Ok, it's time to rant about what pizisses me off again.

This should cover my 2-per month quota, set by my probation officer in Tijuana.

Now stop peeing on my rug!

NFL prognosticators-Shaddup!  We all know that all 16 games matter, so these weekly talking heads are beyond annoying!  Don't tell me  you know what will happen unless you'll cover the vig with the bookie.

CFB Bowl Game Point Spreads - Once upon a time, in a year, long, long ago, I bet the entire NFL season and the CFB Bowl games.  Thank god for the bowl games!  I had a net gain of $40 after the entire year.  Since that time, I've laid only ONE bet and won.  It's not worth the stress and bank busting.  The black jack tables in Oklahoma are more forgiving.

NFL Playoff Teams Without Winning Records - I mean you, San Diego Ahogas!  When I'm king, no team without a winning record will advance to the playoffs.  The next best wild card candidate advances.  If no one else qualifies, tough, the conference plays seven playoff teams.  Why in the H is Indy playing at San Diego this week!  Shad's f'd up!

NFL Lazarus teams - I hate Philly, just because their unis aren't a real color.  It's like someone milked a sick pine tree and shot up the color instead of heroin.  This Vikes fan can't cheer for Philly this week, but it's still damn funny the way these unlovable lIggles losers rose from the dead and exalted their year busting tie!

The Rose Bowl's self-serving and joke title: The Grand Daddy of them all.  Get beyond real.  Raise your hand if you grew up fan of the Big Eight, SEC, Southwest or any other non-Rose Bowl conference.  In my house, the Rose Bowl game meant it was time to take the Christmas Tree to the curb.  We didn't watch the game.  It was time for food and beer runs before the Orange Bowl.  SEC fans have similar memories about the Sug'ah Bowl.  The Rose Bowl has rarely mattered since 1975 and the creation of the BCS in 1998 meant the Rose Bowl was past tense.  The only bowl that matters is the Big Dance between #s 1&2.  The arrogance of the Rose Bowl is similar to Yankees fans' ego problems.

Game 16 for teams that already clinched their playoff berth and position - This drives my nuts.  Every year, a great match up is hosed by a team that locked up its playoff berth.  Yesterday, da G-men pulled starters in the third quarter.  Minnesota barely tap danced into the playoffs.  Yes, Chicago was b-slapped by the New Oilers, but still, it's total cr-ap to have a team pull starters.

Emmitt Smith in the booth - Please get this fool out of the booth.  It's painful to listen to the chowderhead attempt to complete a sentence.  Ready, "They be, he be, dey gots to...."  How did he escape the great U of Florida without being able to speak a language?  Oh!  He played f'ball.

The NFL Network - This bunch of clowns has about eight games a year.  After that, they replay weekly highlights and 1968 Packer tryout camp highlights.  Calgon take me away.

Christmas and New Years during the week:  Ok, it's time to get liberal with the calendar.  Move Christmas and New Years to Friday!  Ok, it won't happen, but going to the office on Friday really bites after a Thursday holiday.

Mizzou Tigers Football - What happened to these dudes.  They started out like they'd challenge for the National Championship.  Now, these unlovable chokers may give up their cherry to Northwestern.  Isn't that an Ohio Juco?

The Big Ten Network - First, this conference can't count, so what credibility do they have here?  The content is boring, since it's NOT my conference.  I don't want to see a Michigan football game here in Big XII country. Ooh, Indiana is playing hoops at Wi-LaCrosse! This is a population base issue.  The Big Ten+PennState has a big base.  I challenge the SEC and Big XII to set up their own networks.  The SEC can add cajun cooking shows and the Big XII can slip in painting shows by Bob Ross.  I'll be glued to the tube.

NBA before spring - Ready?  I don't care about the NBA till after the NFL is over.  Really!  There are 82 games, so I don't care till the playoffs are coming.  Sure, some of you line up to give Kobe and LeBrick a reach around.  That's your right.  I just don't care till spring.

Fantasy Sports - You dudes and dudettes need to get a life.  I don't get it or care and never will.  It's like cricket.  What's the point.  What's next, fantasy soap operas?   And to DragonMaster512, drop dead.  I'm not joining your Dungeons&Dragons argument.  Have you ever tried to kiss a girl or at least bought one a few drinks?  Try it, you'll like it.  Just make sure it's a girl.  Beware the tuc-kunder!

Proof there is a God -  The 11-5 Video Patriots didn't make the playoffs!  Millions of fans are rejoicing.  This is the second time an 11-5 team has been 'faced' by the playoffs.  The other team to be hosed was Cleveland.  Well, there's a joke there, but I'll leave that one alone.

That's it, next up is Lisa H to sing "USC is my life."

Tip your servers and drive home safely.

Ok kids, it's the most wonderful time of the year...inspired by Andy Rooney.

The BCS is a mess and the NFL playoff picture is clear as mud.  Welcome to my favorite time in football.

The Heisman Trophy is still up for grabs; all we hear of are players from Top Ten teams.  Find someone else this year, please.  Media pundits name the QB of the most recent big Saturday night game as the front runner.

Tom Brady will play for team XXX in 2009.  What a terrible thing to have two Pro-Bowl caliber Qbs!  Remember how Brady got his current NFL gig.  Franchise tag anyone?  "Gee kid, we're slapping the franchise tag on you and guaranteeing you $14million.  Hope you're not upset."

The NFC North is its usual cauldron of stewed pieces and parts.  No team has stepped up, except for Detroit who took a step back the first game of the season.  Buh-Bye Lions.  Even your Thanksgiving game is a terrible thing to watch.  Put the "L" in the book against the Titans now.

Donovan McNabb will play for the Vikes or whom next year?  His +$10million salary in 2009 probably says he's gone after the past two years of bad team play.  The same happened to Culpepper, yet people cry how McN is being disrespected.  Please disrespect me for that kind of money.

Texas and Oklahoma have the pleasure of waiting for the Big XII Championship Game berth.  If tied, the highest BCS ranked team advances.  After OU's slaughter of TxTech, it's up in the air with the computers making the decision here.  In north Texas, plenty of families are cross-bred with Okies and Texas fans.  That should make for some fun Thanksgiving meals and a few shootings.  Look for the coaches to do their own lobbying.  If OU looks good against Okie State, I bet OU will advance.

T.O. is happy.  How couldn't he be after he played a private track meet gig against the Niners.

In Indianapolis, a 14 year old girl wants to play baseball, yet the Indy high school officials say the rules prohibit her from playing since softball is available.  Let her play.  Then again, any time  boys want to play field hockey or any other sport on the girl's play list, the guys get to play.

Emmitt Smith is beyond painful to listen to from the ESPN booth.  How did he escape college or the great U of F without a basic understanding of the word, 'be.'   "They be, he be, they gots to..."   AHHHHHHH!!!

Lendale White's(TN Titans) internal punk showed during a post-game interview and whining session about carries.  The best part was how he was playing with his earrings during most of the idiotic discussion.  This kept popping into my mind. "Coach treats us like men and lets us wear earrings."   Well, that and did the USC alumni buy the earrings?

Bama and Florida,conqueror of The Citadel, will play for the BCS berth.  Why haven't we been seeing Bama games this year?  Whassupwidtdat?

Notre Dame lost to a team without a head coach.  (Insert joke here.)  Ok, it's not cool to make fun of the footballically challenged teams.

The NBA has had no high profile arrests this season.  This makes me wonder, knowing the past police blotter activity.

Bill Snyder has agreed to come out of retirement to coach the mighty Kansas State f'ball team.  Bill who, you say?  This guy turned around one of the worst football programs, retired and got bored.  Joe Pa told him he'd be bored at 69.  The dude has a stadium and highway named after him and still he can't stay away.  Two words Bill...Las Vegas!

Joe Paterno is going to have hip surgery.  The words "hip" and "Paterno" shouldn't be in the same paragraph, unless it's about surgery.

I just saw Suzy Kolber, of ESPN, on HDTV.  That makeover intervention paid off!  If Joe Namath could only get her alone again.

Mark Mangino, coach of Kansas f'ball, is still wider than my HDTV wide screen!

That's my time.  Lisa H is up next and will sing "Born To Be Alive" with Patrick Hernandez.

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the starting QB bonds which have connected them with another receiver, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of bloggers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation from the rest of the division.

(If you don't know the source obtuse paragraph , please don't vote in November.)

Start singing now...

Backup QB Jones, I got Backup QB Jones
Got Backup Jones, oh baby, oo-oo-oo

Yes, I am the victim of a Backup QB Jones
Ever since I was a little baby, I always be throwing behind the receiver
In fac', I was de passer in the whole neighborhood
Then one day, my mama bought me a football
And I loved that football
I took that football with me everywhere I went
That football was like a football to me

I even put that football underneath my pillow
Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night
I need help, ladies and gentlemens
I need someone to stand beside me
I need, I need someone to set a screen for me at the line of life
Someone I can pass to
Someone to hit the open man on the hook and ladder
And not end up in the popcorn machine
So cheerleaders, help me out

{cheerleaders sing repeatedly...}
(football Jones, I got a football Jones)
(I got a football Jones, oh baby, oo-oo-ooo)

{while Tyrone Shoelaces sings/speaks...}
Oh, that sounds so sweet
Sing it out
C'mon Coach Booty, Red Blazer, sing along with me
That be bad, h-onky
Yeah
I want everybody in the whole stadium to stand up and sing with us
Oh yeah, sing it out like you're proud
All right, everybody watchin' coast-to-coast, sing along with us
Tony Romo, sing along with us
Jerry Jones, sing along with us
JokersWild, don't sing nothin'

Oh, it feels so good
Gimme the ball
I'll go down the field, against the world, left-handed
I could force it from the pocket with my toes
I could jump on top of the pocket, take off a quarter, leave fifteen cents change I
could, I could pitch behind my back I got more moves than Ex-Lax I'm bad I could
pass with my tongue Here I go down the field, try to stop me You can't stop me 'cause I
got a football Jones Here I come That's shovel pass with my eyebrow Yeah, I could
dunk it with my nose I'm, I'm bad as King Kong, gimme the ball I'm hot, I'm hot as...,
I'm hot as..., I'm hot as... uh Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Any team losing their starting QB will break the fans' hearts.  Rarely does a backup step in and succeed.  The few that do soon have a hot, model/actress girlfriend who's jumping on the bandwagon and new starter.

Get out your forks, the Cowboys are slow cooking and will be served with a nice brownsugar based barbeque sauce.

Next up, Lisa H and the the USC Song Girls will lead us in "I got a pinkie for sale" to the tune of the Talking Heads - "I got love for sale."

As we type, another network is pushing a segment on Title Town.  Ok, them is fighting words, Vern.   This is as stupid as claiming which NCAA football conference is the best.  Several conferences need to travel TO bowl games instead of playing at home stadiums before the masses will offer total respect.  Remember the four-letter network's terrible "Who's Now" segment last year?  I'm still hosing down the living room to remove the stench.  This is more of the same refuse.

No city owns the Title Town moniker and plenty of fine citizens will offer to fight over the name.

Green Bay was ONCE known by that name; it's lame to make a claim to a name that has applied only ONCE since the late 1960's.  Let it go, Green Bay.  Be happy you still have an NFL franchise.  Los Angeles will be sniffing for an NFL team in a few years.

Please feel free to toss replies with team/franchise nicknames that really piziss you off.  Yes, I live in DFW; I grew up despising the Cowboys, since Pearson pushed off on the Hail Mary pass against my beloved Vikes!

What franchise do you hate and why?  Here are the leading contenders.

NFL-

America's Team!  That was a name created for a NFL FILMS video.  Tex Schramm and his Cowboys cronies jumped on it and the flea bag media and fans kept it going.  Hey!  Every sport needs a Dr. Evil franchise for everyone else to hate.  Philly fans should be happy it's not them the rest of the leagues hates and is jealous of, too.

In the 80's the SuperStation, TBS, a Turner commodity, attempted to bogart the name, America's Team, for the Braves.  Didn't work, did it.  How can a team from a city that can't build a freeway to loop the city be hated?  Well, unless Ray Lewis has a weapon, I'm not worried!

The New England Pats are rising on the hate charts, courtesy of the video camera and three, lame three point SuperBowl wins(?).

MLB-

The prissy Yankees and their astronomical payroll win in an uncontested match.  How can we not hate the Yankees!  It's as easy as ' A squared + B squared = C squared.'  The highest payroll in the western hemisphere can't buy titles any more.  I love it.  Red Sox fans, quit your crying.  You're the second most hated franchise in  MLB, since your 'Johnny come lately' fans have a huge sense of entitlement.  Go back to worshipping Dennis Leary, please.  Anyone know who's the daddy of A-Rod's kids? 

NHL-

Let's face it, Detroit is the bomb.  This is the Title Town of the NHL.   I respect the pizza franchise dictator's running of the Red Wings.   This only leaves teams with dirty players and that leaves Sean Avery, dirtbag-turd.  The NHL created a rule, during the playoffs because of this swine.   Wait, he just signed with the Stars.  Whoops!  I'm not impartial any more.  Fans are more jealous of the Red Wings than anything else.

NBA-

That's  beyond easy, since Kindergarten kids hate the Lakers.  There's nothing more to say.  At least the Police Blotter has not included Lakers lately.

MLS-

Psych.  The masses aren't watching.

Gentlemen, start your fisticuffs. 

The past week was filled with juicy sports stories and terrible news for MLB.  Here's the Week That Was.

A) MLB  Mrs. Clemens, Debbie, has admitted to using HGH before a swimsuit photo shoot.  I wonder where McNamee injected her.  Maybe she took something orally instead.  I can't wait for the public disclosure.  Can Roger's denial about steroids and HGH be believed if he had his wife injected?  Goodbye first ballot Hall of Fame!  Sit next to Barry on the Group W bench, please.   Buh-bye.   Andy P. dropped a dime on Roger.  Here's a shot of the two preparing their testimony.  Add your own punch line. 

2) NBA Mavericks trade for Jason Kidd has hit a snag and it involves: The Early Bird Exception!  That's a legit collective bargaining clause.  It seems to be a two year qualifying event instead of three.  Whatever!  I could write the specifics, but that would involve math and stuff.  It's the weekend, thank you.  The deal can be salvaged by repackaging the contract of Christian Laetner, Keith Van Horn or some other dead dude: I can't remember which.

D) MLB Kevin Mench, AKA Shrek, has signed a minor league deal.  Rangers fans, both of em', immediately bought six game ticket packages.  Kevin is known for his large head, which still is tiny compared to the Bonds cranium.  Shrek's cap size is 8 point something.  The competition will be fierce for the extra outfielder position.  The Mench bobblehead was truly that.

If you picked up on the numbering for the first three items, you're a fan of quotes from Home Alone.

7) NBA  The Basketball Hall of Fame finalists include likely entrants: Adrian Dantley, Patrick Ewing, Hakeem Olajuwan, a couple coaches and some foreign dudes I don't know.  Look for a name player to get hosed in favor o####irl who played Iowa High School basketball and scored 20 per game. 

Q) NFL  Pats fans will be on the defensive as a former Rams player and fans have filed a $100,000, 000.00 dollar federal lawsuit.  Seems they believe the Pats pattern of cheating is racketeering.  Sic em'!    Related to this is the NFL revelation that the Pats taped Steeler defensive coaches during four games from 2001-2004, which included two AFC Championship games.  The Pats won three of the four.  Yikes!  More fodder for the flames?

Red) NBA  The All Star game is on today or tonight.  Of all the major sport All Star games, this is the best and I'm not watching this joke, either.  There's no defense and bad shooting.  It looks like a High School JV game with the hot dogging.  The hilight is Charles Barkley's mouth.  I hope Strahan retires from the NFL soon.  We need him in the booth.

3)  NASCAR  Left Turn fans rejoice over the beginning of the 2008 season.  Yes, the Daytona 500 is finally here.  "Right Turn Clyde."    I do have one suggestion to the France family.  Move the race to the week before the Super Bowl.  We have nothing to do that week.  The ratings would rule.  I'll tune into the in progress race shortly.  It's hard to choose who I cheer for.  I know I'd like to hang with Tony Stewart and b-smack Kurt Busch.  Good times.

R) Ammo was on sale this week, so I'm a happy camper.  

Here we are after a full season of NFL football.  The playoffs are over and we now have the most exciting possible matchup of the New England Patriots vs. What the $%&@!

This is a great matchup if you're a Patriots fan or extreme optimist from the Meadowlands, NJ.  How did this happen to us.

I'm setting the over/under on "that's why they play the game" cliches at three per half hour preview show.

The big winner today was New England.  They may  will finally win a Super Bowl by more than three points.  I imagine an opening Vegas Line of 14 points.  I'll be watching the Super Bowl for the commercials again.   Tabasco may have something new.  I loved that mosquito going up in flames.  Monster will waste millions on a bad ad.  That's always amusing.

The network has to love this captive television audience matchup.  Yawn!

Hey, who wants to take up bowling, crochet or maybe go skeet shooting for the next two weeks?  We don't have to spend our time arguing about the Super Bowl.

Goliath must go down and he must go down hard!  Go Giants!

I love those Budweiser clydesdales.  We could talk about what commercials Bud and Pepsi should do.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is so wrong.  I'll be watching the Fox Soccer Channel soon.

Below: Sports reporters and Bloggers react to the Super Bowl matchup.  Oh the humanity.

The Patriots amazing and record tying regular season is finally complete.  Congratulations to the Patriots fans who saw the record run.

Still, it's not good enough.  The Patriots MUST run the table or be labeled the biggest bust in NFL history.  The pressure is on as the Patriots begin the post-season.  Losing is inconceivable, yet for the rest of us, a desired event.

This just in...the Patriots are possibly the biggest cheaters in the history of the league.

The record team/coach fine of $750,000.00 is incomprehensible. 

Has any modern team lost their first round draft pick as a penalty for cheating and paid a huge fine?  Team owner Kraft didn't go the public route and dispute the NFL cheating charges.

The Patriots aren't tarnished, they're rusty.  Time won't be kind as fans of 31 teams will always bring up the Pats Video-Gate episode.

Many of us are still waiting to hear ALL the facts about the cheating.   We probably won't hear much due to the NFL's desire to protect itself.  The 32 owners will circle the wagons, play mum and hope we all forget Video-Gate. 

The ratings from Saturday night's Patriots at Giants game had to be record breaking as it was shown on three networks.  That was a subject of the guys at Sunday breakfast.  Viewers watched hoping the G-men would upset the Patriots; yet it didn't happen.  This game was without bad officiating and replay, like the Patriots/Ravens game.

I love the Holy Grail records.  We need something to strive for that can't be reached because it's too inconceivable.

Bob Beamon's record long jump of 29' 2.5" could never be broken, could it?  Mike Powell beat the record and fans were in shock.  Beamon hasn't lost his lustre in the eyes of fans and neither will the 72 Dolphins.

As the NFL post-season begins, fans of 31 teams will cheer against the Pats, whose fans won't understand.  Baseball fans were blind to steroids and HGH for far too long; we're sick of cheating, especially institutional cheating.

Sit back and enjoy the playoffs.  Better yet, you better take one of these pills to help you understand the ends justify the means.

Cheaters Prosper.

Ok, I really hate Boston.  I'm already sick of the current successes in major sports.  For decades, Boston fans have been the ones we really pitied.  No more.   Via recent sports emergence, we fans now hate Boston.  Congratulations Boston, you can't use the 'pity card' any more.  Please drop it off at the public library.

1 The Red Sox ARE the new Evil Empire.  With the second highest sports payroll in the western hemisphere, why should a fan feel sorry for the Red Sox.  The current Santana Sweepstakes is a prime example of Red Sox' deep pockets.  Winning may make the country hate the Sox more than King George's Yankees.  

2 The Boston Celtics(love em') are the darlings of the NBA and media.  Add in the cute new uniforms and we have a Malibu Barbie sighting in the Fleet Center, or whatever it's called after the latest corporate takeover.

3 The New England Patriots.  How can fans not dislike a team that won three SuperBowls because of a frickin' kicker!  Then the team let the guy go to Indy, where he picked up another Ring.  Way to go.

4  Did I mention three SuperBowls won by a kicker?  All the wins could have been losses.  Ok, it's the Salary Cap Era and only NE has dominated.  I can't respect a NFL player who can perform his NFL duties and fire up a smoke at the same time.  Sorry, that's how I feel.  Hey, I saw that movie.

5   Junior Seau, the Dennis Erickson of players, jumped from the Chargers to Miami, to wherever, to retirement, then to New England, where he suddenly had the desire to play again.  Sorry Junior, you lost my first ballot HOF vote for that panty waisted activity.  Man up and admit that the Pats recruited you while under contract.

6  Video Gate!!!   Did we need this atrocity to distort our beliefs of fair and pure competition in the NFL.  Oh, the humanity(whatever that means).   How could the Pats brass have the brass to give a coach a video camera during the game.  Now all the Super Bowl wins are tainted in many eyes, forever.  Pats fans will be forced to defend all those wins in bar fights.  Wait, that's a normal Boston activity called Tuesday.

7  Randy Moss was stolen from the Raiders for the price of a slightly used lobster!  The Pats coughed up more for Wes Welker, yes, Wes Welker, than they did for Moss.  Blame the Raiders for helping New England re-load!

8 Coach Belichick.  First, the spelling of the name and name itself is an issue.  'Chick?  Then "The Hoodie" comes to mind.  Ever heard of clothing named after a coach, other than the Tom Landry fedora?  Nope.  Who cares if the coach is a slob.  We like to see chili sauce on the front.  That makes us believe Coach B is human and has his wife yell at him too.   What? Oh, really?  Mrs. Coach B filed for divorce?  See Bill, you should have dressed better.

9  Tom Brady  Baby Daddy!  This guy has the pick of the litter with all the kittens out there.  That should be reason #1, yet I'll cut him some slack since Bridget probably yells at him enough.  Baby Daddy!  At least he doesn't have a bunch of bad prison tats of his family all over him, I hope.

(she cleans up nicely)

10 A major sports network is bombarding us with self-serving promo commercials, featuring a 'Boston guy' who is smarter than you.  It comes off as poor man's Dennis Leary and was old after the second commercial, my friend.

Numerous news outlets are reporting that Ricky No-Seeds Williams has tested positive for Marijuana again.

This will disqualify the known doper from NFL reinstatement.

Is anyone really shocked by this?

Hopefully he can fall back on his anticipated career as an aroma the#### or massage representative.  (the site just bleeped the word t-h-e-r-a-p-i-s-t)

Add Culpepper's anticipated absence from the Dolphins this year and we have a franchise in transition.

With the multi-million dollar signing bonuses, some NFL low-lifes have enough to retire on at their original contract signing.  There's no need to honor the legal contract and perform.

It's time for Ricky to be purged from all media discussions.

Calgon take me away!