As the NFL gears up for the divisional championships, its time for a brief  and embellished look at the week in sports:

The New England Patriots, released their new team slogan, "Resident Evil" to the media today along with the announcement that they have acquired the rights to the Titan's Pacman Jones.  A spokesman for the Pats announced:  "We feel we are the 21st century version of the Oakland Raiders.  The acquisition of Randy Moss has been so successful that we are expanding our free agent search.  Send us your cast-offs, troublemakers and miscreants. " Informed sources reveal that Bill Belichick has representatives negotiating with the parole board at Leavenworth in order to secure an early release for Michael Vick.  Rumor has it Belichick has lawyers working with agents for Rae Carruth as well.

Looks like those Dallas Cowboys fans, fearing that celebrity airhead Jessica Simpson would bring bad luck to the Cowboys games, were right on the money.  America's Team supporters now refer to Ms. Simpson as Yoko Romo.

T.O.'s blubbering performance post-game in Dallas continues to demonstrate the wacky wide receiver's emotional stablity.  Who does he think he is, Hillary Clinton?

 The San Francisco 49er's, in a desperate move to acquire the 1st draft pick in the 2009 NFL draft,  hired Mike Martz as offensive co-ordinator.   Despite the fact that Martz's work for the Detroit Lions as co-ordinator left them trailing the almost perfectly inept Miami Dolphins for the 2008 premier selection, the 49er's braintrust felt they didn't need to drop much further to secure the rights to Tim Tebow. 

Roger Clemens continues his relentless pursuit of the title Most Hated Man in Sports.   The sputtering Rocket's inarticulate bullying and preposterous legal maneuvering continue to reveal the fact that no one in America ever really liked him much anyway.

Volunteer media punching bag, Isiah Thomas remains on Clemens' heals, with a surgically precise evisceration of the once proud New York Knicks basketball franchise.  As of today, the Knicks have a .265 winning percentage.  The Knicks are horrible on the court, pounded in the press and they are handing out lawsuit money like Mike Tyson at a car dealership.  Are there any adults left in charge in the Knicks' front office? 

In a surprise announcement, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy will be retiring and will join Dancing with the Stars.  The 2008 fall lineup includes a number of figures from professional sports including Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets, Butterbean of professional boxing fame and tennis star Martina Navratilova.  Producers aren't quite sure who they will partner up with Navratilova, but are working on the details.

The spector of drug use now haunts the world of golf, as the ReMax World's Long Driving Championship came to a close on Christmas day.  It seems Mike Dobbyn's 385 yard poke was bested by Seniors divsion winner, Frank Miller.  Miller's drive was measured at 394 yards.  When tour officials were asked if it was believed steriods were being used, they replied: "No, we think it was Viagra."

Congratulations are in order for the recently engaged Greg "Shark" Norman and tennis champion, Chris Evert.   Chris was seen sporting a 5 carat engagement ring.  As expected, publicity hungry athletes have forged a number of copy-cat engagements in order to get their names back in the news.  Word has it John Daly and Tonya Harding are hooking up. They sealed their engagement with a beer can pull-tab serving as the ring. 

More smooth moves from "Miguel" Simpson, better known as O.J. to most of us, as the Juice put the squeeze on one of his co-defendants in a prohibited phone call.  Clearly in violation of his probationary requirement to not make contact with his co-defendants, O.J. was brought in by agents from You Ring We Spring Bail Bonds of North Las Vegas.  News reports did not include the full alias used by Simpson, but "Miguel Mexico" has a nice ring to it.   The Juice must love that jailhouse cookin'! 

Indiana Pacers President of Basketball Operations, Larry Bird, today announced a series of lectures based on his forthcoming book, "Discipline Your Team like Dr. Spock."  Rejecting the stern, disciplinarian approach favored by coaches like Bobby Knight and John Wooden, Bird has elected a gentler path, more in keeping with the teachings of 50's permissive, Dr. Spock.  The team's lack of success in recent seasons, with constant disruptions from players like Ron Artest, Jamal Tinsley, Shawne Williams and David Harrison speaks volumes about Bird's approach.  As a motivator and coach, Bird looked pretty slick.  As a personnel director and policy enforcer, he truly looks like a hick from French Lick.

The unspoken tragedy surrounding the Marion Jones performance-enhancing drug/perjury scandal is the fact that she didn't have to use them!  Jones would likely have been OIympic champion without using any enhancers. Truly gifted with speed and beauty and grace and strength, she still elected to cheat.  This would be like Tiger Woods executing a foot-mashie to kick his ball out of a bad lie, or Bill Belichick video-taping the sideline signals of his opponents.  Why cheat when you can win fair and square? 

Just because New England is  successful with Randy Moss in the line-up doesn't mean that he is no longer a cancer.  The Patriots are simply in remisssion.

What a relief to escape the heavy breathing over the Patriots for a week!    I truly believe we went almost a week without the media's incessant braying about the "Greatest Team in the History of the Universe."  Tom Brady will have to go back to asking his mirror:  "Whose ####'s are finest of them all?"   Two more wins and Brady will be nominated for beatification and Randy Moss will have to give up his street cred....

After the Jaguars pound the Patriots into submission this week Maurice Jones-Drew and John Henderson will have to go into the witness-protection program.

Is it just a co-incidence that Martina Hingis and Roger Clemens have both opted for retirement?  Martina's agent says she doesn't use cocaine, she just likes the way it smells. True sports fans all across America should beg the Steroid Rocket to come back just one more time.  It would be a joy to watch him serve up that 37 mph fastball he's sporting without his cheating boosters.  Retiring is the ultimate admission of guilt for Clemens-there is no way he retires if he could still compete.  Obviously, without the juice, he can't.

Got to give credit where credit is due:  The perfomance by Seattle's punter,  Ryan Plackemeier,  may have been the greatest performance in post-season history by a punter.  Every kick was executed to perfection with the Redskins getting 0 yards in returns.  Not one punt was returned a single yard and all of them were inside the 10 yard line!  How do you get any better than that?

Note to Titan's coach Jeff Fisher:  Nice defense and solid offensive line play.  Now wake up and trade Vince Young while you he still has signficant trade value.  Young will never be a top level NFL quarterback.  Take that wishbone, wishful thinking to the trading table and draft a pocket passer.  Young's instinct is to run at the first sign of trouble.  With a bit of pocket presence the Titan's could have stolen that game from the woefully underacheiving Chargers offense.

Speaking of woefull under-achievers, how 'bout that Redskins offense?  I didn't think it was possible to make the Smells-Like-Team-Spirit Seahawks look good.   Here's a line for Hasselbeck vs the Packers:  We're taking the collar and we're going to choke!

Is there any doubt that the AFC South is hands-down the best division in football?  The post-season was an Albert Haynesworth tantrum away from having 3 of the 4 teams in the division finals from the South.  And Gary Kubiak's Texans ain't no patsies, either!

And what about that wacky Hanynesworth? It's bad enough to jump offsides at a critical moment, Albert.  Dusting Philip Rivers probably cost your team the game.  You read it here first:  this head-stomping, Pacman-taunting fuming mountain of blubber will come to a bad end.  And soon.  I'm sure his file is sitting on the corner of Roger Goodell's desk.  Can anyone be that filled with rage on their own natural body chemistry?

Did you know that Peyton Manning had a little brother?  At least the guy that showed up in Tampa looked like a Manning.  Nice work Eli.  Your team looks a lot more like a winner now that that back-stabbing poser named after a patio torch is getting paid to mouth off.  I believe there will be a come-to-Jesus meeting down in Dallas this weekend and Tony Romo had better have been saying his nevers.  Right now Eli looks like the better quarterback.

Props offered to Bob Sanders, All-World safety for the Indianapolis Colts, announced as Defensive Player of the Year for the NFL, and justly so.  We know that 2/3rds of the earth is covered by water and the rest is covered by Bob Sanders.  Do you know how you can tell which wide receivers dared to run slant routes in front of Bob Sanders?  Dental records.

 And I will close this week's early rant with my Worst Coach of the Year award.  Sure its easy to pick the top coaches, but who really played the biggest role in sucking the mojo out of his team?  Topping the list, you gotta love Bobby Petrino.  Talk about kicking someone when they are down, this dirt-eating slug high-tailed it the moment he got the chance.   Probably unable and absolutely unwilling to make the sacrifice necessary to help his team.  They never recovered from the wrenchingly miserable conclusion to a bad draft pick that no one ever imagined could have gone so horribly wrong.  There's some powerful bad karma down in Atlanta.   Petrino may think he escaped it, but he probably just dragged his part down to Fayetteville.  Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered!

If you thought the American Sports scene was goofy in 2007, get a load of what's in store for 2008:

  Sadly, the Shaquille O'Neal era in the NBA comes to a close, as the Shaq-Daddy has gotten so large his teammates can no longer escape his gravitational pull.   This has been  particularly rough on the Heat's fast break.

  Pressured to respond to the torrent of allegations regarding the use of performance-enhancing drugs by its members, the Major League Baseball Players Association continues to resist co-operation with drug testing for the league.  Instead, the union has agreed to provide funds for each team to employ a team Apologist. 

  Scottie Pippen discovers his true calling and enters the Democratic Presidential race.   Feeling he had set his sights too low, Scottie reminded our reporter that he was a better player than Michael Jordan and that the Chicago Bulls missed their chance to hire him as head coach after the firing of Scott Skiles.   Sayeth Scottie: "Everybody knows I am smarter than Hillary Clinton and a better lawyer than John Edwards.  Oh, and Oprah likes me better than Barrack Obama too."

    Sports Medicine clinics all over the world  scramble for the services of the Indianapolis Colts' orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Robert Oz, on the heals of Marvin Harrison's remarkable performance in Super Bowl XLII.  Likening Marvin's surgery to the Tommy John elbow surgery which revolutionized treatment for MLB pitchers, a spokesman for the Colts elaborated:  "Sorry we had to keep this under wraps all season.   But Marvin's bionic knee has got him running 3.8 40's. His double-back flip over the cross bar after scoring his first Super Bowl touchdown had us all thinking Flubber."  Oz claims to be working on a personality for Terrell Owens, a heart for Bill Belichick and a brain for Pacman Jones.

 While allegations from Jose Canseco's latest narc-out of fellow players over steriod use continue to rock MLB, pundits continue to ask: How can a guy who can't read, write books?

   NBA Commisisoner, David Stern takes a leave of abscence from pro basketball to serve his country as Press Secretary for President-elect, Mitt Romney.  Responding to questions about what many see as a curious choice, a spokeman for Romney responded:  "This guy was in charge of a league that saw the most heinous threat to its integrity any sport has ever seen.  Baseball's Black Sox scandal pales in comparison to the Tim Donaghy gambling fiasco.  Here you have a league completely compromised by the revelation that at least one of its referees has been actively betting on games.  Not just any games, these were games that Donaghy  was officiating,  including playoff and championship games.  And he was providing information about those games to bookies and other gamblers and apparently other referees.  In the face of all this damning information, Stern has effectively kept this investigation and the story surrounding it out of the main stream media.  If Mitt Romney had an overdue book from his grade school library it becomes front page news for the MSN, but the fact that the results of most NBA games dating back to 2005 are completely bogus doesn't  warrant a story in the press?   We told Mr. Stern he could name his price to become our Press Secretary.  The price was high, but there isn't anyone in the world outside the Mossad who could have kept the rot at the core of the NBA out of the press.  He is one gi-normous leak-stopper."

  In an unprecendented move, the WNBA has taken on a league sponsor.  While stadiums and bowl games have long been given adverting monikers, like "The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl," it will take some time to get used to referring to the league by its new name: The Birkenstocks WNBA.

  LPGA phenom, Michelle Wie, following a disappointing 2007 season, has decided to change her focus for the 2008 season.  Rather than competing in actual LPGA events where she might have to actually play a solid round of golf every once in a while, Michelle will alternate qualifying attempts on the men's tour with appearances on American Gladiator and America's Next Top Model.

  Another tumultuous season at Notre Dame brings back memories of the torturous years under Coach Gerry Faust.  The "Oust Faust" campaign finally brought the school to fire Faust and a similar campaign mounted by angry Irish alumni this season  has Charlie Weis packing his bags.  The "Schmeis Weis" bandwagon finally got the big guy his pink slip.  Sporting his trade-mark turtle neck pants, Charlie announced he was electing to have his gastric by-pass surgery reversed so that he can join  Rosie O'Donnnell, Jamarcus Russell and the now-zaftig Olson Twins on "Celebrity Competitive Eating," the latest reality TV show.

  Bill Parcells steps right up with the Miami Dolphins top pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, selecting Hawaii's gunslinger, Colt Brennan.  The Big Tuna then packages the Dolphins 2nd pick with the rights to Jason Allen, sending them to the Dallas Cowboys for Terrell Owens.  Parcells then announces that T.O. was placed on Injured Reserve for the remainder of the 2008 season, mumbling something about "brain damage."

   And remember you saw it here first, the complete AFC playoff projection for January 2008. 

San Diego smokes Tennessee, with or without the pitiful efforts of Vince Young.  Jacksonville jacks Pittsburgh once again.   Colts rip San Diego and Norv Turner goes home jobless once again.  Jags beat the Patriots senseless, both on the score board and the field of play and they wander back to Indianapolis to get smacked down for the 3rd time this season.  You can take this to the bank!

  As for the NFC-who cares?  Whoever it is loses by 3 touchdowns in the Super Bowl as the Colts repeat.

As bizarre as the year 2007 played out, what with stratospheric salaries, an omni-present media, and every Tom, Harry and Craphonso looking for his 15 minutes of fame,  2008 can only get weirder:

  Gi-normous flameout, Jamarcus Russell, doing his best Ryan Leaf imitation, will abandon the Oakland Raiders and challenge Kobiyashi of Competitive Eating fame to a cheeseburger-eating contest.  Russell is already in training with his new fitness coach, William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

  Patriot's head coach, Bill Belichick, basking in the glow of an almost perfect, 17-1 season, opts to try his hand at acting.  In a made-for-TV special, Belichick will play the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski.  Director Martin Scorcese hand-picked Belichick for the role because he dresses like the Unabomber, has similar hygiene, and it isn't a stretch for the audience to see Coach Belichick as a deranged hermit.

  Reeling from the double-whammy of the Cowboy's loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLII and subsequently being dumped by Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo goes to court and has his name legally changed to "Tony Romeo."   Romeo continues to slide down the C and D list of celebrity starlets and is caught by Paparazzi,  head freshly shaven and  snuggling with Brittany Spears

  Arthur Blank, still smarting from the firestorm of negative energy surrounding the Atlanta Falcons in 2007, signs Marcus Vick  as his new quarterback.  Blank pointed out that the Vick family has been an important part of the Atlanta community and that the younger Vick should be a model citizen under new head coach, Gary Moeller.  The former head coach at the University of Michigan has sworn to stay with the team throughout his 5 year contract and was quoted: "Who else is going to hire me anyway?"

  Roger Clemens, in a determined effort to restore his tarnished reputation, turns over a new leaf for 2008.  Reporting to the Yankees spring-training camp at a svelte 195, Clemens attributes his leaner physique to a new-found diet and exercise program.  Claiming to be tired of being a fireballer, Clemens has developed a knuckle ball and will work on his off-speed pitches.  Questioned about this alleged use of steroids and human-growth hormone, Roger fired back:  "  Would I look this thin if I were still taking, er.....I mean taking HGH?"

  An additional note from the Clemens camp reports that his attorney, Rusty Hardin, is conducting his own investigation into the possible use of performance-enhancing drugs by Clemens and others.  Not a moment too soon!  Hardin also reports that he is assisting O.J. Simpson in his Las Vegas assault and kidnapping trial.  Since O.J. may be tied up for a while, Hardin adds that he will take over O.J.'s search for the real killer as well.

  The world of professional golf is rocked by scandal in 2008, as representatives for Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and 17 other top tour pros allege that Tiger Woods, in a complicated scheme involving clothing manufacturers, has been colluding with those companies.  It seems that all of the top tour pros have been receiving golf shirts with necks several sizes too small, causing the players to chafe and choke in Tiger's presence.  John Daly, in the boldest move on this front, has petitioned the TPA and the PGA to play shirtless this season.

  In a brilliant and deft move, controversial New York Knicks President, Isiah Thomas, while clinging to his dream of completely dismantling the Knicks, has taken a 2nd job as diplomat at the United Nations.   With his new position, Zeke  can park wherever he wants, call women "####es" in over 100 languages, and claim diplomatic immunity for any additional crimes or civil infractions he chooses to commit.

 And the Major League Baseball Players association has finally agreed to take a stand on testing for performance-enhancing drugs.  Starting in the 2008 season and continuing through the 2009 season, the MLBPA has agreed to begin random testing on all retired members of the union.  Once results are in, the union will look at possible further testing.

 It looks like Terrell Owens is finally starting to show his true colors.  Now he is chastising the Cowboys coaches for not making sure he gets his requisite number of drops per game.  And today he started calling Jessica Simpson out for bringing bad luck to America's team.  When's the last time he checked his own ju-ju?  If there is such a thing as karma, Texas stadium will be full of coal by Christmas.

  Bob Costas in his weekly radio rant lamented the fact the Baseball Hall of Fame electors failed to enshrine Major League Baseball Player's Union architect, Marvin Miller.  We think its just a matter of time:  Miller's bust will be going up in Cooperstown just as Satan drops the puck for the first NHL game in Hell. 

  Hope Santa has a tanker truck full of Geritol for that pitiful looking Baltimore Ravens squad.  Is it really possible to watch a team age right before your eyes?  Nobody in the NFL has been worse over the last 7 weeks and the Ravens are 0-Fer including bowing to the lowly Dolphins.

  Has anybody seen or heard from the Colts' Marvin Harrison over the last 10 weeks?  I know the superstar wide-out likes to lay low and keep to himself, but has their even been a Marvin sighting?  No better present for Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning than a healed up, rested Marvelous Marvin for the playoffs....

  And How 'bout those 5 crazy Falcons sporting their "Free Michael Vick" t-shirts and putting on a mini-demonstration on the sidelines during Sunday's game with the Saints?   Is it really possible to be that far out of touch with reality and the public sentiment?  Maybe this was Santa's gift to PETA....

   The Indiana Pacers have now decided that they will keep Jamal Tinsley out of jail or an early grave by  providing him with his own personal security guard to accompany him on his late night search for meaning and ####'s.  There is just no way this could go wrong.....

   In his column, the controversial and entertaining Jason Whitlock came to the defense of Donovan McNabb, proclaiming that Donovan was one of the top 5 quarterbacks in the league.  Hmmm, let's see now, there's Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Brett Favre, Drew Brees, David Garrard, Ben Rothlisberger, Carson Palmer,  Eli Manning.. please stop me when you get to the guy you would give up in exchange for McNabb.  Maybe Santa could get Jason signed as the new Patriots GM.  It would certainly be a gift for the rest of the league!

   The Big Tuna, Bill Parcells has been nosing around the vacated coaching job in Atlanta and its being suggested that he may coach the Dolphins.  What  could possibly be a better match up for the Fish?  And make no mistake about it,  Wade Phillips got his Christmas gift last fall when he was hired to coach that Cowboy team put together by Parcells.

  And how about Senator Mitchell's gift to all of us old time baseball fans?  What could be more satisfying than watching a bunch of cheating, spoiled millionaires squirm and twist in the media wind?  Looks like Roger Clemens would have been just another aging lard-bag without some Androl and Human Growth Hormone.   If he really thinks he is being slandered he can file that lawsuit.  What a pious, bullying fraud!

  Here's wishing the whitest of Christmases for the New England Patriots:  A densely packed stadium full of snow may well test that ground game that is so sorely out of practice.  All I want from Santa is for the Colts to play in New England in the AFC Championshp game, bringing the Pats season to an inglorious 17-1.  What could be sweeter?

    Felice Navidad!