Jason Kidd has hit a snag and it involves: The Early Bird Exception! That's a legit collective bargaining clause. It seems to be a two year qualifying event instead of three. Whatever! I could write the specifics, but that would involve math and stuff. It's the weekend, thank you. The deal can be salvaged by repackaging the contract of Christian Laetner, Keith Van Horn or some other dead dude: I can't remember which.
D) MLB Kevin Mench, AKA Shrek, has signed a minor league deal. Rangers fans, both of em', immediately bought six game ticket packages. Kevin is known for his large head, which still is tiny compared to the Bonds cranium. Shrek's cap size is 8 point something. The competition will be fierce for the extra outfielder position. The Mench bobblehead was truly that.
If you picked up on the numbering for the first three items, you're a fan of quotes from Home Alone.
7) NBA The Basketball Hall of Fame finalists include likely entrants: Adrian Dantley, Patrick Ewing, Hakeem Olajuwan, a couple coaches and some foreign dudes I don't know. Look for a name player to get hosed in favor o####irl who played Iowa High School basketball and scored 20 per game.
Q) NFL Pats fans will be on the defensive as a former Rams player and fans have filed a $100,000, 000.00 dollar federal lawsuit. Seems they believe the Pats pattern of cheating is racketeering. Sic em'! Related to this is the NFL revelation that the Pats taped Steeler defensive coaches during four games from 2001-2004, which included two AFC Championship games. The Pats won three of the four. Yikes! More fodder for the flames?
Red) NBA The All Star game is on today or tonight. Of all the major sport All Star games, this is the best and I'm not watching this joke, either. There's no defense and bad shooting. It looks like a High School JV game with the hot dogging. The hilight is Charles Barkley's mouth. I hope Strahan retires from the NFL soon. We need him in the booth.
3) NASCAR Left Turn fans rejoice over the beginning of the 2008 season. Yes, the Daytona 500 is finally here. "Right Turn Clyde." I do have one suggestion to the France family. Move the race to the week before the Super Bowl. We have nothing to do that week. The ratings would rule. I'll tune into the in progress race shortly. It's hard to choose who I cheer for. I know I'd like to hang with Tony Stewart and b-smack Kurt Busch. Good times.
R) Ammo was on sale this week, so I'm a happy camper.
In an attempt to round my world sports knowledge, I've been following the 2007 Rugby World Cup, held mainly in France. The players are as tough as NFL and NHL players. Many love this sport more than soccer. Las Vegas had France as a huge favorite. This is like Stanford knocking off USC as a +40 underdog. (I prefer rugby, since it's like U.S. football.)
The problem with the written match highlights is translating the information from British English into American English.
(What was written)
The kick-off was knocked on by the French, leading to a scrum. It collapsed. Andy Gomarsall took the free kick quickly, chipping it down to the corner. The ball bounced away from the groping Damien Traille and into the hands of the onrushing Josh Lewsey. The English winger crashed over the French fullback and the line. It was the only try of the match. (New York Times Online - International Herald Tribune 10/13)
"SAY WHAT! What you talking about Willis!"
Translated:
On a free kick, the French player misjudged the live ball and let it bounce at his own two yard line. The Brit grabbed the live ball, right in front of the Frenchie, who slid past the bouncing ball. The Brit smashed into Frenchie as they fell over the goal line. This was the only touchdown of the day, as field goals prevailed. Final score: 14-9. The touchdown will be shown forever on FoxSports and ESPN Sports Bloopers. Chris Berman will do the sound effects.
"I demand a rematch or it will be war!"
In back to back Rugby World Cups, France has beaten powerful New Zealand, only to lose its next match to a weaker opponent.
These guys are good. By rule, tackles must be made by wrapping up an opponent. There are no shoe-string tackles, helmets or shoulder pads.
Nothing has been mentioned about cups. Ouch!
Following the match, all had tea as England and all of the U.K. celebrated.
Statistics are a dangerous when handled by zealots.
I believe Burnt Orange isn't a color, it's a disease.
The DH rule should be elimintated.
I like cats and dogs...cats taste more like chicken.
Women are god's greatest creation.
Barry Bonds was detrimental to sports.
The month after the Super Bowl is sports HELL.
March Madness is the best elongated sports extravaganza.
The Masters is great watching, in spite of Jim 'nancy boy' Nantz.
Anyone spouting political commentary should be barred from this site.
This is a sports blog!
I need a soma.
"I demand a rematch or it will be war!"
These guys are good. By rule, tackles must be made by wrapping up an opponent. There are no shoe-string tackles, helmets or shoulder pads. 
