Well, I'd hoped to get some observations about Daisuke Matsuzaka's debut yesterday, but while I did watch the game, I was simultaneously struggling with a book on fixing computers (hint: don't), with the result that I spent more time thinking about CD-ROM drives than balls and strikes.  My only relevant observations are these:

* Matsuzaka looked pretty good, as did Greinke, and

* Dice-K is already my least-favorite nickname in the sports world.  If we expand to all nicknames, it's third after "J-Lo" and "K-Fed."   When was it decided that we no longer had the time to pronounce a person's entire name?

* Since I need some filler, I'll toss in something unrelated: Meet one of the few people who isn't a Bay Area native or a blood relative who is rooting for Barry Bonds to break Aaron's record.  It's my natural contrarian streak come to light.  Anytime SO MANY media people have decided that they unilaterally just don't like a guy and don't want to give him a break, I feel the urge to support the other side.

And no, I'm not happy about the steroid angle.  But unfortunately, a *lot* of people in a lot of sports have apparently been taking steroids, and I find it impossible to judge the effects of it, or to localize all those effects on Barry Bonds.  It's an institutional problem., and I don't like baseball's attitude of milking Barry for every cent he's worth, then turning around and blaming it all on him when the heat over steroids gets a little too high.

The bottom line for me is this: If baseball has sufficient evidence that Barry Bonds has broken the rules and his stats are invalid, then they should ban him.  If they're not going to ban him, then they forfeit the right to complain about the numbers he compiles.

Hey, I think Hank Aaron was an amazing ballplayer.  Probably a nicer guy than Barry Bonds.  But so what?  We can either hide our heads in the sand and try our best to pretend he doesn't exist, or we can embrace and appreciate a record-breaking run by an extraordinary athlete.  I'm going with the second one, whether the media likes it or not.

* Your division-leading teams as of this afternoon: The Red Sox, Twins, Angels, Braves/Mets, Pirates, and Rockies/Padres.  Really, only the NL Central would surprise me if things ended up like that.  But I'm going to make my own prediction, because I enjoy the chance to be really wrong: Yankees, Twins, A's, Braves, Cubs, Padres. Wild Cards: Red Sox and Mets.  But don't look at me-- I'm the guy who watched baseball every day of the 2003 season and wound up predicting a Braves/Mariners World Series as late as August.  I said I watched baseball, I didn't say I learned from it...

The Mets' series against the Cardinals didn't so much come to an end last night as scream to a thunderous conclusion.  It was one of those games that makes you wince a little even if you're rooting for the winning side.  Somebody did remember to tell St. Louis that winning last year doesn't mean they're entitled to win every year, right?

Thoughts, comments, n' notes from the broadcast:

* The Cardinal starting pitcher, Braden Looper, was a valuable fill-in closer for the Mets for a couple of years (defined as, somebody who kept us from spending big money in seasons when there weren't a lot of wins to save anyway).  He pitched pretty well, but I can't see him as a starter because he always had a lot of trouble with left-handed bats.  I found myself wishing the Mets had stacked the lineup against him.  This might be the most interesting experiment of the early season...

* This time it was Preston Wilson misplaying two balls in the outfield.  These weren't, like, shots bouncing off people's gloves.  They've been flat misjudging stuff out there.  I want to wonder if it was a lighting problem, but wouldn't that affect the Mets, too?

* One of last night's announcers said something about "the best still yet to come" from Carlos Beltran.  Okay... he's 30 years old and playing in Shea Stadium.  He's a wonderful player, but the elevator goes down from here.  (Possible exception: If the Mets' new park turns out to be better for hitters, that could spike some people's numbers, but it won't change his real value much...)

* Best stat of the night for the Mets?  7 good innings (including 4 without a hit) from John Maine.  For the record, the no-hitter was broken up by a Scott Rolen single up the middle in the 5th.  Every time a no-hitter is broken up, a little part of me dies...

* Pitching the 9th... Aaron Sele?  It's clearly a mop-up role, but he's the reverse of Looper... I can't see him as a reliever because of all the hits he gives up.  I must admit, though, I cheered when he struck out Pujols.

* One of our announcers for the night: Orel Hershiser!  Man, oh, man... I don't think I've ever hated a player as much as I did Orel Hershiser for a couple of weeks in 1988.  As a fan of an opposing team, that's the sincerest compliment I know how to give.  He was other-worldly.  He later pitched a season for the Mets, which caused my skull to implode.

* Final, unrelated note: With the game soundly in hand, I found my attention drawn to a webcast of the Celtics-Bucks NBA game.  This one was actually better in my mind's eye, as I could imagine the two teams of deep-bench reserves trying desperately NOT to score on each other.  It was great!  People complain about bad teams tanking games, but just for entertainment value, I think it should be done more often.

Today: No Mets' game to watch, but Daisuke Matsuzaka makes his debut against former super-prospect Zack Greinke.  That's worth the price of MLB.TV right there...

The Mets beat the Cardinals again last night, begging the question of how high they intend to build my hopes and dreams before crushing them to shards.  Not a whole lot to write home about in what was generally an enjoyable game, but I'll toss a few things out:

* During commercial breaks, MLB.TV displays a computerized baseball bouncing around the screen with "Blip!  Blip!  Blip!" noises, like a sports-themed Pong.  This was strangely hypnotic for about thirty seconds, but by the fifth inning we were amusing ourselves by reciting our own commercial jingles during the breaks.  It may have been the only game in Major League history to be (in our minds) sponsored by Folger's coffee, Jell-O, Speedy Alka-Seltzer, and Farfel the Nestle's Chocolate Dog.  Of course, we tossed in a few beer commercials and Bob Seger singing "Like a Rock," so the more traditional sponsors wouldn't feel left out.

* A misplay in the outfield by a man named Skip Schumaker, who sounds like he should have been a character in a 1940's screwball comedy, gets the Mets their second run.  That's two straight games in which an outfield error has cost the Cardinals.  Coincedence, I'm sure, but you usually expect a tight defense from them...

* El Duque pitches well and drives in a couple of runs, too.  His health and effectiveness is a big key for the Mets this season.  In the seventh, he gives up a homer and a couple of solid drives and one of the people I'm watching the game with suggests that when Hernandez starts to lose effectiveness, it goes quickly.  But just glancing over his splits from last season, the numbers don't seem to support that... El Duque was rather effective as the game went on.  But we all form those little impressions, I guess.

* Why isn't Aaron Heilman in the starting rotation?  I've been asking this for over a year now, and I've never heard a satisfying explanation beyond a general "We like having him as a setup man."  Well, yeah, I like having a setup man, too.  I'd like having a third starter even more.

* Speaking of setup men, Scott Schoeneweiss, whom I've always liked, gets us into a jam, intensifying my bullpen fears begun by Joe Smith yesterday, but Heilman gets Pujols to save our bacon.  Does this invalidate my previous comment about him?  Not really; I'd still rather see him do that three times a game.  Anyway, then comes Billy Wagner to close.  Ever since that game against the Yankees last year when he sel####estructed with a four-run lead, I've never quite trusted Wagner.  I can't explain it: His stats are good, and every closer melts down ONCE in a while, right?  Benitez used to do it all the time.  But the heart knows no logic.  The mystical bonds of trust have been broken.  Talk to me 50 saves down the road, maybe I'll feel differently...

John Maine pitches tonight.  Here's where we'll start to really tell about 2007...

...which doesn't quite have the ring to it that Opening Day used to have, does it?  Maybe I'm just being a curmudgeon, but it does seem like the start of a baseball season was more special back before we got that pre-Opening Day "preview game."  It doesn't kill the anticipation, but it smacks it around a bit.

Notes from the games that were whisked into my living room yesterday:

* The high excitement of the Braves-Phillies opener bodes poorly for my Mets.  Either of these teams look like they could go the distance.  But they have to play 10 innings on Opening Day!  Don't you think ballplayers must hate that?  It's like staying late on the first day of school...

* Braves catcher Brian McCann was particularly kicking the snot out of the ball.  There's a guy I'd love to have on my roster for the next ten years.  Also impressive yesterday: Devil Ray rookie Elijah Dukes, who not only has an awesome name for an athlete but the power to homer rather effortlessly to center field at Yankee Stadium.  Proof that I'm falling out of touch in my old age: I'd never heard of Dukes before, even though the word "troubled" comes up repeatedly when you Google him.  When I'm missing out on crazy athleticism and accompanying controversy, it's time to spend some quality time with the Baseball Prospectus.

* This isn't exactly a new angle, but: Has there ever been a more underappreciated great player than Alex Rodriguez? Yankee fans keep focusing on his supposedly poor intangibles and ignoring the fact that he's freakin' Honus Wagner. Not that I mind. I hope they trade him. The Yankees don't need anymore Hall of Famers.

* Carl Pavano is starting on Opening Day for the Yankees?  Doesn't that sentence sound wrong to you?  And across the way a bit, the Red Sox lineup is filled with Julio Lugos and Dustin Pedroias.  Not that there's anything wrong with any of those players, per se... I just get the sense that neither juggernaut is what it used to be.

* We're officially entering the Isn't He About Due to Break Down With a 6.00 ERA Some Year? portion of Mariano Rivera's career.  Not this year, however: He's typically impressive in the opener.

* Baserunning news: Did anyone else think for a second that this might be 1987 when Tony Pena Jr. tripled?  Also, I've never seen a player more unequivocally thrown out going for a double than Pedroia in the second inning yesterday.  And who had Justin Morneau/Paul Bako in the First Good Plate Collision of the Season office pool?

* Finally, Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks are approaching epic proportions.  Just thought you'd like to know.

Forward to The Day After the Day After Opening Day...

So the Mets elected to try a novel new experiment last night.  They're going to try to go 162 games with just two starting pitchers.  Apparently it's more prestigious to win the National League East with a degree of difficulty.  (In Omar Minaya's defense, I wouldn't have shelled out umpteen million dollars for Gil Meche or a zillion quadrillion for Barry Zito, either.  It'd just be nice if we had somebody...)

Anyway, thanks to the wonder of televised baseball, I get to have thoughts on last night's game, even though it would be physically impossible for me to have been in Busch Stadium and guzzling diet soda on my couch at the same time.  To wit:

* Tommy Glavine looks good.  Nine more outings like that one and we can call it a career.  And there will so be another 300 game winner, by the way.  It'll be harder now, but I don't believe in saying records can't be acheived, especially since people were saying the same things before the last wave of 300-game winners hit.

* The defense was surprisingly effective last night; a couple of nice double plays, a runner thrown out at the plate, and a diving catch from Moises Alou, who apparently hasn't fossilized yet.  I still remember him whaling on the ball in the 1994 All-Star Game, back in the Pre-Cambrian Era...

* Joe Smith is probably The Most Anonymous Player in Major League History, joining an elite group that also includes The Most Anonymous Number-One Pick Ever, basketball player Joe Smith.  I hope our Joe is planning to get people out at some point.

* My mother, a fellow Mets fan, rooted for Carlos Delgado last night.  She's always been anti-Delgado (long story), and part of me wants to be glad she's coming around.  On the other hand, we went to the NLCS last year with her rooting for everybody on the team but him.  Now I'm afraid she's jinxed us.  Stay tuned...

All in all, an encouraging (if slightly less-than-thrilling) way to open the season.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go back to lobbying Major League Baseball to adopt a football schedule so that Glavine can pitch every week...

We're 1/5th of the way through the season, which is a good time to review the divisional races because-- well, because I said it is.  Let's start in the AL East, where the standings go : 1. Red Sox 2. Yankees 3. Blue Jays 4. Orioles 5. Devil Rays.

In other words, precisely where we thought they'd be, when you consider that the Red Sox always start out better than the Yankees, and then always get owned by the end of the regular season.  So nothing on the surface can rightly be termed a surprise.  Let's go a little deeper:

1. Boston Red Sox (21-13, 1st by 1 game)

MVP so Far: 3b Mike Lowell, who is hitting doubles like Earl Webb after a double-espresso.  There's also this guy named Ortiz.  And it helps to have Curt Schilling looking unexpectedly healthy and Schill-like (5-2, 3.76).  My fantasy team thanks you, Curt.  I honestly didn't see that coming, and neither did the guy who offered you as a throw-in to a trade...

Don't Worry About: ca Jason Varitek, now hitting .222.  He's due to wear down soon, but probably not that much.  Mark Loretta's also got the track record to up his 695 OPS by the break; much ado about nothing with his early struggles.

Go Ahead and Worry About: ss Alex Gonzalez.   Let's face it, of the two Gonzalezes, the one you want playing shortstop for your team is: Option C), Hanley Ramirez.  It should get better than a 625 OPS, but he's no Nomar.

Outlook: Solid, as far as the playoffs go.  Clemens or not, another starting pitcher would help, but the Sox aren't shy about that sort of thing.  Eclipsing the Yankees is something else again, and I'd like to see them making more of a statement early.

If They Were a Movie, They'd Be: "Jumanji."  Sure, the big-budget effects are nice and it's a decent thrill ride watching them run from the Yankee hunter, but you just get the sense they're leaving some potential laughs on the table.

2. New York Yankees (19-13, 1 game back)

The MVP so far: Maybe you noticed Derek Jeter hitting .349... or maybe you didn't, 'cause he's just being Jeter.  Jason Giambi's 12 homers haven't hurt, either-- in fact, the whole lineup's clicking, and Mike Mussina's chipping in a 6-1.  Will he finally win 20?

Don't Worry About: sp Randy Johnson.  The 5.01 ERA will go down.  Maybe not as much as it would have a couple of years ago, but like Nolan Ryan, Randy's a guy who's going to lose it to injuries eventually, not age or ineffectiveness.  On the other hand, the mere 32 strikeouts in 47 innings is not a good sign...

Go Ahead and Worry About: The Matsui injury.  The man whose name I always mix up with the Mets' Kaz Matsui won't be easily replaced with the materials they have on hand.

Outlook: I see no reason to assume they won't win the division and lose in the playoffs, as they have every year since 2001.  Always dangerous.

If They Were a Movie, They'd Be: "Friday the 13th Part VI."  STAY BURIED, already!

3. Toronto Blue Jays (19-15, 2 games back)

MVP So Far: of Vernon Wells, who's looking like an MVP.  BJ Ryan's 8 saves and miniscule ERA are helping to earn the first big portion of his paycheck, anyway.

Don't Worry About: The biggest holes on the team, namely Aaron Hill's empty .189 at second base and Josh Towers' homemade Coors Field (0-7, 10.09) in the rotation.  Sometimes a player does his team a favor by flaming out so obviously that they have to replace him, and the alternative can only be better.

Go Ahead and Worry: About the starting rotation.  Roy Halladay's strikeout rate is concering me, Gustavo Chacin isn't pitching well enough to be 5-1, and as for AJ Burnett... well, I knew it was a mistake to sign a largely unproven pitcher to that kind of contract, didn't you?  So why didn't Toronto? 

Outlook: If the hitting continues and the pitching levels off, they'll challenge for the Wild Card.  They'll need some luck to win it, though.

If They Were a Movie, They'd Be: Peter Jackson's "King Kong."  They spent a lot of money to make a lot of money, and in large part it's working... but they won't be the hit they'd hoped to be.

4. Baltimore Orioles (15-20, 6.5 games back)

MVP So Far: ss Miguel Tejada (.355-9-29), who might want to change his name to "Honus."  Melvin Mora and Jay Gibbons aren't far behind.  Kris Benson is making that trade look pretty good on the field-- only a 4.89 ERA, but it's still enough to make him one of their two effective starters.  As for closer Chris Ray-- if you'd heard of Chris Ray before this season, you're either an Oriole diehard, a liar, or the proud possessor of a time machine.  In which case why haven't you gone back in time to invent the microchip or something and made so much money that you have better things to do than read this?

Don't Worry About: sp Rodrigo Lopez.  The 7.03 ERA looks ugly, but his strikeout/walk data is pretty good.  He's getting popped for some home runs and will have to adjust, but I think it's just a rough patch.

Go Ahead and Worry About: 1b Kevin Millar.  He's 34 years old and his hitting stats remind you of a lite version of Kevin McReynolds.  McReynolds burned out young.  That .218 might just be real.  For that matter, watch Jeff Conine too.

Outlook: Until they get a starting pitcher with an ERA below 4.50, it's gonna stay ugly.  Are any of these guys tradeable?  In July we might find out...

If They Were a Movie, They'd Be: "The American President."  Some solid professionals present, but really below average overall.

5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays (14-21, 7.5 games back)

MVP So Far: Jonny Gomes (.291-12-29), who is blatantly attempting to distract us from complaining about the way he spells both halves of his name wrong.  There's also Scott Kazmir (5-2, 2.94), who everytime I see his line I wish the Rays had simply issued each Mets fan a cyanide pill instead of trading us the now-injured Victor Zambrano

Don't Worry About: Rising gas prices.  Since those two are pretty much the only bright spots, you Tampa residents won't be driving out to enough games to worry about it.

Go Ahead and Worry: Because the team is hitting .234 with a 5.25 ERA.  I don't care if you have a young Rogers Hornsby, Carl Hubbell, Luis Aparacio, and Roy Hobbs in your farm system.  There's no positive spin for that.

Outlook: To continue making Floridians ask themselves "Is this why we pleaded so long for Major League Baseball?  Seriously?"

If They Were a Movie, They'd Be: "Wing Commander."  I see Carl Crawford as Freddie Prinz Jr. and Gomes as Matthew Lillard...

Next Time: The AL Central!  Because I'm just that organized.

I wanted to write some playoff commentary, but everybody's doing that.  Also, I chickened out of serious analysis.  Randomness works, too, as long as you attach a nice respectable number like "5" to it.

1. How can Steve Nash possibly be the MVP?  Look, I like Nash as much as you do, and a good point guard is hard to find, but my logic goes something like this:

a. Steve Nash is John Stockton Lite.

b. John Stockton never won the MVP, or ever really deserved it unless you count him as a duo with the Mailman.

c. Ergo, John Stockton Lite can't be the MVP unless his competition is significantly worse than John Stockton Classic's was.

d. Three (nearly four) players in the league averaged 30 points per game this season, an exceedingly rare feat.  So the competition was a-plenty.

e. And Nash isn't the MVP.  Simple, non?

2. If a point guard WAS the MVP, why was it Nash and not Billups?  Nash averaged 18.8 ppg, 10.5 assists, and 4.2 boards, with a 3/1 assist-to-turnover ratio.  Billups averaged 18.5, 8.6, and 3 boards, with a 4/1 ratio-- for the best team in the league.  Also remember that Nash compiled his numbers for the run n' gun Suns, while Billups acheived similar things at a more stolid pace.  It's true that Nash set that pace, but there were some conscious style decisions involved there, too.

Nash shot better, and Detroit's balance is already legendary, so he was probably more valuable to his team.  But Detroit only goes six or seven deep, so Chauncey was still carrying a big load.

I think Nash was slightly more valuable than Billups-- but only slightly.  It's certainly not a blowout, and if you're not blowing out Chauncey Billups, how are you better than Kobe, LeBron, and Dwayne Wade?  Don't tell me about how he's played in the playoffs; there's a separate award for that.

Unfortunately, I think the Nash-for-MVP vote reflects more on voters liking Nash's style of play than actually evaluating his merits.

3. If the Clippers make the Western Conference Finals, or even somehow shock Dallas or San Antonio and make it to the Grande Fiesta-- and at this point I would not rule anything out-- who takes over as the NBA's most comical franchise?

This year's worst teams, the Knicks and Blazers, have been too good, too recently.  The Raptors and Bobcats haven't been around long enough.  The Celtics are certainly trying these days, but they'd have to be bad for another 1,000 years to cast off their legacy.  The Warriors have a shot, but they won a championship as recently as the 70's and have boasted Mullins and Hardaways since.  The Wizards finished over .500 this year, and have Arenas.

I think it's got to be the Hawks.  Yeah, they won it once, but that was back in the 50's.  Yeah, they had Dominique, but even at the height of his powers, his team couldn't get past the Celtics.  They lost 56 games this year, and have no marketable veterans on the roster above the rank of Joe Johnson.  Atlanta it is.  At least they'll always have the Braves and their drive for a 157th consecutive NL East championship.

4. If you were going to cast NBA Players in the upcoming X-Men 3: The Last Stand blockbuster, who would you cast?  I'd have to say Kobe is Wolverine, the surly guy who'll cut you apart.  Tim Duncan is Cyclops, dependable if slightly dull.  Phil Jackson is Professor X, and I'd pay to see him shave his head for the part.  Amare Stoudamire is Jean Grey, hoping to come back to life in Phoenix.  Antoine Walker is Halle Berry's Storm, miscast in a role that's too small.  Dwight Howard is the Beast unleashed upon the league.  Kevin Garnett is Gambit, who missed out on appearing on the big screen.  And Ron Artest is Rogue, because the league  sees to it that severe penalties ensue when he touches anyone...

5. The Celtics once tanked an entire season for a shot at Tim Duncan.  They ended up with Chauncey Billups, who doesn't sound like a bad consolation prize now but he so impressed Rick Pitino that I believe he might have spent as much as 45 minutes in a Celtics uniform.  Now, after a really horrendous season, they have a whole 5 percent chance of winning the lottery again.  I really believe they might do it-- if only because pickings this year are so slim that they could easily use up their whole allotment of Leprechaun Luck for the next 20 years on a ping-pong ball and wind up with basically nothing to show for it.

It's tough being a Celtics fan.  Nobody feels sorry for you when you have 16 banners.  I think I'll go make fun of the Hawks for a while...

I was going to write about basketball today, but that was before space aliens took over the NFL Draft.

I'm still not entirely sure what happened.  Was the Reggie Bush snub so bizarre that teams threw their draft lists out the window and started picking rookies from a top hat?  Did it shatter the space-time continuum and result in draft picks from an alternate future or something?  Shouldn't we have been prepared for this, say with a Failsafe mechanism where if the Texans destroyed reality by failing to select Reggie Bush, President Henry Fonda would have to push the button and, with great sadness and regret, nuke Minute Maid Park for the good of humanity?

Well, that didn't happen, and now we have to live with the consequences.  Particularly if we are the New England Patriots.

Unlike in Summer, when my Mets fandom makes me something of a foreign national here, in fall I can blend in with the scenery, rooting for the Pats and Celtics.  Right now, those franchises can field about one good team between them, assuming Paul Pierce can play the defensive backfield.

Put it this way: What combination of Randall #### (45 career tackles), Artrell Hawkins (two interceptions in the last three years), Ellis Hobbs (munchkin), Hank Poteat (something Canadians eat), Chad Scott (ten games played in two years), Antwain Spann (Seussian character), and Eric Warfield (decent free-agent acquisition) do you really want lining up with Asante Samuel against Indianapolis in the dime package?  I sense more of Two-Way Troy Brown in the future.  In fact, does Troy have any siblings?  He might have to bring the whole family.

This could be part of Bill Belichick's master plan, of course.  He seems to LOVE tossing passes to linebackers and lining up nose tackles at fullback, and that's a swell joke on the league.  At what point, though, does Peyton Manning start laughing at you (not with you) while throwing his tenth and eleventh TD's of the first quarter?  I'm guessing right about here.

The Pats drafted consecutive tight ends in the third and fourth rounds, although the roster already included Ben Watson, Daniel Graham, and Mike Ditka.  Admittedly, the only corners drafted in that area were Northwestern's David Pittman (one pick after the Pats in the third) and Penn State's Alan Zemaitis (didn't he direct back to the future?) late in the fourth.  So it's not as though Night Train Lane was on the board.  But did Corey Dillon really need to be backed up RIGHT NOW, with a first round pick?  Did a placekicker need to be selected in the fourth round?  It seems there were better ways to arrange this...

Look, if anybody in the entire league deserves a benefit of the doubt, it's Belichick.  I concede that.  I wouldn't bet against him if he were coaching the Bad News Bears against the '27 Yankees... and that's not even his sport.  Doesn't matter.  He's that good. 

Also, as painful as it was to lose Vinatieri and McGinest this offseason, that's the kind of move you've got to make... exactly like his cutting of Lawyer Milloy a couple of years back.  McGinest was getting up there in years, and Vinatieri... is a kicker.  If I were an NFL GM, my first rule would be "we don't overpay for our kicker."  If our kicker happens to win two Super Bowls for us, well, see Rule Number One.  He's a kicker.

So I can forego my Heaven-Sent Right to Fangrumble for the most part.  I can say I'm on the same page with the Patriots most of the time.  But that draft... that was a strange one.

On the other hand, after a weekend that saw Bush headed to New Orleans, Matt Leinart drop to Arizona at #10, and the New York Giants burn a second-round compensatory pick on Wile E. Coyote, well, who's to say which end is up?

...added for the sake of completeness while contemplating whether the Mets might, possibly, move to a two-and-a-half-man starting rotation for a few months.  1908 wasn't that long ago, right?

2B- Bill Doran

You know what’s weird? The Astros have had a lot of great players: Bagwell and Biggio, Scott and Ryan and J.R. Richard, Billy Wagner and Dave Smith, Jim Wynn and Staub, Cedeno and Morgan, Jose Cruz and Glenn Davis... but when I think of the Houston Astros, the first image that comes to my head isn’t any of those guys. The first image is probably Billy Doran, a random 80’s second baseman along the lines of Marty Barrett or Jim Gantner. Well, he was better than them by a notch: Doran could hit and field, stole over 200 bases, walked more than he struck out, and had decent power that was largely masked by the Astrodome. Still... he’s a heck of a player to be my mental faceman for an organization that’s been around for 40 years. I miss him, all the same.

SS- Jose Uribe

I'd really rather not remember the Kevin Elster years, and Howard Johnson was a shortstop in the same sense that I am a duck: Sure, I can paddle with my feet and I can quack if I set my mind to it, but the effect just isn't the same.

So I'll reach back into my memory for San Francisco's Jose Uribe, who is notable for two things: 1) being better than you probably remember he was, and 2) sticking in my mind everytime Juan Uribe's name comes up in conversation, which happens to me more often than is probably considered reasonable by polite society.

3B- Wade Boggs

Began a string of consecutive 200-hit seasons in the Neolithic Era, when sports executives began fashioning crude luxury boxes out of gopher wood and using a special mixture of Gatorade, freshly-squeezed sweat socks, and tobacco-laden spit to produce primative juiced baseballs.  This streak lasted until the dawn of the Pre-Bling! era, and for a while, had us debating which of Boggs, Tony Gwynn, and Kirby Puckett would have hit for a higher average while sedated and tied to a chair with rabid crocodiles snapping at their legs (Answer: Kirby, at around .304. The other two were better, but that li'l sucker could hit anywhere).

But what I really remember about Boggs is 1987, when he suddenly turned into Flying Karate Boggs with Ninja Death Action, popping 24 homers.  When I turned over his baseball card for the first time, I seriously thought that was a typo.  (Didn't you?)

'87 was a goofy year all around, of course, a sort of Preview of Coming Attractions for Coors Field.  Its he biggest effect wasn't on the McGwires and Dale Murphys of the league: The real difference was that players like Raines and Boggs, dangerous even in a deadball league, became nuclear weapons when armed with a hoppy 'hide. It was the closest thing our generation will see to the time when deadball sluggers like Zack Wheat and Shoeless Joe Jackson were thrust suddenly into the live ball era. If Wade Boggs is slugging in the .500's, you're going to have an offense even if Steve Scarsone-- or, heck, Stellen Skaarsgard-- hits cleanup.

RF- Darryl Strawberry

Strawberry earns a mention as my first favorite player, which I guess only puts me in league with about a million other kids who grew up following the Mets around this period.  We gave him a lot of guff about the strikeouts, but after all the man had a strike zone the size of the People's Republic of China.  There are two swings from my baseball-watching career that I can recall perfectly with my eyes closed: Mike Piazza's lumberjack cut and Darryl's long, sweeping left-handed stroke.

He really-- actually, I need capital letters and italics here-- really REALLY should have won the MVP in 1988 over Kirk Gibson (I mean, Orel Hershiser I could have understood, or Will Clark, but Gibson?!).  Yes, it has been almost 20 years now.  Yes, I am still bitter.

LF- Vince Coleman

Okay, I don't really miss Vince Coleman very much, but I miss the speed game he personified-- which may have been Sabermetrically unsound, but was lotsa fun to watch-- and, more importantly, I miss hating the Cardinals.

You have to understand what it was like for a Mets fan in the 80's.  Whitey Herzog's St. Louis team was-- I say this with all respect for a canny manager and without the slightest hint of hyperbole-- the ultimate source of all evil in the Universe.

Of course, I realize they-- and most of the National League-- felt precisely the same way about the Mets.  And that's why I miss it.

I should toss in an Obligatory Reliever, so I'll use LHP Jesse Orosco, who spent so many years as the perfect fusion of Ed Vande Berg and Yoda that you may have forgotten what a fine lefty closer he was, back in the Day.  Teams would do that back then-- sometimes you'd have a lefty closer and a righty closer, and they'd both get 20 saves instead of one guy getting 40.  Worked like a charm.  Of course, if you tried it today, the media would say you had a "Bullpen by Committee" and there would be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Baseball's more fun without gnashed teeth.

Next time, we'll talk basketball.  Unless I forget to care, in which case I'll ramble.  Trust me, you'll prefer it that way.  When I try to make a point, I'm just annoying.

Some thoughts on ex-ballplayers, composed while a) thinking back on 20 years of baseball fandom, and b) expecting the Mets to lose, which pretty much sums up my 20 years of baseball fandom:

C- Gary Carter

The image of Gary Carter that stands out for me was his game-winning base hit in the first game of the ’88 NLCS against the Dodgers. Yeah, I know, the hit in the ’86 Series was bigger, but Gary Carter is my clearest lasting memory from the 1988 season, which was my first full season as a serious baseball fan.

Carter got off to such a hot start, it looked like he’d put the 1987 off year behind him, and had a great day at the plate against the Phillies on his birthday. Then he lost that game thanks to Juan Samuel's hidden-ball trick, and went utterly, completely, dead cold. He was stuck on 299 home runs, and didn’t hit one for months. I don’t know if it was the pressure of the milestone-- Gary was, I think, the sort of personality who would press for a mark like that-- or simply age catching up to him. But it was painful to watch, this great hitter the Mets had always relied upon struggling for just one more homer, any homer. I remember he hit at least one long foul down the line, in Shea I think... I was sure that was the blast. It would all go back to normal then.

The ball went foul. The slump continued. Finally, in a day game at Wrigley Field, Carter caught up with one and blasted number 300. He played a little better the rest of the year, I recall, but Mets fans... well, I... had lost confidence in him. Then he goes and wins our first playoff game with a ninth-inning hit.  That's baseball.

LHP- Frank Viola

Funniest pitcher to watch hit of my lifetime. The man could not tell a baseball bat from a stalk of cauliflower, and in fact might have stroked better with the veggies. He also had a really funky moustache, and having said that, I've made all the jokes that conscience will allow, because this sono####un could flat pitch.

RHP- David Cone

Favorite David Cone memory: Pitching against the Braves years ago, a call went against him at first base. He stopped and argued it with the umpire-- ignoring the fact that no time had been called. Both Braves runners scored. I listened to that game on the radio, and even as a Mets fan, I thought that was the coolest thing ever.

Least-favorite David Cone memory: Watching him sel####estruct in his brief 2003 comeback attempt. A little piece of my favorite team had been given back to me, only to get ripped away a few starts later. But even that had its bright spots: I won't forget a particular at-bat against Vladimir Guerrero in the first, most promising start of Coney's run: With the bases loaded, Cone started The Impaler off with a couple of balls, then got him to pop a couple foul. Then Guerrero swung for the Hudson River on a hunchbacked bender, generating the breeze that led to the cold front that changed global weather patterns and resulted in an ever-more-ferocious El Nino, which should kill us all around 2097. But until then, it remains a sweet moment.

1b- Glenn Davis

The Houston/Baltimore Glenn Davis trade of the early 90's was one of the wonkiest in history. The Astros didn't just get value for a guy about to go into decline, they got serious value: Schilling, Finley, and Harnisch. Yet it's hard to say they really cleaned up, because two of those guys went on to have their best years elsewhere. I do hope the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks sent Glenn a Series ring, though, or at least a thank-you note.

CF- Dale Murphy

I remember him as a sort of rival for Mike Schmidt; people spent much of the 1980's comparing their relative worth as boppers. Murphy was supposed to be one of the greatest guys in the league, but I (perhaps perversely?) always found myself in Schmidt's corner; mostly I thought his mustache was cooler than Murph's clean-shaven look. At the crucial moment, though, Dale gave me a shave of my own:

There was a game played in 1987... I was rooting for the Phillies and my boy Schmidt; my Uncle Bob had the Braves and Murphy. We got to arguing about it. My uncle ended the argument by saying "Well, watch him hit a grand slam right here."

And he did. Murphy went deep; the Braves went on to win. I never liked Dale Murphy after that, but I sure as heck respected him. (As for my uncle, I still suspect he set that up somehow, but I've never figured out the trick.  We had a VCR, but could he have pulled that off seamlessly?  Doubtful; back then, VCR's were considered about two steps below Artoo-Detoo on the tech scale... these days we have TiVo and use old VCR's as doorstops.)

I realize I owe you the other half of the team, including an entire double-play combination, but the Mets are having one of their occasional identity crises when they forget that they exist solely to make me cry.  I wouldn't want to miss that, so we'll pick this up again next time.  I leave you with my mother's comment on tonight's Mets/Giants game, in which the announcers have dissected Barry Bonds' health, by conservative estimate, 25 million times by the eighth inning:

"Maybe if they'd let him use steroids, his knees wouldn't hurt!"

And you wonder why I live in the past of the Pastime...