As requested by Chillicothe’s finest, the Prime Minister will conduct a lesson regarding the stink-stank-stunk for all things LSU. First I must offer this disclaimer to my family:

Please forgive me for the thrashing that I am about to impose upon the LSU nation and understand that it is necessary for me to defend THE Ohio State Buckeyes. I would also like assurances that I will not be harmed during any get togethers that may occur when I arrive in Louisiana on January 5th. Best wishes to all my faithful LSU family members, especially my cousin Buddy who actually attended LSU before he was dismissed for bringing his pet possum to class.

Ok, now onto the task at hand.

Much fuss has been made about the Buckeyes record in bowl games versus the SEC, their overall record versus the SEC, and guilty by association because they belong to the Big Ten conference which is inferior overall to the mighty SEC.

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I will address that pile of steaming warthog #### in another post. This post belongs to the Bayou Bengals and their loyal, although misled, fanbase. For those of you who are helping out with some comments on behalf of the Buckeyes or Tigers because your own teams are not playing for a title this year….Haaa-Ha (in my best Nelson voice).

Let’s begin with the name. What is in a name? People seem intrigued, amused, confounded, or even down right disgusted by the name "Buckeye". However, what the name "Buckeye" does represent within the CFB landscape is something unique. Holy ####, what a concept!! What were the trustees thinking back in the day when they came up with Buckeyes?? They should have came up with something more original. I don’t know…like maybe…the Tigers?? Nobody else would think of that one for sure……..

Oh wait it’s the Bayou Bengals. Hey that is original.What ever, it’s the Tigers and 27 other college teams in this country claim the Tiger as their mascot. Nice job. Why not the Gator? The whole lower half of La. is basically a swamp? Oh of course! The REAL champions of the SEC already claim the Gator as their own. You can’t imitate their success on the field, so why copycat their mascot? Right? ####, there are two teams in your own conference with that name. Original just like your coach.

Oh yeah the coach. The same coach that Tressel out coached in a bowl game three years ago with a freshman wide receiver playing half the game at QB? Yeah that’s the guy. Les "Peqeuno Sombrero" Miles. The guy who can’t remember who he talks to or what down it is half the time. Ohhhhh, I’m scared. I bet Tressel smoked a big fatty when he found out Miles was staying. Another Michigan chump to toast on a national stage. I smell something stinky boys and girls, and it ain’t your granny’s gumbo. It is the Les Miles game plan. LSU fans should be glad Pellini is leaving after the bowl game. Hell maybe the Tigers D can hold somebody under 500 yards for once. I hope my favorite NFL team doesn’t get any of those guys on draft day. That giant groan you hear on January 7th around 11:00PM CST will be the entire LSU nation realizing that the guy who just got waxed by a team from the Big Ten is staying in Baton Rouge for the foreseeable future. Nice job.

What does the state of Louisiana have to offer the rest of the country….nothing. Next! Ok, ok, there has to be something? Well the French Quarter is a blast! As long as you don’t get robbed or catch a venereal disease, it is g-o-o-d t-i-m-e-s. Hopefully you catch something that is at least curable, and doesn’t itch too much. Of course the Cajuns are very friendly and will show you much love and affection…as long as you are related to them and can bite the head off a swamp bat in one bite. Mmmmmmmmmm, please pass the swamp rat stew and pour me another glass of raccoon ####. Exquisite!!

And now a poem….ahem-hem…

The Tigers are in with their 9 and 2

The Buckeyes are in and much better than you

The game will be played in their own backyard

The Tiger fans will arrive by canoe, oxcart, and car

Thousands of Cajuns and backwater folks

Will make the trip to the Easy in their reptilian skin coats

Lets party with the Buckeyes before we kick their ####!

Buy them some drinks and smoke that bayou hash

The team will be hungover and not worth a damn

Just like last year, start out quick then WHAM!

Whoaaaa, time for a Corso, Not so fast my friend!

It will be the Buckeyes who are on top at the end.

The LSU speed is quite nice they say

With Gary Coleman returning kicks

And Matt Flynn leading the way.

Doucet, Byrd, and Hester are too fast for the Bucks

And that Dorsey guy…well he doesn't suck.

It will come down to Lil’ Animal and Gholston to stuff the attack

Leaving poor Hester flat on his back

Flynn will be sacked at least four times

And the whole LSU team will be left hearing the chimes…

Of old Carmen Ohio and the great victory bell

As the Tigers yell uncle after four hours of hell.

GO BUCKS!!!! Beat LSU!!!!

As you can plainly see, I don’t need funny pictures downloaded from other web-sites or regurgitated definitions from Wikipedia to make my point. The bottom line is that LSU and their overrated, media-darling defense will get shredded by Beanie Wells and Gholston will spend more time in the LSU backfield than Hester himself. The boys are wearing their Scarlet and coming to play, so shut your pie holes and get the F%@& out the way!

Ok, maybe just one picture.

Now that the bowl match-ups have been decided by people much wiser than anyone who hangs out in here, we might as well talk about the games.

Obviously, I am going to talk about one game. The BCS National Championship Game between THE Ohio State Buckeyes and the Louisiana State Bayou Bengals. Perhaps you have not had to pleasure of reading any of my previous scribble, so I will reiterate that my mother is from Shreveport, LA. Thus, a good portion of my family pays tribute to the Purple & Gold. Amazingly some were even able to graduate from that very school. Growing up in Ohio has warped my mind and the Buckeye Nation swayed me to their side long ago, however I still pull for the Tigers from time to time.

This will not be one of those times.

Let me refresh the listening audience regarding all the reasons OSU will be beaten like an English school- teacher in a Muslim country….

OSU is a team from the Big Ten conference that doesn’t have a single athlete that can run anything faster than a 6.2 forty. LSU, on the other hand, is from the most masterful college football conference of all time…The Ssssss Eeeeeeee Cccccccc (ominous James Earl Jones echo).

Every player in the SEC, including the punters and long snappers, can run a sub 4.5 forty. Ok, forget it, put us in the Holiday Bowl and let The Greatest Team of All Time w/ 2 losses, USC, play LSU for the title. Give the people what they want!!!! Right, %#@& the people, give Pete_Nice what he wants, OSU in the title game.

Ok where was I…oh right… OSU has never beaten an SEC team in a bowl game (O fer 8 y’all!). Well it ain’t happenen this year either. As I mentioned before, their long snapper can out run our fastest guy, so why show up? Well the gumbo and the ####’s are real nice in Nawlins , for one thing. Hopefully the Buckeye receivers and defensive backs can crack 5.0 on their forty times by game day, and might have a chance to make at least three tackles if the LSU players trip or something.

Les Miles will out coach Jim Tressel…..ok, I can’t even say that tongue-in-cheek. Better chance of him coaching the Wolverines next season than out-coaching The Senator. I just swallowed my gum.

The game will be played in Louisiana. Well that sucks. I sure hope at least a couple of hundred Buckeye fans make the trip. Nothing like spending thousands of dollars and travelling hundreds or thousands of miles to watch your team get spanked like a Bill Clinton intern. Thank you sir, may I please have another!!!???

They have already engraved the trophy with LSU’s name and this game is just a formality. Gee, that sounds familiar….

Glenn Dorsey will be healthy again by game day, and he can tackle the entire OSU offense by himself! WOW, now that will be worth the price of admission.

The super-fast, diminutive Trindon Holiday will run so fast, you will hear a sonic BOOM when he returns akick or punt for a touch down. Chris Leak might show up and throw one more TD pass for old times sake too. The LSU offense may never have to see the field.

And the number one reason OSU has no chance of winning the title game this year is….

They lost to Florida last year.

Stay tuned for a more serious blog concerning how crucial this game is for the Buckeyes.

Until then, enjoy the season, enjoy the sports, and enjoy each other.

*The views expressed in this blog do not necessarily represent the views of anyone else, nor do they really mean I think the Buckeyes will lose the NCG. Actually, I am pretty sure they will win. I was pretty sure they would win last year too. I was also pretty sure that K-Fed would go platinum, Britney would graduate from high school, Barry Bonds could read, Howard Stern goes to church, and Don Imus would be the next president of the NAACP. What's the line?