Choosing the nickname for a professional sports team is very serious business. Teams need to make sure that the name has some team-specific significance, that it isn’t too corny, and that it is not confusing to fans. Unfortunately, New Zealand’s badminton team, affectionately known as the Black ####, didn’t pay attention to the last rule. Some American teams also chose to ignore these rules when they chose a name. Here, in no particular order, are the lamest team nicknames accompanied with suggestions for more appropriate ones.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Reports are that the team will be changing its name in the off-season. If there is any team that needs a name change to assist with an image makeover it is Tampa Bay. All around baseball, the name Devil Rays is synonymous with sucking.
Suggestion: Tampa Bay Tangerines
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Perhaps the most confusing name in all of professional sports. Not only does the team have two cities in its name, but it also has its nickname repeated. The Spanish translation for “the angels” is Los Angeles. So I present to you, The Angels Angels of Anaheim. Huh?
Suggestion: Los Angeles Traffic
Utah Jazz
This nickname made sense when the team was located in New Orleans, which is the birthplace of jazz music. Now in Utah, a musical nickname just doesn’t seem appropriate.
Suggestion: Utah Salt Lakes
Houston Texans
So the people who came up with this nickname weren’t exactly geniuses; but unlike some other teams, at least their nickname has some relevance to the team’s location. Still, Houston gets a negative 10 for lack of creativity.
Suggestion: Houston Wranglers
Connecticut Sun (WNBA)
Is it ever even sunny in Connecticut? This name is fine for Phoenix but doesn’t fit at all for a team based in the northeast.
Suggestion: Connecticut Colds
Colorado Rockies
Probably one of the most obvious nicknames in sports. Is Colorado known for anything besides the Rocky Mountains? Okay, maybe Coors beer but besides its beer, Colorado loves its mountains.
Suggestion: Colorado Black Diamonds
Charlotte Bobcats
The newest team in the NBA had a chance to make a real splash with its nickname. Somehow the team settled on the made-for-movie fake team name, Bobcats. This name just reminds me too much of the Miami Sharks from “Any Given Sunday.”
Suggestion: Charlotte Independence
Minnesota Wild (NHL)
What is so wild about Minnesota? Apparently not much or the North Stars wouldn’t have bolted to Dallas. Even though wild in this case refers to a vast open area, which is precisely what this name is: too vast. Something more specific would be a good start.
Suggestion: Minnesota Rolling Rocks
Toronto Raptors
Toronto isn’t a very good team, but its nickname might be worse. From what I know a Raptor is a small dinosaur from the prehistoric age. What Toronto and dinosaurs have in common is beyond me. Also, if they were going to choose a dinasaur name, why not go for something more ferocious like the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Raptors just don’t seem to strike much fear in people.
Suggestion: Toronto Parliament
Washington Wizards
I liked the team a lot better when it was called the Bullets. Now that was a sweet name. Wizards just sounds a little too geeky. Watch out, they might try to cast a spell on you.
Suggestion: Washington Congressmen
Cleveland Browns The worst color in the world seems appropriate for one of the worst teams in the world. The color brown is so blah. Which also describes the Browns’ play.
Suggestion: Cleveland Industrials
Atlanta Thrashers (NHL)
According to the dictionary, a thrasher is any of various New World songbirds related to the mockingbird. What, are the intimidating Thrashers going to sing you to death? Even though Hawks and Falcons are already taken by their respective NBA and NFL counterparts, any other bird besides a mockingbird would have done the trick.
Suggestions: Atlanta Vultures
New York Red Bulls (MLS)
Anytime a corporation sneaks its name into a team’s nickname it isn’t a good thing. Red Bulls would be pretty cool if it was a made up name and not the name of an energy drink.
Life wouldn’t be much fun without your friends. It would be even worse without baseball. In honor of the best series on television and the best sport in the world, I present to you Baseball’s Best Entourages. I used "Entourage’s" four main characters- Vince, Eric, Drama, and Turtle and matched them up with baseball players who most accurately resemble their characteristics on a respective team. Let’s first look at the qualities that make up each character on the show.
Vince role: The leader of the pack. He is popular with fans, dresses well, and can do no wrong.
Eric role: The brains behind the operation. He is smart and always in control. Makes sure that his star gets big results.
Drama role: The elder statesman. He is a little "out there" and extremely temperamental. Is used to overcoming diversity.
Turtle role: The class clown of the crew. He is youthful, keeps the mood light, and is up for anything.
New York Yankees
Vince: Derek Jeter
Eric: Mariano Rivera
Drama: Alex Rodriguez
Turtle: Johnny Damon
What Vince is to Hollywood, Jeter is to New York. The team captain and all-around heartthrob is the most popular player in pinstripes. Alex Rodriguez will always be living in Jeter’s shadow and his recent string of horrendous D isn’t winning him many new fans. The flamboyant centerfielder, Damon is new to the crew but keeps the levels of seriousness in the clubhouse to a minimum. Much like Eric in a meeting with Ari, Rivera is all about business. When he enters the game in a save situation, he will not disappoint.
Oakland Athletics
Vince: Barry Zito
Eric: Rich Harden
Drama: Milton Bradley
Turtle: Eric Chavez
What Drama is to bashing a car windshield with a golf club in Malibu, Bradley is to smashing a beer bottle in front of fans at Dodger Stadium. An uncontrollable temper is something these two definitely don’t hide. Zito has the boy band looks and carefree attitude that drives the women crazy. As Vince is counted on to bring home big pay checks, Zito is counted on to bring home lots of wins. Chavez is the one Athletic who hasn’t bolted via free agency. Like Turtle, Chavez is comfortable where he is at. As long as he is getting paid he will have a smile on his face
Boston Red Sox
Vince: David Ortiz
Eric: Curt Schilling
Drama: Manny Ramirez
Turtle: Jonathan Papelbon
Curt Schilling is one of the most calculated pitchers in the game. He is always prepared and very sharp on game days. He is rarely out-pitched and keeps the games close so his star hitter can come through with some clutch RBIs. Manny Ramirez, who once was the star of the Red Sox, comes up big from time to time but is too unreliable to trust day in and day out. Like Drama going in for an acting audition, you never know what to expect out of Manny. Papelbon is a guy who will always get a laugh out of his teammates. As if cutting his hair like Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn from the movie Major League earlier this season wasn’t a hint.
Anaheim Angels
Vince: Vladimir Guerrero
Eric: Francisco Rodriguez
Drama: Garrett Anderson
Turtle: Jared Weaver
Vince’s breakout role in Queen’s Boulevard is reminiscent of Guerrero joining the Angeles. Prior to this, Vlad was caught in the baseball purgatory that is Montreal. People knew he was good and that he had the potential to be a star, but he needed to prove it on a bigger stage. Since arriving in LA, Guerrero has become a perennial MVP candidate and one of the biggest draws in town. Garret Anderson’s career has hit a rough patch of late. After numerous injuries slowed him down, this former hitting machine still shouldn’t be counted out in clutch situations. With Rodriguez coming in at the end of games, the rest of the crew is in good hands.
Cleveland Indians
Vince: Grady Sizemore
Eric: Victor Martinez
Drama: Aaron Boone
Turtle: Travis Hafner
With one big homerun in the playoffs versus the Red Sox, Boone became a star much the same way Drama did with his role in Viking Quest. They both have underperformed since, but will always have that one moment to look back on. “VICTORY!!!” Sizemore has become the most popular player in Cleveland. Still a youngster, he has been the catalyst for the team in the batter’s box and in the field. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that his female fans have established a “Grady’s Ladies” fan club. Without all of the fanfare, Martinez has been the most consistent catcher in the American League the past few years. He keeps the team in control and produces daily.
New York Mets
Vince: David Wright
Eric: Billy Wagner
Drama: Pedro Martinez
Turtle: Jose Reyes
Wright is the epidemy of Vince. He is young, good looking, talented and carefree. His performance thus far in his career has been nothing short of amazing. Like Vince after starring in Aquaman, Wright is ready for a follow up. Did someone say World Series? These days, no one knows what to expect out of the eccentric Martinez, but when push comes to shove this guy will have your back no matter what. Reyes is the little guy playing second fiddle to the stars. He doesn’t get as much hype as some of his teammates, but when he gets the chance to have the spotlight he doesn’t disappoint. See: Turtle getting Saigon a record deal.
St. Louis Cardinals
Vince: Albert Pujols
Eric: Chris Carpenter
Drama: Scott Rolen
Turtle: Jim Edmonds
There might not be a more genuine man in the game than Pujols. Like Vince giving Eric a Maserati, Pujols takes care of those close to him. And like Eric, Carpenter might have trouble accepting the gift. But if he turned it down, you can bet Edmonds would be there to rub it in his face. As long as Edmonds gets to drive once in a while, he is content not leading the show. Rolen doesn’t mind not driving; he doesn’t care how he gets there as long as it leads him back to the top of his game.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Vince: Derek Lowe
Eric: Greg Maddux
Drama: Jeff Kent
Turtle: Andre Ethier
Kent is about as awkward as Drama at a Playboy Mansion party. To say his social skills are lacking is an understatement. He might try his best to fit in, but he still sticks out like a sore thumb amidst the younger crowd. Lowe has the part of Playboy partier down pat. Last year he and his wife divorced after Lowe admitted to having a relationship with one of the Fox baseball anchors. Sounds a little like the Vince/Mandy fling on the set of Aquaman to me. Maddux is the doctor that keeps Lowe in check. He doesn’t get sidetracked by the hype, and will keep his younger pitchers’ heads on straight. If you don’t recognize Ethier’s name yet, it’s okay because this kid continues to just go about his business.
Houston Astros
Vince: Lance Berkman
Eric: Roger Clemens
Drama: Brad Lidge
Turtle: Craig Biggio
Clemens is as serious a guy as there is in baseball. He is as serious as Eric in a ####. That focus it what drives him to the top of his game, and like Eric he expects results. His teammate Lidge still expects results but his stuff, like Drama trying to act suave, just isn’t working lately. Biggio might not be young anymore but he is still young at heart. His signature dirty batting helmet is as recognizable as Turtle in a Yankees hat.
Philadelphia Phillies
Vince: Chase Utley
Eric: Tom Gordon
Drama: Jimmy Rollins
Turtle: Ryan Howard
With Bobby Abreu now out of town, Philadelphia is Utley’s town. He is currently in the midst of the hottest hitting streak of his career and showing no signs of slowing down. Unlike Warner Brothers with Vince, the Phillies better hope they have enough money to convince Utley to stick around when his contract is up. Rollins and Howard remind me of Turtle and Drama at Sundance. I bet they would be bugging and competing with each other the whole time. Hopefully they wouldn't end up with the same occupational hazard that Turtle and Drama encountered.
The 2006 ESPY awards have come and gone. In case you missed it the evening was filled with laughs, tears and as always some unintentional comedy. Here is a rundown of some of the show’s highlights and lowlights.
First off, we need to congratulate host Lance Armstrong on finding his new career after cycling. He is now a full-time comedian and can be seen at the Laugh Factory every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Just kidding, but you have to give a hand to the show’s writers who made Armstrong look like an everyday Richard Pryor up there on stage.
After a slide show and a few Brokeback jokes to open the evening, the first award was for Best Championship Performance. It was presented by Janet Jackson. What? Tito must not have been available. I thought presenters at these shows either A) Played a sport or B) are frequently in the tabloids for being famous. If it was 1986 this would make a whole lot more sense.
Vince Young won the Championship Performance award and proceeded to thank his “teammates” Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush. Apparently everyone is really a USC fan deep down. Young should have brought up a cheat sheet with the names of his teammates on it to keep him from messing it up. He also should have used a cheat sheet on the Wonderlic Test, but that is neither here nor there.
And the award for Most Awkward Pairing goes to Shaun White and Carmen Electra. Someone should have told him that staring directly at her boobs while being filmed is a dead give away.
Was it just me or did it seem like the dress code required every athlete to wear sunglasses or a Pimp Hat?
Speaking of clothing, everyone in attendance was dressed very sharp. Most of the men had on suits and ties, and then there was Matthew McConaughey who had on a sailing shirt that showed off his chest. I guess when you are the Sexiest Man Alive it really doesn’t matter what you wear.
Chris Berman came out on stage and within 15 seconds, surprise surprise, managed to plug ABC and NASCAR. This guy must get paid even when he isn’t working.
Berman then introduced the SportsCentury of Ricky Bobby. The skit was pretty much a plug for Talladega Nights but still managed to be very funny. Is it safe to say that the Will Ferrell we all love is back for good? For our own good, let’s hope so.
The award for Best Game shouldn’t have even been up for a vote. The winner was the USC-Texas Rose Bowl. If that game didn’t win it would have been a bigger upset than Texas actually beating USC.
The Pittsburg Steelers won the award for Best Team. This team is slowly becoming the New York Yankees of the NFL. I knew a handful of Steelers fans before the season started, but now everyone and their mother is a Steelers fan. By the way, I thought it was a little rude that Jerome Bettis didn’t thank the referees for their support, during his acceptance speech.
Awkward moment No. 2 comes courtesy of the same Pittsburg Steelers. After winning the award, the group of team members on hand called a “surprise” guest to the stage. Ben Roethlisberger then appeared to very little ovation and thanked the fans for their support. I was hoping that Lance and Ben would ride out together on a tandem bicycle wearing Bell helmets. Now that would have been worth the price of admission.
And finally, the show came to an end with the only musical act of the night. It was a collaboration of musicians including the O’Jays and Talib Kweli among others. What happened next had the potential to go down in history as one of the show’s greatest moments. Random athletes were pulled up on stage to dance and sing along to the song. LeBron, Dwayne Wade, Alonzo Mourning, and Gary Payton were all up there shaking to the groove. Miraculously, the only white guy on stage was Lance and he had to be there. I was secretly hoping that somehow Doug Flutie or Landon Donovan would have made their way to the stage for a potential Mark Madson infused dance-off. It didn’t go as I hoped, but there is always next year. www.oldskoolsports.com
The mid-season report cards are in. Find out if your team is making the grade and see which player is bringing down the class average. We all know which players are All-Stars so let’s take a look at those not pulling their weight. From an AWOL player to a deer meat fiasco, it’s all here.
Boston Red Sox
Mid-Season Grade: A
Least Valuable Player: Coco Crisp
It’s hard to find fault in a guy who has been injured for a great portion of the season, but Crisp has been making it difficult for Boston fans to forget Johnny Damon. Maybe he should grow a beard and his hair out long. Just an idea.
New York Yankees
Grade: B-
LVP: Randy Johnson, Shawn Chacon, Carl Pavano
For as good as the Yankees hitting has been their pitching as been equally as bad. All this talk about them adding another bat is just ridiculous. Unless Barry Zito comes knocking, the Yankees will be watching the playoffs from their homes.
Toronto Blue Jays
Grade: B
LVP: A.J. Burnett
This season Burnett is making a little more than one million dollars per inning pitched. Remember in the off-season when baseball people everywhere said that this guy has great stuff but can’t ever seem to stay healthy? Well, apparently everyone but the entire Blue Jays front office.
Baltimore Orioles
Grade: D
LVP: Leo Mazzone
The Orioles have one of the game’s best and most respected pitching coaches in Mazzone. The Orioles pitching staff currently ranks near the bottom of the league in ERA. Something isn’t adding up.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Grade: C+
LVP: Aubrey Huff
This guy plays the first half of each season like he is awaking from a tranquilizer shot. He somehow decides to start hitting right before the All-Star break and goes on a tear for three months, just to make sure that he doesn’t get cut in the off-season.
Detroit Tigers
Grade: A+
LVP: Dmitri Young
The best thing to happen to the Tigers this year was Young going AWOL after being sought by police for failing to appear in court. Which wasn’t quite as embarrassing as the “Hot Dog Incident” in Milwaukee a few years back. The further Young stays away from this team, the better.
Chicago White Sox
Grade: A
LVP: Jon Garland
After winning 18 games and making himself a perennial Cy Young contender, Garland got paid handsomely by the Sox and suddenly started to suck. Wow, I haven’t seen this happen ever. He currently has an ERA of 5.37 yet has managed 8 wins due in large part to a potent offense. Someone owes Thome, Konerko and Dye a round of drinks.
Minnesota Twins
Grade: B
LVP: The entire starting staff besides Santana and Liriano
I think Santana has a long lost twin, and it turns out that it is Liriano. These two guys are mirror images of each other- no one can hit them. The Twins might have the two filthiest lefties in the game, but the rest of their staff is a sight for sore eyes.
Cleveland Indians
Grade: D
LVP: Bob Wickman
The most underachieving team of the year by far. They were supposed to make a run at the World Series this year and instead sit in front of the lowly Royals. They stay have a solid base of youngsters to build around, but Bob “Heavyweight” Wickman and his 4.50 ERA isn’t doing much but clogging the buffet line after games.
Kansas City Royals
Grade: F
LVP: Mark Grudzielanek
The Royals were expected to be one of the worst team’s in baseball and so far they are doing what’s expected. I have zero sympathy for Grudzielanek, who turned down offers from playoff bound teams to join Kansas City for more money. Maybe with that extra money he can buy some common sense.
Oakland Athletics
Grade: B-
LVP: Milton Bradley
Bradley was supposedly the guy the A’s needed in the middle of the lineup to put them over the top. So far Bradley has spent more time in AAA on rehab assignments than he has in the Oakland outfield. At least he hasn’t choked a fan or fought a teammate- yet.
Texas Rangers
Grade: B-
LVP: Mark Teixeira
This guy is killing my fantasy team. Not only is Teixeira the biggest bust in fantasy baseball this year, but he might be the biggest bust in real baseball as well. After hitting 43 dingers last year he has managed only 9 this year. Can someone say power outage?
Los Angeles Angels
Grade: D
LVP: Jeff Weaver
In 20 years, “Who is Jeff Weaver” will be the answer to this Jeopardy sports question- “This former Angel was joined by his younger brother in the starting rotation only to be subsequently replaced by his brother weeks later, creating one of the most awkward situations in all of sports.” Ding ding ding.
Seattle Mariners
Grade: C+
LVP: Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre
These two are the Bash Brothers of Bust. Seattle shelled out some serious dough only to see them flail at more breaking balls than Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000. If Sexson and Beltre combine for a .500 BA, fireworks might ensue.
New York Mets
Grade: A
LVP: Jose Lima
Lima Time is the worst thing to happen to NY since Mo Vaughn. If he pitched half as well entertained, Met fans might have something to cheer for. Will Lima ever help the Mets in this lifetime? No way Jose.
Philadelphia Phillies
Grade: D+
LVP: Gavin Floyd
Brett Myers would be the obvious choice based on his off-field problems. I’ve decided to cut him some slack and put the blame on the guy with the 7 plus ERA. Not only is Floyd supposed to be good but he is supposed to be a stud. Perhaps Mitch Williams should get another shot in Philly.
Atlanta Braves
Grade: D-
LVP: Whoever is the closer
The two biggest mistakes the Braves have made in recent years. 1) Allowing Leo Mazzone to leave and 2) removing John Smotlz from the closer’s role and putting him back in the starting rotation. Since both of these happened I think the Braves have about as many blown saves as Jeff Francoeur has strikeouts.
Florida Marlins
Grade: B+
LVP: Ownership
The Marlins’ owners got rid of anything they could in the off-season if it saved them money. I heard even the left over hot dogs were pawned off. Despite that, this young team of inexperienced players is sticking it to the man by playing some very good ball. In a few years Florida will compete for a championship and like clockwork be torn apart from head to toe. Count on it.
Washington Nationals
Grade: C
LVP: Jose Guillen
Guillen is either the most inconsistent player in history or the smartest man alive. If he is playing for a bad team he coasts through games and sulks enough to the point that a contending team takes a chance and trades for him. Then he hits the #### out of the ball and earns himself millions of extra dollars on his next contract. I saw it happen when he arrived in Oakland via Cincinnati and I bet it happens again this year.
St. Louis Cardinals
Grade: B-
LVP: Mark Mulder
When Mulder is pitching worse than Sidney “Big Boy” Ponson your team has a problem. Their solution? Trade for Jeff Weaver and his 6.30 ERA. For as good as the Cards have been, their pitching has been nothing short of disgusting. Someone page Rick Ankiel, quickly.
Cincinnati Reds
Grade: B+
LVP: Eddie Guardado
Everyday Eddie has yet to blow a save for the Reds yet, but he blows games like he gets paid for it. Luckily the Reds are used to blown saves so the transition for their fans should be an easy one.
Milwaukee Brewers
Grade: B
LVP: Ben Sheets
Ben Sheets throws fastballs like Roger Clemens but spends as much time on the DL as Kerry Wood. Even Bob Uecker gets more nervous when Sheets pitches than he does around his alleged stalker. Get Sheets healthy and the Brewers have themselves a squad.
Houston Astros
Grade: C
LVP: Roger Clemens
Just think if Clemens actually committed to his team and pitched the entire season for them, how much better they would be right now. If Houston doesn’t make the playoffs, the team should ask Roger for a refund. Their not paying him to finish in fourth, that’s for sure.
Chicago Cubs
Grade: F
LVP: Dusty Baker
Is there a more hated man in Chicago right now? Forget Steve Bartman, Baker better get out before someone shoots him in the back on the way to the pitcher’s mound. The Cubs need to blow up Wrigley Field, fire the whole team and just start all over again. Oh and bringing back Harry Carey’s ghost wouldn’t hurt either.
Pittsburgh Pirates
Grade: F
LVP: Oliver Perez and Zach Duke
The Pirates just aren’t very good. Luckily the All-Star Game is in Pittsburg or they might be in danger of not selling out a single game in stadium history. Just when the team thought they were turning it around, anchored by studs Perez and Duke, these two decided flamed out big time. If only Jason Bay could pitch.
San Diego Padres
Grade: B
LVP: Jake Peavy
If someone knows what is wrong with Peavy they should let him know. If not, he is in danger of being out pitched by Chan #### Park. Yes, the same Chan #### Park who had an ERA of like 8.00 in Texas.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Grade: B
LVP: Danys Baez
At the beginning of the season Baez said he was unhappy about not closing. Then when Eric Gagne goes down and he is made the closer, he can’t hit the side of a barn. Apparently the pressure in LA, where games actually count, is a little more intense than in Tampa Bay
Colorado Rockies
Grade: B-
LVP: Clint Barmes
Ever sine the deer meat fiasco, Barmes has not been the same player. He went from future All-Star to flirting with the Mendoza line in a blink of an eye. Even in Colorado he is still managing a .208 average. That has to be some kind of record. I think Mike Hampton hit like .275 when played there.
San Francisco Giants
Grade: C-
LVP: Barry Bonds
Let’s face it, Bonds isn’t the same Bonds of five years ago. He is on pace to be the most overmatched defense player in history. Barry plays about as much D as Stephon Marbury does on the basketball court. Will someone please get him a wheelchair already?
Arizona Diamondbacks
Grade: C-
LVP: Russ Ortiz
Ortiz doesn’t have to pitch another day in his life and will still be paid about $20 million. The way he was pitching before being released looked like he was getting paid per run allowed. But coincidently the Diamondbacks record started to plummet at the same time Ortiz was released. Some things just don’t make any sense.
The Pistons are going to regret not re-signing free agent Ben Wallace. At least this gives Darko Milicic a chance to get off the pine and get some playing time. Wait a second; the Pistons traded Darko last year in hopes of saving money to bring back Wallace. Talk about awkward.
The Bulls, after stealing Wallace away, are now serious title contenders for the first time since MJ and co. ran circles around the league. I just can’t wait to hear what Ozzie Guillen has to say about the signing.
The New Orleans Hornets have provided the first “what were they thinking” move of the off-season. They gave $64 million to Peja Stojakovic. The same guy who was once compared to Larry Bird. The same guy who has no inside game, period. The same guy who has disappeared in the playoffs every single season. Things could get ugly down in the Bayou.
Some one is going to accuse hot dog eating champ Takeru Kobayashi of using performance enhancing drugs.
How has no one been seriously injured at one of these eating competitions? On second thought, maybe injuries do happen; it’s just that heart attacks, strokes and ulcers are considered occupational hazards in the sport of competitive eating.
David Beckham officially stepped down as captain of England’s soccer team. Here’s betting that the guy who supplants Becks will not be anywhere near as attractive.
Italy will be playing for the World Cup title. They haven’t lost a match yet, only tying the disappointing United States 1-1 thanks to an own goal. Apparently these Italians aren’t as good as they look.
Have fun watching the Subway Series, I mean 2006 MLB All-Star game.
If there was one roster spot still available for the game and the ballot included the Phillies Bobby Abreu or the New York Mets Jose Lima. I’m betting on Lima in a landslide.
Nomar Garciaparra is an obvious snub from the National League’s team. Insert (“I didn’t even know Nomar was healthy” joke) here.
Want to know what’s wrong will the All-Star voting? Kansas City Royals pitcher Mark Redman, he of the 5.50 ERA made the roster. I guess it was the safe pick considering Reggie Sanders’ .240 BA.
The Tour de France is underway. Luckily Lance Armstrong got out when he did. All these doping allegations are enough to ruin a guy’s reputation.
Jose Canseco has already asked for a trade after playing only one game with his new team. He also asked Mark McGwire to be his friend on MySpace. Looks like that trade request might be a little more feasible.
On a final note. Scott Schafer, a Met’s sixth-round draft pick, was dropped by his agent and forced to settle for a below-average bonus after posting pictures of himself in a Met’s hat and espousing vulgar things. Nice one Scott. Gotta love MySpace.
Jose Canseco is back baby. The former Bash Brother is taking his career to whole new level. On Thursday, Canseco signed a contract to play for the San Diego Surf Dawgs of the Golden Baseball League. If appearing on the Surreal Life last year didn’t damage Canseco’s image enough, this move could bring him to a whole new low. Except that Canseco has nothing to lose by returning to baseball. Every Major Leaguer pretty much hates him after he ratted out all of baseball with his book Juiced and Supreme Court testimony. And since Jose probably isn’t looking to make any new friends and the fact that he craves attention, this will be a perfect fit. Thought to be baseball’s lowest rung, the GBL isn’t new to this sort of start attention. Last year Rickey Henderson suited up for the Surf Dawgs as he tried to get the attention of a Major League club. Not sure how well that turned out for Rickey, but I don’t think the MLB is in the market for many 40-year-old base stealers. Unlike Rickey, this move might be brilliant for Canseco. Consider: Canseco immediately becomes the league’s biggest star. His $2,500 a month salary is the league maximum and he instantly becomes the odds on favorite to lead the league in homeruns. If this guy was juicing for so many years, like he claims to have done, some of that residue has to still be in his system. I’m sensing some 500 foot homeruns in his near future. Perhaps the best part about this whole deal is that the Surf Dawgs are signing Canseco to not only hit but also pitch. Yes, pitch. He of the 27.00 career ERA in the majors will be taking his act to the mound, where he will showcase his knuckleball. In Canseco’s one inning as a pitcher he walked the bases loaded and allowed three earned runs. Sound like the perfect starting pitcher for the Surf Dawgs to me. Steroids or not, Canseco was still one of the most exciting players in the game in his prime. I’m gonna go see him play just so I can get my Surreal Life cast photo signed.
The winning league of this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star game will once again receive home-field advantage in the World Series. This makes zero sense considering that the best players in each league most likely will not be represented in that game. Just because Joe Sports Fan is sitting in his living room right now, clicking and clicking and clicking for his entire favorite team to make the All-Star team, there are a handful of more deserving players getting ####. Taking a look at the current leading vote getters, Joe Sports Fan is definately doing his job to screw the system. While some deserving All-Stars may come from large cities such as New York and Boston, their entire teams should not be representing the entire All-Star squad. Since those cities have more people who vote, it translates into more players from their teams getting voted in. Although that doesn’t mean that the whole Mets’ team should be playing in Pittsburg this July. Players should be voted into the game based on overall performance, not popularity. If Major League Baseball wanted the game to be a show of the popular Stars, it shouldn’t have placed so much on the outcome of the game. But since the game does in fact hold some significance, only the best players at their respective positions should represent their leagues. Here are your deserving 2006 All-Stars:
National League
Catcher
Current Leader: Paul Lo Duca- Mets .280, 3 HR, 22 RBI
Should be: Michael Barrett- Cubs .308, 8, 30
Dark horse: Johnny Estrada- Diamondbacks
Barrett is outperforming Lo Duca in most offensive categories. Besides, the Cubs need to get one representative in the game and we all know the rest of the team has no chance at making it.
First Base
Current Leader: Albert Pujols- Cardinals .313, 26, 67
Should be: Ryan Howard- Phillies .292, 25, 66
Dark horse: Nomar Garciaparra- Dodgers .363, 9, 45
Get your attention yet? Pujols will start and does deserve to start. I just want more people to give Howard some respect. He isn’t even in the top-5 in voting put is putting up MVP type numbers in only his second season. Nomar is having a ‘98 type Nomar season. He deserves a little recognition.
Second Base
Current Leader: Chase Utley- Phillies .288, 13, 43
Should be: Utley
Dark horse: Dan Uggla- Marlins .313, 13, 43
Utley is a stud and deserves to start. Not to be forgotten is Dan Uggla. Who? Well, the guy gets little attention playing in Florida but he is putting up numbers to rival all second basemen. Look for him to make the team as a back-up.
Shortstop
Current Leader: Jose Reyes- Mets .302, 8, 36, 34 SB’s
Should be: Reyes
Dark horse: Edgar Renteria- Braves .302, 8, 30
Reyes is very deserving of all the New York votes. This guy can flat out fly. He is becoming one of the better all-around baseball players in the league.
Third Base
Current Leader: David Wright- Mets .336, 18, 64
Should be: Wright
Dark horse: Miguel Cabrera- Marlins .347, 11, 49
See: Jose Reyes. Cabrera will make the team for sure as Florida’s representative. This two guys are going to be competing for the starting spot in the National League for years to come.
Outfield
Current Leaders: Jason Bay- Pirates .290, 20, 56; Carlos Beltran- Mets .285, 20, 59; Alfonso Soriano- Nationals .275, 24, 51, 18 SB’s
Should be: Soriano, Matt Holliday- Rockies .353, 15, 54; Carlos Lee- Brewers .271, 23, 60
Dark horse: Andruw Jones- Braves .285, 18, 64
Beltran is only on the list because of New York or fans are looking at his stats from three years ago. Bay isn’t a bad choice but Lee is putting up better numbers. Soriano is basically hitting the #### out of the ball right now and attitude or not deserves to be on the team. Holliday should make the team based on his performance alone.
American League
Catcher
Current Leader: Jason Varitek- Red Sox .251, 7, 34
Should be: Ramon Hernandez- Orioles .285, 13, 53
Dark horse: Joe Mauer- Twins .368, 5, 31
Varitek? This guy may be a good leader, but he's not the best catcher. Hernandez is tearing the league apart right now and Mauer is hitting like he’s Ichiro.
First Base
Current Leader: David Ortiz- Red Sox .266, 22, 68
Should be: Paul Konerko- White Sox .315, 19, 60
Dark horse: Justin Morneau- Twins .282, 19, 62
Ortiz isn’t even a first basemen so I’m not sure why we are even having this argument. Put him on the team as a DH or whatever, but he shouldn’t start at first base in an All-Star game if he barely starts during the regular season.
Second Base
Current Leader: Robinson Cano- Yankees .325, 4, 27
Should be: Jose Lopez- Mariners .279, 9, 53
Dark horse: Tadahito Iguchi- White Sox .291, 8, 37
Once again the New York factor is in effect as Cano is slated to start at second. He isn’t playing terrible but I would take Lopez and Iguchi over him right now.
Shortstop
Current Leader: Derek Jeter- Yankees .336, 5, 46
Should be: Miguel Tejada- Orioles .312, 16, 54
Dark horse: Carlos Guillen- Tigers .293, 9, 44
Jeter is getting the New York vote as well, although he always deserves to be considered for the team. Tejada has better all-around numbers but Jeter plays like a warrior every single day.
Third Base
Current Leader: Alex Rodriguez- Yankees .280, 15, 52
Should be: Rodriguez
Dark horse: Joe Crede- White Sox .307, 14, 54
A-Rod is one of the best players in the game. New York fns can boo him all they want but Rodriguez is still a stud.
Outfield
Current Leaders: Vladimir Guerrero- Angels .290, 16, 54; Manny Ramirez- Red Sox .298, 20, 51; Ichiro Suzuki- Mariners .359, 4, 27, 24 SB’s
Should be: Grady Sizemore- Indians .297, 14, 36, 11 SB’s; Vernon Wells- Blue Jays .322, 20, 62; Ichiro
Dark horse: Carl Crawford- Devil Rays .310, 10, 37, 26 SB’s
Sizemore will be an All-Star for many years and this should be his first. Wells is getting no love playing up in Toronto but he is the best all-around centerfielders in the American League. Ichiro can hit and will always hit. Pencil him in to right field each year.
The Mouth of the South(side) is at it again. Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, known for his less than able ability to bite his tongue, might have just crossed into uncharted territories. Ozzie dropped the F-bomb. No, not that four letter expletive, which coincidently is just as common in his vocabulary as hit, steal and bunt. Nope, Ozzie decided to drop the term “####” to describe Chicago-Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti. See, Ozzie was upset with Mariotti’s constant criticism of his managing and handling of his team, so he did what any other grown man would do- resorted to name calling. But name calling isn’t something new to Ozzie. Just this last summer, he called Alex Rodriguez a hypocrite for not choosing what team he was going to play for in the inaugural World Baseball Classic. He later retraced that statement by claiming he didn’t really understand the definition of the word hypocrite. To understand Ozzie you need to know that the Venezuelan native uses his mouth as quick as Speedy Gonzalez uses his feet. He has a tendency to speak very fast, which combined with a heavy accent and unashamed use of curse words make this one hard guy to understand. The never-quote-shy Guillen decided to outdo himself and put his foot in his mouth once again, except this time he might have jammed that foot all the way down his throat. The exact quote out of the manager’s mouth, in reference to Mariotti, “What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] ####.” Easy there fella’. What Ozzie didn’t realize is that in our country calling someone a derogatory homosexual name is almost as taboo as bunting with two strikes- you just don’t do it. #### and Lesbian Rights organizations are going to have a field day with this one, I can just feel it. When confronted by reporters questioning his choice of words, Ozzie decided to go with his bread and better excuse of not knowing what the term “####” meant to Americans. He said, “I don't have anything against those people. In my country, you call someone something like that and it is not the same as it is in this country.'' When all else fails, deny deny deny. Judging by this picture above it looks like Ozzie isn’t afraid of a little manly affection from time to time. Ozzie isn’t as dumb as he looks. I understand there is somewhat of a language barrier involved being that he was born in South America, but you don’t have a very productive MLB career, become manager of a team at his age, and lead that team in just his second season to the World Series without being somewhat intelligent. Maybe Ozzie is given more slack from reporters because of his broken-English, but they are idiots if they continue to fall for his “I didn’t know” nonsense. The best part about this whole story is what Ozzie said to apparently defend his anti-homophobic attitude. According to Ozzie, he has #### friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert, and plans on going to the #### Games in Chicago. He attends WNBA games does he? Judging by his comments, it would lead us to believe that lesbians are ever present at WNBA games. Easy Ozzie, Sheryl Swoops is the only openly #### player in the league, so I would be careful about assuming that lesbians are swarming all over that league. Even if they are, no one is stupid enough to say it, well, except for Ozzie.
Choosing the nickname for a professional sports team is very serious business. Teams need to make sure that the name has some team-specific significance, that it isn’t too corny, and that it is not confusing to fans. Unfortunately, New Zealand’s badminton team, affectionately known as the Black 
Life wouldn’t be much fun without your friends. It would be even worse without baseball. In honor of the best series on television and the best sport in the world, I present to you Baseball’s Best Entourages. I used "Entourage’s" four main characters- Vince, Eric, Drama, and Turtle and matched them up with baseball players who most accurately resemble their characteristics on a respective team. Let’s first look at the qualities that make up each character on the show. 
The 2006 ESPY awards have come and gone. In case you missed it the evening was filled with laughs, tears and as always some unintentional comedy. Here is a rundown of some of the show’s highlights and lowlights. 
The mid-season report cards are in. Find out if your team is making the grade and see which player is bringing down the class average. We all know which players are All-Stars so let’s take a look at those not pulling their weight. From an AWOL player to a deer meat fiasco, it’s all here. 
Jose Canseco is back baby. The former Bash Brother is taking his career to whole new level. On Thursday, Canseco signed a contract to play for the San Diego Surf Dawgs of the Golden Baseball League. If appearing on the Surreal Life last year didn’t damage Canseco’s image enough, this move could bring him to a whole new low. Except that Canseco has nothing to lose by returning to baseball. Every Major Leaguer pretty much hates him after he ratted out all of baseball with his book Juiced and Supreme Court testimony. And since Jose probably isn’t looking to make any new friends and the fact that he craves attention, this will be a perfect fit. Thought to be baseball’s lowest rung, the GBL isn’t new to this sort of start attention. Last year Rickey Henderson suited up for the Surf Dawgs as he tried to get the attention of a Major League club. Not sure how well that turned out for Rickey, but I don’t think the MLB is in the market for many 40-year-old base stealers. Unlike Rickey, this move might be brilliant for Canseco. Consider: Canseco immediately becomes the league’s biggest star. His $2,500 a month salary is the league maximum and he instantly becomes the odds on favorite to lead the league in homeruns. If this guy was juicing for so many years, like he claims to have done, some of that residue has to still be in his system. I’m sensing some 500 foot homeruns in his near future. Perhaps the best part about this whole deal is that the Surf Dawgs are signing Canseco to not only hit but also pitch. Yes, pitch. He of the 27.00 career ERA in the majors will be taking his act to the mound, where he will showcase his knuckleball. In Canseco’s one inning as a pitcher he walked the bases loaded and allowed three earned runs. Sound like the perfect starting pitcher for the Surf Dawgs to me. Steroids or not, Canseco was still one of the most exciting players in the game in his prime. I’m gonna go see him play just so I can get my Surreal Life cast photo signed. 
The winning league of this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star game will once again receive home-field advantage in the World Series. This makes zero sense considering that the best players in each league most likely will not be represented in that game. Just because Joe Sports Fan is sitting in his living room right now, clicking and clicking and clicking for his entire favorite team to make the All-Star team, there are a handful of more deserving players getting 
The Mouth of the South(side) is at it again. Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, known for his less than able ability to bite his tongue, might have just crossed into uncharted territories. Ozzie dropped the F-bomb. No, not that four letter expletive, which coincidently is just as common in his vocabulary as hit, steal and bunt. Nope, Ozzie decided to drop the term “
