There used to be a time when I posted here frequently. I used to sit at the computer waiting for comments, hoping against hope that somebody, ANYBODY, would read my stuff and actually find it enjoyable, thought-provoking, and/or enlightening. That's not what this is about. This post is strictly for me. I have to get this out or I might scream. My wife and kids cannot be my outlet. Not today.
If anyone reads this, it should be Randy Lerner or Phil Savage. This is my letter to the top of the Cleveland Browns Organization. I think I represent the fanbase fairly as I've been a Browns fan as far back as I can remember. I remember Red Right 88. The MVP season of Sipe. The failed Paul McDonald experiment, Todd Philcox, the Drive, the Fumble, the Jaguars sweeping us as an Expansion team, OUR Move, Rahim Abdullah, McCutcheon's 3 pick Monday Night debut (preseason). If somebody crapped a 6 foot pile and slapped an orange helmet on it; I'd root for it. I am the pulse of this fanbase.
In September of 1996, when football season began minus OUR storied franchise, I moved to Florida. Imagine what it was like for me. I couldn't bear to watch the NFL. My high school football coach once told me, "football is the only sport; everything else is just a game." I agreed and still do. I mean, the Indians weren't exactly endearing us in Ohio throughout the '80's. The Cavs were fun but the NBA was about Jordan when I was a kid. What else did we have? We always had the Browns even if they were down once in awhile. The Browns became more than a team that we followed. In my house, it was common ground on Sundays. No matter what the week brought my parents, the curveballs that they had to deal with on a day-to-day basis, on Sundays for roughly three hours, we were a family. There was no arguing, no name calling, no fussing, and no fighting. Just closeness as we hoped together that Sunday would bring our Team a win. It is this closeness that I've tried to pass onto my own children. They are Browns fans at the ages of 3 and 4. It was their birthright. Hell, when my kids hear somebody say "Pittsburgh Steelers" they believe that it is cussing. Seriously.
With all of that being said, I'd like to tell the top of the organization what I think the problem is with OUR Team. I've followed the top fan sites and a lot of them think it's inferior players, inferior talent, inferior coaching, whatever. I don't believe that. I think we have the talent to win now. Sure we could use an upgrade along the offensive line or some pass rushers other than Wimbley. That would help. I truly believe that we have several of the pieces here and I'll pinpoint them later but right now I want to tell you the secret to continued on field success. This doesn't apply only to football but to life as well. What we need is for someone to come here and say, "We are GOING to win.” That's it, simple as that. We are going to win now, next week, the week after and keep repeating this to the players. I was a salesman for a couple years and in my time there, I learned a valuable lesson. Positive mental attitude yields a positive result. I saw it then as we turned around an almost dead region with an influx of positive people. If you have a bunch of guys that believe that they will succeed no matter what the situation is, they WILL succeed. You want proof? Then look no farther than our instate rivals, the Bengals. See what Marvin Lewis has done with a load of miscreants? He changed the mindset. He told them that they were going to be successful and they are. Sure the emergence of Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, TJ, and Rudy helped but if the losing mindset is there, it doesn't matter. You could have Peyton Manning passing to Jerry Rice and handing off to Walter Peyton but if the mindset leading up to the game is, "we hope we can win," then they will never win. That's what we have in Cleveland. We have a coach that talks about hoping to be better next week and players that have that same mentality. All week long and for the last two seasons, all we hear from their mouths is that they hope to come out o####ame with a win. Let's start talking like winners and we will become winners.
This little rant is not a fire Romeo Crennel rant, don't get me wrong. I believe in continuity. Give him another year to see if he can get this turned around but that's it. Romeo, if you are reading this and I doubt it will ever reach you but if somehow this crosses your desk, you must start making bold statements. You must tell this team that we are going to win. Stop hoping and do it. I like you and I root for you but this young team needs you to start telling them that they can win even if we called the same play 50 times in a game. It doesn't matter what plays are called. What matters is that the guys believe that they will line up across from somebody and know that they will beat him. If you tell them this, they will achieve it. You'll be surprised at how positive mental results mixed with a little arrogance can go a long way towards achieving your goals. I've seen it work.
Okay, I had to get that out. Here's something else. With this young team that's just hoping to be respected by our AFC North rivals, somebody should tell these players that they can respect a team or a specific player off the field but not on it. Joey Porter gets it and now I think Kellen Winslow gets it after the failed pregame handshake attempt. When we meet on the field, we are enemies. Get nicey nice in the off-season but during a game, every Steeler, Raven, and Bengal is wearing a bullseye. The reason we laid that egg against the Bengals a few weeks ago is Chad Johnson is inside your head. His being nice lead to a certain level of respect that you felt you had earned and that caused you to play softer than normal. You should feel disrespected by everyone in the NFL all season long. There's your motivation. You bought into the psychological game that Chad played with you and you lost. I hope you know it and you've learned from it.
Okay, I promised a calling out of sorts earlier. You don't have to be an NFL personnel guy to see that we have the talent to win now. Here's a list of current starters that are keepers:
QB- Charlie Frye - He grew up a Browns fan. He knows what it's like to bleed Orange and Brown. He wants to win and he can single-handedly win games for us. Sure he makes bad plays but only because he wants to hang onto the ball and find a play. What's wrong with that? With an upgrade at running back and two new guards, he will work out.
QB- Derek Anderson - Sure it's only been 6 quarters but individually, you've done nothing wrong. I'm still not convinced but that cannon arm sure looked accurate last night.
Between these two, we have a bona fide NFL starter. Let them battle it out in the preseason.
LT - Kevin Shaffer - you get a free pass, so to speak, due to this being your first year in this system. I don't think you've hurt yourself in any way on the field either. A couple weeks back, I saw you whiff on a block that led to a sack but upon further review, it was obvious that Jerome Harrison was supposed to provide backside help. If he would have chipped him, that's not a sack. They called him the "Ghost" in college because he was supposed to disappear and reappear down the field but he earned it in the NFL as the ghost that disappears when blocking.
WR - Joe Jurevicious - You're our best receiver. You want to win as bad as we, the fans, want to win. It's obvious that you should be the number one and Braylon should be number two at this point in his career. You catch the ball and that veteran savvy shows up on game days.
WR - Braylon Edwards - You're a keeper. I just think that Joe is a better option right now. You will develop into a reliable playmaker with your God given ability. I think you could sharpen your routes a bit but I also think a lot of that is the knee. Next year, I think you can be a top 5 receiver. All that stuff with calling out Russell and the sideline tirade, that tells me that you respect the game and you are a topnotch competitor. I see no fault in that. I like it. I think that's what this offense needs. Someone with fire and intensity but I do think that what I said before about respecting the other team and it's players off the field applies to you most of all. I think that your relationship with Chad should only be during the off-season. Be friends after the game but leading up to it and during it, you must hate him. Hate him because he knows that you are young enough to buy into the placation of your ego.
TE - Kellen Winslow - Kellen, you are the heart and soul of this offense. You are the team leader and as such, you must lift the games of others around you. Ray Lewis does it in Baltimore. Joey Porter does it in Pittsburgh. You have to do it here. If you have to be the guy that tells the team that we are going to win then so be it. Remember how Chad Johnson started guaranteeing wins a couple of years back? His Bengal teammates rallied around him and started winning.
Defensively, we have three linebackers. D'qwell Jackson, Andra Davis, and Kamerion Wimbley. Davis is just solid, not spectacular but he shows up to play on a weekly basis. D'qwell and Kamerion are rookies to build around. Both have gotten better with nearly a season under their belts. I think there are flaws though in both of your games. Kamerion, you must develop an inside move when rushing the quarterback. The 7 and a half sacks on the season are impressive but they have all come with that outside speed rush where you dip your hips and shoot around your man. Maybe with a little more strength you can develop your bull rushing moves or maybe work on an inside swim move. D'qwell, if there's a fault in your game, it'd be this: the scouting report on you coming out was that you were a fiery, vocal, and intense leader. I haven't seen that yet. That's not to say that you don't have it in you. I compare being a rookie in the NFL to being a private in the military. You go in and all the established leaders are there. You can't step on their toes so you keep your mouth shut and your head down while you do the best you can at the task at hand. Next season, you are a vet. It will be your job to get these guys to rally around you and your passion for this sport.
On the defensive line, I think we have something with Simon Fraser. I think he should start every week. I know it looked like Pittsburgh was running right at you last night but the weakness that they saw in going your way is that you can be baited out of the play. Let you penetrate a bit and run past you. I'd do it too if I was a coach. It's turning your strength against you. I think with some time you will develop that sense of when to penetrate and when to stay in your gap.
In the secondary, the keepers are Leigh Bodden, Daven Holly, Sean Jones, and Brodney Pool. You guys are doing the best you can with no pass rush. I think we should take our lumps with Brodney as our Free Safety. It did seem as though that we missed Brian Russell back there last night. I can see why the coaches talk about him being the coach of the secondary but I believe that he won't be back next season. He's going to want starter money but as it stands right now, I think Brodney will start the rest of this year into next year. We can't spend that money on Russell so he's gone. Bodden, you're great. Get healthy. Holly, you're a good find that tackles well in the open field. I think with more field time, you and Leigh can be special. Sean Jones, where do I start? Magnificent year! Absolutely superb. Here's what's missing though: the five picks so far this year haven't made a difference but the one's you've dropped did. Let's work on those hands. Five picks could be ten with a little hard work. I remember you dropped one earlier this year where you had 60 yards of open field in front of you. We had this drill when I was in high school where you ran, did a spin move and the ball was already coming at you. It only gives you a split second to locate the ball and try to bring it in. Something along this line may help you.
I wouldn't change a thing with our Special Teams. Josh Cribbs is a kick returner, one of the best in the entire NFL. Best in Browns history. I remember the "Icecube" and Randy Baldwin in my lifetime as good returners not to mention Metcalf but Josh Cribbs is definitely a keeper. I'm not sure he should be a receiver just yet because his hands aren't reliable yet but that's something that he's working on. I know that he's only been doing it for two years now so I'm cutting him some slack. I guess the only problem that we have on Special Teams is who will replace Dennis Northcutt next year?
Heading for a reduced role:
Ted Washington - I think if you want to play next season, play. When you're in the game offenses run away from you not at you. I've had my eye on you all season and what I've noticed is that you are in a six foot bubble or that you are a playmaker three feet each way. You can still shed blockers like a horse swatting flies but I just don't see how that body will keep holding up. I think you are headed for goal line situations where you can dominate the line of scrimmage even at this age.
Alvin Mckinley - There's a role for you here too. Rotating with Simon Fraser and Orpheus Roye to keep them fresh. I don't mean that you can't play. Last year everyone was calling you out on message boards and the National media overlooked you and I defended your play but you haven't really done anything this year.
Willie McGinest - No disrespect Willie. I mean that. I would never disrespect one of the all-time greatest pass rushers in my lifetime but here's the thing: where is the impact? You've served your purpose mentoring Kamerion. You've shown him what a pro is supposed to be and it's that kind of unselfish act that brings you back next year. I know the injuries have set you back this year but I don't think that you're the player that you were last season. Let's hope I'm wrong.
Steve Heiden - You continue to impress me. You're quietly having a decent season even though you've had limited opportunities. You make the reduced role by default. It's hard to get you the ball when K2 is the man now. Just keep plugging away. That's all anyone can ask.
Ryan Tucker - You've been the guy for so long here in Cleveland. The only offensive lineman that we've been able to count on consistently. Please get better mentally. I hope your mental illness is not a Bob Hallen thing where the pounding and losing has just evaporated your willingness to play. I hope that's not it. Please take yourself off this list, please.
Cosey Coleman - Are you leaving? That's the question. You're young and since I've been focusing on you, in particular, you've actually done well this season. The problem is that you are in a contract year and are headed for free agency. More power to you but I don't think you're part of the problem on the line. I wasn't sure last year so I've been watching you closely and you rarely, if ever get beat. If I was grading players, I'd give you a B+ and tell you that I need just a little more push from you in the running game.
Hank Fraley - Not bad this year. I'd start you again next year if LeCharles isn't back and you sign a backup friendly deal to stay in Cleveland.
Reuben Droughns - I think you'll excel next year as a goal line back and short yardage guy. I just think we have to get a real difference maker as our running back. Our Ladanian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, Shaun Alexander, Willie Parker. Sure the holes aren't gaping and defenses are loading up and taking away the run but after seeing Jason Wright hit the holes that were there, it's obvious that your acceleration leaves something to be desired. Every great team understands that to be great, you must have role players. Yours should be short yardage. Accept it if it helps us win.
Guys that must go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dennis Northcutt - 4 dropped passes last night. A couple years ago, you looked like a receiver. What happened?
Joe Andruzzi - It's painful to watch you. It hurts. You get pushed around like a blocking sled made of feathers.
Terrelle Smith - One dimensional and even there you're lacking. We brought you here to be Lorenzo Neal and you've turned into Mike Sellars. I hope this is your last year. When you're in the game, defenses know that it's a run. If that's the case, you should be hitting and destroying but I've seen too many whiffs this year. Far too many. I think with Vickers in, we can mix it up more as he has reliable hands out of the backfield.
Ralph Brown - How do you have a career in this league? You make us wish that Ray Mickens was back there. I know with all the injuries to Corners, you've had to play but if Baxter and McCutcheon are healthy, you wouldn't have sniffed the field. Next year, I like extra onions on my Subway Club, okay?
Everyone on the 53 man roster should be back next year fighting for their roster spot if only to add depth except these 4 individuals. Goodbye and Good Riddance.
Lastly, get well soon LeCharles and Gary Baxter. We need you.
If any of you remember me from as far back as February or so, you might be asking yourself, "Self, whatever happened to that guy that was so funny, intelligent, good-looking, and the owner of the biggest #### in America?" I'm not sure what any of that would have to do with me but I'm here. I really haven't had time in months to write anything of note so I figured why bother. I was deleting links from my favorites today and this one had been pushed so far down the list that I had almost forgotten it was there. Don't get me wrong, I had been tinkering with the idea of posting some of my favorite blogs from the past to ease myself back and I still might but not today.
Last Saturday, I drove almost 3 hours to Berea, Ohio for a Browns Backer weekend with the hope that I might actually get to meet Braylon Edwards of the Cleveland Browns. Much to my dismay, the only current Brown to show up was Daven Holly, a corner that might not start in the Arena League. I think he was only there for a free meal. Anyway, Bob Golic was there. Most of you remember him from Saved by the Bell-the College Years.
It turns out he was at one time a football player. I knew that but I’m not sure you did. He still sports the beard and moustache as well as the curled mullet from his playing days. Nice enough guy, funny too but after meeting him it got me thinking about sports figures and where they are now and how their on field success translated into the real world. The following list applies only to sports figures from my day.
Ickey Woods
This one hit wonder had Bengals fans of all ages doing the Ickey Shuffle to the tune of 1066 yards and 15 touchdowns as a rookie while leading the Bengals to the Superbowl in ’89. Injuries derailed a once promising career and he was out of the NFL before his 26th Birthday. After finding out that he currently lives 2 hours south of me, I decided to take the trip down I-75 to meet him in person. Here is an excerpt from our 10 minute conversation.
ME: Ickey, nice to meet you. What’ve you been up to?
Ickey:(Sniff) You got any change? (Sniff)
ME: Umm, yeah, you uh…..
Ickey:(Sniff) I’ll give you my autograph (Sniff) for 20 dollars.
ME: I’m not really an autograph guy but….
Ickey: How ‘bout 10?
ME(backing slowly away): No thanks.
Ickey: I’ll do the Ickey shuffle for a quarter.
As I turned to run, I could hear his voice fading in the distance, “I’ll suck your…..”
In all actuality, I guess he coaches womens football or something. Who cares.
The San Diego Chicken
(The president shown here thinks hard as he tries to put an end to the age old question about the chicken and the egg. President Bush would later reply, "Unity between the Nations is an everlasting fundamentaliscally fundamental opportuninty for young and old. Chickens come from eggs, therefore we will march into the war against the chicken and strike them where they lie.")
In the 70’s and 80’s the San Diego Chicken became a staple of America’s greatest pastime thrilling audiences young and old while singlehandedly reinventing slapstick comedy. While not as popular among pop culturists as say Charro’s boobs,
(You're welcome guys for the obligatory nipple shot. Ladies, sorry it's inherant in my DNA)
he has carved his own little niche in American history. Most of us that have attended any sporting event have seen him live and in person. He is also the only fan to ever be highlighted by a baseball card. His greatest achievement was starring in the cult classic, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. However, all of these great moments in his life were washed away recently as it was found out that he is really not a chicken at all. As it turns out he is a man by the name of Ted Giannoulas that wears a chicken suit. For years, we have all been lead to believe that this genius of a six foot chicken could have such innate comic timing that has never been seen nor heard of down on the farm. The wool had been pulled over our collective eyes. Mr. Giannoulas, if you are reading this I think I speak for all of us when I say, SHAME ON YOU.
Bo Jackson
(Bo Jackson was beside himself as he wrestled with the notion of becoming a two sport star)
The original two sports star, he was Deion before Deion was Deion. If you aren’t old enough to remember when Bo knew baseball, football and just about everything under the sun, then you don’t know diddley. His NFL playing days were ruined in a 1991 playoff game against the Bengals. I know, that sounds like fiction that the Bengals were in the playoffs but it’s true. However, it’s not shocking to believe that the Bengals ended his career because the Bengals organization ended lots of players’ careers just by drafting them.
Bo is currently an assistant to the assistant manager at a Waffle house in Chicago and he hopes to one day own his own car. No, not really. He’s a businessman somewhere in Chicago. Let’s just hope he knows business as well as he knows avascular necrosis.
Marge Schott
The onetime owner of the Reds has currently moved south. When reached for a comment, she replied, “I love it down here, it’s hot year round and the people are more to my liking you Jap ####.”
Well, that’s it for now. I had intended to include such names as Ivan Drago (the great Russian Boxer of the late ‘80’s), Cole Trickle (Nascar), Eugene Chung (offensive lineman extraordinaire of the Patriots), and Brian Bosworth but I’m running out of steam here. That’s why it’s been so long since my last post. I’ll be back in a few months. So on the count of three, start holding your breath. One…… Two…… Three……
Useless Random Randy Fact #707
I am not in any way related to Kobayashi the hot dog eating champion but I do like eating wieners. Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I meant is………..
I know it's been since forever with us. It's sort of like riding a bike, in that at first it's a bit wobbly but before you know it, you're riding with no hands and wrecking into stuff. Well, me anyway. For some of you, you remember me. And to the rest of you that have never read anything about me, well, ahem, you're probably not actually reading this right now. I doubt the name "JustRandy" has any sort of draw to it. Not like "GirlOnTop" or "69Lover" (I sort of made that last one up).
One thing that I always wanted to do was explain why I chose the screenname "JustRandy" and not something like Brownsnut or something of the like. So, since it's been so long and I find myself easing back into the FOX Sports limelight, here's my opportunity. Back when this was a competition, I decided that I didn't want to use something that was going to be deemed innapropriate or offensive or arrogant in any way. Since my name is Randy, I am just Randy. I'm nobody, in other words. I guess justrandy sort of has another meaning in England though. So, that's that.
You'll never believe me when I tell you this. I actually chose George Mason in my bracket to go to the final four. It's not because I knew anything at all about them. I chose them because every year, I ride a virtual unknow into the final four. I chose them because I'm a bricklayer. Bricklayers are masons. A couple of years ago, I chose Army for the same reason but I don't even think they were invited.
So, did anyone think Adam Morrison and Gonzaga would go that far? I mean, really? I, for one refused to jump on the Morrison bandwagon. I think he has skills but I don't see him as an elite player. He will only be average in the NBA, sort of like Wally Sczerbiak or Christian Laettner. Sorry if those names are misspelled but I'm too lazy to google them. Some team is going to draft Morrison high in the first round and I think he'll make them sorry for it. He'll be a journeyman. I see it all over that ugly mug of his. Now, JJ Reddick on the other hand, I didn't see the leader that I wanted to see but I think he'll be a decent pro. So, I'd say that's enough of the college hoops for the night.
Just a few thoughts off the top of my head. I hate the term Bracketology. Like it's a science or something. "I just graduated from BYU with my masters in Bracketology." I hate it.
Another overused term that I can't stand this time of year is in reference to the NFL Draft regarding quarterbacks. It's "Pro style Offense." In essence, aren't all offenses the same? Move the ball on first down, second down, and third down by running and/or passing. There are only so many types of routes that a receiver can run and a running back can only hit the hole or bounce it to the outside. Anymore, NFL offenses are so complex that there truly isn't a Pro style offense. I think if they referred to college defenses as being pro styled, that would carry more weight.
Baseball is a week away. I was going to use an exclamation point because I'm psyched for the prospects of my Tribe, however I've found that a lot of Americans truly don't embrace the game anymore. As a matter of fact, some of you would rather watch praying mantis' mate on the Discovery channel than sit through nine innings of baseball. I used to be like that because I was born an Indians fan which was awful hard growing up. I mean, as a kid, they were lucky to win ten games by the All Star Break but in the '90's we finally came into our own. Speaking of mating insects, I wonder if there's anything better on TV tonight than ladies basketball. Sure, pretend you're interested but you all know as well as me that the majority has no interest in Woman playing basketball. That's why the WNBA isn't exactly pulling in billions with lucrative shoe contracts. Don't get me wrong, I do like the idea of women getting to be paid for a living playing ball but I just don't follow it. Now, if they had a fantasy WNBA contest or something, I may be picqued. Fantasy, Women, Balls, wait that last one didn't fit. Sorry. Maybe, the WNBA should target women more. I mean, they figure it's a man's game being played by women but if they started like selling sponsorship rights to like Kotex or something. Whoa, I am off on a tangent here.
Anyway, so in case you're wondering where I've been lately....jail. No, I just thought that'd be fun to write. Well, not if I was really in jail. I actually have been blogging for the past few days for the OBR. The Orange and Brown Report. It's sort of my dream job, well that and repetitively placing bricks in a line for eight hours a day, five days a week for the next 30 years of my life. That was sarcasm. It hurt just typing that. Bring on the relief of sweet death now. But back to the OBR. I know most of you aren't Browns fans but you should go check it out. It's not as tongue in cheek as I used to be before but it's still some good Randy stuff.
Well, that's it for now. I'm going to try to post here at least once a week from now on until they announce a NGS2. I can't wait for that. I miss the drama that was going on around here back in the day. It was like every day there was something new. Well, until next time......
Useless Random Randy Fact #12
I still, to this day, cannot do the two bunny ears shoe tie method and the loop, swoop, pull one is iffy but I can tie a pretty little bow.
Today's a weird day for me. I hadn't posted anything in 11 days and here I am posting twice within minutes of each other. Thankfully, ephedra is back on the market and it has some sort of synergistic effect that makes me want to write. Well, since I'm posting this in the NASCAR Column, I better not use the big words like synergistic or thankfully. I better dummy this down for the masses. I'm just kidding. I don't really think that Nascar fans are idiots or dumb but I do believe that there are certain stereotypes that most Nascar fans fall under and with good reason. Here is my list of 5 things that you may have said in your lifetime and you decide if the stereotype is unjust.
1. Honey, come quick! The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is on again.
2. The Dentist said I can't brush my teeth because I have weak gums. (This was actually told to me once by a Florida native)
3. The sound system in my tractor is kickass!
4. Honey, Git me another Busch light.
5. I know you're my cousins but we're only second cousins!
Having said all that, I do understand that there is a science to Nascar. I just can't bring myself to watch highspeed left turns over and over and over again. It doesn't appeal to me and after watching the NASCAR link lie dead for months, I know that it doesn't appeal to as many as what the NASCAR fans would have you believe. Either that, or many in the Nascar Nation cannot read and write.
As I struggled to climb the mountain, a soothing feeling of calmness washed over my body. The end of my journey was now in sight. I couldn't help but correlate my journey to the journey that Moses once took. He too was looking for the answers to life's many riddles as was I. However, his journey was a religious one that bequethed invaluable guidance to a lost people and mine, well, mine was to find something to blog about. Not exactly "Grace of God" stuff here. So, on to the rest of this pitiful attempt at writing something to entertain you.
I have never really been a hockey fan. I tried for a couple years to latch myself onto the sport. I bought all of the EA games and at one point could hold a lengthy conversation on any team's roster. I could tell you all about the Gary Suters, the Mark Recchis, the Tie Domis, and the Paul Kariyas. I could even have fooled the most ardent of NHL supporters with my argument as to why Chris Osgood (nicknamed Goalie God by my best friend) was a superior goalie to Patrick Roy. I attended multiples of NHL games while living in Tampa. Well, I'm not sure if you can call the '97-98 Lightning an actual NHL team or not. That's like saying that the Devil Rays will contend this year and by contend, I mean, win 25 games. It's a stretch.
Where was I? Oh, scaling the summit, that's right. I should digress and tell you how this meeting came about. It started one day while watching the extremely overrated ESPN. There was a man named Barry Melrose speaking ever-so-eloquently on topics such as: slashing, icing, and whatever else is involved with the blue line. As he spoke, I noticed that the mullet on his head seemed to have a life of its' own. I found myself transfixed in the salt and pepper highlights as well as the curls of the mullet. I had never meditated before in my life but as the Universe slowly melted around me and transported me to another dimension, I realized that Barry's mullet was a God, or demigod for the ultra religious. I could feel my pulse quickening as I floated further away from this realm of "reality," all the while still transfixed on the mullet. All of the starvation, the warring nations, drought, all of the Worlds' hurts were gone as I was whisked away to a far off place. The mullet was the center of the Universe and then like a candle's flame in the wind, it was gone! My World came crashing back like a cold bucket of reality splashed in my face. ESPN had taken Barry and that beautiful mullet away from me and went into highlights. Oh, the tragedy!
I fell to the floor on both knees and pounded my clenched fists of hatred on the hardwood floor of my living room cursing ESPN and my newly awakened spirit. If I had never seen the truth, it would have been so much easier to go on living the lie of reality. It all seemed so hopeless now. I couldn't sleep for days and eating was harder with every spoonful. I was withdrawn from my friends and family until my epiphany.
I won't bore you with details as I'm sure you all have had the same experience but the short version of my epiphany goes: I called ESPN, yadda yadda yadda and then I ended up on top of the mountain with Barry Melrose's mullet or Philip, as he likes to be called. Here is the abbreviated version of my conversation with the wisest of wise ones:
Randy: (Cowering in fear), Oh wise one, I offer you this sacrifice of a chicken, the blood of a virgin, and one can of Aquanet hairspray, so that I may come to know the answers of the Universe.
Wise One: Don't fear, my son, arise and keep your chicken. Also, don't call me the Wise one, it makes me feel old. Call me Philip.
Randy: I was gonna say, you do look younger in person.
Philip: I owe it all to Rogaine, really. What do you want to know?
Randy: Can you tell me the secrets of the Universe?
Philip: Hahaha, no, I am hair. Dummy.
Randy: But, all knowing hair? Right?
Philip: My God, did Stuart Scott's lazy eye put you up to this? That guys' always pullin' a fast one on me. Seriously, did he send you?
Randy: No, but I did speak to the gravel in Chris Berman's throat. In his eyes, you were highly regarded.
Philip: That ####! I don't even like him. Well, let's get on with it. You get one answer to any question and make it quick, I have a 2 o' clock appointment with Richard Dean Anderson about resurrecting his career.
Randy: Well, you're sort of putting me on the spot Phil...
Philip: It's Philip, geez, phil is what you do to a prescription or you use phil dirt.
Randy: Sorry Philip. I guess, if there's one thing in the Universe that I would have to know the answer to, it would have to be, why hasn't soccer caught on in America?
Philip: Are you serious? You could have asked how to end War, hunger, poverty, an end to the rising fuel costs, if the SuperBowl was fixed, who really shot JFK, anything! But, you chose to ask about soccer! What's wrong with you? The answer to the question that you've asked is simple. It's boring! Now be gone!
And away I went. I parted ways with the Wise One feeling empty and remorseful. However, the answers that he gave me imparted so much more than he could have ever known. I was able to read between the lines as was his wont. See, he actually was saying so much more that I'm sure you too can gleen from my moment with greatness. He was saying that there will always be War as long as we are divided, Hunger will never end as long as there is an economy, and that I should knock over every 7/11 that I see. It was obvious.
Useless Random Randy Fact #387
I tried to register myself as a trademark once, It turns out that you have to be a product of some sort.
P.S.
It's nice to see that things are a little more normal around here. Well, everything except me.
In every argument, you can have two categories, Subjective and Objective. The Subjective argument is based on the opinion of the person's point of view. The Objective argument is based on the object itself, independantly of the observer. We can bicker and banter and fight and tussle about what happened in the SuperBowl until we're blue in the face but at the end of the day, the Steelers won a boring game that Seattle handed them with their missed opportunities. My point is not to come across as smart here. It's to point out that all these Super Bowl conspiracy posts, Screw the Seahawks, and Screw the Steelers posts are a waste of time and energy and furthermore, they are making Steeler and Seahawk fans come across as low class. For instance, Seattle fans are busy defending their Team, which is admirable, but somebody on some post somewhere said something to the effect of, "sure you guys won but tomorrow when you wake up, you'll have to go to your factory job while I sit back and pull in my easy six figures." Money does not buy you class. There's others and I'm sure you've all seen them. Another for instance, Steelers fans are calling the Seahawk's fans "WINERS." When I saw that, I thought that they misspelled WINNERS. I thought that maybe I missed something from the night before. Note to Steelers fans everywhere, if you can't spell whiner, then don't try. It just makes you all look dumb. America doesn't seem to remember that you guys hosted the nice little greet and eats for us Browns fans when our Team was coming back. Or that your owner voted against Art Modell's move to Baltimore. Nice gesture. Your owner is what football is all about. That doesn't mean I like you though.
So, to the Steelers fans out there, you are currently the reigning champion. Isn't that enough? Stop rubbing salt in the wounds of every Seahawk fan you encounter. The season is over and you came out on top, enjoy it because when training camps open, you go from the reigning champs to defending champs and that's a hard pill to ####. Ask the Ravens.
And to the Seahawks fans out there, just give the Steelers fans a congratulatory pat on the #### and tell them, "there's always next year." But don't retire that phrase because we Browns fans coined it and may sue if you overuse it.
Oh, what a horrible week! It's been a week since my last post, which by no means do I imply that you have been anxiously awaiting my return. Last Sunday, my Grandpa turned 80 and we had a nice family function, or dysfunction in my case. Monday, I was job hunting. I hate pimping myself to complete strangers. In Ohio, we have these really bad but cheap restaurants called Rally's. Restaurant is actually a major stretch. I would think something to the effect of vomit inducer is more fitting. Uuuggghhh.......Rally Burgers. I think I was food poisoned from eating there although I'm not sure if that would hold up in a court of law. So, Tuesday and Wednesday was a complete and utter blogging wash for me. Thursday, I felt a little better so I got on here and starting reading some of the blogs. Jesus, the Hawks and Steelers fans really came out of the woodwork while I was gone. Friday, same thing only with more venom. Saturday I avoided this place like a Rally Burger because of all the hatred spewed comments from nonposters. Which brings us to Sunday. I won't bother with weighing in on the officiating or the fact that the much hated Steelers won the SuperBowl. Congratulations Steelers. I guess if anything, I can take comfort in the fact that the 41-0 pasting that my Browns suffered at the Steelers' hands was not so bad, in retrospect. They were dialing it up a notch while all we were doing was trying to get to the end of the season. At least all the people that have been hyping up Ben as being in the Elite class of Quarterbacks can now see him as just a game managing type. Well, hopefully. I just don't think he's special in any way. He sustains drives and I guess that's what you want from a QB but, elite, he is not.
To the Seahawks fans out there: SORRY! I was hoping they'd win but I am not emotionally invested in your club so I can't really empathize with you. I'd imagine it hurts more to lose in the biggest game of your life than say, the playoffs. It's sort of like when the Indians got to the World Series. I endured a lot in the Eighties as a fan of the Tribe so when the Indians finally got good I was able to say that I was a fan before we started winning. It felt good to see them in the Series but I would have rather endured another 100 loss season than a four game sweep at the hands of the Braves. Or game 7 of the '97 World Series. At least when we were losers, we had low expectations. So, I sort of see what you're dealing with now.
So, the Hummer commercial stands out as my clear favorite of all the new commercials from last night. There's something to be said for high budget commercials done in a low budget manner. I really liked that one even though the people at Hummer could care less about how fuel efficiency or the lack thereof, drives the train of our petroleum hungry economy. Whoa, Slow down Mr Rader. Don't go getting all political. This is not the time or the place.
Football season is over and it is with a heavy heart that I type that. I mean, there's the ProBowl but, seriously, that's not football. It resembles it but it's not football. Where's the Team chemistry? The rivalries? The pass rush? It's not there. I'd rather focus on NFL Europe so I can tell all my friends about the next Kurt Warner or Adam Vinatieri or even the next Corey Jackson. Who? Nevermind, if you aren't a Browns fan. Anyways, I'll still watch the ProBowl. I just won't like it. I'll watch it because it will have to hold me over for the next five months. After that, it's back to simulating Madden games with a pumped up Browns squad as we tear through opponents on the way to the SuperBowl. Oh, I'm sick but at least I'm aware of it.
Baseball is just around the bend. Now that I live in Ohio again, I can take the 2 hour drive on the turnpike to the Jake. It's worth it. Somehow and for some unknown reason, there's always someone that has tickets to an Indians game that they can't attend. This happens at least three times a year. Well, when opportunity knocks.......
Okay, so this has been, like, my most sports related post in months. No half assed attempts at being funny. No hiding behind clever wit. None of that. I guess that FooFoo guy has affected me. No, not really. I guess I'm just posting to let any of you that actually reads my stuff know that I'm still here even though Rally's tried to kill me. Again, I doubt that argument would hold up in court.
My last thing before I go. I haven't even started working on the Meeting but I will soon. I like the idea of just typing it as I go with no regard to where the story is going. It sort of helps me write because the ideas for the next chapter will come from the previous chapter and so on. It's sort of like it will write itself. Well, until next time, same bat time, same bat channel.....
Chapter 1: The Gun, The Agent, The Girl, The Duck (Dudski)
What was she doing in his bed and where had he been for the last 24 hours? Training camp was about to start and this could ruin everything. This was the year he had dreamed of. He would put it all together, then sign the big contract. But this changed everything. What did his teammates know about this secret life? When would the calls stop coming into his private number that he had changed repeatedly? Was his agent in on it? Why wasn't Bonnie Bernstein returning his calls? And where was his gun? He always knew what to do on the field. What was his next move? And what was a duck doing watching TV on his sofa?
Here's what I chimed in with:
The nagging tingle of a day old shot steered his eyes toward his arm. “Oh Jesus,” he thought, “I’ve been drugged.” He ran his fingers through his thick brown hair and reached across the girl. “Breakfast time,” he muttered to himself as he grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels off the cluttered nightstand. “You know she’s dead,” the Duck said. “Of course I know, she’s dead,” he said in a matter of fact manner, “I just gotta figure out how it happened.” “I’d say the bullet in her face probably did it,” the Duck replied smartly. “There’s gonna be cops, the papers will never let this…” the duck started but stopped to see Kanye West on the TV. “Shh, I love this song, She take me money, when I’m in need...”The thought of the Duck singing made him laugh because of the stark surrealness of the situation. A dead hooker in his bed and a talking duck, what a way to start a day. “Yeah she’s a triflin’ friend in deed…” He closed his eyes to clear some of the cobwebs out and took a long, deep breath through his nostrils noticing only the distinct and pungent stench of burnt cigarettes lying dead in the ashtray. The deep breath didn’t clear his mind so he decided to try the meditation technique that he had seen on TV. “####, I need a mantra,” he said aloud. “How about, ‘Mmm, I killed a hooker, mmm…I killed a hooker,” the duck said. “Shutup!” he snarled as he flung the half full bottle at the duck, “you’re not even here! You’re a fragment of my imagination!” “Fragment huh,” the duck said, “Figment maybe but you gotta be sick, you ever think of that? Fragment, indeed. You know what your problem is?” Of course he knew, “Yeah, I’m seeing a talking duck.” He closed his eyes again and tried to force his brain into recollection. Recollection of the night before, of this young girl that now laid dead in his bed, anything, something. He opened his eyes and saw that the duck was no longer there. “Oh Christ, I’m cracking up, I gotta get outta here,” he said as he looked at the girl. As his feet hit the floor the phone rang. The sound of the phone startled him which he felt was odd because nothing ever startled him. Not even the first time he had to kill someone and definitely not the second, third, or fourth. “Hello, this is Eli, I am unable to come to the phone right now, if you leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you.” Beep. “Eli, it’s me,” a shaken female voice said, “Pick up.” He grabbed the phone, “Bonnie?” “Yeah Eli, it’s me. I told you not to call me, I told you,” she said as her voice began to crack with emotion, “now look what you’ve done!” “I didn’t do anything Bonnie,” he proclaimed, “seriously, I don’t know what happened.” “Eli, we need to talk but we can’t do it on the phone, meet me downstairs in five minutes at the public library.” “Bonnie,” he asked, “what the hell is going on?” Click. He hung up the phone and began to visually scan the room for his missing gun. There, by the TV were his shoes. “That’s odd,” he thought as he finally noticed that he was still fully clothed from the night before. “Five minutes, huh BonBon? I’ll be there in two,” he muttered as he slipped on his shoes and hurried himself toward the door.As he reached out to grab the handle, he stopped. He turned to take it all in again one last time. He knew that he was in trouble and that he was going to have to do something about it. He knew that his life was never going to be the same. He knew that his brother Peyton couldn’t help and that this was even out of his Dad’s hands. He turned the handle of the door and took a deep breath. “Eli?” He knew the voice; he didn’t have to look to see it was the duck. As he stepped out the door he could hear the duck, “Don’t go Eli! She’s setting you up!”
We are men! Go ahead, look down. See that little guy with his friends. That makes us men. (Not you ladies, the man in the rowboat is for another post) We belch, we spit, we scratch ourselves, we love sports and the smell of our own farts. Go ahead, admit it. When we're hungry, we crave meat. When we shop, we go directly to whatever we need and we're done. We understand that it's okay to cry whenever it's Sports related. We've been collecting tools since we had our own money. We have hair on our backs, chests, and shoulders. Well, maybe you guys do. Me, not so much. If it itches, we scratch it. Anywhere and any time. We hold our guy just because. We cut our toenails only after they start poking holes in our socks. These things seperate us from women. Now, I know there is this big Metrosexual movement and I'm not saying that we should look like this:
Although, we truly aren't that far removed from that. What I'm saying is it's wrong to have your eyebrows shaped in any way. Whenever I see a man with his eyebrows shaped, all I can think of is, "I wonder if he prefers flats or pumps when he's cross dressing?" Honestly, if you didn't know it, this violates section 2-10 of the Mens Handbook, page 18. However, it is okay to shave, burn, wax, or even pluck your Unibrow. I'm all for looking good and smelling good whenever I go out. There's nothing wrong with that. I even once bought a bottle of Sex Appeal when the pheremone revolutions began.
Anyway, by now, you may be wondering, "how is this sports related?" Okay, let me sum it up for you in two words. Nick Goings. I held off on posting this because I didn't want to get clumped into the masses of anti Panthers during the playoffs. But look:
See what I mean? It was at it's worst right before the playoffs and the cameras were in his face. It's as if someone took one of those eye pencils and drew them on. At least in this picture it looks as if there's a burp coming. I've said all I'm going to say about this.
Okay so, you may or may not know this about me. I like to write. I like to be mildly amusing if I can. Uproarious, if I can manage it (although usually it's the multiples of voices in my head that think I'm funny). But there's a serious side to me, occasionally. So, with that in mind, I've decided that I will start posting a serious and ongoing story to my blog. Dudski, of Bread and Circuses fame, actually came up with the idea for me. He posted a blog called "The Gun, the Agent, the Girl, the Duck" where he came up with an outrageous opening paragraph and invited his readers to come up with the next paragraph and so on and so forth. It was a great idea so I decided to try my hand at the next paragraph. I came up with something that tied all of his ideas together but it was so longwinded that he couldn't use it. I will post entries starting today with my rejected first paragraph. I hope you enjoy it. I envision it being much like the old radio detective mysteries.
Useless Random Randy Fact # 199
In 1983 I wore a handmade sequined glove and practiced moonwalking for weeks. This tactic surprisingly did not get me laid. I was 9.
In my life, I have known several people that I feel missed their actual calling in life. One of my best friends, for instance is a 6'4" 360 lb man mountain with the quickest pair of hands I have ever seen. No, it's not Butterbean. This guy plays basketball with us and he runs the point. He should have went to College to play football because I feel he would have ended up in the NFL. He's gifted athletically but when I say this, I'm not saying it lightly, dumber than a box of socks. Err, rocks. Wait a box of socks can be stupid too. I mean seriously, throw a whole bunch of mismatched sox in a box and ask them a question. They are either really dumb or inanimate. Well, anyway I've decided to build a dream team of missed calling superstars that could dominate on any level. Turn the lights off, put on the Gary Glitter Rock and Roll Fantasy and let me announce my starting lineup.
At quarterback from USC standing 6'4" the DUKE,
John Wayne
Who else would you want leading your offense? He had the prototypical size and he had true grit! I don't feel I need major numbers out of the QB as long as I have a leader that can rally the men. You ever seen him throw a punch? Similar to the NFL throwing motion. I would imagine he could sling the rock 80 yards.
My Favorite quote by the Duke:
when asked how he wanted to be remembered, his answer was,"Feo, fuerte, y formal,"which means, he was ugly, strong and he had dignity.
The only problem I would have had was his insistence to play for the Cowboys.
Backup Quarterback
Keanu Reeves as Shane Falco 6'1" 220 lbs
I would have never picked the Keanu of Cowabunga, Gnarly, Bodacious Ted Theodore Logan fame. I also wouldn't have gone with the Neo Keanu. As a matter of fact, I may never have picked him at all if this movie was never made but the coaching that he received puts him on the list. He REALLY looked like a quarterback. At the start of filming Keanu was said to only be able to throw a football 15 yards but at the end of filming could throw strikes 50-60 yards downfield.
***True story about the Replacements, during filming Keanu Reeves was offered a tryout with the Ravens***
Running Back
Al Bundy 6'1" 235 lbs
He once scored 4 touchdowns in a game for the Polk High Panthers, He was their MVP, and he still holds the single season TD mark. Good old #33, TouchDown Bundy!
***True story about Ed O'Neill. He was drafted by the Steelers in 1969***
My Ultimate change of pace back
Allen Iverson 6'0" 165 lbs of mean (think Warrick Dunn)
This guy darts and slashes and is lightning quick. He has the heart of a lion and wills himself to the rim. Also, he plays hurt. Plus, you see the size of his balls?
***Not a true story about AI, he once saved my kitty from a tree***
Full Back
David Tua or his actual birthname Mafaufau Tavito Lio Mafaufau Sanerivi Talimatasi 5'9" 246lbs
I wanted a mean, bruising, smash 'em up kind of guy as my Fullback so why not use the Terminator? I also thought it was funny when the commentators would have a hard time with Chris Fuamatumaafala. Imagine the hijinks of Chris Berman on Sportscenter trying to say Mafaufau Tavito Lio Mafaufau Sanerivi Talimatasi, trust me, hilarity ensues.
Backup Full Back
Chunk from the Goonies 5'1 240lbs
Pros: Plays for Baby Ruths.
Cons: Doesn't know that a statues #### points downwards.
He is a mountain of a man that once was a bodyguard for the stars before making it big himself. I believe that he would thrive in the role of a bodyguard to quarterbacks.
***Did you know? He was the bodyguard of the Notorious B.I.G. but he took a night off, THE night Biggie was killed. Seriously!***
Left Guard
Notorious B.I.G. 6’3” anywhere from 300 to over 400 lbs
Perfect fit. Strong, hard to move, low center of gravity. And as a defensive lineman, would you seriously want to outplay this guy? He could have you killed, well, you know if he wasn't already dead.
Center
Tugboat (Fred Ottman) 6’7” 384 lbs
Did you see the size of this man? I honestly wouldn’t want to be a defender when he performed the “SPLASH.”
The strong side should have an anchor that can move mountains.
Official Bio From the Marvel website:
“…Once he begins moving in a certain direction, no power on Earth can stand in his way.”
Exactly what I would want if I was a running back!
Tight End
Charles Barkley 6’6” 252
After seeing Antonio Gates wreck the NFL I felt this was a natural fit. The Round Mound of Rebound could dominate as a Tight End. Well, unless you put him against Bill Laimbeer. I wouldn’t use the studio analyst version of Sir Charles though, he’s almost big enough to be the Defensive line all by himself.
Wide Receiver#1
Snoop Dogg Height unknown somewhere around 6’5” I think but this is based on pictures of him standing next to people. 110 lbs College: Prison U
Snoop standing next to Troy Smith of the Buckeyes
The D-O-double Gizzle could Catchizzle Passizzles all over the Fizzle. Actually, I remember a thing where he was catching balls from Matt Leinart last year so he was my first choice. Fo shizzle.
Wide Receiver #2
Willie Mays Hayes 5'11" 195 lbs
I needed someone that could stretch the field as my number two wideout. Someone with wheels that could come up big in the big games. Willie Mayes Hayes was a cog on a bad baseball team that turned it up a notch when they needed it most.
Slot Receiver
Ty Cobb 6'1" 175 lbs
The slot receiver had to be fearless going over the middle and fast with good hands. Hitting a baseball with a stick indicates good hand eye coordination. He was fast as evidenced by his 892 stolen bases and he may have been the meanest #### to ever play any sport. He made Mike Tyson in his prime look like a little girl with a skinned knee (crying, that is).
Favorite quote:
"I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me... but I beat them and left them in the ditch."
Kicker
Elvis Presley 6'1" 400 lbs
No, I don't mean the young, good looking teen heart throb Elvis. I’m talking the fat, karate kicking, jump suit wearing, sideburns to his nipples, pores sweating out bacon grease Elvis. Imagine him coming to the field decked out in his football uniform but with a cape.
Honorable Mention Kicker
The Field Goal Kicking Budweiser Clydesdale 7'0" 800lbs
***True Randy Story- I couldn't resist a Budweiser reference.***
Head Coach
Duke from GI Joe
A Paul Brown type that was an excellent leader, Duke was always able to outfox the greatest evil mind of all time, Cobra Commander. I feel his motivational skills would have translated well into the game of football.
Cheerleader: Prince Adam
Well, there you go. That's the offense. I had intended to do a complete team but it took me all day. Hopefully, you enjoy it. By the Way, Mattgerd, I never apologized throughout this whole thing and for that, I'm sorry, haha.
Useless Random Randy Fact #224
I once found Delta Burke to be attractive.
Anyway, I have way too much time on my hands. At least I know it. And knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!
Hahahaha, they are not equipped, of course. I just remembered when I was a kid we always referred to the things we liked as "having a ####" for whatever it was. For instance, I love tacos right? So back in the day, I would have said, "I have a #### for tacos." There's still something about saying that that will always make me laugh and I'm 31. So, if you are a woman and you're reading this, here's my advice: Don't ever wait for a man to grow up because it just may never happen.
Anyways, there hasn't been a lot going on around the World of Sports that's really interested me lately. After the Super Bowl is over, there's college Basketball but I'm not that interested until March. Don't get me wrong I like it and will catch a game whenever I can but I don't plan my weekend around College hoops. In the NBA, I'm a Cavs fan but again, I'm just not that crazy about an 82 game season. It wears on me. I really can't get that heated up this early in the year. In an NBA related note, Ron Artest to the Kings? Well, everyone knew he wasn't going to sit another year. I have nothing to write about it that will make you want to read it any more than the two hundred posts that probably already exist. All I can say is Good Luck Sacremento.
I really can't wait until Spring training. If I'm still blogging in March, I have a lot(and I do mean A LOT) of baseball stories and I'll be able to tell you all about the Bronx cheer but right now, it just doesn't fit.
Am I the only one in the World that thinks Martina Hingis is hot? She revs my engine, so to speak. I welcome her back to women's tennis as open armed as arms can be opened. Wait, did that make sense? Well, it's not like you guys are reading this. Well, except you Mom. A quick shout out to my Mom! Way to push me out of the birthing canal! Yeah!
So, I lost another post the other day. That makes my 4th. I should really start typing these on word but that's one step too many for me. I'm so lazy sometimes that I'm my own worst enemy. For instance, I'm starving right now but the thought of getting up and making something is too much. As a matter of fact, I'm not even typing this right now, I hired a secretary. Boy is she in trouble on payday when I'll be too lazy to find my checkbook.
Sure, many of you are thinking that I've been blogging for the sake of blogging and many of you are right. Like I said before, there's not that much to talk about lately. Most of you are covering all the sports topics and doing a mighty fine job of it too! I used to have a morning routine where I woke up, threw a pot of coffee on, scoured the internet for whatever Browns, Cavs, Indians, and Buckeye news I could find and swilled coffee until I ran out of news. Well, that went the way of the Festiva. Now, I wake up, throw on a pot of coffee and start reading whatever you guys blog about. I'm addicted but at least it's not heroin, well, anymore.
Well, anyway, for the sake of blogging, I'll post something making fun of Canadiens. Here goes!
Myths about Canadiens
1. The Canadien Army which consists of 7 ex Hockey players(12 teeth total), a Mounty, 4Moose, and a squirrel are currently lying in wait, sticks at the ready, waiting for the word to let the pucks fly at us.
2. Canadien is spelled Canadian.
3. Toronto was once home to an NBA team.
4. Polar bears migrate as far south as Churchill because they are embarassed at their attempts to speak broken English.
5. Canadiens eat gravy on their fries and ketchup on their mashed potatoes.
6. Wayne Gretzky thoroughly enjoyed his time in Edmonton.
7. NHL Hockey '95 was the best ever Super Nintendo Hockey game.
8. In Canada, a man can sleep with a Moose but the two can never be married.
9. The grey cup is only grey because of the blandness of Canada.
10. The Candien version of Frosted Flakes are called Normal Flakes. Instead of Tony the Tiger they have Maury the Mosse. His slogan? Theyyyyy'rrrrrreeee Okay!
Okay, I'm sorry everyone that had to read this. I had a lot of time on my hands tonight but I didn't really have anything to say. Hopefully I can be inspired soon. Maybe I should quit my boycott of Jim Rome so I can write angry all the time. See ya around.
Useless Random Randy Fact #127
I once cried during baseball. Game 7 of the '97 World Series.
Oh and by the by Canadiens, I was just funnin' ya. You could even say I have a #### for Canadiens.
Hello Blue Collar America. I posted a drinking game for the Seahawks fans so I figured I better post one for you the Steelers nation. Not that you really need an excuse.
1. If Shaun Alexander makes somebody miss, drink.
2. If during the pregame, any reference to disrespect is made towards the Seahawks, drink.
3. If you are standing outside Ford Field and cannot buy tickets with your childrens college money, drink.
4. If Matt Hasselbeck's brother Tim is at the game, drink.
5. If the Seahawks, take their first possession down the field and score, thus setting the tone, drink.
