As the NFL gears up for the divisional championships, its time for a brief  and embellished look at the week in sports:

The New England Patriots, released their new team slogan, "Resident Evil" to the media today along with the announcement that they have acquired the rights to the Titan's Pacman Jones.  A spokesman for the Pats announced:  "We feel we are the 21st century version of the Oakland Raiders.  The acquisition of Randy Moss has been so successful that we are expanding our free agent search.  Send us your cast-offs, troublemakers and miscreants. " Informed sources reveal that Bill Belichick has representatives negotiating with the parole board at Leavenworth in order to secure an early release for Michael Vick.  Rumor has it Belichick has lawyers working with agents for Rae Carruth as well.

Looks like those Dallas Cowboys fans, fearing that celebrity airhead Jessica Simpson would bring bad luck to the Cowboys games, were right on the money.  America's Team supporters now refer to Ms. Simpson as Yoko Romo.

T.O.'s blubbering performance post-game in Dallas continues to demonstrate the wacky wide receiver's emotional stablity.  Who does he think he is, Hillary Clinton?

 The San Francisco 49er's, in a desperate move to acquire the 1st draft pick in the 2009 NFL draft,  hired Mike Martz as offensive co-ordinator.   Despite the fact that Martz's work for the Detroit Lions as co-ordinator left them trailing the almost perfectly inept Miami Dolphins for the 2008 premier selection, the 49er's braintrust felt they didn't need to drop much further to secure the rights to Tim Tebow. 

Roger Clemens continues his relentless pursuit of the title Most Hated Man in Sports.   The sputtering Rocket's inarticulate bullying and preposterous legal maneuvering continue to reveal the fact that no one in America ever really liked him much anyway.

Volunteer media punching bag, Isiah Thomas remains on Clemens' heals, with a surgically precise evisceration of the once proud New York Knicks basketball franchise.  As of today, the Knicks have a .265 winning percentage.  The Knicks are horrible on the court, pounded in the press and they are handing out lawsuit money like Mike Tyson at a car dealership.  Are there any adults left in charge in the Knicks' front office? 

In a surprise announcement, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy will be retiring and will join Dancing with the Stars.  The 2008 fall lineup includes a number of figures from professional sports including Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets, Butterbean of professional boxing fame and tennis star Martina Navratilova.  Producers aren't quite sure who they will partner up with Navratilova, but are working on the details.

The spector of drug use now haunts the world of golf, as the ReMax World's Long Driving Championship came to a close on Christmas day.  It seems Mike Dobbyn's 385 yard poke was bested by Seniors divsion winner, Frank Miller.  Miller's drive was measured at 394 yards.  When tour officials were asked if it was believed steriods were being used, they replied: "No, we think it was Viagra."

Congratulations are in order for the recently engaged Greg "Shark" Norman and tennis champion, Chris Evert.   Chris was seen sporting a 5 carat engagement ring.  As expected, publicity hungry athletes have forged a number of copy-cat engagements in order to get their names back in the news.  Word has it John Daly and Tonya Harding are hooking up. They sealed their engagement with a beer can pull-tab serving as the ring. 

More smooth moves from "Miguel" Simpson, better known as O.J. to most of us, as the Juice put the squeeze on one of his co-defendants in a prohibited phone call.  Clearly in violation of his probationary requirement to not make contact with his co-defendants, O.J. was brought in by agents from You Ring We Spring Bail Bonds of North Las Vegas.  News reports did not include the full alias used by Simpson, but "Miguel Mexico" has a nice ring to it.   The Juice must love that jailhouse cookin'! 

Indiana Pacers President of Basketball Operations, Larry Bird, today announced a series of lectures based on his forthcoming book, "Discipline Your Team like Dr. Spock."  Rejecting the stern, disciplinarian approach favored by coaches like Bobby Knight and John Wooden, Bird has elected a gentler path, more in keeping with the teachings of 50's permissive, Dr. Spock.  The team's lack of success in recent seasons, with constant disruptions from players like Ron Artest, Jamal Tinsley, Shawne Williams and David Harrison speaks volumes about Bird's approach.  As a motivator and coach, Bird looked pretty slick.  As a personnel director and policy enforcer, he truly looks like a hick from French Lick.

The unspoken tragedy surrounding the Marion Jones performance-enhancing drug/perjury scandal is the fact that she didn't have to use them!  Jones would likely have been OIympic champion without using any enhancers. Truly gifted with speed and beauty and grace and strength, she still elected to cheat.  This would be like Tiger Woods executing a foot-mashie to kick his ball out of a bad lie, or Bill Belichick video-taping the sideline signals of his opponents.  Why cheat when you can win fair and square? 

Just because New England is  successful with Randy Moss in the line-up doesn't mean that he is no longer a cancer.  The Patriots are simply in remisssion.

As bizarre as the year 2007 played out, what with stratospheric salaries, an omni-present media, and every Tom, Harry and Craphonso looking for his 15 minutes of fame,  2008 can only get weirder:

  Gi-normous flameout, Jamarcus Russell, doing his best Ryan Leaf imitation, will abandon the Oakland Raiders and challenge Kobiyashi of Competitive Eating fame to a cheeseburger-eating contest.  Russell is already in training with his new fitness coach, William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

  Patriot's head coach, Bill Belichick, basking in the glow of an almost perfect, 17-1 season, opts to try his hand at acting.  In a made-for-TV special, Belichick will play the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski.  Director Martin Scorcese hand-picked Belichick for the role because he dresses like the Unabomber, has similar hygiene, and it isn't a stretch for the audience to see Coach Belichick as a deranged hermit.

  Reeling from the double-whammy of the Cowboy's loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLII and subsequently being dumped by Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo goes to court and has his name legally changed to "Tony Romeo."   Romeo continues to slide down the C and D list of celebrity starlets and is caught by Paparazzi,  head freshly shaven and  snuggling with Brittany Spears

  Arthur Blank, still smarting from the firestorm of negative energy surrounding the Atlanta Falcons in 2007, signs Marcus Vick  as his new quarterback.  Blank pointed out that the Vick family has been an important part of the Atlanta community and that the younger Vick should be a model citizen under new head coach, Gary Moeller.  The former head coach at the University of Michigan has sworn to stay with the team throughout his 5 year contract and was quoted: "Who else is going to hire me anyway?"

  Roger Clemens, in a determined effort to restore his tarnished reputation, turns over a new leaf for 2008.  Reporting to the Yankees spring-training camp at a svelte 195, Clemens attributes his leaner physique to a new-found diet and exercise program.  Claiming to be tired of being a fireballer, Clemens has developed a knuckle ball and will work on his off-speed pitches.  Questioned about this alleged use of steroids and human-growth hormone, Roger fired back:  "  Would I look this thin if I were still taking, er.....I mean taking HGH?"

  An additional note from the Clemens camp reports that his attorney, Rusty Hardin, is conducting his own investigation into the possible use of performance-enhancing drugs by Clemens and others.  Not a moment too soon!  Hardin also reports that he is assisting O.J. Simpson in his Las Vegas assault and kidnapping trial.  Since O.J. may be tied up for a while, Hardin adds that he will take over O.J.'s search for the real killer as well.

  The world of professional golf is rocked by scandal in 2008, as representatives for Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and 17 other top tour pros allege that Tiger Woods, in a complicated scheme involving clothing manufacturers, has been colluding with those companies.  It seems that all of the top tour pros have been receiving golf shirts with necks several sizes too small, causing the players to chafe and choke in Tiger's presence.  John Daly, in the boldest move on this front, has petitioned the TPA and the PGA to play shirtless this season.

  In a brilliant and deft move, controversial New York Knicks President, Isiah Thomas, while clinging to his dream of completely dismantling the Knicks, has taken a 2nd job as diplomat at the United Nations.   With his new position, Zeke  can park wherever he wants, call women "####es" in over 100 languages, and claim diplomatic immunity for any additional crimes or civil infractions he chooses to commit.

 And the Major League Baseball Players association has finally agreed to take a stand on testing for performance-enhancing drugs.  Starting in the 2008 season and continuing through the 2009 season, the MLBPA has agreed to begin random testing on all retired members of the union.  Once results are in, the union will look at possible further testing.