The offseason... sigh... is there anything worse? Not for football fans. We wait. We debate. We attend draft day parties, track signings on line... some of us try to show up to training camp just to get a little fix.
And let's face it, it's not as if the offseason diminishes the celebrity of any footballer. You can pick out Tom Brady at fifty yards. Keith Traylor and Junior Seau are the most popular guys in their retirement communities, while Matt Leinart and Vince Young are the most popular at the local college keg party... and Brett... oh Brett.
But the problem with the offseason is that while a true fan still wants to be in touch with the league, the idea of it all gets muddled. When is it no longer football we are following?
For such cases, I ask myself H.D.T.A.M.F.L., or... "How Does This Affect My Fantasy League?" It's a great filter to keep in mind as cruising headlines in the offseason, and a very large reason that I believe EVERY person who writes about football should partake in it's fantasy outlet. This way, we can focus on ACTUAL football stories, and move away from the fluff and business that really shouldn't clog my brain EVER. Signings and team cuts are obvious, but others need a bit of perspective. Here are a few examples...
Terrell Owens say Jessica Simpson can come watch Tony play. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - It doesn't. Jessica is not Tony's downfall. Panic attacks are. This is not a football story.
Brandon Marshall is attacked by brother/McDonalds bag. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - Tons, though only due to the resulting injury. The story itself... doesn't mean #### to me. He could have been attacked by the Burger KIng "King", and I don't care. Just as long as he can wrap his fingers around a football.
Javon Walker is beaten up by thugs, relives events in a flashback that closely resembles a season of "24". H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - Doesn't affect anything. If you were planning on drafting him, you have deeper trouble.
Tom Brady dates model. They go places and look better than everyone. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - I've thought long and hard about it, in hopes to make SOMETHING in this count, but it doesn't. He's simply a very hatable man.
Marshawn #### plays bumper tag with woman on city street. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - Deeply. The commishiner could suspend him forever. And there is that whole "jail" thing.
Eli Manning attends charity ball. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - It won't. Ever. Unless he gets stabbed in the leg with a serving fork. This is not a football article. Turn in your field pass.
Peyton Manning shoots 12 new commercials. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - Massive impact. If I draft him, I now am forced to think about him more than food or women I would like to sleep with. Life takes a very dark twist.
Brett Favre. H.D.T.A.M.F.L. - Haha! This is tricky. You would think massive impact, depending on where he ends up, if he ends up playing, etc. etc. BUT NO! He's on the Madden Cover. Untouchable. Proceed as normal.
So... I hope this gives some perspective to what should really constitute a sports story, and how I hope we can move away from the celebrity expose that we seem to be giving NFL footballers. Let's face it, in the end, we want them to play games and win. We want the to smash other guys in the mouth and make it more exciting to pass through a Sunday. Let's get down to brass tacks, and let Fantasy Football lead the way.
The new season is on it's way!
P.S. You may be asking yourself... H.D.T.A.M.F.L. If so, excellent job. You were paying attention. This blog affects your fantasy league deeply. In fact, it should have changed the way you approach life. If not, meditate upon it, come back to me later.
I love the open nature of these blogs. It's amazing how so many people can be oh so right and oh so wrong... and yet none of us knows for sure.
I was going to post something to boo the Patriots, but I decided, why not spread the pain? Besides, I'm probably not right, but I might not be wrong either.
The following is my humble opinion as to why the team you see as a power house (New England, Indianapolis, San Diego, Denver, and New Orleans) will suck.
New England Patriots -
Everyone wants to get on this band wagon so bad. Has anyone stopped to think why Belicheck is making all these moves? This strikes me as a man's last stab at glory... and while the names are big, the New England Patriots were able to win Super Bowls off of the idea of a team. This team will explode mid-season when Randy Moss starts making jokes about the latest loss being "The Brain on drugs". It's all downhill from there, when in an attempt to regain his former team roll, Reche Caldwell claims that he too is carrying Tom Brady's child.
Indianapolis Colts -
Peyton Manning will get "lost" coming back from his 1 millionth commercial shoot. The team will be a mess without him, and suddenly realize that in this case, one man really can make a team. It will later be revealed that Pacman Jones was involved in Peyton's 14 week "detour".
San Diego Charges -
In a strange fit of new found power, A.J. Smith will begin firing anyone who looks at him cross eyed. LaDanian Tomlinson will start the last 9 games for the Houston Texans, and finally win a Super Bowl ring. They do almost lose in the AFC championship to the Tennessee Titans, led by Philp Rivers (Vince Young was put on I.R. earlier in the season for "unexplainable Madden related injuries")
Denver Broncos -
Seeming the earlier front runners for a Super Bowl run, the entire team is sadly sucked into a time vortex when Jay Cutler throws as hard as he can in practice and tears the fabric of reality. The team will reemerge in 2026 and lead humanity to a victory against the space people. Final score: Broncos 133 - Aliens 54.
New Orleans Saints -
The team that everyone has to love a little bit will suffer the sad realization that they are in the NFC, and the NFC sucks.
OK, sue me. I'm high on cough syrup. I thought it was funny.
