Reports are starting to circulate regarding a new NBA Special Advisory Committee which David Stern is expected to announce before tonight’s NBA draft.

The new Board for Advising Deals Three-Ways, or B.A.D. 3way, is being established to protect teams from entering into bad, or poorly thought out, three way trades with other teams.

"Three ways should benefit all parties involved," Stern said in a recent interview, "but too often we find that inexperienced, or desperate G.M.s are taken advantage of. Made to feel special for only a moment, and then simply discarded."

To head the B.A.D. 3way Stern has chosen three individuals who each bring unique skills and experience to the board. Jerry West former Laker player, coach and G.M., as well as being named one of the ‘50 Greatest Players in History’ in 1996, will head the board. His knowledge of the NBA along with his eye for a ‘fair trade’ makes him an obvious choice. Former ABA and NBA player Rick Barry will join his ‘Great 50' brother. Barry is known to be a no nonsense guy, who has no love for greedy team owners. There is some speculation that he may have a hard time working with West.

Jerry 'the icon' West and Rick Barry will bring a lot of NBA experience to the commitee.

Working closely with West and Barry and rounding out the #### will be former adult entertainer and ex-California governor candidate Mary Carey. While Carey has no professional basketball experience she is used to handling three way transactions.

Carey pictured above brings an intimate knowledge of three way transactions to the committee.

According to Carey "A three way can be great for everyone, as long as there is a certain level of respect for everyone involved. But most of the time two parties are just looking for a ‘quick fix.’ They just want to butter you up so they can stick it to you, and when everything is said and done someone is left all sweaty and noone will even get them a #### towel."

European football (aka soccer)  teams have a logo on their jersey for a company which sponsors their team.  If the NBA followed suit what product or company should sponsor each team?

THE BOSTON CELTICS:

  General Mills Lucky Charms, the whole Irish thing works and he looks a lot like Danny Ainge.

THE DETROIT PISTONS:

   Toyota would do this just to stick it to GM and Ford, who don't have the cash to sponsor the team.

THE ATLANTA HAWKS:

   Chicken . . .Hawk, yeah I know it's lame, but the hawks have to take what they can get.

THE LOS ANGELOS CLIPPERS:

The Plastic surgeons of LA.  Nothing says LA like plastic surgery.

THE MIAMI HEAT:

  The colors work the 'M' can easily be worked into the original jersey design.  Plus I have heard Shaq is a big fan.

THE ORLANDO MAGIC:

  It was only a matter of time, the Disney mafia controls everything else in Orlando.

Maybe you didn't know, but in European football (aka soccer) all the professional teams have a logo on their jersey for a company which sponsers their team.  They have reduced the club logo to a small badge which usually appears over the heart.

Above Barcelona FC sponsered by UNICEF and Chelsea FC sponsered by Samsung, you get the idea.

So the NBA season is over and all these trade rumors and I was thinking, "If the NBA had sponsors on their jerseys' who would sponser what team?"  So I will start off with a couple of teams, and if their is some kind of response I will do some more.  Of course this blog would be awesome if I possessed some photo-shop skills, but I don't.   Maybe I'll ask my nephew to help me out with that for the next post.

The NEW YORK KNICKS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

THE NEW YORK SANITATION DEPT.

THE SEATTLE SUPERSONICS SPONSERED BY:   

The reason should be obvious, and the orange really goes with the yellow green of the uniform.

THE LOS ANGELOS LAKERS SPONSERED BY: 

With all the #### slinging that has been going on between Kobe and the Lakers front office this seems like a perfect fit.  Also for all those Laker fans, who finally know how the rest of the NBA fans feel, it makes a great facial tissue.

THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS SPONSORED BY:

Because the Spurs do it by the book, and some people find the Spurs just as exciting.

THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:  

Face it, no one else is going to put there logo on a Bucks jersey.

 THE INDIANA PACERS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

Along with the sponsorship deal all Pacers players get free a free lap dance, if they manage to win a game.

Of course there is always some little known foreign company trying to get some publicity by sponsoring a professional team.  So may I present . . .

THE NEW JERSEY NETS BROUGHT TO YOU BY: 

This little known Korean beer is actually not bad, and is sure to comfort any Nets fan.

And of course the whole 'WITNESS'  thing got a little out of hand and someone gesides Nike is bound to cash in so,

THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

Jehovah's Witnesses

If you read this and found it mildly amusing post a comment and I'll do more. 

Who am I kidding I'll probably do it anyway.

As a Beatles fan, I truly believe there is a Beatles song for every situation.  I also believe there is a Beatles song for every NBA personality and team.

Here are a few I've come up with off the top of my head.  I am also interested to hear your dedications.

Lebron James-“I should have known better,”

Kobe Bryant - “Let it be,” or “We can work it out,” ian2813 thinks "I, Me, Mine"

Robert Horry- "When I'm 64."

Kevin Garnett- “Nowhere man,”  or  “Help”

Chauncy Billups- ‘Money’

Gilbert Arenas “Please, please me” 

LA Clippers- “Hello, Goodbye”

Isiah Thomas, Danny Ainge, Kevin McHale- “Help”

NY Knicks- “Helter Skelter”   

It has been a roller coaster 12 months for pretty-boy David Beckham. After being cut from the English National squad last August he was also benched by his Spanish club Madrid, who had discovered that he was much easier to film for the jumbo-tron when seated. “It was a real low point for me,” Beckham remembers, “I had completely disappeared from the gossip mags, I had to pay the paparazzi to take pictures of me. Honestly, I was on the verge of posting a homemade porn on the internet.” But then, hours before filming could begin, Beckham got a call from a very unlikely place, America. It was his agent with an offer from MLS’s LA Galaxy. “I didn’t even know that they played football in America, well my kind of football I mean. And then when I found out how much money they wanted to offer me, ####.” The LA Galaxy have agreed to pay Beckham a minimum of 10 million US dollars a season for the next five years along with a share in the profits, which could put his total yearly take home in the ballpark of 50 million dollars. “Honestly when I heard the number I almost soiled my knickers. That minimum is about double what I signed for last time, and last time I was in my prime.” Beckham admits. “I asked my agent if the knew that I was thirty-two, couldn’t kick with my left foot, and that my career was practically finished. And he said, ‘What the hell do they know about football? They’re Americans.’”

Europe's prettiest footballer David Beckham has signed a deal with the LA Galaxy which make make him richer than Britain's other Queen

Beckham hopes that his commitment to the LA Galaxy won’t get in the way of the other things he wants to accomplish in America. “I would really love to do some film. I can’t act, but neither can Shaq, that bloke made at least three movies and doesn’t look like this. I’m also considering getting into music, I have no talent for that either, but it seems like a good way to turn a quick buck. It probably won’t be any good, but people are going to buy it anyway, right?”

One thing Beckham won’t be doing is hanging out with Tom Cruise. “I am really a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I don’t follow US news. I was under the impression that Tom Cruise was a big star in the US, and didn’t realize that he’d become a joke. Anyway, brand Beckham has no room for dead weight, so Tom is going to have to go.”

There is one person who become would really like to meet when he arrives in the US. “Tony Parker. Honestly, we have so much in common. We are both from Europe, we both married women who are almost as pretty as us, and we enjoy lots of the same things, like shopping, musicals, fashion, and poetry.”

Tony Parker and David Beckham reportedly have "a lot in common."

 Since signing on with Galaxy Beckham has returned to the field for both England and Real Madrid.  As for the recent rumor that Beckham might opt out of his Galaxy contract and remain with Real Madrid, it is just that a rumor. “In a way it would be nice to remain in Europe and show that I can compete with football's elite, but really why would I do that when I can make so much more money in the US and put out a fraction of the effort?”

Yi Jianlian is set to enter this years NBA draft, and is expected to go somewhere in the top ten.  He will be sorely missed by all of China’s 1,321,851,888 people, but no where more than the research lab where he was born. 

Yi as a young boy (left).              A PRFFDW scientist at work (right). 

 Yi Jianlian is only the second Chinese NBA quality player born it captivity, to be released into the wild.  Scientists around the Peoples’ Research Facility For Dominating Western Sports (PRFFDW), expressed both sorry and worry.  “It makes me really sad to think that he will be all alone outside of the Lab and our glorious country,” said one scientist.  “Who will make his rice porridge every morning?”

Above: Yi's agents the Peoples’ Agents Representing the Peoples’ Athletes

Still, Yi’s agents, the Peoples’ Agents Representing the Peoples’ Athletes, have promised that Yi will be sent to a suitable US city.  “We will guarantee that comrade Yi is sent to a US city that has many Chinese restaurants, MSG in every grocery store, and whose team wears a red uniform.”

Pictured above is the future Chinese all star team inside their flesh incubators.

  Although all the scientists at the PRFFDW are sad to see Yi go, they agree that their work must go on.  “Once we were a country which only managed to dominate Ping Pong on the world stage, now we have two players in the NBA.  We have come a long way, but there is still farther to go.”

As always this blog is brought to you by PUMA because I'm hoping to score some free stuff.

Many Lakers’ fans have mixed emotions about the potential trade of Kobe Bryant, but one Laker fan is exstatic about the prospect of Kobe being traded, ‘Screech’ (aka Dustin Diamond).

'Screech' aka Dustin Diamond at the peak of his fame and today.

 Given the team's proximity to Hollywood, the Lakers fan base includes many famous actors and musicians who are regularly seen at home games, generally in the court side seats.  

Jack Nicholson, Sean Penn, Peter Parker and Snoop Dogg are amoung the Lakers' A-list celebrity supporters.

Jack Nicholson is the most prominent member of this group, having held season tickets since 1967. Other celebrities known as long-standing ticket-holders include Denzel Washington, Dustin Hoffman, Andy Garcia, Penny Marshall, Ice Cube, Sylvester Stallone,  Brad Pitt, Tobey Maguire, and Snoop Dogg. Meanwhile far from the limelight ‘Screech’ has been watching from the nose bleeds.  Despite his status as a ‘C’ rate TV  and an ametuer porn star, ‘Screech’ has been on the waiting list for court side seats for nearly ten years.  “When Magic retired I really thought it was going to happen for me, but then along came Shaq,” Screech whined in his trade marked high voice.  “And two years ago when the Clippers got hot, I got my hopes up again.”

 Screech did briefly visit the court side “celebrity row,” during the 91-92 playoffs, a game in which the Lakers were defeated at home by the Trailblazers.  Screech still gets tears in his eyes when he remembers that day.  “It’s not very publisized, but the Lakers like to have Hollywood types courtside at all times.  So I was hanging out up in the nose bleeds with Cory Feldman and that Chinese kid from ‘Goonies’ when one of the ushers said, ‘Hey, Screech Jacks gotta take a leak.’  So I went down and kept Jack’s seat warm for about ten minutes.  That was probably the greatest ten minutes of my life.”

Nicholson remembers it differently, “I came back from taking a ####, and this kid Scratch is sitting in my seat.  I still think he jinxed us that year.” Screech admits that he is obsessed with the Lakers and that sometimes his obsession has caused him to make bad decisions.  “’Saved by the Bell: the New Class,’ ‘Saved by the Bell: the College Years,’ my porn movie they were all bad career moves that I made out of desperation.  Because I’ve been trying to get some exposure and get those court side seats.”

 Still, ‘Screech’ remains hopeful that the Lakers loss may be his gain.  “If the Lakers unload Kobe and go through a rebuilding period, there are going to be a lot of empty court side seats.  And it may finally happen for me.”

 Projected crowd for post-Kobe Laker game.

The first trade offer for Kobe Bryant is officially on the table, and it has come from an unexpected bidder, Michael Jackson.  ‘The King of Pop’ has reportedly offered up in trade part of his catalogue of ‘Beatles’ songs, the ‘Elephant Man’s’ bones, his vintage ‘80s read leather jacket, and a collection of young women’s undergarmets that he received in fan letters during the height of his popularity.

Michael Jackson (left) has made an offer for Kobe Bryant which includes, amoung other things, the 'Elephant Man's' bones (right).

Lakers’ owner Jerry Buss, a long time fan of the ‘Beatles’ and young womens’ undergarments, admitted that the offer was unorthodox but intriguing.  He said that there were several details that needed to be cleared up before he could make a decision.

Laker's owner Jerry Buss (shown above) is a known fan of the 'Beatles'.

 “I would of course need to know what ‘Beatles’ songs we are talking about, and both the quantity and quality of the undergarments in question.”

 Originally, former child star Maucally Culkin was also part of the offer, until one of Jackson’s assistants pointed out that he no longer owned Culkin.

 It is unclear what Jackson would to with Kobe, but a source close to Jackson hinted that Kobe might be traded to an Elementary school basketball team for ‘younger talent.’

 American scientist Dr. Emmit Brown appeared in court today to file harrasment charges against two NBA owners,  and others including at least one NBA all-star.  Among those mentioned in the charges are Blazers owner Paul Allen, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, and Laker all-star Kobe Bryant.  The charges state that these individuals along with others, have ignored all Brown’s request to ‘leave him alone’ and will not stop flooding his e-mail, voice mail, answering machine and mail box with requests for a ‘time machine.’ 

Left: Dr. Emmit Brown at work in his lab.  Right: A picture of time machine prototype.

 Brown admits that he had at one time had an idea for a time machine, but there had been several incidents involving the prototype and he had decided that it was best to “let the past be the past.”

“While I must admit that the challenge of building a time machine interests me, I think that it’s better that I don’t.  An individual may think that changing one small thing in the past might be harmless, it can prove to be disasterous to the future, or present, as it were.”

When called for comment Portland Trailblazer’s owner spoke highly of Brown and his work, and expressed regret over Brown’s decision to file charges against him.  “I have a lot of respect for Dr. Brown, but the charges against me are completely unfounded.   I never asked him to build a time machine for me.  I actually wanted to hire Dr. Brown as an assistant GM for our organization.  Then I wanted him to go back in time to represent us at the 1984 draft, and to choose Michael Jordan, instead of Sam Bowie.”  

In the 1984 draft the Portland  drafted Sam "Who" Bowie (left) instead of Micheal "double threepeat" Jordan (right).

 Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was unavailible for comment, but there is some speculation that he might use a time machine to travel back to 2004 and resign Steve Nash.  Other notable mistakes Cuban might want to correct are his team’s chokes in both the 2005-2006 and 2006-2007 playoffs and of course his reality tv show ‘The Benefactor.’ 

Did Mark Cuban bet on the wrong white guy?  Could Kobe have saved himself some drama by just killing this woman?

  Kobe Bryant was likewise unavailable for comment.  A source close to Bryant notes several passing comments he's made in the past that may shed some light on his motives.   “He’s always saying stuff like; ‘I knew I should have killed that ####,’ ‘How bad could the Hornets really have been?’ and ‘Clippers, Clippers, Clippers, damn!’”

  Other notable people mentioned in Brown’s filing are Nick Nolte,  Tom Selleck, Meg Ryan, and Cyndi Lauper.

In an unprecedented move, Lakers owner Jerry Buss made the trades this week to secure the Indiana Pacers former ‘one-two punch’: Ron Artest, and Jermaine O’Neal. 

The Lakers are also currently in talks with semi-retired guard Latrell Sprewell, formerly of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Sprewell is best remembered for choking former coach P.J. Carlesimo and later being accused of choking a woman on his boat. When called for comment on the possibility of joining the Lakers Sprewell replied, “It would be great to finally play with some guys who have the same type of character as me.”

Analysts agree that the teaming of Byrant, Artest, O’Neil and Sprewell would be a scary thing to see.  TNT commentator and former NBA player Charles Barkley summed it up best, "Those guys, together?  Who is going to play center?  OJ?"

In another shocking development, Laker Coach Phil Jackson was released from his contract and is reportedly going to be replaced by Robert Blake. Buss reportedly said that he wants to take the Lakers in a new direction. “Coach Jackson has been a fine upstanding member of our organization, but we have decided to take the team in a new direction. In this new direction there is no room for a Zen master, we need Berretta."

The Lakers are also considering changing their team colors from the traditional yellow and purple to horizontal black and white stripes. “For the home jerseys only,” Buss said, “For away I was thinking about orange jumpsuits.”

In related news Lakers forward Luke Walton has been told that if he doesn’t want to ride the bench he needs to toughen up his image. “I'll probably start with a tattoo and maybe an eye-patch,” Walton told reporters. “If all else fails I can always go out and beat up a hooker.”

Going in to this season no one gave the Celtics much of a chance of doing anything.  In GM Danny Ainge's own words, "It's difficult to dissapoint people when they aren't expecting you to accomplish anything."  Still, by gambling the second half of the season on nailinng down the first or second pick in this years NBA lottery and failing to do so, Ainge and the Celtics have taken home the 'Blockbuster Papa John's Most Disappointing Season' Award (BPJMDS Award).

Runner up Kevin Mchale (GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves) expressed his congratulations to his former team mate and former team, but still couldn’t contain his own regret. “What I have been doing hasn’t been working and that’s no secret, but I have a legit superstar and have been reworking his teammates. I hoped that I could create a little buzz and get people’s hopes up. Obviously it hasn’t worked, and my team hasn’t been a big enough disappointment.” McHale added that it the off season he may try to move star Kevin Garnett for one or two talented younger players in order to create a false sense of progress in the hearts of Timberwolves fans.

Fellow runner up Isiah Thomas didn’t take the news as gratiously. “This is complete ####!” Thomas was quoted as saying. “We have one of the highest pay-roles in the league. My team is a virtual hive of disappointment. Name one team in the NBA that has shown as little result with this level of talent. I don’t think you can.” Thomas expressed hope for next year’s Knicks. “If I can get my hands on Kobe and blow it next year, I’ll win this prize hands down.”

The BPJMDSA winning team receives gift certificates for Papa John’s and Blockbuster, which are traditional distributed to team members for use during the off season. Celtic player Paul Pierce was disappointed to learn that the Blockbuster gift certificates could not be used to pay previous late charges. “I swear you forget to return one DVD and those ####s start talking about taking you to court.”

-Special thanks to Blockbuster, who finally let me off the hook for those late charges, and Papa John's damn that's good pizza!

 Some one posted a blog under this headline the other day, and while it was funny it was not quite what I had expected.  So without further ado, here is what I think the 'NBA all alien team' would look like.

At point guard: Yoda.  Size matters not.  Not only can this guy drop an X-wing on a dime he can hit a jumper from the locker room, and his vertical leap . . . forget about it.   Passes as if he can sense the other players on the court.

At shooting guard: Teen Wolf.  In two words "Wolfamania lives."

At power forward: Chewbacca.  Slogan for shoe contract, "Wookies are known to do that."

Small forward: Worf.  Of course to please the Trekkies David Stern has to have at least one "Star Trek" alien on the team each year.

At center: Venom.  Much like Ron Artest, he has a tendancy to be testie, but overall a monster on the boards.

Sorry JQ, but I figured out how to post pictures.