Remember the days before cell phones?!  What about the internet, or the “information superhighway” as it is sometimes called?  How did we survive without them?! 

I was fortunate to have a relaxing vacation visiting family over the past week.  During my vacation, I ventured back in time to the land of “dialup internet”.  Remember dialup?  For the detailed sport websites of today, dialup just doesn’t cut it.  Today, they feature highlights, clips, images, java applets, and more.  The shear thought of it makes any modem cringe.     

<< Beep boop beep beep bop boop boop >>

<< Dee doo dee doo hissssssssssssssssss #### hisssssssssss>>

The modem is connected, and here we go. 

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This is certainly not “super”, and definitely not a “highway” either.  <YAWN> 

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Wow, this is like watching paint dry. 

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This is “slower then molasses in January”. 

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5 Options to Pass the Time When Your Website is Loading 

1. Conjure up a cheesy Blog idea (You’re reading it)
2. Play Solitaire or solve a “Sudoku” puzzle
3. Bake a Pineapple Upside Down Cake
4. Practice Boston accent: “Beckett will play wicked hahhd at Fenway Pahhk”
5. Attempt to bake a Pineapple Right-Side-Up Cake

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 Hmm, better make it ten options.

 5 MORE Options to Pass the Time When Your Website is Loading 

6. Learn Origami
7. Read “War and Peace”
8. List in detail every team Larry Brown has coached
9. Calculate how many Tic Tacs you can buy with the Yankees payroll
10. Read “War and Peace” a second time

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To further pass the time, I began to brainstorm of analogies between sports and the actual connection performance.  Here are some examples:

The “Dialup Teams”

(“Sit back and take your time, Content doing little or nothing, or Reluctant to Upgrade”)

            Baseball (MLB)

Baltimore Orioles – The Orioles have at least checked the sale prices on cable modems (aka Free Agents) in the stores (aka the Free Agent Market).  Unfortunately, what Baltimore does not realize is that there are not any sales this year, as the market is tight.   While the signing of Ramon Hernandez and pending acquisitions of Jeff Conine and Jeromy Burnitz will help, the Orioles still are in desperate need of a frontline starter to lead a young rotation.  If the Orioles do not acquire a legitimate starter, there could be more unrest in the Baltimore clubhouse. 

Tampa Bay Devil Rays – From the eyes of their fan base, the Rays are a team that must appear reluctant to upgrade.  Tampa does have a great deal of young talent, and they certainly performed well in the second half of the 2005 season.  For those reasons, there may be a slight “ray of hope” in Tampa Bay (no pun intended).  However, in recent years, you never see the Devil Rays strike a deal for a free agent.  In addition, Tampa is always asking too much for players such as Danys Baez and Aubrey Huff.  One of the few bright spots was the deal struck to obtain young power pitcher Scott Kazmir.  This year, the Rays will not have manager Lou Piniella to guide them.  The real question is how will newcomer Joe Maddon fare?           

            Football (NFL)

Buffalo Bills (5-10) – I hate to pick on the Bills, and I easily could have put other teams such as the Detroit Lions onto this list.  However, where has Buffalo gone?  One day, Bills fans are almost there, and their team has made it to the Super Bowl in four straight years.  Next, Buffalo is nowhere to be found.  Every year it appears that the Bills pick up some legitimate free agent talent (e.g. Takeo Spikes).  Every year it seems that Buffalo has made some intriguing and potentially rewarding draft picks (e.g. J.P. Losman and Willis McGahee).  Yet, every season Buffalo is nowhere to be found in the playoffs.  Sorry Bills fans, you are going to have to wait another year (or maybe more).

Houston Texans (2-13) – Who could not mention the Texans in this list, as they are the current frontrunner in the “Reggie Bush Sweepstakes”?  Sure, Houston has only been around for a few years in this league, but take in to consideration the previous expansion teams of Carolina and Jacksonville.  Both the Panthers and Jaguars were in the playoffs a few years after existence.  Sorry Houston fans, but you have a long way to go.  Furthermore, I apologize for including Houston in the same list with the Buffalo Bills.  I hope I did not bring back any vivid memories of Frank Reich and the infamous 32-point comeback on January 3. 1993.  If I didn’t, then I just did now.    

            Basketball (NBA)

Atlanta Hawks (7-20) – Does anyone remember the last time the Hawks made the playoffs?  For that matter, does anyone remember the last time the Hawks were halfway decent?  I am choosing to not look up this stat as I do not want to upset Atlanta fans like the way I just frustrated Houston football fans.  Any way you look at it, the Atlanta Hawks appear to be going nowhere fast.  It is unclear if their young talent will evolve, and last year they challenged the expansion Bobcats for the worst record all year.  In fact, the Hawks won that challenge by finishing with an NBA worst record of 13-69, five games worse then the expansion Charlotte Bobcats and New Orleans Hornets.

New York Knicks (7-20) – There were a number of teams that could have been included on this list.  However, the Knicks had to be added in my mind due to the former powerhouse that they were, and also how far they have fallen.  New York has a significant amount of talent, but the team can’t seem to get off the ground in recent years.  Perhaps New York will be a team that considers acquiring Ron Artest to attempt to give the team a boost?  Any way you look at it, the Knicks have fallen, and fallen far. 

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The “High-Speed Connection” Teams

(“Does not waste any time, Active and Efficient, Consistent Solid Performance”)

            Baseball (MLB)

Toronto Blue Jays – The Jays have by far had the boldest and strongest performance of the baseball offseason by acquiring three marquee players in B.J. Ryan, A.J. Burnett, and Troy Glaus.  All three of these players are still young, have tremendous upside, and are worth the risk.  Toronto resembles the best example of a “high-speed connection” team as they swiftly moved in, dropped millions of dollars, and got the deals done before other teams could act.  Whether the Jays needed to (or should have) spent as much cash as they did is an entirely different question and debate.

Boston Red Sox – The Sox have certainly been very active during the offseason, and deserve to be considered one of my “high-speed” connection teams.  Boston triggered the deal with Florida to bring in three talented players in Josh Beckett, Mike Lowell, and Guillermo Mota.  In addition, the Red Sox have been actively trying to shop Manny Ramirez (per his request to leave), acquire Miguel Tejada, and find a replacement for Johnny Damon.  Also, you can’t count out the deal in which Boston acquired Mark Loretta for Doug Mirabelli.  This deal leans heavily in Boston’s favor.  Furthermore, dealing away struggling SS Edgar Renteria was also something that had to be done. 

            Football (NFL)

New England Patriots (10-5) – The Patriots are a rarity of today’s salary cap league, a team that is a model of consistency and a powerhouse to boot.  The New England “dynasty” (as it is called by some) appeared to be in jeopardy earlier this season.  However, the Pats have righted the ship in recent weeks and once again should be a factor in the NFL postseason.

Indianapolis Colts (13-2) – While the Colts have had problems with their “connection” in recent weeks, they are still one of the best teams in the NFL (if not the best).  Like the Patriots, Indianapolis is a consistent performer in the NFL, and features a wide range of talent that includes players such as Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, Edgerrin James, Reggie Wayne, and Dwight Freeney.  The Colts should be a consistently solid team for years to come, and this year may be their best chance to bring home a title to the state of Indiana. 

            Basketball (NBA)

Detroit Pistons (23-3) – Even after losing legendary coach Larry Brown, the Pistons continue to cruise through the NBA.  Their 23-3 record is the best in the league, and Detroit is once again establishing itself as a consistent power in professional basketball.  If the NBA season were to end today, Detroit would cruise through the Eastern Conference and make it to the NBA Finals.    

San Antonio Spurs (22-7) – San Antonio has been a consistent power for years in the NBA.  The Spurs are very efficient in retaining old talent, and obtaining new talent (via the NBA draft) along the way.  For example, in recent years, San Antonio was able to keep former player David Robinson for years, and bring in Tim Duncan to replace him.  The Spurs have continued this strategy into this year, and have another legitimate shot at the NBA title once again this season.

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Finally!  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Your connection has dropped unexpectedly – would you like to reestablish the dialer connection?”

Silence… 

<Hiss -- Pop!>

No, that was not the sound of the modem dial tone.  That was me cracking open a beer.  Maybe there is a rerun of Seinfeld on. 

“Would you like to Shut Down your computer?”

YES.