“Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws”- Plato


As with most civilized societies, laws exist to maintain order. Every state, province, and municipality worth visiting on vacation has rules, regulations and ordinances that are on the books for the population to coexist peacefully. Some are good and some regrettably are bad. There are two states in the contiguous 48 (I won’t list them here) where it is actually legal for humans to have sex with animals. I know this because I can read. Which makes me cringe when I think that someone had to actually propose that type of legislation, and a majority of the voters passed the referendum.

Whether good or bad, some laws have been accepted into being without the passage of legislation. These “unwritten laws” are rooted in common sense and accepted as the proper code of conduct. They advise us through such pertinent information that discretion is the better part of tugging on the cape of certain super heroes, spitting into the wind, and eating yellow snow.

Lately some unwritten laws have come to my attention that I feel need to be pointed out in writing. Some of these are sports oriented and some are not. Here are a few.

When running smack about your college team’s opponent before a big game, don’t besmirch the patriarch of college coaches. At a pep rally here in San Antonio before last week’s Alamo Bowl, a Yell Leader for the Texas A&M football team remarked that Joe Paterno, Penn State head football coach, who is 81, needed a coffin. Now, most people here know that I’m a Texas A&M fan when it comes to college sports, but even I know that you don’t make fun of Joe Paterno, even if he has been coaching the Nittany Lions since before the earth cooled. Paterno’s coaching legacy is above reproach. Throughout his tenure at Penn State, Paterno’s players have graduated at a rate upwards of 95%, and his teams are always competitive. This Aggie “pom-pom boy” has been tasting his Nikes since the comment was made, and the university apologized early and often as soon as the words left the idiots mouth. As an Aggie fan, I knew the game was lost days before the opening kickoff.

If you’re in the broadcast booth doing an NFL game, try, as difficult as it may be, to NOT show your bias. A few weeks ago the Pittsburgh Steelers were on the road playing a game in New England against the Patriots. Steelers cornerback Anthony Smith made a comment that the press misconstrued (I believe) as a guarantee that Pittsburgh would win the game. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, who called the game for CBS TV, without two brain cells between them apparently, all but displayed their preference for the Patriots to win. Late in the game when the Pats had the game in hand Smith’s name was mentioned as he made a tackle. Nantz, in his irritating, monotone drone, which just seems to drip with the “I’m better than you are” tone in his voice, said that Smith was “the one who ran his mouth” and referred to him as “stupid”. Unprofessional to say the least, and CBS should be ashamed.

If you’ve ever been charged with sexual assault, you probably shouldn’t use the word “violated” when describing the way you felt in your gym shorts. Los Angeles Laker guard Kobe Bryant used that word to describe the way he felt when the NBA made the Lakers wear old school “short” shorts for a recent game. Just a few years removed from a charge of sexual assault in Colorado, Bryant should have been more selective of his words. Which reminds me of a most ironic situation. Does anyone else find it ironic that a song entitled “Back Stabber” was recorded in the seventies by a group named “The O-Jays”?

If you’re going to sing a potentially embarrassing Christmas song, be sure no one is listening. I myself have recently violated this edict. Ever have a song on your mind that you just can’t get rid of, and worse yet, can’t stop singing it to yourself? Imagine the look on my face the other day when my office assistant Julie walked in at just the right time to hear me sing “Santa Baby, I’ve really been a very good girl”. Julie looked at me and said “Wow, all that’s missing is a falsetto voice register and a heel kick”.

One has to be a “person” to have “personality”. My sister used that word once to describe her Chihuahua. Call it a pet peeve of mine, but animals can not have personality. Our pets can be cute and described as cuddly, but they don’t have personality. They have individuality, even character, but not personality.

Here's one WRITTEN law that I would like to see erased from the books:   Horse collar tackles are illegal.   What a stupid rule this is.  Does the NFL want us to believe that no player ever used this type of tackle before the Roy Williams/Terrell Owens incident a few years ago?  I played football through junior high and high school and I've used that tackle technique and had it used on me about 1,000 times and I turned out, as 99% of the people who have ever played the game I think, just fine.  A ridiculous rule instated because of player's astronomical salaries and owner's and GMs want to protect their investments.

I need a nap.

Thanks for reading.

OSL