Regardless of our cynicism in our last column, we are stoked about the start of baseball. And just like with every other hack, wannabee writer, G-t-W is stepping out of our normal mold and dishing out our first, yearly heavily-biased baseball predictions…
AL Division Winners – Red Sox (East), Tigers (Central) and, very surpsingly, Mariners (West)
AL Wildcard – Indians (Central)
NLCS – Mets vs. Diamondbacks
ALCS – Indians vs. Tigers
WS – Mets over Indians, (told you it was heavily biased)
Major NL Awards (because that’s all I’m keeping tabs off) – Cy Young – Johan Santana, MVP – David Wright (how’s that for biased)
Other Milestones:
Neither Barry Bonds nor Roger Clemens will take to the field all year unless you count their other field of play, the courtroom
Bobby Cox continues to add to his game-ejections record yet a movement is taken to put an asterisk next to the number as fans of the late, “great” John McGraw argue that “when one of his tosses leads to 170 buildings being burned and not all of 170 attending Braves fans put to sleep, then we’ll talk”
Moises Alou plays more games than he did the previous year for the first time since 2004, leading bewildered Mets fan to wonder if a cloning chamber has also been built alongside the new Citi Field
And seriously, the Mets front four of Santana, Martinez, Maine and Perez win 75 games combined, making all the above possible.
Finally, opening day is just two days away and my feelings have been a bit tempered.
See, the Foxsports Mets team page says: The Mets will break camp as definite contenders in the National League East, but not the "team to beat," … if their pitching doesn't hold up and they don't stay injury-free.” Gee, thanks for going out on a limb there with your in-depth analysis. No additional info was provided on what would happen if Johan Santana is kidnapped, David Wright retires to pursue an acting career or if Billy Wagner starts hanging out with John Daly…
2. I did not have sexual relations with that woman…
Just like celebrity deaths happen in threes, we present our third political figure in a row to be on the verge of being sunk by a sex scandal... Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick who is being charged with perjury and misconduct charges stemming from a text-messaging sex scandal.
Prosecutors added that “millions in public money” were spent on the cover-up... U R N TRBL...
3. U-G-L-Y
Sarah Jessica Parker said this week that her feelings were hurt when she found out last October that she had “won” Maxim magazine’s Unsexiest Woman of 2007 award, a contest in which British trainwreck Amy Winehouse came in second. Now not to say I’m nominating Parker for the next Miss Universe pageant, but come on…
If Ms. Winehouse is not your unanimous winner, or the best public service announcement yet for abstinence, I don’t know who is.
4. Full Service
Below is a recent photo of a man in a Portugese mall using a public restroom decorated with female mannequins...
Yet more proof that we are not the best at everything here in the US and that we should look abroad at times for inspiration. It is not known if for a cash tip the mannequin will help you shake and zip…
5. Got anything stronger?
If you’re ever near the town of Santo down in Texas, make sure to swing by Bayou Bob's Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch for a drink…
Assuming he is out of jail and has made another batch of his snake vodka, or ‘ancient asian elixir’ as he calls it, for which the government recently charged him with selling alcohol without a license and possessing alcohol with intent to sell... I prefer anaconda in beer, but that's just me.
Time again for the Friday Five and your escape from the boring and monotonous... or just an excuse to step away from work for a few minutes.
1. Group Sex
Having talked a bit about Client 9 last week, we return to the topic of disgraced Governor’s with the story that a male ex-aide to former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey claims to have engaged in a 3-ways with him and his wife before McGreevey came to office.
I know we are G-t-W and not TMZ, but this stuff is priceless in an unintentional comedy sort of way. Wonder what the wife thought when she realized the second guy was for her husband's benefit and not hers...
2. Slowballs
Orlando Hernandez threw an 80-pitch, four inning simulated game down in Mets training camp this week, and exited with all his body parts still intact, no fractured bones, painful hangnails or the onset of a heart attack. His top fastball was clocked at 81 mph, (seriously) leading one astounded Mets fan to write: “81 mph? I drive faster than that.”
3. Just Win, Baby!
ESPN wrote an article this week in which they said that “By making many expensive moves this offseason, Al Davis has made it clear that he's tired of losing.” G-t-W finds this ironically comical, seeing as Davis was the main reason for all that losing by the Raiders in the first place. I liked this sequence of events (overpaying for has-been / overrated talent) better when it was called the Washington Redskins.
4. Idol
Amanda Overmeyer was eliminated from American Idol this week, leading the question… How did Beetlejuice get through the audition process?
5. Madenning Madness
And finally, the NCAA hoops tourney kicked off this week, and I truly believe I am the only person in the US that could not care less. But good luck to all you ‘bracketologists” out there and so as to not spoil the fun for you, here is a pic of the only part of March Madness that I am aware of every year, Kentucky superfan Ashley Judd:
Time again for the Friday Five, where we provide hard-hitting reporting on things that likely only interest me…
1. Moonvertising
Rolling Rock beer announced they will be using lasers to broadcast their logo on the moon, as well as letting visitors to their site jot down comments to be then displayed on specific coordinates. If this actually a serious attempt, let’s hope the aliens do not confuse their logo with a perceived homage to some all-powerful equine overlord.
2. Mets healing
All (revised) projected opening day starters will take to the field at some point this week. I browsed through Revelations earlier today and did not find that as a sign of the coming apocalypse. But just in case, I would suggest you make peace with God and bring Jesus into your heart.
3. Prostitution
As you all know, NY governor Eliot Spitzer was brought down after being caught in a prostitution sting.
Which again brings up the question of… how is it that prostitution is still illegal? The thought of the government telling two consenting adults what they can and cannot do with and to each other, including sex in exchange for money, seems ludicrous to me.
4. Giants Girl
This week, G-t-W hands down the NY Giants Fan of The Year Award... which we were going to award to ourselves... to Reby Sky, a.k.a Giants Girl. Why? You tell me you're not going to vote for her:
(updated 3/15)
(images courtesy of nygiantsgirl.com)
5. Mortgage Crisis
And to end on a 'serious' note, if you are caught in the current housing market crisis gripping America, and are looking to move to more affordable accomodations... may we recommend the following cozy little number, located in Chattanooga, TN:
It has multiple levels, three bedrooms, two baths and an entrance staircase that retracts with the push of a button, as is currently on sale at eBay. Highest bid now is $100k. So if you have that kind of money and have lost your mind... or are visiting from Alpha Centaury, give it some thought.
This week, G-t-W has undergone a Corporate re-org and spun off some of our businesses. Starting off, Off and On Topic Friday has been split into its key components, allowing each to focus on their core competencies. So this week, we start of with a stand-alone Friday Five:
1. Walking Wounded
When it was announced Moises ‘Balsa Wood’ Alou would be out 4-6 weeks following hernia, surgerythe list of Mets positional starters on the shelf reached 6, combined with all 3 OF backups and top 3 positional backups as well, not counting Orlando ‘El Duque At Least I’m Still Breathing’ Hernandez.. If the season started today, the New Orleans Zephyrs (Mets AAA) would have to take the field. Some say it is better to get the injuries out of the way, but since half of the injured ended the season also out, this is looking more like a worrisome trend. As for Alou, I’ll close by saying that since his hands / wrists never seemed to be hurt, maybe he should expand his routine and start taking full baths in urine. But on the bright side…
2. Dynamic Duo
Oh yeah! 2-1 victories, here we come!
3. Movie Realism
I love movies and I rarely pay attention to the realism potential of a script. I’m usually looking for entertainment and not care whether it is possible to fly faster than the speed of light or travel back in time. But as I lazily sat through a commercial for “The Other Boleyn Girl”, I finally saw a point of incredulity that I cannot cross. From what I gathered, King Henry VIII is torn between two sisters competing for his affection. Now I have to say that a story about a king losing sleep when choosing between one sister that has the body of a pre-teen boy…
...and another that was not long ago voted as having the best boobs in the industry…
...is even less believable than the Cloverfield monster.
4. Robocop
No, not the 80’s icon but this former BBQ smoker turned #### kicking machine armed with an infrared camera, spotlight, loudspeaker and aluminum water cannon that shoots a stream of icy water about 20 feet.
It was built by an Atlanta bar owner to, in his own words, clean up his neighborhood from “homeless people and drug dealers, defecating, urinating, prostituting -- the whole nine yards.” Now I am not down with chasing after homeless people, as God knows most of them have suffered enough and need help and not a watery assault, but taking back the streets by chasing off drug dealear on his own dime is a step in the right direction.
5. Runners
I ran the Boston Marathon a few years back and with the weather slightly warming up in the Northeast, I’m looking forward to hitting the streets again for some road race training. And hopefully this will allow me to stay as physically fit over time as Buster Martin...
...who this weekend will become the world’s oldest marathon runner by completing the London Marathon at the spry age of… 101! Furthermore, he plans to celebrate completion of the race with a pint of beer. Now that is something I can support.
After a brief absence, O ‘n T Friday is back with a new look and format. So to kick things off, we go off topic with the Friday Five:
1. NY Mets
Spring training is here and not a minute too soon. And with a potentially dominating front four of Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, John Maine and Oliver Perez, I am stoked for the season. And if someway, somehow, the Duaner Sanchez of 2006 returns, then the bullpen could be lights out. Fingers crossesd starting…. Now.
2. NY Giants
The FA period started today and the Giants are looking at big voids at Safety (both starters gone) and OLB (one starter unsigned, another one coming off injury, and a key backup gone). I like Michael Johnson stepping in at one safety slot, Kawika Mitchell may be resigned, and Mathias Kiwanuka can only (hopefully) get better, but there is already a lot of work to do in beginning the title defense.
(updated 1:53 pm) - According to the Associated Press, the Bills have agreed to a deal with former Giants linebacker Kawika Mitchell- So if you are an unemployed football player, the Super Bowl Champions have three job openigs. Please apply inside.
3. Oscars
My wife loves watching the award shows red carpet specials, while I try to just stay awake if I happen to be in the room. But I have a new found appreciation for the show after Gary Busey’s brain damage / (maybe) chemically fueled crashing of the RyanSeacrest / Jen Garner interview. The look of terror on her face (no doubt she had no idea who that was) coupled with Seacrest lamely trying to stick to his fluff script while a psycho was on the loose was the best scene from the night.
4. Mass Effect
It was announced this week that the expansion set for Xbox 360’s Game of the Year comes out on March 10th, which happens to be my birthday. If any of the G-t-W’s loyal readers are looking for presents, I wouldn’t object to that one.
5. History Channel
With my favorite show 24 not on this season thanks to the #### writer’s strike, and the only reality show I watched, Deadliest Catch, also not on this season, I have been forced to channel surf for something new and found it. So if you have a couple of spare hours, slide on over to the History Channel on Wednesday’s from 9-11p EST for Monster Quest and UFO Hunters, two documentary-style shows in which they attempt to either validate or disprove various reports on these ‘phenomenons’ all across the globe.
Now staying off topic, we are debuting a new feature: The Irrelevant Babe in the News Pic of the Week. This week’s highlight is our favorite beach babe, Pam Anderson, who this week stunningly ended her third marriage:
So to all you out of shape rockers and 15-min of fame types, get your shots of penicilin and antibiotics ready, because Pam is a Ms. once more.
Finally, staying on topic, we have the return of the Shot of the Week, which has hit the mark four of the last picks. This week, we are going with unbeaten El Gato Malo to remain as such in the Sham Stakes.
This will be a big test for him, as he will be stretching out to 1-1/8 m and going two turns for the first time. Now his pedigree is built for speed, not stamina (his sire El Corredor won the Gr-I Cigar Mile and his dam and granddam were all sprinters) but his domination has not hinted any distance limitations. This race should be a good gage on whether his is a true Derby contender or not.
Welcome back to another edition of a end-of-the-week special. Starting off, we have the latest Horses to Watch lists. As before, updates will be bolded, so let’s get on with the show:
Kentucky Derby Trail (not be confused with top 3yo)
Listed – Court Vision, Into Mischief
Knocking on the door – War Pass, El Gato Malo, Cowboy Cal, Giant Moon, Z Fortune, Crown of Thorns (impressive stakes win around two turns)
Older Horses (4yo+)
Listed – Curlin, Chatain
Knocking on the door – Johnny Eves, Go Between, Spring at Last and A.P. Arrow (one two finishers in G-1 Donn, Spring' impressive in his return, AP' two solid races in a row)
F&M (3yo+)
Listed – Ginger Punch, Wait a While, Indian Blessing
Knocking on the door - Zenyatta
Turf Male
Listed – Champs Elysses, Daytona
Sprint
Listed – Midnight Lute, In Summation, Benny the Bull, Dearest Tricksi
Look for the results of this week’s bevy of Derby Prep races and major Handicap Division stakes to shake up the list next week (yes, I copied / pasted)
G-t-W Shot of the Week – Our three-week win streak was snapped last week when Gold Edition finished fourth in Australia's Gr-I Lightning Stakes. But as pointed to earlier, we will copt out and take a mulligan, as the grey mare injured herself during the race and had to retired.
But as promised, we will make up with two Shots this week. First, Shot A is Tough Tiz's Sis in the Gr-I Santa Maria Handicap. She's lost a couple of tough ones, but she is the class of the field and should be back in the winner's circle.
Shot B will be the front running Daytona in the Gr-III Fair Grounds Handicap. He will be facing a tough field, but he is on a roll having won three stakes in a row. Look for him to come through again.
As for Off Topic...
Pedro Martinez - Petey, I don't care if you were invited, if its your culture and if you just hung around doing nothing. By being thre you are condoniming the inhumane and disgraceful practice of c.ockfighting. I am from PR, and c.ockfighting is legal and part of its culture too, and it does not change my opinion of it. Shame on you. And shame on the Mets for their #### statement about it. I still will follow catch the games as intensly as ever, but that will not lessen my disappointment.
Giants (last post on them until Draft time)- Corey Webster, I take back all the times I said that I wished you were never on the roster. And I take issue with whomever does not agree his shutting down Galloway, TO, Driver and Moss four weeks straight was not one of the greatest one-month periods of DB coverage EVER. And Plaxico Burress, I will never call you Plexiglass again. Playing all year with an ankle injury so bad that he was never able to practice, then delivering all year, plus turning Al Harris into his #### in the NFC Championship and delivering the game winning SB catch gets you a pass for the rest of your career.
Welcome back and glad to see you’ve almost made it through another week. As we mentioned last week, the first half of this column will continue to focus on our recently formed Horses to Watch lists. We have some up and some down, and some staying put. Updates will be bolded, so let’s get on with the show:
Kentucky Derby Trail (not be confused with top 3yo)
Listed – Court Vision, Into Mischief
Knocking on the door – War Pass, El Gato Malo, Cowboy Cal, Giant Moon, Z Fortune
Out – Everyone but War Pass (for now) that ran in the BC Juvenile
Older Horses (4yo+)
Listed – Curlin, Chatain
Knocking on the door – Johnny Eves, Go Between (needs to prove his SM Classic was no fluke, but he did set a new track record.)
F&M (3yo+)
Listed – Ginger Punch, Wait a While, Indian Blessing
Knocking on the door - Zenyatta (undefeated, beat two G-1 winners last out in first graded stakes try)
Out – Nashoba’s Key (Lost two in a row, needs to get back on track)
Turf Male
Listed – Champs Elysses, Daytona (forgot him last week, has won three stakes in a row, two GR-II and one Gr-I)
Sprint
Listed – Midnight Lute, In Summation, Benny the Bull (showing top form in winning back to back stakes), Dearest Tricksi (has now won 8 of 9, and set the track on first in the F&M Sprint)
Look for the results of this week’s bevy of Derby Prep races and major Handicap Division stakes to shake up the list next week
G-t-W Shot of the Week – After hitting the mark three weeks in a row (with four picks nonetheless), we at G-t-W are feeling confident in our handicapping abilitiesagain . This week, we will change things up a bit and focus our attention overseas. Specifically Australia, where we will pick the mare Gold Edition to come home ahead of the males in the Gr-I Lightning Stakes
Super Bowl – NYG 27, NE 24… Believe it! The Giants have been the NFL’s best team in January and that is who wins the Super Bowl
Super Bowl, part 2 - NE backup QB Matt Cassell played in the Little League World Series final, won two BCS titles at USC while backing up Matt Leinart and doing nothing, now he's part of the undefeated and heavy Super Bowl favorites while backing up Tom Brady... and doing. I think Matt is a guy we want to bring to the track for luck, as long as he just sits there and does nothing.
Santana / Mets – Less than eight hours to go until the signing deadline. If the deal does not get done, no need to plan a demolition of Shea Stadium prior to opening Citi Field. The current crop of Mets fans will have that finished by tomorrow afternoon
Finally, as always, the Denise Milani Pic of the Week. No need to say anything else.
This midweek ‘relief’ piece has featured a number of things in the past, starting off with some equine humor, to providing a comprehensive, if scantily-clad, public service announcement mini-series and most recently, some build up the that football game on Sunday. Now the word Relief has various possible uses, but the most common can be defined as: The easing of a burden or distress or Something that alleviates pain or distress or even A pleasant or amusing change.
This week, G-t-W will simply stick to the facts and the plain and clear definition listed above, as events yesterday accomplished those three things, at least for me. Selfish, absolutely. So without further preample, I present the following piece of art.
In closing though, this column was founded on the principle of presenting fair and balanced reporting, by providing a place to feature the stupid and immature. And to some, the above qualifies. But I’m more into making fun of others and what they like, so instead I turn the focus to the “upcoming” book put forth by the Boston Globe and, as of yesterday, on pre-sale at amazon.com: 19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots. Yes the link, which worked yesterday, does not work anymore. But if you checked yesterday, you could have pre-ordered the collector’s item above for (and I quote) the “bargain price of $14.95.” I’m imaging perhaps a little negative feedback might have caused the link to be disabled by Amazon, but too little to late. If there is such a thing as jinxes, and that is something Boston fans claim to be true, it will rear its ugly head on Sunday...
... in which ESPN's Buster Onley reports that "the Twins have fielded offers from all interested parties by a mid-day Tuesday deadline, and Minnesota is expected to make a decision soon on whether to keep the left-hander or trade him" and that "Some officials engaged in the talks strongly believed that Santana will land with the Mets."
Living in Sports Hell (Boston for a non-Boston fan), PLEASE let this happen...
I am a FOX Sports Blogger who hasn't yet written much of a bio yet. But as you can tell, I'm a horse racing aficionado... who also happens to love the Mets and NY Giants (not from NY, but thanks for asking)
