Mount Ephraim, NJ -- Insurance adjuster Brad Anderson broke out in a cold sweat while surfing the Internet on Monday afternoon. He felt a tingling in his neck. He feared he was having a heart attack.

"I read on Pro Football Talk that the Eagles were going to trade for a Takeo Spikes," he said. "A linebacker. An actual starting linebacker. Suddenly, I saw spots in front of my eyes." Alertly, he took a glycerine tablet and called 9-1-1. When he arrived at the hospital, he found that he was just one of hundreds of Eagles fans hospitalized by the team's recent spurt of off-season activity. The problem has become so widespread that the Center for Disease Control had dubbed it SAOSSD: Surprisingly Active Off-Season Stress Disorder.

"I've never seen anything like this," said Dr. James Albright of the newly opened Free Agency Trauma Center at Einstein Medical Center. "Over the last two weeks, we've treated dozens of patients for shock and heart palpitations. But when the Spikes trade hit, our ER looked like a M*A*S*H unit. There were guys in green shirts everywhere, just kind of flailing around and twitching."

The outbreak began when the Eagles signed receiver Kevin Curtis two weeks ago. SAOSSD cases escalated when the team signed Montae Reagor. But the Spikes deal created a flashover situation. "It was too much, too soon," Albright explained. "In Washington, they are inoculated against this kind of off-season. But March in Philadelphia is usually the time to debate the merits of Jabar Gaffney or hail the return of Shawn Barber. The affect on Philly fans is like shoveling 35 inches of snow after a winter without physical exertion. It's potentially dangerous."

Dr. Sylvester Harczynski agrees. Harczynski owns a degree in Philadelphia Fan Psychology from Temple University, a degree he earned by listening to local sports talk radio until he was declared clinically insane (17.5 minutes). "The Eagles lulled their fans into a false sense of security by letting Jeff Garcia, Rod Hood, and Donte Stallworth walk, then replacing them with Bethel Johnson. Fans were ready to go about their early spring business: complaining about the Phillies and vilifying Donovan McNabb. But the Curtis, Reagor, and Spikes deals created a whiplash effect."

The effect can be seen all over the Philadelphia area. "I can't handle this. I can't handle this," Upper Darby bartender Joe Klein said while hyperventilating into a paper bag. "I mean, they needed receivers and defenders, and they signed receivers and defenders. It just doesn't make sense." Klein was treated at Einstein and released later in the day. "I don't know what came over me. I mean, I handled the Terrell Owens-Jevon Kearse off-season well. I guess my resistance was lowered by one too many Matt Schobel signings."

Albright warns that if you are an Eagles fan who is feeling the onset of SAOSSD, you should take steps to ward off an all-out attack. First, lie down. Second, avoid the Philadelphia Daily News at all costs. Finally, download old press conferences in which Andy Reid says "I'm happy with Greg Lewis and Hank Baskett as my wide receivers," or "Dhani Jones is doing a fine job at linebacker." Most of all, says Allbright, "don't try to be a hero. Don't read mock drafts or search the Internet for other trade rumors. Remember that other teams sign free agents all the time, and that it is a natural part of football."

Anderson did his best to heed Albright's advice, but SAOSSD is a pernicious illness. "It's no big deal, really," Anderson said while in the recover room. "A decent wide receiver. Another small defensive tackle. A good-but-often injured linebacker. It's not like they filled their need for a power back behind Brian Westbrook. Now if they drafter Brian Leonard … wow … a Rutgers guy … big all-purpose runner … that would be … ugh … uggggh," Anderson was quickly rushed to the emergency room and treated with exposure to 50 minutes of Mike McMahon highlights.