As the NFL gears up for the divisional championships, its time for a brief  and embellished look at the week in sports:

The New England Patriots, released their new team slogan, "Resident Evil" to the media today along with the announcement that they have acquired the rights to the Titan's Pacman Jones.  A spokesman for the Pats announced:  "We feel we are the 21st century version of the Oakland Raiders.  The acquisition of Randy Moss has been so successful that we are expanding our free agent search.  Send us your cast-offs, troublemakers and miscreants. " Informed sources reveal that Bill Belichick has representatives negotiating with the parole board at Leavenworth in order to secure an early release for Michael Vick.  Rumor has it Belichick has lawyers working with agents for Rae Carruth as well.

Looks like those Dallas Cowboys fans, fearing that celebrity airhead Jessica Simpson would bring bad luck to the Cowboys games, were right on the money.  America's Team supporters now refer to Ms. Simpson as Yoko Romo.

T.O.'s blubbering performance post-game in Dallas continues to demonstrate the wacky wide receiver's emotional stablity.  Who does he think he is, Hillary Clinton?

 The San Francisco 49er's, in a desperate move to acquire the 1st draft pick in the 2009 NFL draft,  hired Mike Martz as offensive co-ordinator.   Despite the fact that Martz's work for the Detroit Lions as co-ordinator left them trailing the almost perfectly inept Miami Dolphins for the 2008 premier selection, the 49er's braintrust felt they didn't need to drop much further to secure the rights to Tim Tebow. 

Roger Clemens continues his relentless pursuit of the title Most Hated Man in Sports.   The sputtering Rocket's inarticulate bullying and preposterous legal maneuvering continue to reveal the fact that no one in America ever really liked him much anyway.

Volunteer media punching bag, Isiah Thomas remains on Clemens' heals, with a surgically precise evisceration of the once proud New York Knicks basketball franchise.  As of today, the Knicks have a .265 winning percentage.  The Knicks are horrible on the court, pounded in the press and they are handing out lawsuit money like Mike Tyson at a car dealership.  Are there any adults left in charge in the Knicks' front office? 

In a surprise announcement, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy will be retiring and will join Dancing with the Stars.  The 2008 fall lineup includes a number of figures from professional sports including Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets, Butterbean of professional boxing fame and tennis star Martina Navratilova.  Producers aren't quite sure who they will partner up with Navratilova, but are working on the details.

The spector of drug use now haunts the world of golf, as the ReMax World's Long Driving Championship came to a close on Christmas day.  It seems Mike Dobbyn's 385 yard poke was bested by Seniors divsion winner, Frank Miller.  Miller's drive was measured at 394 yards.  When tour officials were asked if it was believed steriods were being used, they replied: "No, we think it was Viagra."

Congratulations are in order for the recently engaged Greg "Shark" Norman and tennis champion, Chris Evert.   Chris was seen sporting a 5 carat engagement ring.  As expected, publicity hungry athletes have forged a number of copy-cat engagements in order to get their names back in the news.  Word has it John Daly and Tonya Harding are hooking up. They sealed their engagement with a beer can pull-tab serving as the ring. 

More smooth moves from "Miguel" Simpson, better known as O.J. to most of us, as the Juice put the squeeze on one of his co-defendants in a prohibited phone call.  Clearly in violation of his probationary requirement to not make contact with his co-defendants, O.J. was brought in by agents from You Ring We Spring Bail Bonds of North Las Vegas.  News reports did not include the full alias used by Simpson, but "Miguel Mexico" has a nice ring to it.   The Juice must love that jailhouse cookin'! 

Indiana Pacers President of Basketball Operations, Larry Bird, today announced a series of lectures based on his forthcoming book, "Discipline Your Team like Dr. Spock."  Rejecting the stern, disciplinarian approach favored by coaches like Bobby Knight and John Wooden, Bird has elected a gentler path, more in keeping with the teachings of 50's permissive, Dr. Spock.  The team's lack of success in recent seasons, with constant disruptions from players like Ron Artest, Jamal Tinsley, Shawne Williams and David Harrison speaks volumes about Bird's approach.  As a motivator and coach, Bird looked pretty slick.  As a personnel director and policy enforcer, he truly looks like a hick from French Lick.

The unspoken tragedy surrounding the Marion Jones performance-enhancing drug/perjury scandal is the fact that she didn't have to use them!  Jones would likely have been OIympic champion without using any enhancers. Truly gifted with speed and beauty and grace and strength, she still elected to cheat.  This would be like Tiger Woods executing a foot-mashie to kick his ball out of a bad lie, or Bill Belichick video-taping the sideline signals of his opponents.  Why cheat when you can win fair and square? 

Just because New England is  successful with Randy Moss in the line-up doesn't mean that he is no longer a cancer.  The Patriots are simply in remisssion.