Ok, it's time to rant about what pizisses me off again.
This should cover my 2-per month quota, set by my probation officer in Tijuana.
Now stop peeing on my rug!
NFL prognosticators-Shaddup! We all know that all 16 games matter, so these weekly talking heads are beyond annoying! Don't tell me you know what will happen unless you'll cover the vig with the bookie.
CFB Bowl Game Point Spreads - Once upon a time, in a year, long, long ago, I bet the entire NFL season and the CFB Bowl games. Thank god for the bowl games! I had a net gain of $40 after the entire year. Since that time, I've laid only ONE bet and won. It's not worth the stress and bank busting. The black jack tables in Oklahoma are more forgiving.
NFL Playoff Teams Without Winning Records - I mean you, San Diego Ahogas! When I'm king, no team without a winning record will advance to the playoffs. The next best wild card candidate advances. If no one else qualifies, tough, the conference plays seven playoff teams. Why in the H is Indy playing at San Diego this week! Shad's f'd up!
NFL Lazarus teams - I hate Philly, just because their unis aren't a real color. It's like someone milked a sick pine tree and shot up the color instead of heroin. This Vikes fan can't cheer for Philly this week, but it's still damn funny the way these unlovable lIggles losers rose from the dead and exalted their year busting tie!
The Rose Bowl's self-serving and joke title: The Grand Daddy of them all. Get beyond real. Raise your hand if you grew up fan of the Big Eight, SEC, Southwest or any other non-Rose Bowl conference. In my house, the Rose Bowl game meant it was time to take the Christmas Tree to the curb. We didn't watch the game. It was time for food and beer runs before the Orange Bowl. SEC fans have similar memories about the Sug'ah Bowl. The Rose Bowl has rarely mattered since 1975 and the creation of the BCS in 1998 meant the Rose Bowl was past tense. The only bowl that matters is the Big Dance between #s 1&2. The arrogance of the Rose Bowl is similar to Yankees fans' ego problems.
Game 16 for teams that already clinched their playoff berth and position - This drives my nuts. Every year, a great match up is hosed by a team that locked up its playoff berth. Yesterday, da G-men pulled starters in the third quarter. Minnesota barely tap danced into the playoffs. Yes, Chicago was b-slapped by the New Oilers, but still, it's total cr-ap to have a team pull starters.
Emmitt Smith in the booth - Please get this fool out of the booth. It's painful to listen to the chowderhead attempt to complete a sentence. Ready, "They be, he be, dey gots to...." How did he escape the great U of Florida without being able to speak a language? Oh! He played f'ball.
The NFL Network - This bunch of clowns has about eight games a year. After that, they replay weekly highlights and 1968 Packer tryout camp highlights. Calgon take me away.
Christmas and New Years during the week: Ok, it's time to get liberal with the calendar. Move Christmas and New Years to Friday! Ok, it won't happen, but going to the office on Friday really bites after a Thursday holiday.
Mizzou Tigers Football - What happened to these dudes. They started out like they'd challenge for the National Championship. Now, these unlovable chokers may give up their cherry to Northwestern. Isn't that an Ohio Juco?
The Big Ten Network - First, this conference can't count, so what credibility do they have here? The content is boring, since it's NOT my conference. I don't want to see a Michigan football game here in Big XII country. Ooh, Indiana is playing hoops at Wi-LaCrosse! This is a population base issue. The Big Ten+PennState has a big base. I challenge the SEC and Big XII to set up their own networks. The SEC can add cajun cooking shows and the Big XII can slip in painting shows by Bob Ross. I'll be glued to the tube.
NBA before spring - Ready? I don't care about the NBA till after the NFL is over. Really! There are 82 games, so I don't care till the playoffs are coming. Sure, some of you line up to give Kobe and LeBrick a reach around. That's your right. I just don't care till spring.
Fantasy Sports - You dudes and dudettes need to get a life. I don't get it or care and never will. It's like cricket. What's the point. What's next, fantasy soap operas? And to DragonMaster512, drop dead. I'm not joining your Dungeons&Dragons argument. Have you ever tried to kiss a girl or at least bought one a few drinks? Try it, you'll like it. Just make sure it's a girl. Beware the tuc-kunder!
Proof there is a God - The 11-5 Video Patriots didn't make the playoffs! Millions of fans are rejoicing. This is the second time an 11-5 team has been 'faced' by the playoffs. The other team to be hosed was Cleveland. Well, there's a joke there, but I'll leave that one alone.
That's it, next up is Lisa H to sing "USC is my life."
Ok kids, it's the most wonderful time of the year...inspired by Andy Rooney.
The BCS is a mess and the NFL playoff picture is clear as mud. Welcome to my favorite time in football.
The Heisman Trophy is still up for grabs; all we hear of are players from Top Ten teams. Find someone else this year, please. Media pundits name the QB of the most recent big Saturday night game as the front runner.
Tom Brady will play for team XXX in 2009. What a terrible thing to have two Pro-Bowl caliber Qbs! Remember how Brady got his current NFL gig. Franchise tag anyone? "Gee kid, we're slapping the franchise tag on you and guaranteeing you $14million. Hope you're not upset."
The NFC North is its usual cauldron of stewed pieces and parts. No team has stepped up, except for Detroit who took a step back the first game of the season. Buh-Bye Lions. Even your Thanksgiving game is a terrible thing to watch. Put the "L" in the book against the Titans now.
Donovan McNabb will play for the Vikes or whom next year? His +$10million salary in 2009 probably says he's gone after the past two years of bad team play. The same happened to Culpepper, yet people cry how McN is being disrespected. Please disrespect me for that kind of money.
Texas and Oklahoma have the pleasure of waiting for the Big XII Championship Game berth. If tied, the highest BCS ranked team advances. After OU's slaughter of TxTech, it's up in the air with the computers making the decision here. In north Texas, plenty of families are cross-bred with Okies and Texas fans. That should make for some fun Thanksgiving meals and a few shootings. Look for the coaches to do their own lobbying. If OU looks good against Okie State, I bet OU will advance.
T.O. is happy. How couldn't he be after he played a private track meet gig against the Niners.
In Indianapolis, a 14 year old girl wants to play baseball, yet the Indy high school officials say the rules prohibit her from playing since softball is available. Let her play. Then again, any time boys want to play field hockey or any other sport on the girl's play list, the guys get to play.
Emmitt Smith is beyond painful to listen to from the ESPN booth. How did he escape college or the great U of F without a basic understanding of the word, 'be.' "They be, he be, they gots to..." AHHHHHHH!!!
Lendale White's(TN Titans) internal punk showed during a post-game interview and whining session about carries. The best part was how he was playing with his earrings during most of the idiotic discussion. This kept popping into my mind. "Coach treats us like men and lets us wear earrings." Well, that and did the USC alumni buy the earrings?
Bama and Florida,conqueror of The Citadel, will play for the BCS berth. Why haven't we been seeing Bama games this year? Whassupwidtdat?
Notre Dame lost to a team without a head coach. (Insert joke here.) Ok, it's not cool to make fun of the footballically challenged teams.
The NBA has had no high profile arrests this season. This makes me wonder, knowing the past police blotter activity.
Bill Snyder has agreed to come out of retirement to coach the mighty Kansas State f'ball team. Bill who, you say? This guy turned around one of the worst football programs, retired and got bored. Joe Pa told him he'd be bored at 69. The dude has a stadium and highway named after him and still he can't stay away. Two words Bill...Las Vegas!
Joe Paterno is going to have hip surgery. The words "hip" and "Paterno" shouldn't be in the same paragraph, unless it's about surgery.
I just saw Suzy Kolber, of ESPN, on HDTV. That makeover intervention paid off! If Joe Namath could only get her alone again.
Mark Mangino, coach of Kansas f'ball, is still wider than my HDTV wide screen!
That's my time. Lisa H is up next and will sing "Born To Be Alive" with Patrick Hernandez.
An Ode to the backup QB, most of which stink it up because they're out of step and don't get reps in practice: Apologies to Cheech and Chong!
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the starting QB bonds which have connected them with another receiver, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of bloggers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation from the rest of the division.
(If you don't know the source obtuse paragraph , please don't vote in November.)
Start singing now...
Backup QB Jones, I got Backup QB Jones Got Backup Jones, oh baby, oo-oo-oo
Yes, I am the victim of a Backup QB Jones Ever since I was a little baby, I always be throwing behind the receiver In fac', I was de passer in the whole neighborhood Then one day, my mama bought me a football And I loved that football I took that football with me everywhere I went That football was like a football to me
I even put that football underneath my pillow Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night I need help, ladies and gentlemens I need someone to stand beside me I need, I need someone to set a screen for me at the line of life Someone I can pass to Someone to hit the open man on the hook and ladder And not end up in the popcorn machine So cheerleaders, help me out
{cheerleaders sing repeatedly...} (football Jones, I got a football Jones) (I got a football Jones, oh baby, oo-oo-ooo)
{while Tyrone Shoelaces sings/speaks...} Oh, that sounds so sweet Sing it out C'mon Coach Booty, Red Blazer, sing along with me That be bad, h-onky Yeah I want everybody in the whole stadium to stand up and sing with us Oh yeah, sing it out like you're proud All right, everybody watchin' coast-to-coast, sing along with us Tony Romo, sing along with us Jerry Jones, sing along with us JokersWild, don't sing nothin'
Oh, it feels so good Gimme the ball I'll go down the field, against the world, left-handed I could force it from the pocket with my toes I could jump on top of the pocket, take off a quarter, leave fifteen cents change I could, I could pitch behind my back I got more moves than Ex-Lax I'm bad I could pass with my tongue Here I go down the field, try to stop me You can't stop me 'cause I got a football Jones Here I come That's shovel pass with my eyebrow Yeah, I could dunk it with my nose I'm, I'm bad as King Kong, gimme the ball I'm hot, I'm hot as..., I'm hot as..., I'm hot as... uh Uh, uh, uh, uh...
Any team losing their starting QB will break the fans' hearts. Rarely does a backup step in and succeed. The few that do soon have a hot, model/actress girlfriend who's jumping on the bandwagon and new starter.
Get out your forks, the Cowboys are slow cooking and will be served with a nice brownsugar based barbeque sauce.
Next up, Lisa H and the the USC Song Girls will lead us in "I got a pinkie for sale" to the tune of the Talking Heads - "I got love for sale."
As we type, another network is pushing a segment on Title Town. Ok, them is fighting words, Vern. This is as stupid as claiming which NCAA football conference is the best. Several conferences need to travel TO bowl games instead of playing at home stadiums before the masses will offer total respect. Remember the four-letter network's terrible "Who's Now" segment last year? I'm still hosing down the living room to remove the stench. This is more of the same refuse.
No city owns the Title Town moniker and plenty of fine citizens will offer to fight over the name.
Green Bay was ONCE known by that name; it's lame to make a claim to a name that has applied only ONCE since the late 1960's. Let it go, Green Bay. Be happy you still have an NFL franchise. Los Angeles will be sniffing for an NFL team in a few years.
Please feel free to toss replies with team/franchise nicknames that really piziss you off. Yes, I live in DFW; I grew up despising the Cowboys, since Pearson pushed off on the Hail Mary pass against my beloved Vikes!
What franchise do you hate and why? Here are the leading contenders.
NFL-
America's Team! That was a name created for a NFL FILMS video. Tex Schramm and his Cowboys cronies jumped on it and the flea bag media and fans kept it going. Hey! Every sport needs a Dr. Evil franchise for everyone else to hate. Philly fans should be happy it's not them the rest of the leagues hates and is jealous of, too.
In the 80's the SuperStation, TBS, a Turner commodity, attempted to bogart the name, America's Team, for the Braves. Didn't work, did it. How can a team from a city that can't build a freeway to loop the city be hated? Well, unless Ray Lewis has a weapon, I'm not worried!
The New England Pats are rising on the hate charts, courtesy of the video camera and three, lame three point SuperBowl wins(?).
MLB-
The prissy Yankees and their astronomical payroll win in an uncontested match. How can we not hate the Yankees! It's as easy as ' A squared + B squared = C squared.' The highest payroll in the western hemisphere can't buy titles any more. I love it. Red Sox fans, quit your crying. You're the second most hated franchise in MLB, since your 'Johnny come lately' fans have a huge sense of entitlement. Go back to worshipping Dennis Leary, please. Anyone know who's the daddy of A-Rod's kids?
NHL-
Let's face it, Detroit is the bomb. This is the Title Town of the NHL. I respect the pizza franchise dictator's running of the Red Wings. This only leaves teams with dirty players and that leaves Sean Avery, dirtbag-turd. The NHL created a rule, during the playoffs because of this swine. Wait, he just signed with the Stars. Whoops! I'm not impartial any more. Fans are more jealous of the Red Wings than anything else.
NBA-
That's beyond easy, since Kindergarten kids hate the Lakers. There's nothing more to say. At least the Police Blotter has not included Lakers lately.
Here we are after a full season of NFL football. The playoffs are over and we now have the most exciting possible matchup of the New England Patriots vs. What the $%&@!
This is a great matchup if you're a Patriots fan or extreme optimist from the Meadowlands, NJ. How did this happen to us.
I'm setting the over/under on "that's why they play the game" cliches at three per half hour preview show.
The big winner today was New England. They may will finally win a Super Bowl by more than three points. I imagine an opening Vegas Line of 14 points. I'll be watching the Super Bowl for the commercials again. Tabasco may have something new. I loved that mosquito going up in flames. Monster will waste millions on a bad ad. That's always amusing.
The network has to love this captive television audience matchup. Yawn!
Hey, who wants to take up bowling, crochet or maybe go skeet shooting for the next two weeks? We don't have to spend our time arguing about the Super Bowl.
Goliath must go down and he must go down hard! Go Giants!
I love those Budweiser clydesdales. We could talk about what commercials Bud and Pepsi should do. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This is so wrong. I'll be watching the Fox Soccer Channel soon.
Below: Sports reporters and Bloggers react to the Super Bowl matchup. Oh the humanity.
Darth Vader – “So Jerry, how did you abscond with the funds to finance the new Death StarIII Cowboys Stadium?”
(both have amazing fire power)
Jerry Jones – “Well, you see, the first thing I did was make Dallas think I’d consider building it in their city. The location offered was a dump without future building potential. You couldn’t park your Imperial Cruiser without getting jacked! Then I let everyone blame the Dallas mayor for not getting the new stadium. She didn’t have the authority to negotiate anyway. I cut a deal with Arlington in 3 parsecs.”
Darth – “Ingenious, Jerry, you put the blame on Mayor Miller. That Dallas City Council has the personality of Jawas and the negotiating skills of Tusken Raiders!
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
This is of great importance to me!”
"How did you fund the Death StarIII!"
Jerry – “It was easy! The city of Arlington was the only municipality with an optional penny tax available. The citizens will cough up the coin, er, credits to build a third of the stadium. It’ll be paid off in 25 years.”
Darth – “Jerry, that leaves you on the hook for 650,000,000 credits. The Imperial Senate won’t let me build anything these days. How are you funding the 650,000,000?”
Jerry – “Personal Seat Licenses(PSL), $10 beer and excessive parking charges.”
Darth Vader – “PSL?”
Jerry – “Remember when you charged Imperial Senate members to watch you blow up Alderon?”
Darth – “Oh yes, that was fun. I could not believe those bureaucrats would pay! Ha-ha-ha! They were dumber than Tattooine moisture farmers.”
Jerry – “Well, this is even better. I charge people for the right to buy a ticket in the future! It’s a better scam than when I was selling oil prospecting in Arkansas.
I stole the Cotton Bowl from Dallas, too. We’ll have the greatest venue in the nation of Texas. Tractor pulls, Bowl games, Mary K, adult entertainment conventions, etc.”
Darth – “Snap out of it Jerry! We’re here to discuss business. I admit, you are a genius. I must try this in the future!
Jerry, what is the difference between a stripper and a Mary K representative?”
Jerry – “3 pounds of makeup and 20 years!”
Darth – “Ha-ha-ha-he-he-he. Good one Jerry. Back to business! I’m starting to feel mortal and I do not have a successor. My Lord, Emperor Palpatine is long gone and my son has rejected me. I need your ideas on a succession plan.”
Jerry – Can’t help you there, buddy! My son, Steven, is as worthless as t-its on a boar hog! He’s got his mama’s big hair, too. Maybe we can cross train each other. You’d love owning a sports team and hosing over the fans! Just stay away from the English Premiere League! Those people are crazy. The South American fans will burn down their own stadium. Hey! I’d love to take a light saber to that twit, Daniel Snyder. I’m in, good buddy.
Darth – “Yes, this sounds promising. I could see myself owning the Cubs. I’d only play night games and uniforms will be an all black reflective composite. That would rid me of the hippies in the crowd. Those daytime fans are as worthless as a hairless Wookie. The fans must have credits to overpay for merchandise.”
Jerry – “Then it’s settled, we’ll meet every year to discuss our universe/sports takeover plans. We'll overthrow Emperor Goddell by then.”
Darth – “Don’t tell Cuban of this.
His haircut scares me.”
Darth walks away singing…”Aint’ no party like a Death Star party, cuz a Death Star party don’t stop. So when you see a young storm trooper in a Death Star flippin’ switches, you gotta give the trooper his props…..”
Jerry World and the Dallas Cowboys won the 2011 SuperBowl hosting bid.
How could anyone with the general information be surprised!
The three finalists were Arizona, Indianapolis and Jerry Worlds' Cowboys.
How did the Cowboys win the bid?
It was simple, the other two finalists were easy to disqualify in comparison!
1-Arizona hosts the 2008 SuperBowl and can be eliminated.
2-The new Indy stadium holds 63,000 and Jerry World seats 95,000, with room to shoehorn in another 7,000 easily, as Standing Room Only. Jerry World will put an additional $25,000,000 into the hands of the NFL from ticket sales alone(assuming tickets have jumped to $800).
The Jerry Jones has set the bar very high for SuperBowls of the future. Unless the host stadium is extremely large, don't let your local NFL franchise bid on the game.
Indy can kiss off any future SuperBowl bids with that small stadium.
The SuperBowl is about money, lots of money.
The new Cowboys stadium was the only choice of the three finalists. The vote was just for show and should be acknowledged as such.
Disclaimer: The poster is NOT a Cowboys fan, yet has learned to tolerate the team and fans.
Statistics are a dangerous when handled by zealots.
I believe Burnt Orange isn't a color, it's a disease.
The DH rule should be elimintated.
I like cats and dogs...cats taste more like chicken.
Women are god's greatest creation.
Barry Bonds was detrimental to sports.
The month after the Super Bowl is sports HELL.
March Madness is the best elongated sports extravaganza.
The Masters is great watching, in spite of Jim 'nancy boy' Nantz.
Anyone spouting political commentary should be barred from this site.
This is a sports blog!
I need a soma.
Hey, who wants to take up bowling, crochet or maybe go skeet shooting for the next two weeks? We don't have to spend our time arguing about the Super Bowl.
Save a dog, eat an NFL Quarterback.
