As some of you know, I've decided to boycott the Super Bowl this year. Don't try to talk me out of it; it's non-negotiable. I can't root for the Giants, because any quarterback that refuses to play for the team with the #1 pick has to suffer the same fate as John Elway: early success with an above-average team in the NFL's weaker conference, but no ring until at least his 15th year. I can't root for the Patriots either, because their team photo appears next to "evil" in the dictionary. No, nothing short of Cheap Trick being called in as a last-minute replacement for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as the halftime entertainment could get me to watch this Super Bowl. The question that remains though, is what am I going to do on Sunday night?

Let's see what's on the schedule for the other channels I normally watch.

Hmmm...it looks like the other major networks are showing news during the Super Bowl. Oh wait, NBC is showing "The Biggest Loser: Couples." That sounds like a good alternate name for Super Bowl XLII. ABC is also showing "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," A.K.A. The Show That's Half Commercials. They're following that with "America's Funniest Home Videos." No thanks.

Zoinks! The Cartoon Network is showing a Scooby Doo marathon. In all honesty, that might be the best option I've come across so far.

CMT is showing Fried Green Tomatoes. Sorry, I'm not into "chick flicks." After that they're rerunning episodes of "Gone Country" which I've already seen. Any show where the likes of Dee Snider, Sisqo and Marcia from "The Brady Bunch" attempt to become country singers is can't-miss entertainment. I don't know if I feel like watching them again though.

Versus is showing something other than hockey. Pass.

Hey, there's a Wizards-Lakers game on the local sports channel. The Lakers' resurgence this year has gotten me depressed though, so I don't know if I can stand to watch that game.

Scooby, you may have some competition for your spot at the top of the power rankings. TV Land is showing "The Beverly Hillbillies," "The Andy Griffith Show" and "M*A*S*H." I'm not a huge fan of any of those shows, but they're usually a nice way to pass the time.

TBS is showing some "Bridget Jones" movie. See my comment on Fried Green Tomatoes.

C-SPAN is showing "Road to the White House 2008." Hey, now there's an idea. I could get caught up on the current political race. I have a feeling though, that after it's all said and done I still won't like any of the candidates they're hyping.

How about my old hometown's local channel, WGN? Oh great. More "America's Funniest Home Videos," and then, if that weren't enough, it's followed by "Funniest Pets and People," which is essentially the same show. Hey, "American Idol Rewind" is on after that. The description says "Wildcard Show." Wow, there's a change. Whenever I checked out "AI Rewind" in the past it was always a compilation show of those oh-so-hilarious bad auditions. You know, the ones with poor deluded souls who think screeching at the top of their lungs is actual singing? Those are funny once or twice, but after a while you just want to hit the mute button. I might tune in if indeed they're showing an episode with real performances.

How about the movie channels? Oh look, the Beatles' movie Help! is on. I've seen it before though. There's Facing the Giants, a football movie. I've heard it's good, but I think I'm done with football (and any gridiron team nicknamed "the Giants") until September. Stop the presses! Howard the Duck is on! I'm sure Ed Hardiman would be proud if I watched that. The Flintstones is on too. Remember that masterpiece starring John Goodman and Rick Moranis? I actually saw that in theaters when it came out. I don't think I've seen it since then. I think that streak will continue. Then there's An American in Paris, which I've also seen before. While Gene Kelly is much more entertaining than Bill Belichick, I don't think I feel like watching that particular movie.

The NHL Network is mostly showing "NHL on the Fly," which, for anyone who doesn't know, is just a show that gives you updates on the day's NHL games. I'm not going to sit and watch the same highlights over and over. I'd rather watch one of their random lists like "The Top Ten Left-Handed European Defensemen of the 1993-94 Season."

NBA TV is showing "NBA Vault" and that same Lakers-Wizards game I'm avoiding. I suppose some retro basketball stuff could be interesting.

The Game Show Network is showing "Greed," "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" and "Lingo." Those shows are OK, but nothing I'd go out of my way to watch.

Finally, the Hallmark Channel is showing a "Murder, She Wrote" marathon. If they were showing one of their formulaic feelgood movies I might watch just so I could be cheered up from the dismal reality that two teams I hate are playing for the NFL's championship, but if Angela Lansbury is the best they can give me I think I'll pass.

The Super Bowl is the biggest event in American sports, and as such it leaves a big gap to fill. There are some decent options on TV, but most aren't so great. The more I think about it the more I'm leaning toward just reading a book.

Even though I'm still mostly in "baseball mode" I decided to turn on the NFL Network today. Something that caught my attention was a commercial that mentioned "NFL Opening Kickoff 2007." NBC will broadcast this musical event from Indianapolis on September 6 in honor of the first NFL game of the season. The featured performers will be John Mellencamp, Faith Hill and Kelly Clarkson. Now, I know that NFL football is the most popular sport in America. I know that the game appeals to people of all different types and backgrounds. Judging by the commercials you see during NFL-related broadcasts though, it's clear that the sport is marketed mainly toward young men with high levels of testosterone. Is the average NFL fan really interested in any of those three artists?

First you have John Mellencamp. Who wants to see John Mellencamp? Doesn't every NFL fan hate him by now after hearing that "this is our country" song on every...single...commercial break last season? Some of his older hits are OK, but I have no desire to hear that song ever again. I'd be inclined to turn off the TV just to eliminate the risk of hearing it.

Then you have the females. Faith Hill and Kelly Clarkson are both beautiful and talented. They're both big-time sellers and have Grammy Awards to their names. They're certainly safe choices that would please the sponsors. I have to wonder how many football fans would ever buy their music though. I certainly don't own anything either one has released. It's not that I have a problem with their music, it's that I just don't care enough to spend my money on it. I suppose there are some guys out there who might watch the show just to see these attractive ladies, but I personally think hearing great music and seeing a great performance is a more fulfilling experience than just watching a fairly good-looking woman.

With that in mind, here's a set of three artists who would make for a much more entertaining show.

Taylor Hicks. Hey, if you want "American Idol" winners why not go with the one winner who wasn't a run-of-the-mill pop star? Taylor was known for his crazy stage moves and enthusiasm for the music when he was on "Idol" and I've heard that his live performances since then don't disappoint either. They had him sing the National Anthem at the NBA Finals this year (though I'll admit it was slightly "pitchy"), so we already know he can perform in front of sports crowds. While he's been panned by the critics since his run on America's top-rated TV show, there's still a good segment of the population that likes him or would like him if they were ever exposed to his distinct performance skills and artistic vision. The silver-topped soul man loves to be on stage, and you can bet that he would make the most of this gig.

"Weird Al" Yankovic. Some people are hardcore fans while others are just familiar with his more popular parodies. Either way, most would agree that he's a funny and creative guy. His live performances are quite humorous as well, often involving costumes and skits. He probably wouldn't be able to do all that with a program like this, but his crazy personality and hilarious lyrics are entertainment in themselves. Come to think of it, his last album had a Taylor Hicks parody on it. Maybe Al and Taylor could perform "Do I Creep You Out" as a duet. Would that not be a musical moment you'd tell your children about?

 

 

Cheap Trick. Why doesn't America's greatest rock 'n roll band get more love? The original lineup is still together and still rocking. If their last album isn't proof that they've still "got it" nothing is. Don Imus had them on his show last year and look where he is now. OK, bad example, but still...these guys are pros who know how to put on a show. America wants Cheap Trick. They just don't know it yet. The NFL should book them for next year's show right now and avoid the rush (something any Raiders quarterback this year will have to do as well).

Some of you probably think I have no taste in music. It's OK, I'm used to hearing that. I know that most corporate sponsors would never approve of this lineup. I will say, however, that I would actually watch this show, as opposed to the one they've got now which I think I'll pass on. The comment section is an opportunity for you, the average NFL fan, to name three musical artists you'd want to see perform at NFL Opening Kickoff. Perhaps with our efforts we can bring the NFL one step closer to giving us what we really want.



P.S. There are still several spots available in socratesofswat's baseball writing contest. Give it a go if you're a fan.