Barry Bonds’ personal trainer Greg Anderson is headed back to prison. This is Anderson’s third trip to prison in less than a year. He is starting to feel more at home there than Bonds does in the Giants' clubhouse. For whatever the reason, Anderson is refusing to testify in court about Bonds. So why is Anderson sacrificing his free-life at the expense of baseball’s most vilified man? Here are a few possible theories:

10) The prison baseball system has a very lenient drug-testing policy, so Anderson’s chances of getting caught for supplying steroids to players just dropped 75 percent.

9) “He’s resigned to do whatever it takes to maintain his integrity,” said his attorney Paula Canny. Oh, so I guess Anderson’s integrity involves lying and cheating then.

8) He gets to make cool vanity license plates for his friends. Some of his previous work includes CHEAT25, ROIDRGE, and NOTGLTY.

7) “My Buddy, My Buddy, Wherever I go, he goes, My Buddy, My Buddy, I’ll teach him everything I know.” Since owning the My Buddy doll as children, the two made a pact to always stay best buds, and like the song says, Bonds might soon be following his friend into prison.

6) Bonds threatened to sit on Anderson’s head if he opened his mouth.

5) Anderson enjoys prison. Growing up around Bonds he was forced to become accustomed to an arrogant, selfish, not to mention large and sweaty person. This coincidently sounds very similar to the entire prison population, so Anderson should fit in famously.

4) 18 months should be long enough for Anderson to finally finish reading “Game of Shadows.”

3) Anderson needed some time to come up with cooler names for his future steroid concoctions besides “the cream” and “the “clear” which aren’t very hip according to today’s standards.

2) It beats working. With the steroid market plummeting this year, Anderson was forced to take a job as peanut vendor at A####mp;T Park.

1) Bonds’ has promised his friend something real nice if he rides out the prison sentence instead of testifying against him. Judging by Bonds’ history of kindness and generosity, Anderson isn’t going to be too stoked when a shiny new black Prius shows up in his driveway. Thanks for the thought Barry!      www.oldskoolsports.com

www.oldskoolsports.com

The mid-season report cards are in. Find out if your team is making the grade and see which player is bringing down the class average.  We all know which players are All-Stars so let’s take a look at those not pulling their weight. From an AWOL player to a deer meat fiasco, it’s all here.  

 Boston Red Sox

Mid-Season Grade: A

Least Valuable Player: Coco Crisp

It’s hard to find fault in a guy who has been injured for a great portion of the season, but Crisp has been making it difficult for Boston fans to forget Johnny Damon. Maybe he should grow a beard and his hair out long. Just an idea.

New York Yankees

Grade: B-

LVP: Randy Johnson, Shawn Chacon, Carl Pavano

For as good as the Yankees hitting has been their pitching as been equally as bad. All this talk about them adding another bat is just ridiculous. Unless Barry Zito comes knocking, the Yankees will be watching the playoffs from their homes.

Toronto Blue Jays

Grade: B

LVP: A.J. Burnett

This season Burnett is making a little more than one million dollars per inning pitched. Remember in the off-season when baseball people everywhere said that this guy has great stuff but can’t ever seem to stay healthy? Well, apparently everyone but the entire Blue Jays front office.

Baltimore Orioles

Grade: D

LVP: Leo Mazzone

The Orioles have one of the game’s best and most respected pitching coaches in Mazzone. The Orioles pitching staff currently ranks near the bottom of the league in ERA. Something isn’t adding up.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Grade: C+

LVP: Aubrey Huff

This guy plays the first half of each season like he is awaking from a tranquilizer shot. He somehow decides to start hitting right before the All-Star break and goes on a tear for three months, just to make sure that he doesn’t get cut in the off-season. 

 Detroit Tigers

Grade: A+

LVP: Dmitri Young

The best thing to happen to the Tigers this year was Young going AWOL after being sought by police for failing to appear in court. Which wasn’t quite as embarrassing as the “Hot Dog Incident” in Milwaukee a few years back. The further Young stays away from this team, the better.

Chicago White Sox

Grade: A

LVP: Jon Garland

After winning 18 games and making himself a perennial Cy Young contender, Garland got paid handsomely by the Sox and suddenly started to suck. Wow, I haven’t seen this happen ever. He currently has an ERA of 5.37 yet has managed 8 wins due in large part to a potent offense. Someone owes Thome, Konerko and Dye a round of drinks.

Minnesota Twins

Grade: B

LVP: The entire starting staff besides Santana and Liriano

I think Santana has a long lost twin, and it turns out that it is Liriano. These two guys are mirror images of each other- no one can hit them. The Twins might have the two filthiest lefties in the game, but the rest of their staff is a sight for sore eyes.

Cleveland Indians

Grade: D

LVP: Bob Wickman

The most underachieving team of the year by far. They were supposed to make a run at the World Series this year and instead sit in front of the lowly Royals. They stay have a solid base of youngsters to build around, but Bob “Heavyweight” Wickman and his 4.50 ERA isn’t doing much but clogging the buffet line after games.

Kansas City Royals

Grade: F

LVP: Mark Grudzielanek

The Royals were expected to be one of the worst team’s in baseball and so far they are doing what’s expected. I have zero sympathy for Grudzielanek, who turned down offers from playoff bound teams to join Kansas City for more money. Maybe with that extra money he can buy some common sense.

Oakland Athletics

Grade: B-

LVP: Milton Bradley

Bradley was supposedly the guy the A’s needed in the middle of the lineup to put them over the top. So far Bradley has spent more time in AAA on rehab assignments than he has in the Oakland outfield. At least he hasn’t choked a fan or fought a teammate- yet.

Texas Rangers

Grade: B-

LVP: Mark Teixeira

This guy is killing my fantasy team. Not only is Teixeira the biggest bust in fantasy baseball this year, but he might be the biggest bust in real baseball as well. After hitting 43 dingers last year he has managed only 9 this year. Can someone say power outage?

Los Angeles Angels

Grade: D

LVP: Jeff Weaver

In 20 years, “Who is Jeff Weaver” will be the answer to this Jeopardy sports question- “This former Angel was joined by his younger brother in the starting rotation only to be subsequently replaced by his brother weeks later, creating one of the most awkward situations in all of sports.” Ding ding ding.

Seattle Mariners

Grade: C+

LVP: Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre

These two are the Bash Brothers of Bust. Seattle shelled out some serious dough only to see them flail at more breaking balls than Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000. If Sexson and Beltre combine for a .500 BA, fireworks might ensue.

New York Mets

Grade: A

LVP: Jose Lima

Lima Time is the worst thing to happen to NY since Mo Vaughn. If he pitched half as well entertained, Met fans might have something to cheer for. Will Lima ever help the Mets in this lifetime? No way Jose.

Philadelphia Phillies

Grade: D+

LVP: Gavin Floyd

Brett Myers would be the obvious choice based on his off-field problems. I’ve decided to cut him some slack and put the blame on the guy with the 7 plus ERA. Not only is Floyd supposed to be good but he is supposed to be a stud. Perhaps Mitch Williams should get another shot in Philly.

Atlanta Braves

Grade: D-

LVP: Whoever is the closer

The two biggest mistakes the Braves have made in recent years. 1) Allowing Leo Mazzone to leave and 2) removing John Smotlz from the closer’s role and putting him back in the starting rotation. Since both of these happened I think the Braves have about as many blown saves as Jeff Francoeur has strikeouts.

Florida Marlins

Grade: B+

LVP: Ownership

The Marlins’ owners got rid of anything they could in the off-season if it saved them money. I heard even the left over hot dogs were pawned off. Despite that, this young team of inexperienced players is sticking it to the man by playing some very good ball. In a few years Florida will compete for a championship and like clockwork be torn apart from head to toe. Count on it.

Washington Nationals

Grade: C

LVP: Jose Guillen

Guillen is either the most inconsistent player in history or the smartest man alive. If he is playing for a bad team he coasts through games and sulks enough to the point that a contending team takes a chance and trades for him. Then he hits the #### out of the ball and earns himself millions of extra dollars on his next contract. I saw it happen when he arrived in Oakland via Cincinnati and I bet it happens again this year.

St. Louis Cardinals

Grade: B-

LVP: Mark Mulder

When Mulder is pitching worse than Sidney “Big Boy” Ponson your team has a problem. Their solution? Trade for Jeff Weaver and his 6.30 ERA. For as good as the Cards have been, their pitching has been nothing short of disgusting. Someone page Rick Ankiel, quickly.

Cincinnati Reds

Grade: B+

LVP: Eddie Guardado

Everyday Eddie has yet to blow a save for the Reds yet, but he blows games like he gets paid for it. Luckily the Reds are used to blown saves so the transition for their fans should be an easy one.

Milwaukee Brewers

Grade: B

LVP: Ben Sheets

Ben Sheets throws fastballs like Roger Clemens but spends as much time on the DL as Kerry Wood. Even Bob Uecker gets more nervous when Sheets pitches than he does around his alleged stalker. Get Sheets healthy and the Brewers have themselves a squad.

Houston Astros

Grade: C

LVP: Roger Clemens

Just think if Clemens actually committed to his team and pitched the entire season for them, how much better they would be right now. If Houston doesn’t make the playoffs, the team should ask Roger for a refund. Their not paying him to finish in fourth, that’s for sure.

Chicago Cubs

Grade: F

LVP: Dusty Baker

Is there a more hated man in Chicago right now? Forget Steve Bartman, Baker better get out before someone shoots him in the back on the way to the pitcher’s mound. The Cubs need to blow up Wrigley Field, fire the whole team and just start all over again. Oh and bringing back Harry Carey’s ghost wouldn’t hurt either.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Grade: F

LVP: Oliver Perez and Zach Duke

The Pirates just aren’t very good. Luckily the All-Star Game is in Pittsburg or they might be in danger of not selling out a single game in stadium history. Just when the team thought they were turning it around, anchored by studs Perez and Duke, these two decided flamed out big time. If only Jason Bay could pitch.

San Diego Padres

Grade: B

LVP: Jake Peavy

If someone knows what is wrong with Peavy they should let him know. If not, he is in danger of being out pitched by Chan #### Park. Yes, the same Chan #### Park who had an ERA of like 8.00 in Texas.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Grade: B

LVP: Danys Baez

At the beginning of the season Baez said he was unhappy about not closing. Then when Eric Gagne goes down and he is made the closer, he can’t hit the side of a barn. Apparently the pressure in LA, where games actually count, is a little more intense than in Tampa Bay

Colorado Rockies

Grade: B-

LVP: Clint Barmes

Ever sine the deer meat fiasco, Barmes has not been the same player. He went from future All-Star to flirting with the Mendoza line in a blink of an eye. Even in Colorado he is still managing a .208 average. That has to be some kind of record. I think Mike Hampton hit like .275 when played there.

San Francisco Giants

Grade: C-

LVP: Barry Bonds

Let’s face it, Bonds isn’t the same Bonds of five years ago. He is on pace to be the most overmatched defense player in history. Barry plays about as much D as Stephon Marbury does on the basketball court. Will someone please get him a wheelchair already?

Arizona Diamondbacks

Grade: C-

LVP: Russ Ortiz

Ortiz doesn’t have to pitch another day in his life and will still be paid about $20 million. The way he was pitching before being released looked like he was getting paid per run allowed. But coincidently the Diamondbacks record started to plummet at the same time Ortiz was released. Some things just don’t make any sense.

www.oldskoolsports.com

www.oldskoolsports.com

Barry Bonds might have made history on Sunday and passed Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list, but the baseball Gods still had the last laugh.  Besides the record breaking shot to center, not much went right for Bonds, or the Giants.  Coincidence- I think not.  The Curse of the Bambino may soon be supplanted by the Hex of Hammerin' Hank.

 There is no Giants’ announcer radio call of the homerun

Amazingly right after the ball rocketed off of Bonds’ bat, the microphone in the radio booth went out.  “He hits it…… (silence)………”  Nothing but silence.  There will be no Giants' historic replay of the home run, ever, because it doesn’t exist.  Did a disgruntled employee pull the plug on the cord?  Did the Giants radio announcer fall out of his chair and drop his microphone, or choke on a peanut?  We will never know.  But we do know that we are sparred from having to listen to the call on Sportscenter everyday for the next year.  The only thing that would be worse than that is listening to Allen Iverson talk about practice, over and over and over.

Meet the Beer Man 

Andrew Morbitzer went to the Giants game to presumably root on his favorite team and maybe have an opportunity to witness history.  So where was Mr. Morbitzer when Bonds came to the plate in the bottom of fourth-inning?  In line for a beer at the concession stand.  A hardcore, season ticket-holding, Bonds fanatic didn’t catch the ball.  Nope, a computer software marketing director who left his seat ended up with it after the ball happened to fall past the outfield bleachers and right into his hands.  I now proclaim him, The Beer Man.  I bet his beer never tasted so good.  With the money he will make from selling the ball, Morbitzer won’t be drinking Bud Light for long.  I don’t think anyone has gotten this lucky since the Red Sox beat the Yankees in the ALCS.

The Giants are in last place

Let’s be honest here, the Giants just aren’t very good.  They currently sit in last place in their division and boast a roster of senior citizens, and their biggest draw for fans might be their biggest setback as a team.  Bonds’ is holding the Giants down.  Anytime your star hitter is batting .250 with only 20 RBIs, you might be in trouble.  Teams no longer fear Bonds like they used to, and it’s with reason.  Why pitch around a guy who can’t hit?  So what if he passed Ruth, it didn’t help his team win the game.  As long as Bonds is on the Giants, clogging up their payroll and limping around the outfield, the rest of the NL West is going to get the last laugh.  Babe Ruth has seven World Series rings.  Bonds has zero.  Someone isn’t exactly helping their team win.  You can guess who.

Bonds is breaking down

Age has finally caught up to him.  There is no way that at this pace Bonds can play the rest of this year, let alone a full season next year, which is what it would take to pass Aaron.  The great ones know when it is time to hang up their spikes.  Hopefully Bonds does too, before he does something crazy like mess with baseball’s most historic record.  Here’s a bet that Bonds’ knee catches up to him before he can get to 755.  At least if the Hex of the Hammerin' Hank has anything to do with it.

Albert Pujols

The record book may be being broken by Bonds right now, but Pujols is in the process of already eliminating those feats.  The guy is on pace to break Bonds’ single-season home run record and given a healthy career could legitimately end up as baseball’s all-time home run king.  So let Bonds enjoy this while he can, because his name might soon sit in second place for ever.