Choosing the nickname for a professional sports team is very serious business. Teams need to make sure that the name has some team-specific significance, that it isn’t too corny, and that it is not confusing to fans. Unfortunately, New Zealand’s badminton team, affectionately known as the Black ####, didn’t pay attention to the last rule. Some American teams also chose to ignore these rules when they chose a name. Here, in no particular order, are the lamest team nicknames accompanied with suggestions for more appropriate ones.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Reports are that the team will be changing its name in the off-season. If there is any team that needs a name change to assist with an image makeover it is Tampa Bay. All around baseball, the name Devil Rays is synonymous with sucking.
Suggestion: Tampa Bay Tangerines
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Perhaps the most confusing name in all of professional sports. Not only does the team have two cities in its name, but it also has its nickname repeated. The Spanish translation for “the angels” is Los Angeles. So I present to you, The Angels Angels of Anaheim. Huh?
Suggestion: Los Angeles Traffic
Utah Jazz
This nickname made sense when the team was located in New Orleans, which is the birthplace of jazz music. Now in Utah, a musical nickname just doesn’t seem appropriate.
Suggestion: Utah Salt Lakes
Houston Texans
So the people who came up with this nickname weren’t exactly geniuses; but unlike some other teams, at least their nickname has some relevance to the team’s location. Still, Houston gets a negative 10 for lack of creativity.
Suggestion: Houston Wranglers
Connecticut Sun (WNBA)
Is it ever even sunny in Connecticut? This name is fine for Phoenix but doesn’t fit at all for a team based in the northeast.
Suggestion: Connecticut Colds
Colorado Rockies
Probably one of the most obvious nicknames in sports. Is Colorado known for anything besides the Rocky Mountains? Okay, maybe Coors beer but besides its beer, Colorado loves its mountains.
Suggestion: Colorado Black Diamonds
Charlotte Bobcats
The newest team in the NBA had a chance to make a real splash with its nickname. Somehow the team settled on the made-for-movie fake team name, Bobcats. This name just reminds me too much of the Miami Sharks from “Any Given Sunday.”
Suggestion: Charlotte Independence
Minnesota Wild (NHL)
What is so wild about Minnesota? Apparently not much or the North Stars wouldn’t have bolted to Dallas. Even though wild in this case refers to a vast open area, which is precisely what this name is: too vast. Something more specific would be a good start.
Suggestion: Minnesota Rolling Rocks
Toronto Raptors
Toronto isn’t a very good team, but its nickname might be worse. From what I know a Raptor is a small dinosaur from the prehistoric age. What Toronto and dinosaurs have in common is beyond me. Also, if they were going to choose a dinasaur name, why not go for something more ferocious like the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Raptors just don’t seem to strike much fear in people.
Suggestion: Toronto Parliament
Washington Wizards
I liked the team a lot better when it was called the Bullets. Now that was a sweet name. Wizards just sounds a little too geeky. Watch out, they might try to cast a spell on you.
Suggestion: Washington Congressmen
Cleveland Browns The worst color in the world seems appropriate for one of the worst teams in the world. The color brown is so blah. Which also describes the Browns’ play.
Suggestion: Cleveland Industrials
Atlanta Thrashers (NHL)
According to the dictionary, a thrasher is any of various New World songbirds related to the mockingbird. What, are the intimidating Thrashers going to sing you to death? Even though Hawks and Falcons are already taken by their respective NBA and NFL counterparts, any other bird besides a mockingbird would have done the trick.
Suggestions: Atlanta Vultures
New York Red Bulls (MLS)
Anytime a corporation sneaks its name into a team’s nickname it isn’t a good thing. Red Bulls would be pretty cool if it was a made up name and not the name of an energy drink.
The Mouth of the South(side) is at it again. Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, known for his less than able ability to bite his tongue, might have just crossed into uncharted territories. Ozzie dropped the F-bomb. No, not that four letter expletive, which coincidently is just as common in his vocabulary as hit, steal and bunt. Nope, Ozzie decided to drop the term “####” to describe Chicago-Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti. See, Ozzie was upset with Mariotti’s constant criticism of his managing and handling of his team, so he did what any other grown man would do- resorted to name calling. But name calling isn’t something new to Ozzie. Just this last summer, he called Alex Rodriguez a hypocrite for not choosing what team he was going to play for in the inaugural World Baseball Classic. He later retraced that statement by claiming he didn’t really understand the definition of the word hypocrite. To understand Ozzie you need to know that the Venezuelan native uses his mouth as quick as Speedy Gonzalez uses his feet. He has a tendency to speak very fast, which combined with a heavy accent and unashamed use of curse words make this one hard guy to understand. The never-quote-shy Guillen decided to outdo himself and put his foot in his mouth once again, except this time he might have jammed that foot all the way down his throat. The exact quote out of the manager’s mouth, in reference to Mariotti, “What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] ####.” Easy there fella’. What Ozzie didn’t realize is that in our country calling someone a derogatory homosexual name is almost as taboo as bunting with two strikes- you just don’t do it. #### and Lesbian Rights organizations are going to have a field day with this one, I can just feel it. When confronted by reporters questioning his choice of words, Ozzie decided to go with his bread and better excuse of not knowing what the term “####” meant to Americans. He said, “I don't have anything against those people. In my country, you call someone something like that and it is not the same as it is in this country.'' When all else fails, deny deny deny. Judging by this picture above it looks like Ozzie isn’t afraid of a little manly affection from time to time. Ozzie isn’t as dumb as he looks. I understand there is somewhat of a language barrier involved being that he was born in South America, but you don’t have a very productive MLB career, become manager of a team at his age, and lead that team in just his second season to the World Series without being somewhat intelligent. Maybe Ozzie is given more slack from reporters because of his broken-English, but they are idiots if they continue to fall for his “I didn’t know” nonsense. The best part about this whole story is what Ozzie said to apparently defend his anti-homophobic attitude. According to Ozzie, he has #### friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert, and plans on going to the #### Games in Chicago. He attends WNBA games does he? Judging by his comments, it would lead us to believe that lesbians are ever present at WNBA games. Easy Ozzie, Sheryl Swoops is the only openly #### player in the league, so I would be careful about assuming that lesbians are swarming all over that league. Even if they are, no one is stupid enough to say it, well, except for Ozzie.
Choosing the nickname for a professional sports team is very serious business. Teams need to make sure that the name has some team-specific significance, that it isn’t too corny, and that it is not confusing to fans. Unfortunately, New Zealand’s badminton team, affectionately known as the Black 
The Mouth of the South(side) is at it again. Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, known for his less than able ability to bite his tongue, might have just crossed into uncharted territories. Ozzie dropped the F-bomb. No, not that four letter expletive, which coincidently is just as common in his vocabulary as hit, steal and bunt. Nope, Ozzie decided to drop the term “
