As some of you know, I've decided to boycott the Super Bowl this year. Don't try to talk me out of it; it's non-negotiable. I can't root for the Giants, because any quarterback that refuses to play for the team with the #1 pick has to suffer the same fate as John Elway: early success with an above-average team in the NFL's weaker conference, but no ring until at least his 15th year. I can't root for the Patriots either, because their team photo appears next to "evil" in the dictionary. No, nothing short of Cheap Trick being called in as a last-minute replacement for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as the halftime entertainment could get me to watch this Super Bowl. The question that remains though, is what am I going to do on Sunday night?

Let's see what's on the schedule for the other channels I normally watch.

Hmmm...it looks like the other major networks are showing news during the Super Bowl. Oh wait, NBC is showing "The Biggest Loser: Couples." That sounds like a good alternate name for Super Bowl XLII. ABC is also showing "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," A.K.A. The Show That's Half Commercials. They're following that with "America's Funniest Home Videos." No thanks.

Zoinks! The Cartoon Network is showing a Scooby Doo marathon. In all honesty, that might be the best option I've come across so far.

CMT is showing Fried Green Tomatoes. Sorry, I'm not into "chick flicks." After that they're rerunning episodes of "Gone Country" which I've already seen. Any show where the likes of Dee Snider, Sisqo and Marcia from "The Brady Bunch" attempt to become country singers is can't-miss entertainment. I don't know if I feel like watching them again though.

Versus is showing something other than hockey. Pass.

Hey, there's a Wizards-Lakers game on the local sports channel. The Lakers' resurgence this year has gotten me depressed though, so I don't know if I can stand to watch that game.

Scooby, you may have some competition for your spot at the top of the power rankings. TV Land is showing "The Beverly Hillbillies," "The Andy Griffith Show" and "M*A*S*H." I'm not a huge fan of any of those shows, but they're usually a nice way to pass the time.

TBS is showing some "Bridget Jones" movie. See my comment on Fried Green Tomatoes.

C-SPAN is showing "Road to the White House 2008." Hey, now there's an idea. I could get caught up on the current political race. I have a feeling though, that after it's all said and done I still won't like any of the candidates they're hyping.

How about my old hometown's local channel, WGN? Oh great. More "America's Funniest Home Videos," and then, if that weren't enough, it's followed by "Funniest Pets and People," which is essentially the same show. Hey, "American Idol Rewind" is on after that. The description says "Wildcard Show." Wow, there's a change. Whenever I checked out "AI Rewind" in the past it was always a compilation show of those oh-so-hilarious bad auditions. You know, the ones with poor deluded souls who think screeching at the top of their lungs is actual singing? Those are funny once or twice, but after a while you just want to hit the mute button. I might tune in if indeed they're showing an episode with real performances.

How about the movie channels? Oh look, the Beatles' movie Help! is on. I've seen it before though. There's Facing the Giants, a football movie. I've heard it's good, but I think I'm done with football (and any gridiron team nicknamed "the Giants") until September. Stop the presses! Howard the Duck is on! I'm sure Ed Hardiman would be proud if I watched that. The Flintstones is on too. Remember that masterpiece starring John Goodman and Rick Moranis? I actually saw that in theaters when it came out. I don't think I've seen it since then. I think that streak will continue. Then there's An American in Paris, which I've also seen before. While Gene Kelly is much more entertaining than Bill Belichick, I don't think I feel like watching that particular movie.

The NHL Network is mostly showing "NHL on the Fly," which, for anyone who doesn't know, is just a show that gives you updates on the day's NHL games. I'm not going to sit and watch the same highlights over and over. I'd rather watch one of their random lists like "The Top Ten Left-Handed European Defensemen of the 1993-94 Season."

NBA TV is showing "NBA Vault" and that same Lakers-Wizards game I'm avoiding. I suppose some retro basketball stuff could be interesting.

The Game Show Network is showing "Greed," "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" and "Lingo." Those shows are OK, but nothing I'd go out of my way to watch.

Finally, the Hallmark Channel is showing a "Murder, She Wrote" marathon. If they were showing one of their formulaic feelgood movies I might watch just so I could be cheered up from the dismal reality that two teams I hate are playing for the NFL's championship, but if Angela Lansbury is the best they can give me I think I'll pass.

The Super Bowl is the biggest event in American sports, and as such it leaves a big gap to fill. There are some decent options on TV, but most aren't so great. The more I think about it the more I'm leaning toward just reading a book.