Choosing the nickname for a professional sports team is very serious business. Teams need to make sure that the name has some team-specific significance, that it isn’t too corny, and that it is not confusing to fans. Unfortunately, New Zealand’s badminton team, affectionately known as the Black ####, didn’t pay attention to the last rule. Some American teams also chose to ignore these rules when they chose a name. Here, in no particular order, are the lamest team nicknames accompanied with suggestions for more appropriate ones.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Reports are that the team will be changing its name in the off-season. If there is any team that needs a name change to assist with an image makeover it is Tampa Bay. All around baseball, the name Devil Rays is synonymous with sucking.
Suggestion: Tampa Bay Tangerines
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Perhaps the most confusing name in all of professional sports. Not only does the team have two cities in its name, but it also has its nickname repeated. The Spanish translation for “the angels” is Los Angeles. So I present to you, The Angels Angels of Anaheim. Huh?
Suggestion: Los Angeles Traffic
Utah Jazz
This nickname made sense when the team was located in New Orleans, which is the birthplace of jazz music. Now in Utah, a musical nickname just doesn’t seem appropriate.
Suggestion: Utah Salt Lakes
Houston Texans
So the people who came up with this nickname weren’t exactly geniuses; but unlike some other teams, at least their nickname has some relevance to the team’s location. Still, Houston gets a negative 10 for lack of creativity.
Suggestion: Houston Wranglers
Connecticut Sun (WNBA)
Is it ever even sunny in Connecticut? This name is fine for Phoenix but doesn’t fit at all for a team based in the northeast.
Suggestion: Connecticut Colds
Colorado Rockies
Probably one of the most obvious nicknames in sports. Is Colorado known for anything besides the Rocky Mountains? Okay, maybe Coors beer but besides its beer, Colorado loves its mountains.
Suggestion: Colorado Black Diamonds
Charlotte Bobcats
The newest team in the NBA had a chance to make a real splash with its nickname. Somehow the team settled on the made-for-movie fake team name, Bobcats. This name just reminds me too much of the Miami Sharks from “Any Given Sunday.”
Suggestion: Charlotte Independence
Minnesota Wild (NHL)
What is so wild about Minnesota? Apparently not much or the North Stars wouldn’t have bolted to Dallas. Even though wild in this case refers to a vast open area, which is precisely what this name is: too vast. Something more specific would be a good start.
Suggestion: Minnesota Rolling Rocks
Toronto Raptors
Toronto isn’t a very good team, but its nickname might be worse. From what I know a Raptor is a small dinosaur from the prehistoric age. What Toronto and dinosaurs have in common is beyond me. Also, if they were going to choose a dinasaur name, why not go for something more ferocious like the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Raptors just don’t seem to strike much fear in people.
Suggestion: Toronto Parliament
Washington Wizards
I liked the team a lot better when it was called the Bullets. Now that was a sweet name. Wizards just sounds a little too geeky. Watch out, they might try to cast a spell on you.
Suggestion: Washington Congressmen
Cleveland Browns The worst color in the world seems appropriate for one of the worst teams in the world. The color brown is so blah. Which also describes the Browns’ play.
Suggestion: Cleveland Industrials
Atlanta Thrashers (NHL)
According to the dictionary, a thrasher is any of various New World songbirds related to the mockingbird. What, are the intimidating Thrashers going to sing you to death? Even though Hawks and Falcons are already taken by their respective NBA and NFL counterparts, any other bird besides a mockingbird would have done the trick.
Suggestions: Atlanta Vultures
New York Red Bulls (MLS)
Anytime a corporation sneaks its name into a team’s nickname it isn’t a good thing. Red Bulls would be pretty cool if it was a made up name and not the name of an energy drink.
The 2006 ESPY awards have come and gone. In case you missed it the evening was filled with laughs, tears and as always some unintentional comedy. Here is a rundown of some of the show’s highlights and lowlights.
First off, we need to congratulate host Lance Armstrong on finding his new career after cycling. He is now a full-time comedian and can be seen at the Laugh Factory every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Just kidding, but you have to give a hand to the show’s writers who made Armstrong look like an everyday Richard Pryor up there on stage.
After a slide show and a few Brokeback jokes to open the evening, the first award was for Best Championship Performance. It was presented by Janet Jackson. What? Tito must not have been available. I thought presenters at these shows either A) Played a sport or B) are frequently in the tabloids for being famous. If it was 1986 this would make a whole lot more sense.
Vince Young won the Championship Performance award and proceeded to thank his “teammates” Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush. Apparently everyone is really a USC fan deep down. Young should have brought up a cheat sheet with the names of his teammates on it to keep him from messing it up. He also should have used a cheat sheet on the Wonderlic Test, but that is neither here nor there.
And the award for Most Awkward Pairing goes to Shaun White and Carmen Electra. Someone should have told him that staring directly at her boobs while being filmed is a dead give away.
Was it just me or did it seem like the dress code required every athlete to wear sunglasses or a Pimp Hat?
Speaking of clothing, everyone in attendance was dressed very sharp. Most of the men had on suits and ties, and then there was Matthew McConaughey who had on a sailing shirt that showed off his chest. I guess when you are the Sexiest Man Alive it really doesn’t matter what you wear.
Chris Berman came out on stage and within 15 seconds, surprise surprise, managed to plug ABC and NASCAR. This guy must get paid even when he isn’t working.
Berman then introduced the SportsCentury of Ricky Bobby. The skit was pretty much a plug for Talladega Nights but still managed to be very funny. Is it safe to say that the Will Ferrell we all love is back for good? For our own good, let’s hope so.
The award for Best Game shouldn’t have even been up for a vote. The winner was the USC-Texas Rose Bowl. If that game didn’t win it would have been a bigger upset than Texas actually beating USC.
The Pittsburg Steelers won the award for Best Team. This team is slowly becoming the New York Yankees of the NFL. I knew a handful of Steelers fans before the season started, but now everyone and their mother is a Steelers fan. By the way, I thought it was a little rude that Jerome Bettis didn’t thank the referees for their support, during his acceptance speech.
Awkward moment No. 2 comes courtesy of the same Pittsburg Steelers. After winning the award, the group of team members on hand called a “surprise” guest to the stage. Ben Roethlisberger then appeared to very little ovation and thanked the fans for their support. I was hoping that Lance and Ben would ride out together on a tandem bicycle wearing Bell helmets. Now that would have been worth the price of admission.
And finally, the show came to an end with the only musical act of the night. It was a collaboration of musicians including the O’Jays and Talib Kweli among others. What happened next had the potential to go down in history as one of the show’s greatest moments. Random athletes were pulled up on stage to dance and sing along to the song. LeBron, Dwayne Wade, Alonzo Mourning, and Gary Payton were all up there shaking to the groove. Miraculously, the only white guy on stage was Lance and he had to be there. I was secretly hoping that somehow Doug Flutie or Landon Donovan would have made their way to the stage for a potential Mark Madson infused dance-off. It didn’t go as I hoped, but there is always next year. www.oldskoolsports.com
The Pistons are going to regret not re-signing free agent Ben Wallace. At least this gives Darko Milicic a chance to get off the pine and get some playing time. Wait a second; the Pistons traded Darko last year in hopes of saving money to bring back Wallace. Talk about awkward.
The Bulls, after stealing Wallace away, are now serious title contenders for the first time since MJ and co. ran circles around the league. I just can’t wait to hear what Ozzie Guillen has to say about the signing.
The New Orleans Hornets have provided the first “what were they thinking” move of the off-season. They gave $64 million to Peja Stojakovic. The same guy who was once compared to Larry Bird. The same guy who has no inside game, period. The same guy who has disappeared in the playoffs every single season. Things could get ugly down in the Bayou.
Some one is going to accuse hot dog eating champ Takeru Kobayashi of using performance enhancing drugs.
How has no one been seriously injured at one of these eating competitions? On second thought, maybe injuries do happen; it’s just that heart attacks, strokes and ulcers are considered occupational hazards in the sport of competitive eating.
David Beckham officially stepped down as captain of England’s soccer team. Here’s betting that the guy who supplants Becks will not be anywhere near as attractive.
Italy will be playing for the World Cup title. They haven’t lost a match yet, only tying the disappointing United States 1-1 thanks to an own goal. Apparently these Italians aren’t as good as they look.
Have fun watching the Subway Series, I mean 2006 MLB All-Star game.
If there was one roster spot still available for the game and the ballot included the Phillies Bobby Abreu or the New York Mets Jose Lima. I’m betting on Lima in a landslide.
Nomar Garciaparra is an obvious snub from the National League’s team. Insert (“I didn’t even know Nomar was healthy” joke) here.
Want to know what’s wrong will the All-Star voting? Kansas City Royals pitcher Mark Redman, he of the 5.50 ERA made the roster. I guess it was the safe pick considering Reggie Sanders’ .240 BA.
The Tour de France is underway. Luckily Lance Armstrong got out when he did. All these doping allegations are enough to ruin a guy’s reputation.
Jose Canseco has already asked for a trade after playing only one game with his new team. He also asked Mark McGwire to be his friend on MySpace. Looks like that trade request might be a little more feasible.
On a final note. Scott Schafer, a Met’s sixth-round draft pick, was dropped by his agent and forced to settle for a below-average bonus after posting pictures of himself in a Met’s hat and espousing vulgar things. Nice one Scott. Gotta love MySpace.
Mark Cuban wants to take over Canada’s national pastime. The NBA’s public enemy number one is trying to expand his horizons into the world of hockey. The Dallas Mavericks' owner has joined a group who is trying to buy the NHL’s Pittsburg Penguins. Now, I’m not sure exactly what Mark Cuban knows about hockey and frankly I don’t care. This guy is going to be the best thing to hit the ice since Gretzky. I can see Cuban sitting rink-side, decked out in his Sidney Crosby jersey, pounding on the glass and berating the referees. I want to see how he is going to react the first time a fight breaks out. “Wait…what is this? Mark Cuban has skated onto the ice and is putting Paul Kariya in a headlock.” He better learn to skate in a hurry. This potential purchase has comedy written all over it. Maybe even David Stern will even have a laugh thinking about it.
Choke on that Phil Mickelson. Looks like “Lefty” isn’t everybody’s All-American anymore. With the U.S. Open in his back pocket, Philly “Cheese Steak” Mickelson pissed it away. Actually, he hit it so far left off the 18th tee that the ball bounced off a circus tent situated about 250 yards down the left hand rough and back into the crowd. Thank God Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey were in town, or Cheese Steak could have been staring a triple-bogey right in the face. Maybe it was meant to be though. Golf is a sport, and athletes compete in sports. With those man boobs of his, Cheese Steak is far from a well-oiled machine. Put down the fork, face!
The NBA Finals are one game away from possible being over. It’s just a hunch but I don’t think Mark Cuban is very happy. Plus he likes to curse..a lot. Give this guy some Ritalin already. He talks more #### behind the referees back than Paris Hilton talks behind Nicole Richie’s. If the finals were a hissy-fit screaming match, the Mavericks would have swept 4-0. But since we actually play the games, the Heat are on there way to the title because of one man- Dwayne Wade. This guy is punking the whole Dallas team every single time he steps on the floor. Forget the Big Aristotle, Shaq is now the Big Sidekick. While Shaq continues to shoot his team out of games, 7-22 from the free throw stripe the last two games, D-Wade is picking up the slack. That’s why they are free throws big fella. Maybe if he stopped running around South Beach playing detective and spent some time shooting in the gym, the Heat could have wrapped this thing up by now.
A football player was arrested last night, and somewhere Lawrence Taylor laughed hysterically. Pittsburg Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes was arrested Monday after being arraigned on charges of domestic violence by assault, assault and speeding. And get this, he swears he is innocent. He is probably right, the police are just out to get him. Sure buddy. Maybe Holmes should stop beating down people off the field and focus on beating down his opponents on it. Athletes just don’t seem to get enough attention in the off-season so they have to do something to get their name in the paper. Whatever helps get your name out there, right Santonio? This is Holmes second arrest since being drafted in April, but unfortunately he still trails Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry, who has been arrested four times in the past six months, in the unofficial NFL Arrest Race. Easily the most popular player this off-season, Henry will look to make some noise ON the field this season. Yes Chris, they pay you for touchdowns not arrests.
During the seventh-inning stretch at Sunday’s Cubs game, Entourage’s Jeremy Piven decided to add a little something extra to his rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Before he began to sing Piven yelled out, “Let’s hug it out, you little ####es.” But apparently cursing in front of 40,000 fans is a no-no. Cubs fans haven’t gotten this worked up since, well, dare I say 1908. What do expect from a guy who hangs out in Hollywood with Vinnie Chase, Johnny Drama and the rest of the crew every day. I’m personally surprised that he didn’t drop a famous Ari Gold f-bomb on the crowd. Now that would have made Harry Carey turn over in his grave.
Behind a rookie goaltender, the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup trophy after beating the Edmonton Oilers on Monday night. Is it just me, or is the nickname “Hurricanes” just a little insensitive these days? First the Florida Panthers finish near the bottom of its division, and now Carolina rubs it in just a little bit more. Nothing like turning a national disaster into a national joke.
Choosing the nickname for a professional sports team is very serious business. Teams need to make sure that the name has some team-specific significance, that it isn’t too corny, and that it is not confusing to fans. Unfortunately, New Zealand’s badminton team, affectionately known as the Black 
The 2006 ESPY awards have come and gone. In case you missed it the evening was filled with laughs, tears and as always some unintentional comedy. Here is a rundown of some of the show’s highlights and lowlights. 
