What a relief to escape the heavy breathing over the Patriots for a week!    I truly believe we went almost a week without the media's incessant braying about the "Greatest Team in the History of the Universe."  Tom Brady will have to go back to asking his mirror:  "Whose ####'s are finest of them all?"   Two more wins and Brady will be nominated for beatification and Randy Moss will have to give up his street cred....

After the Jaguars pound the Patriots into submission this week Maurice Jones-Drew and John Henderson will have to go into the witness-protection program.

Is it just a co-incidence that Martina Hingis and Roger Clemens have both opted for retirement?  Martina's agent says she doesn't use cocaine, she just likes the way it smells. True sports fans all across America should beg the Steroid Rocket to come back just one more time.  It would be a joy to watch him serve up that 37 mph fastball he's sporting without his cheating boosters.  Retiring is the ultimate admission of guilt for Clemens-there is no way he retires if he could still compete.  Obviously, without the juice, he can't.

Got to give credit where credit is due:  The perfomance by Seattle's punter,  Ryan Plackemeier,  may have been the greatest performance in post-season history by a punter.  Every kick was executed to perfection with the Redskins getting 0 yards in returns.  Not one punt was returned a single yard and all of them were inside the 10 yard line!  How do you get any better than that?

Note to Titan's coach Jeff Fisher:  Nice defense and solid offensive line play.  Now wake up and trade Vince Young while you he still has signficant trade value.  Young will never be a top level NFL quarterback.  Take that wishbone, wishful thinking to the trading table and draft a pocket passer.  Young's instinct is to run at the first sign of trouble.  With a bit of pocket presence the Titan's could have stolen that game from the woefully underacheiving Chargers offense.

Speaking of woefull under-achievers, how 'bout that Redskins offense?  I didn't think it was possible to make the Smells-Like-Team-Spirit Seahawks look good.   Here's a line for Hasselbeck vs the Packers:  We're taking the collar and we're going to choke!

Is there any doubt that the AFC South is hands-down the best division in football?  The post-season was an Albert Haynesworth tantrum away from having 3 of the 4 teams in the division finals from the South.  And Gary Kubiak's Texans ain't no patsies, either!

And what about that wacky Hanynesworth? It's bad enough to jump offsides at a critical moment, Albert.  Dusting Philip Rivers probably cost your team the game.  You read it here first:  this head-stomping, Pacman-taunting fuming mountain of blubber will come to a bad end.  And soon.  I'm sure his file is sitting on the corner of Roger Goodell's desk.  Can anyone be that filled with rage on their own natural body chemistry?

Did you know that Peyton Manning had a little brother?  At least the guy that showed up in Tampa looked like a Manning.  Nice work Eli.  Your team looks a lot more like a winner now that that back-stabbing poser named after a patio torch is getting paid to mouth off.  I believe there will be a come-to-Jesus meeting down in Dallas this weekend and Tony Romo had better have been saying his nevers.  Right now Eli looks like the better quarterback.

Props offered to Bob Sanders, All-World safety for the Indianapolis Colts, announced as Defensive Player of the Year for the NFL, and justly so.  We know that 2/3rds of the earth is covered by water and the rest is covered by Bob Sanders.  Do you know how you can tell which wide receivers dared to run slant routes in front of Bob Sanders?  Dental records.

 And I will close this week's early rant with my Worst Coach of the Year award.  Sure its easy to pick the top coaches, but who really played the biggest role in sucking the mojo out of his team?  Topping the list, you gotta love Bobby Petrino.  Talk about kicking someone when they are down, this dirt-eating slug high-tailed it the moment he got the chance.   Probably unable and absolutely unwilling to make the sacrifice necessary to help his team.  They never recovered from the wrenchingly miserable conclusion to a bad draft pick that no one ever imagined could have gone so horribly wrong.  There's some powerful bad karma down in Atlanta.   Petrino may think he escaped it, but he probably just dragged his part down to Fayetteville.  Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered!

As bizarre as the year 2007 played out, what with stratospheric salaries, an omni-present media, and every Tom, Harry and Craphonso looking for his 15 minutes of fame,  2008 can only get weirder:

  Gi-normous flameout, Jamarcus Russell, doing his best Ryan Leaf imitation, will abandon the Oakland Raiders and challenge Kobiyashi of Competitive Eating fame to a cheeseburger-eating contest.  Russell is already in training with his new fitness coach, William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

  Patriot's head coach, Bill Belichick, basking in the glow of an almost perfect, 17-1 season, opts to try his hand at acting.  In a made-for-TV special, Belichick will play the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski.  Director Martin Scorcese hand-picked Belichick for the role because he dresses like the Unabomber, has similar hygiene, and it isn't a stretch for the audience to see Coach Belichick as a deranged hermit.

  Reeling from the double-whammy of the Cowboy's loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLII and subsequently being dumped by Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo goes to court and has his name legally changed to "Tony Romeo."   Romeo continues to slide down the C and D list of celebrity starlets and is caught by Paparazzi,  head freshly shaven and  snuggling with Brittany Spears

  Arthur Blank, still smarting from the firestorm of negative energy surrounding the Atlanta Falcons in 2007, signs Marcus Vick  as his new quarterback.  Blank pointed out that the Vick family has been an important part of the Atlanta community and that the younger Vick should be a model citizen under new head coach, Gary Moeller.  The former head coach at the University of Michigan has sworn to stay with the team throughout his 5 year contract and was quoted: "Who else is going to hire me anyway?"

  Roger Clemens, in a determined effort to restore his tarnished reputation, turns over a new leaf for 2008.  Reporting to the Yankees spring-training camp at a svelte 195, Clemens attributes his leaner physique to a new-found diet and exercise program.  Claiming to be tired of being a fireballer, Clemens has developed a knuckle ball and will work on his off-speed pitches.  Questioned about this alleged use of steroids and human-growth hormone, Roger fired back:  "  Would I look this thin if I were still taking, er.....I mean taking HGH?"

  An additional note from the Clemens camp reports that his attorney, Rusty Hardin, is conducting his own investigation into the possible use of performance-enhancing drugs by Clemens and others.  Not a moment too soon!  Hardin also reports that he is assisting O.J. Simpson in his Las Vegas assault and kidnapping trial.  Since O.J. may be tied up for a while, Hardin adds that he will take over O.J.'s search for the real killer as well.

  The world of professional golf is rocked by scandal in 2008, as representatives for Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and 17 other top tour pros allege that Tiger Woods, in a complicated scheme involving clothing manufacturers, has been colluding with those companies.  It seems that all of the top tour pros have been receiving golf shirts with necks several sizes too small, causing the players to chafe and choke in Tiger's presence.  John Daly, in the boldest move on this front, has petitioned the TPA and the PGA to play shirtless this season.

  In a brilliant and deft move, controversial New York Knicks President, Isiah Thomas, while clinging to his dream of completely dismantling the Knicks, has taken a 2nd job as diplomat at the United Nations.   With his new position, Zeke  can park wherever he wants, call women "####es" in over 100 languages, and claim diplomatic immunity for any additional crimes or civil infractions he chooses to commit.

 And the Major League Baseball Players association has finally agreed to take a stand on testing for performance-enhancing drugs.  Starting in the 2008 season and continuing through the 2009 season, the MLBPA has agreed to begin random testing on all retired members of the union.  Once results are in, the union will look at possible further testing.