There are many lists that we love to bandy about.  Best defensive players, most dominant players in clutch situations, players who could stand to have their heads shaved, etc.  But perhaps one of the most contentious and controversial lists is the greatest basketball team that could ever be assembled...  or "Dream Team."  This is a subject I take very seriously, I've thought long and hard about this, and I feel I have come up with a list that is comparable to anyone else's.

One must be able to throw all logic out the window in order to arrive at the final list, which I have gladly done for your benefit.  With that all said, here we go:

Point Guard - Joan of Arc

The position of PG tends to be one of leadership, of command on the floor; thus, Joan of Arc fits.  She managed to lead France to victory, under orders from God, over the English many, many years ago when all hope seemed lost.  Yeah... FRANCE...  Although she was eventually caught and burned at the stake, her determination and dedication makes you wonder how far she would go for this Dream Team.  Let's just hope God likes basketball...  However, lately her examples of leadership in France seem to have been forgotten.  Upon finding out that the NBA would be "invading" Europe this summer, France immediately called commisioner David Stern and surrendered...

Shooting Guard - Ron Jeremy

SG is generally a sniper, and dangerous threat from the outside, a force up close.  Someone who has to be able to make the clutch shots on command, and make them from any distance.  While he may not look the part of a SG, but we know from Ron Jeremy's prestigious acting career, he is capable of being that clutch performer.  His endurance is legendary, he can last a whole game if needed.  If Ron Jeremy can perform on the basketball court as well as he can perform on my computer screen... it's lights out!  We just have to hope his head will be in the game, and not somewhere else...  I just found out that Ron Jeremy is also Adam Morrison's fashion advisor...

Small Forward - Yoda

Similar to the SG, the SF should be the type of player who is capable of playing anywhere, and making a shot from anywhere.  Yoda fits this role both literally and figuratively.  While small in stature, no one will question his heart.  We saw his tremendous leaping ability when he fought Count Dooku on the planet Geonosis (nice place, I recommend visiting should you have vacation time).  The battle was accurately re-created in the documentary, "Star Wars: Episode II."  That surprising speed and agility from Yoda would be an asset, especially with the long rebounds after a missed jumper.  We know he'll be there to pull the ball down.  Yoda is also the type of player who can get into his opponents mind.  His shots will almost seem like they are floating into the basket, as if being controlled somehow...  Communication may be a problem... "In your face... this ball... SLAM... did I!"  Yoda must also remember to remove his brown cloak before going onto the court, or else he may just be confused with the ball...

Power Forward - King Leonidas

Someone who should have a strong mid-range to up-close game.  A position requiring tenacity, relentlessness, and exemplary physical prowess.  Who better than King Leonidas?  Although he won't have his 300 bodyguards with him on the floor, they'll be there in spirit, helping him be a man capable of standing on his own.  He won't be afraid to get rough with the opponents, he'll pull down extra rebounds with his aggression around the basket.  His chest-thumping and loud yells and roars will also make him a fan favourite, getting them into the game.  He will be a force to be reckoned with.  The coach just has to make sure he wears clothes on the court.  We'll also keep our fingers crossed that the excess olive oil on his body won't drip onto the court, thus creating a potential slipping hazard for his teammates...

Center - Stretch Armstrong

A dominating presence under and around the basket.  Fits Stretch to a tee.  He's big, he's solid, big strong arms and legs.  He'll always be able to have a hand in the opponents' face.  He'll be able to pull down the high rebounds.  Grab the ball before it comes out of bounds.  Contort his arms just enough to tip the ball out of the opponents' hands.  If he needs to put a hard foul on a player and wrap them up, there's no way he's letting the play become an "And 1."  Plus, he's always got that big smile on, which draws anyone in and makes him so likeable.  But, if "Robot Chicken" has taught us anything, the trainers must make sure that Stretch Armstrong has plenty of cornstarch in his diet so that his muscles don't seize up and he can no longer stretch out enough to make his dazzling plays...

6th Man - Master Chief

Obviously, a great team has a great support player, or role-player off the bench.  In this case, we have Master Chief, fresh from battling aliens in the Halo wars, he's ready to go.  He loves to get into the action and be a major game-changer for the good of his team.  He's a great leaper (can jump over twice his own height), an accurate shooter, and capable of working close to the basket.  The teams' secondary leader.  He can cover for all positions.  He just has to be reminded that he can't carry the basketball like the way he can with the skulls when playing Keep Away...

Now, in order to make sure this team can perform the way a Dream Team should, we must have a coach who is up to the task.  Someone who can motivate his players, someone who can push them to do all the things necessary to win, big or small.  A coach that the players will respect, and want to win for.  There is only one person for that job...  Isiah Thomas...