For several years, NFL fans everywhere have wondered how the Chicago Bears can succeed with mediocre quarterbacks such as Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton.  The Bears' solution?  Don't let them on the field.

The Bears have spent much of their offseason designing and implementing a new offensive formation in which Devin Hester will be the primary ball handler.  Hester showed flashes of brilliance last year, catching 20 passes for 299 yards and 2 touchdowns in his first season at wide receiver.  However, his special teams skills - 11 touchdowns in 2 seasons - are what the Bears are trying to bring to the offense.

The new formation, known as "Punt Return 2" among Chicago players and coaches, is believed to be the first of its kind used in the NFL.  Unlike traditional formations, the backs and receivers will line up at various positions behind the offensive line, with Hester the furthest back.  After getting the ball from longsnapper Patrick Mannelly, Hester will attempt to score, following his blockers as if the play were any normal punt return.

When asked about his team's new plan of attack, head coach Lovie Smith (the first black coach to lose the Super Bowl) said, "Devin's been just great for us the past couple of years.  Last season he was terrific as a receiver, and his returns have always been excellent.  Our new offense allows us to use Devin's returns on every play."  Added Smith, "Besides, Rex and Kyle have been downright awful for us at quarterback, there's no way I'm letting them control our offense.  How much worse could this make us?"

This new development answers many of the questions pressing the Bears lately.  Their running game was in shambles after the release of troublesome back Cedric Benson, and the passing game was equally bad with the release of Bernard Berrian and the re-signing of Grossman and Orton.  "You all [the media] have been down on us since the start.  Y'all have said our quarterbacks stink, our running game's awful, and you know what?  You're right," said Hester.  "But you also said that I won't be able to save my team's offense by myself.  I'm looking forward to proving y'all wrong this season."

Although the Bears are excited about the upcoming season, not all fans have bought into the new offense.  When informed of his team's new offensive direction, a Chicago-area bar patron could only mutter, "####ing Bears," into his mug before turning away in disgust.

Neither of the Bears' quarterbacks could be reached for comment.  A phone call to Grossman yielded only muffled sobs, while a call to Orton was not returned.  The second-stringer is rumored to have lost all interest in football, instead spending hours at his computer searching for his soul mate on celebrity/rich people dating sites like CelebrityMatchmaker.com.  Said Orton's publicist, "He saw her on there.  Oh and she is gorgeous and takes care of him the way he likes it.  She is his soul mate.  He found her on sugard a d dy . co m and you can too."