“Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws”- Plato
As with most civilized societies, laws exist to maintain order. Every state, province, and municipality worth visiting on vacation has rules, regulations and ordinances that are on the books for the population to coexist peacefully. Some are good and some regrettably are bad. There are two states in the contiguous 48 (I won’t list them here) where it is actually legal for humans to have sex with animals. I know this because I can read. Which makes me cringe when I think that someone had to actually propose that type of legislation, and a majority of the voters passed the referendum.
Whether good or bad, some laws have been accepted into being without the passage of legislation. These “unwritten laws” are rooted in common sense and accepted as the proper code of conduct. They advise us through such pertinent information that discretion is the better part of tugging on the cape of certain super heroes, spitting into the wind, and eating yellow snow.
Lately some unwritten laws have come to my attention that I feel need to be pointed out in writing. Some of these are sports oriented and some are not. Here are a few.
When running smack about your college team’s opponent before a big game, don’t besmirch the patriarch of college coaches. At a pep rally here in San Antonio before last week’s Alamo Bowl, a Yell Leader for the Texas A&M football team remarked that Joe Paterno, Penn State head football coach, who is 81, needed a coffin. Now, most people here know that I’m a Texas A&M fan when it comes to college sports, but even I know that you don’t make fun of Joe Paterno, even if he has been coaching the Nittany Lions since before the earth cooled. Paterno’s coaching legacy is above reproach. Throughout his tenure at Penn State, Paterno’s players have graduated at a rate upwards of 95%, and his teams are always competitive. This Aggie “pom-pom boy” has been tasting his Nikes since the comment was made, and the university apologized early and often as soon as the words left the idiots mouth. As an Aggie fan, I knew the game was lost days before the opening kickoff.
If you’re in the broadcast booth doing an NFL game, try, as difficult as it may be, to NOT show your bias. A few weeks ago the Pittsburgh Steelers were on the road playing a game in New England against the Patriots. Steelers cornerback Anthony Smith made a comment that the press misconstrued (I believe) as a guarantee that Pittsburgh would win the game. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, who called the game for CBS TV, without two brain cells between them apparently, all but displayed their preference for the Patriots to win. Late in the game when the Pats had the game in hand Smith’s name was mentioned as he made a tackle. Nantz, in his irritating, monotone drone, which just seems to drip with the “I’m better than you are” tone in his voice, said that Smith was “the one who ran his mouth” and referred to him as “stupid”. Unprofessional to say the least, and CBS should be ashamed.
If you’ve ever been charged with sexual assault, you probably shouldn’t use the word “violated” when describing the way you felt in your gym shorts. Los Angeles Laker guard Kobe Bryant used that word to describe the way he felt when the NBA made the Lakers wear old school “short” shorts for a recent game. Just a few years removed from a charge of sexual assault in Colorado, Bryant should have been more selective of his words. Which reminds me of a most ironic situation. Does anyone else find it ironic that a song entitled “Back Stabber” was recorded in the seventies by a group named “The O-Jays”?
If you’re going to sing a potentially embarrassing Christmas song, be sure no one is listening. I myself have recently violated this edict. Ever have a song on your mind that you just can’t get rid of, and worse yet, can’t stop singing it to yourself? Imagine the look on my face the other day when my office assistant Julie walked in at just the right time to hear me sing “Santa Baby, I’ve really been a very good girl”. Julie looked at me and said “Wow, all that’s missing is a falsetto voice register and a heel kick”.
One has to be a “person” to have “personality”. My sister used that word once to describe her Chihuahua. Call it a pet peeve of mine, but animals can not have personality. Our pets can be cute and described as cuddly, but they don’t have personality. They have individuality, even character, but not personality.
Here's one WRITTEN law that I would like to see erased from the books: Horse collar tackles are illegal. What a stupid rule this is. Does the NFL want us to believe that no player ever used this type of tackle before the Roy Williams/Terrell Owens incident a few years ago? I played football through junior high and high school and I've used that tackle technique and had it used on me about 1,000 times and I turned out, as 99% of the people who have ever played the game I think, just fine. A ridiculous rule instated because of player's astronomical salaries and owner's and GMs want to protect their investments.
The New England Patriots are at Buffalo tonight and favored by 15-½ points, to go 10-0 on the season. Even casual football fans are aware of the Patriots pursuit of an undefeated season. I’m sure if you were to ask Tom Brady, Randy Moss, or Bill Belichick (is that really how it’s spelled, belly-chick?) they’d each say their just taking them one game at a time, and each game one snap at a time, in their business like, lunch pail, blue collar, get the job done style.
However, one has to wonder after ten games, should New England win (and why shouldn’t they?), if in the private circles of the Patriots meetings and practices there aren’t murmurings and speculations about, dare to dream, what if they do go undefeated and surpass the record of 17-0 set by the ‘72 Miami Dolphins?
Wasn’t it Lexus whose ad slogan a few years ago was “The Relentless Pursuit of Perfection”? For what it’s worth, “perfection” is a term that’s overly used in the NFL and quite frankly, poorly defined. How many times have we been watching a game and hear John Madden or Troy Aikman, when referring to a pass completion say that so-and-so quarterback threw a “perfect” pass. So then what constitutes a perfect pass? Is it a nice tight spiral? If it is, then Anthony Wright has a bust destined for Canton. Most coaches and quarterbacks worth their salt, I believe, would say something to the effect of ‘a completion for positive yardage resulting in at least a first down, if not six points on the scoreboard’, whether it be a pretty ball, or an end-over-end toss reminiscent of Billy Kilmer’s Redskin career. Kilmer was renowned for throwing ‘ugly’ passes.
Antithetically speaking, this years edition of the Miami Dolphins are on a quest of another distinction, more dubious than exemplary. Miami is at Philadelphia to play the Eagles today and are 9-½ road underdogs to Philly. The Dolphins are 0-9 and may set the record for football futility if they finish the season winless at 0-16. How ironic would it be if the Patriots lose a game and the Dolphins go winless, making the same NFL franchise hold both records for going both undefeated (1972) and winless?
The St. Louis Rams won last week for the first time this season ruining the chance for two teams, them and the Dolphins, to go winless. If that had happened I would have been in favor of a one game postseason contest between the Rams and Dolphins. It could be called the Futility Bowl, but it would probably have ended in a 0-0 tie.
If there is any justice in the world, the Dolphins first win will be against the Patriots, putting an end to both probable streaks. I hope not.
All things considered, perfection, in football as in life, is virtually unattainable. We all have a love-hate relationship with our teams, which reminds me of something I told a very sweet girl once: It’s our imperfections that make us perfect for each other.
NBC Decided to go “green” on Sunday. All of their networks turned their logos green in an effort to draw attention to the environment, and the studio lights on the set of Football Night In America went dark and an eerie glow permeated the screen. Chris Collinsworth said something to the effect of “this lighting was meant for us” to Bob Costas. He may have been implying that the lighting, or absence thereof, was friendly to their less than attractive appearances, but rumor has it that after the show was over, he invited Costas out for a cocktail, ‘and maybe even something to drink‘.
Regarding Football Night In America, this show has me convinced of three things- One: Collinsworth, Jerome Bettis, and Tiki Barber were gifted athletes, but they make terrible football analysts. Two: Keith Olberman remains an obnoxious, pompous oaf. Three: Faith Hill could make me write bad checks.
Game of the week: New England and Indianapolis finally played THE game of the season. I personally was disappointed. This game was hyped for two weeks and both of these offensive juggernauts totaled a measly 44 points between them. I know, defense, defense, blah, blah, blah. I’m convinced Tom Brady has sold his soul to the devil. After Sunday’s game he has a quarterback rating of 131.8 for the season, with only 4 interceptions and is on pace to throw 66 touchdown passes, obviously the result of a deal with Beelzebub himself.
Game of the weak:The Texans beat Oakland 24-17. I’m a Texans fan (we are few but proud) and this game was not shown in the San Antonio viewing area. Apparently the local CBS affiliate thought the other game of the week in Indianapolis was more important. Texans RB Ron Dayne ran for 122 yards on 21 carries. Texan fans at the Battle Red Blog have given Dayne the nickname “London Bridge” for the way he falls down so easily. How bad is the Raiders run defense then? The Texans have a bye next week. The early line from Vegas is that “bye” is favored by 3.
The Browns gone from a 3-13 record last year to a 5-3 record after only 8 games. Cleveland fans don’t know how to act. First the Cavs make the NBA finals, then the Indians make it all the way to the ACLS, which can only mean the AFC title game has a reservation marked “Cleveland” at the table, right?
Detroit beat Denver 44-7. The 37 point gap was the most lopsided score of any game last weekend. What kind of job is Matt Millen doing now? The more appropriate question may be what kind of leader is Jon Kitna? The type every team should have.
The Cowboys beat the Eagles 38-17. I’ve just about decided that Wade Phillips is the benefactor of Bill Parcell’s tenure in Dallas. I mean Phillips’ past record as a head coach is just barely above .500 (I believe), and here Dallas is at 7-1 after Sunday night’s game? Is Wade that good a coach, or was the talent there when he got there and he just plugged in his system? Remember, the Cowboys’ Offensive Coordinator, Jason Garrett, was hired by Jerry Jones, not Phillips.
After starting out the season 0-4, the Saints have reeled off four strait Ws and are now at .500, just one game behind the first place Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who at 5-4 lead the NFC South arguably the worst division in the NFL.
The Steelers beat the Ravens 38-7. The Steelers have what I think are the best throwback uniforms of any team in the NFL, for what it’s worth (not much).
This season all the quarterbacks have a lime green inventory dot on the back of their helmets. Can someone tell me why? This would have come in handy in the early 90s when Thurman Thomas of the Bills misplace his helmet in the Super Bowl against Dallas.
The Texans looked good early, but ended up getting fooled, schooled and ruled by Jacksonville to the tune of 37-17. This was a division game. Speaking of divisions, the AFC South has to be the most competitive division in the NFL. Houston is at the bottom with a 3-3 record. That would be good enough for first place in the AFC West, and the AFC South is the only division that does not have a team with a record under.500.
Vinny Testaverde, he of the Geritol patch and AARP membership, quarterbacked the Carolina Panthers to a win against the Arizona Cardinals today. I didn’t see the game, but it must have been interesting to see the Panthers’ offensive line keep their blocks without knocking over Testaverde’s walker.
As I type this the Seahawks and Saints are playing on NBC’s Football Night In America’s Sunday Night Football. Before the game, Seahawks fullback Mack Strong raised the figurative 12th man flag (a feature totally jacked from my Texas A&M Aggies, by the way) to cheers of the fans. Strong has had to retire this week after a 15 (I think it’s fifteen) year career. Strong has been a fan favorite in Seattle his whole career. One of the coolest things about Strong is his name. Isn’t “Mack Strong” the perfect name for a football player? Or maybe a private eye?
The Coors Light commercials where they show goofs asking questions at a mock press conference that are answered by edited shots of former NFL coaches have been running all night on NBC. At first they were kind of funny, now they just suck out loud. I wish the MLB playoffs were on.
I would be remiss if I did not mention the Patriots dismantling of the Dallas Cowboys earlier today. New England beat Dallas 48-27. I don’t have anything of value to say, I just don’t like being remiss.
Tony Gonzalez of the Kansas City Chiefs set the record today for most TD catches by a tight end in NFL history. The CBS pre-game show gang, specifically Boomer Esiason and Dan Marino were joking with their cohort Shannon Sharpe about him possibly being sad because he held the record that Gonzalez broke. I get sad every time I watch the CBS pre-game show, because Sharpe is so hard to understand. He should look into English as a second language.
The Atlanta Falcons play the New York Giants on Monday Night Football tomorrow night. I have nothing to say about that game, but I was planning on a trip to New York next year, but I would have to get the wicks on my tiki torches trimmed. I cancelled my trip when I called New York and they told there wasn’t a Tiki Barber anywhere in New York.
