This one is for all you Michigan fans out there. May all your Christmas wishes come true!
Driving home from work today while stuck in traffic, the late John Lennon's Christmas song, Happy Christmas (War is Over) came on the radio. As I pondered my fate in that four lane parking lot, it hit me! So this is Christmas.....So Rich Rodriguez........and another song parody was begun.
Rich Rodriguez, newly annointed savior & coach of the Maize & Blue Michigan Wolverines, late of the West Virginia Mountaineers is the newest inductee into the Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute Hall-of-Shame. He is the first Hispanic to win the award.
Unbelievably, Rodriguez left his alma mater to take on the task of bringing Michigan back to respectability in the Big 10 conference and in the national rankings.
According to Coach Rodriguez, "It was a very difficult decision to leave a place where I grew up.....It was going to take a very special opportunity and a very special place and I think that's what this is.....Unless you're a Hatfield or McCoy, Michigan is defintely a better place to be than West Virginia."
Let's hope that there are no home games scheduled against Division 1AA teams in the "Big House" in the foreseeable future.
Apparently Rodriguez was Michigan's third choice after both Les Miles (LSU) and Greg Schiano (Rutgers) turned down the Maize & Blue's attempt to replace the retiring Lloyd Carr. I guess the third time's a charm! Hopefully he won't end up like Ty Willingham at Notre Dame.
"[I] might have been my wife's third choice, too," Rodriguez quipped.
Rodriguez met five of the seven criterions needed for induction into the Male Prostitute Hall-of-Shame notably:
1) Accepting coaching positions that either moves them from Division 1AA or a lesser Division 1A program to successively bigger Division 1A programs, culminating in a job at a traditional BCS power.
2) Significantly improves his financial compensation package.
3) Taking his next job (Michigan) after his former team (West Virginia) made it to a bowl game, but before the bowl game is actually played.
4) State that the school he was at (WVU) was his dream job, or deny rumors that he is looking at other opportunities.
According to West Virginia Governor Joe Manchin, Rodriguez, is a native West Virginian "whose only wish was to play football at WVU" and as "a young man whose only wish was to coach at WVU!" So much for loyalty in this day and age!
5) Generate controversy. Rodriguez barely skates in under this criterion, as his only controversy involves the handling of the buyout clause in his West Virginia contract and whether or not he will coach the Mountaineers in the upcoming Fiesta Bowl.
Rodriguez is no stranger to success, having served as Tommy Bowden's offensive coordinator at Tulane, where the Green Wave went 12-0 in 1998 with quarterback Shaun King (who?) running his spread offense. After following Bowden to Clemson, Rodriguez was selected to lead the West Virginia Mountaineers out of obscurity and into the upper echelon of the Big East conference.
His penultimate accomplishment of the 2007 season was leading his then #2 ranked West Virginia team to a devastating & demoralizing loss against an underdog Pittsburgh Panther team (led by a crippled coach) in the backyard brawl. The loss eliminated any possibility that the Mountaineers would play in the national championship game.
Good luck at Michigan Rich! Let's see if you can do any better than Lloyd Carr against Ohio State!
Charles Barkley, who was known as the “Round Mound of Rebound” during his basketball career, announced the winners of his 2007 “Barkley” awards that honor coaching ineptitude in the National Football League.
Barkley, a diehard college football fan stated, “I don’t know why so many coaches at the college level think they can go pro! Too often, they fail to realize that in the pros, you’re dealing with men, not boys, and success doesn’t always translate.”
'Sir' Charles created the “Round Mound of Rebound” or “Barkley” awards in 1999 to recognize those successful college coaches who fail miserably in the NFL. These coaches, in a fit of ego inducement, take their success at the college level and attempt to make it in the NFL.
More often than not, these coaches fail. Barkley, sensing their despair over failing at the top, felt it only fitting to use his "Round Mound of Rebound" moniker as the name of the award since failure in the NFL has not impeded their ability to "rebound" in the college ranks, restore their self-esteem, and renew their winning ways.
A panel, consisting of one FoxSports blogger, chose this year’s winners. The awardees include the first two-time winner in the history of the Barkley’s, Dennis Erickson.
DENNIS ERICKSON
Coach Erickson is now a two time winner of the award, having previously won in 1999 while with the Oregon State Beavers to their first winning season in 28 years. A successful college coach with stints at Idaho, Wyoming, Washington State, and Miami, Erickson parlayed his two national championships into a job with the Seattle Seahawks in 1995. Erickson spent four seasons in the NFL amassing an impressive 31-33 record of mediocrity.
Like a drug addict, however, the need for a “fix” was too great for Erickson, who skipped town on the Beavers in 2003 to take on a rebuilding project with the San Francisco 49ers. But, his eyes were bigger than his stomach and Erickson only managed a 9-23 record over two seasons. Consequently, Erickson returned to his true love, the college game, first at Idaho for a season, and then with the Arizona State Sun Devils, barely missing a spot in a BCS bowl game.
NICK SABAN
Saban parlayed success at three schools (Toledo, Michigan State, LSU) into the top job with the Miami Dolphins. Becoming more successful at each stop along the way, Saban landed in Miami with great expectations. With Dolphins, however, he guided the team to two less than stellar seasons and no playoff appearances! Apparently, he came to the dismal realization that success at the college level does not always translate to a successful NFL career. This astounding piece of insight on his part resulted in Saban’s sudden, secretly announced return to the college ranks as the ninth heir to the great Bear Bryant at the University of Alabama. Roll Tide!
BOBBY PETRINO
Petrino after a successful stint leading the Louisville Cardinals into the Big East Conference, jumped at the chance to be an NFL head coach with the Atlanta Falcons. In his four years at Louisville, Petrino led the Cardinals to two one-loss seasons and one BCS bowl appearance. With his ego fulfilled, Petrino sought to improve his stance as a hot, up and coming coach, by guiding the Vickless Falcons in 2007. Sadly, he only lasted 13 games into the season before resigning with a shameless 3-10 record, in order to take the top job at the University of Arkansas! His excuse for leaving, “At Louisville, I had Brian Brohm. I was expecting to have Michael Vick as my starting QB with the Falcons, but Vick just couldn't stay out of jail!”
The University of Arkansas has high expectations for Petrino. More like wishful thinking on their part! Razorback fans are seeking to improve upon their 0.620 historic winning percentage, which equates to an average 7-4 season record (a middle-of-the-road team in the SEC). Aren't they all? Former coach Houston Nutt only managed to eek out a 0.610 winning percentage, which cost him his job. Coach Petrino's task is a tough one, and should be well aware that meeting the overzealous expectations of clueless Razorback fans is a daunting task itself. Hopefully, some day soon, these fans will realize that the Hogs are not the cream of the SEC!
Who will be the next winner of the "Round Mound of Rebound" award? Submit your nominees and find out!
To tell you the truth, I only watch ESPN's College Gameday to reinforce my belief that the East Coast media bias really exists. I won't get into discussing all of Gameday's flaws here (that's the subject of a future post), but thought it was pertinent to discuss all the chatter this week about poor 'ole Kirk Herbstreit!
After reading all of them, I couldn't stop thinking that Herbie's gotta go! Hmmmmm! That tune sounds familiar! Oh yeah, Aerosmith! By putting two and two together, here's my humble attempt at writing a parody worthy enough for Weird Al Yankovic.
To the tune of Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun", we have "Herbie's Gotta Go!".
NOTE: If you don't like (Lee) CORSO, MARK MAY, (Desmond) HOWARD, (Lou) HOLTZ's, (Chris) FOWLER, or even (Jesse) PALMER or (Reece) DAVIS, substitute the appropriate name in bold and make up your own lyrics!
Herbie's Gotta Go
Dumb, dumb, dumb, Herbie you’ve sunk so low Dumb, dumb, dumb we know that you’re a schmo. Dumb, dumb, dumb, Herbie when will you go? Dumb, dumb, dumb it's the sound
Herbie’s gotta go Herbie’s gotta go His mouth is full of blow A rumor from some 'ole Joe What did Kirk Herbie do? Miles won’t be Maize and Blue! They said when Herbie’s soul recanted they found him underneath a desk But man, he has it comin' So now Herbie's gotta go didn’t OSU just hire this pest?
Herbie’s gotta go Herbie’s gotta go His dog day's just begun Now everyone’s in on the fun Tell me now it's untrue. What did ‘ole Kirk Herbstreit do? He smacked a little bitty rumor This man is full of buckeye pooh They say the spell that he was under the lightning and the thunder knew that Herbie sabotaged the Blue
Go away, go away go away from our pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah Go away go away from our pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Go away, go away, go, go away
Herbie’s gotta go Herbie’s gotta go His dog day's come you know Now everybody wants him to go Why help out LSU? ’Cause he’s got a low I.Q. He tried to take Les down easy to keep from rakin’ in the dough He said 'cause nobody believes me. This man is such a sleeze. Herbie’s always gonna be a schmo.
Go away, Go away from our pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah Go away go away from our pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Go away, go away, go, go away
Herbie’s gotta go Herbie’s gotta go Herbie’s gotta go Everybody is in the know
Herbie's gotta go His hair’s a poor man’s fro Now ‘ole Captain Kirk must make it so Because Herbie's gotta go Herbie’s gotta go His replay ends the show ’Cause everybody wants him to go Herbie’s gotta go
Are you curious to see a sampling of the coaches’ ballots in the final Top 25 USAToday Coaches Poll? How well did the coaches do in ranking one of the BCS bowl bound teams?
Well, here goes. As Hawai’i finished as the only undefeated team in Division 1A (in regulation & overtime), I was curious to see how the coaches who participate in the poll ranked them. First of all, 60 coaches participated in the balloting, representing both BCS and non-BCS affiliated conferences. How did the results tabulate?
Like a pretty good bell curve distribution.
Ranking # of Votes Ranking # of Votes
1 1 12 3
2 0 13 4
3 1 14 2
4 1 15 0
5 4 16 0
6 2 17 1
7 5 18 0
8 9 19 0
9 3 20 0
10 16 21 0
11 7 22 0
The highest rank was the #1 attributed to Hal Mumme. He is the coach of the New Mexico State Aggies team that lost to Hawai’i, 13-50 in October. Mumme runs a rather unorthodox, pass-oriented offensive attack at NMSU, so it was no surprise that he’d reward June Jones’ team with a #1 ranking. His Aggies utilize short passes to multiple receivers and backs out of the backfield. Mumme must be smarter than a 5th grader, as no one that young could come up with such a crazy offensive scheme!
Some other interesting observations: Former Miami coach Howard Schnellenberger (now at FAU) voted Hawai’i #3; Tommy Tuberville (Auburn) #4 (does he know something Alabama doesn't?); Joe Glenn (Wyoming), Pat Hill (Fresno State), and George O’Leary (UCF) voted the Warriors #5. O'Leary doesn't even have a college degree! Wow, these guys are pretty smart!
Michigan’s Lloyd Carr and Boise State’s Chris Peterson put them at #6. I wonder if Carr is wishing he scheduled Hawai'i instead of App State?
Amongst other coaches Hawai’i faced this year, D. Tomey (San Jose State) had them 7th and Tyrone Willingham (Washington) put them in 10th place.
A majority of the other coaches put the Warriors in 10th place, including Mike Bellotti (Oregon), Mario Cristobal (FIU), Phil Fullmer (Tennessee), Mark Richt (Georgia), Mike Riley (Oregon State), Steve Spurrier (South Carolina), Bob Stoops (Oklahoma), and Ron Zook (Illinois). Thanks for the vote of confidence gentlemen. Look forward to seeing you in New Orleans Mark Richt!
We’re talking about some coaches who are way smarter than a fifth grader! Most of them have coached in at least one BCS bowl game over the past few years!
On the other hand, there always has to be someone who has used up their lifeline. These coaches must have fallen asleep before Hawai'i dispatched UW last Saturday, curiously putting Hawai’i south of the #10 boarder.
Getting away from the mean, we see that Bobby (Florida State) & Tommy Bowden (Clemson) voted Hawai’i in at #12. Was there a conspiracy here? Collusion? Did they let Terry Bowden fill out their ballots for them? Who knows, but at least their ranking is close enough to the average to be within the statistical margin of error range.
On the other hand, Frank Beamer (Virgina Tech), Mack Brown (Texas), Tom O’Brien (NC State), and Joe Tiller (Purdue) all had Hawai’i positioned at #13. Is Tiller still fuming over the Boilermaker’s loss to the Warriors in 2006? Is Brown still afraid to play Hawai'i? What were these guys thinking? Bowl positioning perhaps?
Next up, Dan Hawkins (Colorado) late of Boise State. Why #14 Dan? What were you thinking? You're only 3 seasons removed from the WAC and you don’t remember the Warriors? A team you beat 5 years straight! Didn't you read Sun Tsu's The Art of War? Surely you were smarter than a fifth grader?
Another offensive genius now takes the field, Mike Leach of Texas Tech. Leach is widely regarded as one of the most innovative offensive minds in all of college football. With a mind like that, he had to have put June Jones’ run and shoot Warriors in the top 10. But no, all poor Mike Leach could do was rank them #17. Number #17? Are you jealous Mike? Were you hoping to match up with them in the Tidy Bowl? You’re definitely not smarter than a 5th grader when it comes to ranking your peers’ efforts.
Finally, the real loser at this game is former Texas A&M head coach Dennis Franchione. Coach Fran submitted a ballot with Hawai’i ranked #22! Number 22? Are you on crack? Can you believe it? Did Coach Fran sell his ballot in his secret newsletter to the highest paying booster? Who knows! Maybe he had a kid complete it, filling it out in crayon! What was he thinking (that he was going to lose his job or exit gracefully)? Does he even know anything about college football? I’m sorry coach, but you are the biggest loser (in more ways then one).
Dennis Franchione is not smarter than a 5th grader!
You may recall one of Dan Akroyd’s characters from Saturday Night Live back in the 1970’s, Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute.
To honor college football’s finest male prostitutes, we have the Male Prostitute Hall-of-Shame.
To qualify for selection to the Male Prostitute Hall-of-Shame, college coaches must display the following characteristics over their careers:
Short stops (2-3 years) at a school
Accept coaching positions that either moves them from Division 1AA or a lesser Division 1A program to successively bigger Division 1A programs, culminating in a job at a BCS school or as a coach of an NFL team.
Each stop along the way significantly improves their financial compensation package.
They utter statements such as, “I’m here to stay” or denying rumors in the media by repeatedly denying the rumors adamantly stating "I'm not going to be the XXXX coach.”
Taking their next job after their current teams makes it to a bowl game, but before the bowl game is actually played.
Be involved in controversy (recruiting violations, discipline problems, secret newsletters, NCAA probation, etc).
Succeeded at the collegiate level but failed in the NFL.
These coaches are the antithesis of coaches such as Bobby Bowden (31 years) and Joe Paterno (42 years) who are known for longevity as their schools. Though some fans may feel that these two coaches may have overstayed their welcome, these are two gentlemen who put their college football programs on the map and became synonymous with their schools.
Wouldn’t you rather be known as “Coach Z" who built the program at the "U of X”? Or would you rather be the coach at a major program where you will probably never live up to the legend of some coach who was there before you?
So, without further adieu, here is the Class of 2007 in reverse order:
5. Urban Meyer – Coach Meyer barely qualifies for the Hall, but since 5 sounded like a good number, he’s included here to complete the set. Makes one wonder if he could have built the Utes into a MWC powerhouse.
Football Teams - Bowling Green (2 years), Utah (2 years), Florida (3 years)
4. Dennis Franchione – Coach Fran is eminently qualified for the Hall. Just ask any Alabama fan. Plus, with that newsletter of his, he’s no stranger to controversy.
Football Teams - Southwest Texas State (1AA) (2 years), New Mexico (6 years), TCU (3 years), Alabama (2 years), Texas A&M (5 years)
3. Steve Spurrier – The “Old Ball Coach” was a touch choice, as we’ll never really know if it was money or boredom that led to his departure from Florida.
Football Teams -Tampa Bay Bandits (USFL) (3 years), Duke (3 years), Florida (12 years), Washington Redskins (NFL) (2 years), South Carolina (3 years)
2. Nick Saban – Though his stays at schools have gotten longer (5 years at MSU and LSU), Coach Saban took the money and ran for the NFL. Failing at that, he high-tailed it back to the college ranks to restore some of the luster to the anemic Crimson Tide program. This is one coach who is no stranger to controversy!
Football Teams - Toledo (1 year), Michigan State (5 years), LSU (5 years), Miami Dolphins (NFL) (2 years), Alabama (1 year)
1. Dennis Erickson – The King of the Male Prostitutes. Erickson readily admitted (during his tenure at OSU) to prostituting himself in his earlier days. However, when the opportunity arose, he left OSU and returned to the NFL. He really had to see if he was a better pro coach then his earlier stop in Seattle demonstrated. Failing for a second time in the NFL, he took a year off before returning to the University of Idaho, only to leave after one year when Arizona State showered him with $$$$.
Football Teams - Idaho (1AA) (4 years), Wyoming (1 year), Washington State (2 years), Miami (6 years), Seattle Seahawks (NFL) (3 years), Oregon State (4 years), San Francisco 49ers (NFL) (2 years), Idaho (1 year), Arizona State (1 year)
NOTE: Only Division 1AA/1A and professional coaching jobs are listed.
I am an avowed "West Coast" college football fan who happens to live between Big 12 and Big 10 country and spends many a late Saturday night watching football from the "conference of champions".
While I am not an SEC-hater, I do believe SEC fans have a tendency to think too highly of their teams, without knowing much about football beyond the confines of dixieland.
free counter
And so Rich Rodriguez
And so Rich Rodriguez
Rich Rodriguez, newly annointed savior & coach of the Maize & Blue Michigan Wolverines, late of the West Virginia Mountaineers is the newest inductee into the Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute Hall-of-Shame. He is the first Hispanic to win the award.
offensive coordinator at Tulane, where the Green Wave went 12-0 in 1998 with quarterback Shaun King (who?) running his spread offense. After following Bowden to Clemson, Rodriguez was selected to lead the West Virginia Mountaineers out of obscurity and into the upper echelon of the Big East conference. 
Herbie's gotta go
