Life wouldn’t be much fun without your friends. It would be even worse without baseball. In honor of the best series on television and the best sport in the world, I present to you Baseball’s Best Entourages. I used "Entourage’s" four main characters- Vince, Eric, Drama, and Turtle and matched them up with baseball players who most accurately resemble their characteristics on a respective team. Let’s first look at the qualities that make up each character on the show.

Vince role: The leader of the pack. He is popular with fans, dresses well, and can do no wrong.

Eric role: The brains behind the operation. He is smart and always in control. Makes sure that his star gets big results.

Drama role: The elder statesman. He is a little "out there" and extremely temperamental. Is used to overcoming diversity.

Turtle role: The class clown of the crew. He is youthful, keeps the mood light, and is up for anything.

 

New York Yankees

Vince: Derek Jeter

Eric: Mariano Rivera

Drama: Alex Rodriguez

Turtle: Johnny Damon

What Vince is to Hollywood, Jeter is to New York. The team captain and all-around heartthrob is the most popular player in pinstripes. Alex Rodriguez will always be living in Jeter’s shadow and his recent string of horrendous D isn’t winning him many new fans. The flamboyant centerfielder, Damon is new to the crew but keeps the levels of seriousness in the clubhouse to a minimum. Much like Eric in a meeting with Ari, Rivera is all about business. When he enters the game in a save situation, he will not disappoint.

 

Oakland Athletics

Vince: Barry Zito

Eric: Rich Harden

Drama: Milton Bradley

Turtle: Eric Chavez

What Drama is to bashing a car windshield with a golf club in Malibu, Bradley is to smashing a beer bottle in front of fans at Dodger Stadium. An uncontrollable temper is something these two definitely don’t hide. Zito has the boy band looks and carefree attitude that drives the women crazy. As Vince is counted on to bring home big pay checks, Zito is counted on to bring home lots of wins. Chavez is the one Athletic who hasn’t bolted via free agency. Like Turtle, Chavez is comfortable where he is at. As long as he is getting paid he will have a smile on his face

 

Boston Red Sox

Vince: David Ortiz

Eric: Curt Schilling

Drama: Manny Ramirez

Turtle: Jonathan Papelbon

Curt Schilling is one of the most calculated pitchers in the game. He is always prepared and very sharp on game days. He is rarely out-pitched and keeps the games close so his star hitter can come through with some clutch RBIs. Manny Ramirez, who once was the star of the Red Sox, comes up big from time to time but is too unreliable to trust day in and day out. Like Drama going in for an acting audition, you never know what to expect out of Manny. Papelbon is a guy who will always get a laugh out of his teammates. As if cutting his hair like Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn from the movie Major League earlier this season wasn’t a hint.

 

Anaheim Angels

Vince: Vladimir Guerrero

Eric: Francisco Rodriguez

Drama: Garrett Anderson

Turtle: Jared Weaver

Vince’s breakout role in Queen’s Boulevard is reminiscent of Guerrero joining the Angeles. Prior to this, Vlad was caught in the baseball purgatory that is Montreal. People knew he was good and that he had the potential to be a star, but he needed to prove it on a bigger stage. Since arriving in LA, Guerrero has become a perennial MVP candidate and one of the biggest draws in town. Garret Anderson’s career has hit a rough patch of late. After numerous injuries slowed him down, this former hitting machine still shouldn’t be counted out in clutch situations. With Rodriguez coming in at the end of games, the rest of the crew is in good hands.

 

Cleveland Indians

Vince: Grady Sizemore

Eric: Victor Martinez

Drama: Aaron Boone

Turtle: Travis Hafner

With one big homerun in the playoffs versus the Red Sox, Boone became a star much the same way Drama did with his role in Viking Quest. They both have underperformed since, but will always have that one moment to look back on. “VICTORY!!!” Sizemore has become the most popular player in Cleveland. Still a youngster, he has been the catalyst for the team in the batter’s box and in the field. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that his female fans have established a “Grady’s Ladies” fan club. Without all of the fanfare, Martinez has been the most consistent catcher in the American League the past few years. He keeps the team in control and produces daily.

 

New York Mets

Vince: David Wright

Eric: Billy Wagner

Drama: Pedro Martinez

Turtle: Jose Reyes

Wright is the epidemy of Vince. He is young, good looking, talented and carefree. His performance thus far in his career has been nothing short of amazing. Like Vince after starring in Aquaman, Wright is ready for a follow up. Did someone say World Series? These days, no one knows what to expect out of the eccentric Martinez, but when push comes to shove this guy will have your back no matter what. Reyes is the little guy playing second fiddle to the stars. He doesn’t get as much hype as some of his teammates, but when he gets the chance to have the spotlight he doesn’t disappoint. See: Turtle getting Saigon a record deal.

 

St. Louis Cardinals

Vince: Albert Pujols

Eric: Chris Carpenter

Drama: Scott Rolen

Turtle: Jim Edmonds

There might not be a more genuine man in the game than Pujols. Like Vince giving Eric a Maserati, Pujols takes care of those close to him. And like Eric, Carpenter might have trouble accepting the gift. But if he turned it down, you can bet Edmonds would be there to rub it in his face. As long as Edmonds gets to drive once in a while, he is content not leading the show. Rolen doesn’t mind not driving; he doesn’t care how he gets there as long as it leads him back to the top of his game.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers

Vince: Derek Lowe

Eric: Greg Maddux

Drama: Jeff Kent

Turtle: Andre Ethier

Kent is about as awkward as Drama at a Playboy Mansion party. To say his social skills are lacking is an understatement. He might try his best to fit in, but he still sticks out like a sore thumb amidst the younger crowd. Lowe has the part of Playboy partier down pat. Last year he and his wife divorced after Lowe admitted to having a relationship with one of the Fox baseball anchors. Sounds a little like the Vince/Mandy fling on the set of Aquaman to me. Maddux is the doctor that keeps Lowe in check. He doesn’t get sidetracked by the hype, and will keep his younger pitchers’ heads on straight. If you don’t recognize Ethier’s name yet, it’s okay because this kid continues to just go about his business.

 

Houston Astros

Vince: Lance Berkman

Eric: Roger Clemens

Drama: Brad Lidge

Turtle: Craig Biggio

Clemens is as serious a guy as there is in baseball. He is as serious as Eric in a ####. That focus it what drives him to the top of his game, and like Eric he expects results. His teammate Lidge still expects results but his stuff, like Drama trying to act suave, just isn’t working lately. Biggio might not be young anymore but he is still young at heart. His signature dirty batting helmet is as recognizable as Turtle in a Yankees hat.

 

Philadelphia Phillies

Vince: Chase Utley

Eric: Tom Gordon

Drama: Jimmy Rollins

Turtle: Ryan Howard

With Bobby Abreu now out of town, Philadelphia is Utley’s town. He is currently in the midst of the hottest hitting streak of his career and showing no signs of slowing down. Unlike Warner Brothers with Vince, the Phillies better hope they have enough money to convince Utley to stick around when his contract is up. Rollins and Howard remind me of Turtle and Drama at Sundance. I bet they would be bugging and competing with each other the whole time. Hopefully they wouldn't end up with the same occupational hazard that Turtle and Drama encountered.

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The mid-season report cards are in. Find out if your team is making the grade and see which player is bringing down the class average.  We all know which players are All-Stars so let’s take a look at those not pulling their weight. From an AWOL player to a deer meat fiasco, it’s all here.  

 Boston Red Sox

Mid-Season Grade: A

Least Valuable Player: Coco Crisp

It’s hard to find fault in a guy who has been injured for a great portion of the season, but Crisp has been making it difficult for Boston fans to forget Johnny Damon. Maybe he should grow a beard and his hair out long. Just an idea.

New York Yankees

Grade: B-

LVP: Randy Johnson, Shawn Chacon, Carl Pavano

For as good as the Yankees hitting has been their pitching as been equally as bad. All this talk about them adding another bat is just ridiculous. Unless Barry Zito comes knocking, the Yankees will be watching the playoffs from their homes.

Toronto Blue Jays

Grade: B

LVP: A.J. Burnett

This season Burnett is making a little more than one million dollars per inning pitched. Remember in the off-season when baseball people everywhere said that this guy has great stuff but can’t ever seem to stay healthy? Well, apparently everyone but the entire Blue Jays front office.

Baltimore Orioles

Grade: D

LVP: Leo Mazzone

The Orioles have one of the game’s best and most respected pitching coaches in Mazzone. The Orioles pitching staff currently ranks near the bottom of the league in ERA. Something isn’t adding up.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Grade: C+

LVP: Aubrey Huff

This guy plays the first half of each season like he is awaking from a tranquilizer shot. He somehow decides to start hitting right before the All-Star break and goes on a tear for three months, just to make sure that he doesn’t get cut in the off-season. 

 Detroit Tigers

Grade: A+

LVP: Dmitri Young

The best thing to happen to the Tigers this year was Young going AWOL after being sought by police for failing to appear in court. Which wasn’t quite as embarrassing as the “Hot Dog Incident” in Milwaukee a few years back. The further Young stays away from this team, the better.

Chicago White Sox

Grade: A

LVP: Jon Garland

After winning 18 games and making himself a perennial Cy Young contender, Garland got paid handsomely by the Sox and suddenly started to suck. Wow, I haven’t seen this happen ever. He currently has an ERA of 5.37 yet has managed 8 wins due in large part to a potent offense. Someone owes Thome, Konerko and Dye a round of drinks.

Minnesota Twins

Grade: B

LVP: The entire starting staff besides Santana and Liriano

I think Santana has a long lost twin, and it turns out that it is Liriano. These two guys are mirror images of each other- no one can hit them. The Twins might have the two filthiest lefties in the game, but the rest of their staff is a sight for sore eyes.

Cleveland Indians

Grade: D

LVP: Bob Wickman

The most underachieving team of the year by far. They were supposed to make a run at the World Series this year and instead sit in front of the lowly Royals. They stay have a solid base of youngsters to build around, but Bob “Heavyweight” Wickman and his 4.50 ERA isn’t doing much but clogging the buffet line after games.

Kansas City Royals

Grade: F

LVP: Mark Grudzielanek

The Royals were expected to be one of the worst team’s in baseball and so far they are doing what’s expected. I have zero sympathy for Grudzielanek, who turned down offers from playoff bound teams to join Kansas City for more money. Maybe with that extra money he can buy some common sense.

Oakland Athletics

Grade: B-

LVP: Milton Bradley

Bradley was supposedly the guy the A’s needed in the middle of the lineup to put them over the top. So far Bradley has spent more time in AAA on rehab assignments than he has in the Oakland outfield. At least he hasn’t choked a fan or fought a teammate- yet.

Texas Rangers

Grade: B-

LVP: Mark Teixeira

This guy is killing my fantasy team. Not only is Teixeira the biggest bust in fantasy baseball this year, but he might be the biggest bust in real baseball as well. After hitting 43 dingers last year he has managed only 9 this year. Can someone say power outage?

Los Angeles Angels

Grade: D

LVP: Jeff Weaver

In 20 years, “Who is Jeff Weaver” will be the answer to this Jeopardy sports question- “This former Angel was joined by his younger brother in the starting rotation only to be subsequently replaced by his brother weeks later, creating one of the most awkward situations in all of sports.” Ding ding ding.

Seattle Mariners

Grade: C+

LVP: Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre

These two are the Bash Brothers of Bust. Seattle shelled out some serious dough only to see them flail at more breaking balls than Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000. If Sexson and Beltre combine for a .500 BA, fireworks might ensue.

New York Mets

Grade: A

LVP: Jose Lima

Lima Time is the worst thing to happen to NY since Mo Vaughn. If he pitched half as well entertained, Met fans might have something to cheer for. Will Lima ever help the Mets in this lifetime? No way Jose.

Philadelphia Phillies

Grade: D+

LVP: Gavin Floyd

Brett Myers would be the obvious choice based on his off-field problems. I’ve decided to cut him some slack and put the blame on the guy with the 7 plus ERA. Not only is Floyd supposed to be good but he is supposed to be a stud. Perhaps Mitch Williams should get another shot in Philly.

Atlanta Braves

Grade: D-

LVP: Whoever is the closer

The two biggest mistakes the Braves have made in recent years. 1) Allowing Leo Mazzone to leave and 2) removing John Smotlz from the closer’s role and putting him back in the starting rotation. Since both of these happened I think the Braves have about as many blown saves as Jeff Francoeur has strikeouts.

Florida Marlins

Grade: B+

LVP: Ownership

The Marlins’ owners got rid of anything they could in the off-season if it saved them money. I heard even the left over hot dogs were pawned off. Despite that, this young team of inexperienced players is sticking it to the man by playing some very good ball. In a few years Florida will compete for a championship and like clockwork be torn apart from head to toe. Count on it.

Washington Nationals

Grade: C

LVP: Jose Guillen

Guillen is either the most inconsistent player in history or the smartest man alive. If he is playing for a bad team he coasts through games and sulks enough to the point that a contending team takes a chance and trades for him. Then he hits the #### out of the ball and earns himself millions of extra dollars on his next contract. I saw it happen when he arrived in Oakland via Cincinnati and I bet it happens again this year.

St. Louis Cardinals

Grade: B-

LVP: Mark Mulder

When Mulder is pitching worse than Sidney “Big Boy” Ponson your team has a problem. Their solution? Trade for Jeff Weaver and his 6.30 ERA. For as good as the Cards have been, their pitching has been nothing short of disgusting. Someone page Rick Ankiel, quickly.

Cincinnati Reds

Grade: B+

LVP: Eddie Guardado

Everyday Eddie has yet to blow a save for the Reds yet, but he blows games like he gets paid for it. Luckily the Reds are used to blown saves so the transition for their fans should be an easy one.

Milwaukee Brewers

Grade: B

LVP: Ben Sheets

Ben Sheets throws fastballs like Roger Clemens but spends as much time on the DL as Kerry Wood. Even Bob Uecker gets more nervous when Sheets pitches than he does around his alleged stalker. Get Sheets healthy and the Brewers have themselves a squad.

Houston Astros

Grade: C

LVP: Roger Clemens

Just think if Clemens actually committed to his team and pitched the entire season for them, how much better they would be right now. If Houston doesn’t make the playoffs, the team should ask Roger for a refund. Their not paying him to finish in fourth, that’s for sure.

Chicago Cubs

Grade: F

LVP: Dusty Baker

Is there a more hated man in Chicago right now? Forget Steve Bartman, Baker better get out before someone shoots him in the back on the way to the pitcher’s mound. The Cubs need to blow up Wrigley Field, fire the whole team and just start all over again. Oh and bringing back Harry Carey’s ghost wouldn’t hurt either.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Grade: F

LVP: Oliver Perez and Zach Duke

The Pirates just aren’t very good. Luckily the All-Star Game is in Pittsburg or they might be in danger of not selling out a single game in stadium history. Just when the team thought they were turning it around, anchored by studs Perez and Duke, these two decided flamed out big time. If only Jason Bay could pitch.

San Diego Padres

Grade: B

LVP: Jake Peavy

If someone knows what is wrong with Peavy they should let him know. If not, he is in danger of being out pitched by Chan #### Park. Yes, the same Chan #### Park who had an ERA of like 8.00 in Texas.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Grade: B

LVP: Danys Baez

At the beginning of the season Baez said he was unhappy about not closing. Then when Eric Gagne goes down and he is made the closer, he can’t hit the side of a barn. Apparently the pressure in LA, where games actually count, is a little more intense than in Tampa Bay

Colorado Rockies

Grade: B-

LVP: Clint Barmes

Ever sine the deer meat fiasco, Barmes has not been the same player. He went from future All-Star to flirting with the Mendoza line in a blink of an eye. Even in Colorado he is still managing a .208 average. That has to be some kind of record. I think Mike Hampton hit like .275 when played there.

San Francisco Giants

Grade: C-

LVP: Barry Bonds

Let’s face it, Bonds isn’t the same Bonds of five years ago. He is on pace to be the most overmatched defense player in history. Barry plays about as much D as Stephon Marbury does on the basketball court. Will someone please get him a wheelchair already?

Arizona Diamondbacks

Grade: C-

LVP: Russ Ortiz

Ortiz doesn’t have to pitch another day in his life and will still be paid about $20 million. The way he was pitching before being released looked like he was getting paid per run allowed. But coincidently the Diamondbacks record started to plummet at the same time Ortiz was released. Some things just don’t make any sense.

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