College football has begun – well, for most teams. There are those that didn’t show up over the weekend. Don’t worry though, they get awards too – specifically… the All-Chump Team for Week 1. Here they are… read ‘em and weep!
College Football: The Week 1 All-Chump Team
QUARTERBACK Starter: Tommy Beecher – South Carolina 12 for 22, 106 yards, 4 INT
While Beecher stunk up the joint, Smelley was a breath of fresh air.
Backup: Sean Glennon – Virginia Tech 14 for 23, 139 yards, 2 INT It’s time for the Hokies to remove Tyrod Taylor’s red shirt and replace it with… well… a red shirt – maroon red, that is.
RUNNING BACK
Starters: James Davis and CJ Spiller – Clemson Tigers Combined for 8 carries and 20 yards rushing against Alabama
Clemson’s dynamic duo only running for the big two-oh? That simply won’t get it done.
Backup: LeSean McCoy – Pittsburgh 23 carries for 71 yards
One would expect more production from a Heisman dark horse against a Bowling Green team that allowed 208 rushing yards per game in 2007. Correction… former Heisman dark horse.
WIDE RECEIVER
Starter: Brian Robiskie – Ohio State 3 catches for 41 yards versus a lackluster Youngstown State team
Sure, the Buckeyes blanked the Penguins in Week 1, but going forward, Ohio State is going to need more from Robiskie and the offense if they want to win the Big Ten. Backup: Demetrius Byrd – LSU 3 catches for 34 yards against Appalachian State He didn’t really need a big game in this one, but as one of the better receivers in the country, you would expect flashier numbers from Byrd, who needs to step up with guys like Early Doucet gone to the NFL.
TRENCHES: O-LINE & D-LINE
Starter: North Carolina D-Line No sacks vs. McNeese State
Someone in powder blue has to be picked on – especially after the apparently much improved Heels struggled to defeat McNeese State
Backup: South Carolina O-Line Allowed five sacks to North Carolina State during their 34-0 victory.
Even shutouts can be deceiving. The Wolfpack may have been blanked on the board, but they exposed holes with the Gamecocks by getting five sacks, along with four picks of Beecher.
RUSH DEFENSE
Starter: Towson Allowed 558 yards rushing to Navy, including a Midshipmen school record 348 yards by Shun White on 19 carries.
OK, so the Tigers are a 1-AA team, but nearly 600 yards on the ground? Some teams don’t give up that total over half a season.
Backup: Clemson Gave up 239 total yards on the ground to Alabama in a 34-10 loss
‘Bama had two backs with 90+ yards on the ground, one of which was Glen Coffee. I guess it’s true, caffeine will kill ya.
PASS DEFENSE
Starter: Missouri Allowed 451 yards and 5 TD’s to Juice Williams (Illinois)
Thank goodness for Chase Daniel and that potent offense – because the Missouri secondary couldn’t cover Bea Arthur in the open field.
Backup: Stanford Allowed 404 yards passing and two 150-yard receivers in their win against Oregon State Both Stroughter and Morales each had at least a 12-pack of catches (one had 13). The last time I saw two 12-packs come and go that fast, I was at John Daly’s house.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Starter: Virginia Tech Punt blocked for TD with under two minutes to go
The Hokies special teams group was decent throughout, but when it was crunch time, they gave up the play that ultimately lost them the game.
Backup: Scott Blair – Georgia Tech 0 for 2 FG’s and 5 for 6 on extra points versus Jacksonville State
OK, so the Yellow Jackets didn’t need the points this week, but with Boston College as Tech’s next opponent, Blair is going to have to stop kicking like Ray Finkle.
First-team All-Americans, Heisman award watch
candidates… all rubbish.
Borrrrring. Let’s instead focus
on the elite college football players that are doing their best to flush their
futures right down the toilet. That’s
right football fans, more and more, we keep seeing talented players getting
into the news for all the wrong reasons… so much in fact that one could easily
form up a starting roster that could compete with the team that played on “The
Longest Yard”. Honestly, it’s sad how
often this is happening in college sports today. It really is.
Recently, reports of misconduct in college
football keep pouring in, practically on a daily basis. Heck, the SEC alone can give us a starting
lineup chock-full of college football delinquents.
With that being said, I give you the “SEC
All-Penal Team”…
2008 SEC All-Penal Team
Quarterback
Starter: Ryan Perrilloux – LSU
Offense: Used brother’s ID to get into casino,
plus a federal investigation in which he’s a person of interest in a
counterfeit ring, nevermind his latest undisclosed transgression.
Backup: Stephen Garcia – South Carolina
Offense: Keying a professor’s car, as well as
failing to obey orders of an officer of the law.
3rd Stringer: Jared Foster – Ole Miss
Offense: Transfer quarterback whose previous rap
sheet include alcohol possession by a minor, and contributing to the
delinquency of a minor, while in high school.
Those charges were dropped if he agreed to assist with a steroid
investigation, as well as stay clean.
He was later charged with selling steroids, and has since been kicked
off the team.
Did Roger Clemens deny knowing him too?
Running Back
Starter: Brandon James – Florida
Offense: Possession of a controlled substance
(less than 20 grams of cannibis)
Backup: Arian Foster – Tennessee
Offense: Disorderly conduct and underage alcohol
consumption
Fullback
Starter: Fred Munzenmaier – Georgia
Offense: Underage possession of alcohol and
walking in a roadway
Backup: David Holbert – Tennessee
Offense: Underage consumption of alcohol and
disorderly conduct
Wide Receiver
Starter: Dion Lecorn – South Carolina
Offense: Marijuana possession
Starter: Ahmad Paige – Tennessee
Offense: Misdemeanor for marijuana possession (a
freshman offensive lineman – William Brimfield – and a high school student in
town for a recruiting trip, were both present in the car during the act)
I heard the recruit also gave his verbal to the officer
that night. Apparently, they also have to get their recruits stoned, in order to sign them?!
Backup: Gerald Jones – Tennessee
Offense: Misdemeanor for marijuana possession
Offensive Lineman
Starter: Ronnie Wilson – Florida
Offense: Firing a semi-automatic rifle in the air
during a dispute that began at a nightclub.
Eventually charged with aggravated assault, battery, and display of a
concealed weapon
Starter: Anthony Parker – Tennessee
Offense: The All-SEC first teamer was recently
arrested for disorderly conduct.
Starter: Zhamal Thomas – LSU
Offense: He was kicked off the team due to a
burglary charge.
Defensive Lineman
Starter: Marcus Harrison – Arkansas
Offense: Felony possession of ecstasy.
Starter: Jeremy Elder – Alabama
Offense: Arrested on two counts of first-degree
robbery.
I heard he was also a steal in the recruiting
process…
Defensive End
Starter: Jermaine Cunningham – Florida
Offense: Disorderly conduct, after a dispute over
a bag of potato chips at a restaurant at 2am.
You can never eat just one, can you?!
Starter: Brandon Deaderick – Alabama
Offense: Disorderly conduct, and an altercation outside of a
bar.
Linebacker
Starter: Brandon Fanney – Alabama
Offense: Arrested for disorderly conduct in front
of a bar.
I wonder if he was playing with his “fanney”…
Starter: Derrick Odom – LSU
Offense: Breaking and entering into a residence
Backup: Dustin Lindsey – South Carolina
Offense: DUI
Defensive Back
Starter: Donovan Baldwin – Georgia
Offense: DUI at 3:05am
Starter: Troy Giddens – LSU
Offense: Second-degree battery and one count of
battery (on his teammate, by the way), while his previous rap sheet also
includes identity theft and simple burglary.
Safety
Starter: Antonio Wardlow – Tennessee
Offense: Disorderly conduct, underage
consumption, and public intoxication
I think we should call Phillip Fulmer “The Warden”
from now on…
Backup: Jamarca Sanford – Ole Miss
Offense: Disorderly conduct at 1:40am
Kicker / Punter
Starter: Britton Colquitt – Tennessee
Offense: Numerous alcohol related arrests,
including the latest in which he drove into a parked car (while intoxicated).
I sense some irony here, considering all the alcohol
drunk by a “booter”… if you catch my drift.
Backup: Kyle Keown – Vanderbilt
Offense: Domestic violence and aggravated assault on his ex-girlfriend
There you have it, the 2008 SEC All-Penal team. Something tells me that high school-kid-turned-Tennessee-recruit may be headlining the 2009 squad. All in all, this list is quite alarming.
