If any of you remember me from as far back as February or so, you might be asking yourself, "Self, whatever happened to that guy that was so funny, intelligent, good-looking, and the owner of the biggest #### in America?" I'm not sure what any of that would have to do with me but I'm here. I really haven't had time in months to write anything of note so I figured why bother. I was deleting links from my favorites today and this one had been pushed so far down the list that I had almost forgotten it was there. Don't get me wrong, I had been tinkering with the idea of posting some of my favorite blogs from the past to ease myself back and I still might but not today.

   Last Saturday, I drove almost 3 hours to Berea, Ohio for a Browns Backer weekend with the hope that I might actually get to meet Braylon Edwards of the Cleveland Browns. Much to my dismay, the only current Brown to show up was Daven Holly, a corner that might not start in the Arena League. I think he was only there for a free meal. Anyway, Bob Golic was there. Most of you remember him from Saved by the Bell-the College Years.

 It turns out he was at one time a football player.  I knew that but I’m not sure you did. He still sports the beard and moustache as well as the curled mullet from his playing days. Nice enough guy, funny too but after meeting him it got me thinking about sports figures and where they are now and how their on field success translated into the real world. The following list applies only to sports figures from my day.

Ickey Woods

This one hit wonder had Bengals fans of all ages doing the Ickey Shuffle to the tune of 1066 yards and 15 touchdowns as a rookie while leading the Bengals to the Superbowl in ’89. Injuries derailed a once promising career and he was out of the NFL before his 26th Birthday. After finding out that he currently lives 2 hours south of me, I decided to take the trip down I-75 to meet him in person. Here is an excerpt from our 10 minute conversation.

ME: Ickey, nice to meet you. What’ve you been up to?

Ickey: (Sniff) You got any change? (Sniff)

ME: Umm, yeah, you uh…..

Ickey: (Sniff) I’ll give you my autograph (Sniff) for 20 dollars.

ME: I’m not really an autograph guy but….

Ickey: How ‘bout 10?

ME(backing slowly away): No thanks.

Ickey: I’ll do the Ickey shuffle for a quarter.

  As I turned to run, I could hear his voice fading in the distance, “I’ll suck your…..”

In all actuality, I guess he coaches womens football or something. Who cares.

The San Diego Chicken

(The president shown here thinks hard as he tries to put an end to the age old question about the chicken and the egg. President Bush would later reply, "Unity between the Nations is an everlasting fundamentaliscally fundamental opportuninty for young and old. Chickens come from eggs, therefore we will march into the war against the chicken and strike them where they lie.")

In the 70’s and 80’s the San Diego Chicken became a staple of America’s greatest pastime thrilling audiences young and old while singlehandedly reinventing slapstick comedy. While not as popular among pop culturists as say Charro’s boobs,

(You're welcome guys for the obligatory nipple shot. Ladies, sorry it's inherant in my DNA)

he has carved his own little niche in American history. Most of us that have attended any sporting event have seen him live and in person. He is also the only fan to ever be highlighted by a baseball card. His greatest achievement was starring in the cult classic, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. However, all of these great moments in his life were washed away recently as it was found out that he is really not a chicken at all. As it turns out he is a man by the name of Ted Giannoulas that wears a chicken suit. For years, we have all been lead to believe that this genius of a six foot chicken could have such innate comic timing that has never been seen nor heard of down on the farm. The wool had been pulled over our collective eyes. Mr. Giannoulas, if you are reading this I think I speak for all of us when I say, SHAME ON YOU.

Bo Jackson

(Bo Jackson was beside himself as he wrestled with the notion of becoming a two sport star)

The original two sports star, he was Deion before Deion was Deion. If you aren’t old enough to remember when Bo knew baseball, football and just about everything under the sun, then you don’t know diddley. His  NFL playing days were ruined in a 1991 playoff game against the Bengals.  I know, that sounds like fiction that the Bengals were in the playoffs but it’s true. However, it’s not shocking to believe that the Bengals ended his career because the Bengals organization ended lots of players’ careers just by drafting them.

Bo is currently an assistant to the assistant manager at a Waffle house in Chicago and he hopes to one day own his own car. No, not really. He’s a businessman somewhere in Chicago. Let’s just hope he knows business as well as he knows avascular necrosis.

Marge Schott

The onetime owner of the Reds has currently moved south. When reached for a comment, she replied, “I love it down here, it’s hot year round and the people are more to my liking you Jap ####.”

   Well, that’s it for now. I had intended to include such names as Ivan Drago (the great Russian Boxer of the late ‘80’s), Cole Trickle (Nascar), Eugene Chung (offensive lineman extraordinaire of the Patriots), and Brian Bosworth but I’m running out of steam here. That’s why it’s been so long since my last post. I’ll be back in a few months. So on the count of three, start holding your breath. One…… Two…… Three……

Useless Random Randy Fact #707

I am not in any way related to Kobayashi the hot dog eating champion but I do like eating wieners. Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I meant is………..