Howdy folks, me and the gang are hanging out here in Dreamworld, gettin' all sorts-a fired up for college hoops now that the conference schedules are starting. We're grillin' out over at Mikhail and Tommy the Unicorn's place and all is well. So far. However, the gnomes have started doing Jager bombs, so things could get ugly here soon.....Remember this equation folks: Gnomes + Jager = Certain Disaster....

We were just discussing the current college hoops system, and have determined that the system is, well, quite flawed. Too much unfairness toward the mid-majors, the big schools just won't play us fairly; either it's always at their place, or they play us once at our place and we place twice at their place, or they come play us, not on our campus, but at the nearest  major pro arena, etc. The braintrust here has come up with a pretty neat solution. Well, at least, we think so.

Put the garden tool down, Jeffrey. Then you may have more Jager....

OK, the key to fairness is making everyone's non-conference schedule (close to) equal in strength. Basically, there are 31 conferences, and each could be classified in one of three groups by their previous season's performance. Call it Class A, B, and C, for instance, 10 conferences in Class A and C, and 11 in Class B. Based on last year's Sagarin ratings, Class A would be the six BCS conferences plus the Missouri Valley, Mountain West, WAC, and Conference USA. Class B is comprised of the A-10, Horizon, WCC, MAC, CAA, Big West, MCC, Southern, Big Sky, Sun Belt, and Patriot. Class C is therefore the Ivy, MAAC, America East, Southland, OVC, Big South, Atlantic Sun, NEC, MEAC, and SWAC. There is a point here, wait for it.....Uh oh, hold on a sec....

Well, Blossom just arrived riding her pet miniature purple rhinoceros Chad, and she's wearing a VERY skimpy bikini. I don't think the gnomes have ever seen a T-back before, and they're getting a little restless. Oh, somebody puh-leeze make the uncomfortable-ness stop. And now they're starting to shotgun cans of Milwaukee's Best. This has trouble written all over it people.....

Anyway, uh, back to the point. So if a particular conference plays an 18 conference game schedule, they should therefore get 12 non-conference games. Or in other words, the total games should come out to 30, no matter how many conference games are played. If 12 non-conference games are played, there has to be four against Class A competition (two at home, two on the road), four against Class B, again two at home, two on the road, and four against Class C. So six non-conference games are at home, six on the road, and the schedule strength is nearly equal for everyone.

Computer ratings should still be kept, because inevitably some schedules will still be harder than others. But at least it's much closer, and far more fair. And this also pretty much means the death of the pre-season and holiday tournaments, but does anybody actually care? And, whoa, wait a sec, oh no.....

Blossom and Chad seem to have gotten into the Electric Punch, and now she's giving Ricky the Albino Satyr a lap dance. Damn you, my sweet Blossom! Oh jeez, now one of the gnomes is humping poor Blossom's leg.....poor thing, she's trying to shake him off.....I knew this was going to happen....be back in a minute folks......

Anyway, when Selection Sunday comes around, the at-larges can simply be chosen by their computer ranking. Which means NO COMMITTEES INVOLVED!!! You either have the number or you don't. And the seedings are also determined by the computer ranking. And can we please get rid of this humiliating play-in game? Why do the two lowest ranked conference champions get punished by making them play an extra game? And don't give the spin of "one of those teams can say they won an NCAA tournament game". Everyone knows it's not a real tournament win. If you absolutely have to have a play in game, make the last two at-larges play it, but don't punish conference champions.

And there you have it, a much improved system, no non-conference rivalries are lost, and the big boys can no longer unfairly screw the mid's. What d'ya think?

Well, things have gone from bad to worse here in Dreamworld. They tried the daily Running of the Gnomes, but the lead gnome was so hammered, he led the entire herd straight into the pool, and we lost a couple dozen of 'em. Sad, but hilarious at the same time. Probably not such a bad thing, those little ####s multiply like rabbits. I keep lobbying for a gnome hunting season, it may happen soon....Anyway, Ricky is hurling in the fountain, Chad's bobbing for dead gnomes, and Mikhail and Tommy are calling the cops. Yep, we have cops here in Dreamworld, and I think you can see why!! Blossom, however, is giving me that "come hither" look.....man, I love it when she drinks. See ya!!