DirecTV dumped TiVo. Should have seen this coming. Nothing that great lasts forever. Here is the cliff notes version for those who just don't care that much about this (with all my glorious analogies sprinkled in)....

TiVo was always in over it's head in it's relationship with DirecTV. TiVo has always been a nice little upstart company powered by its revolutionary technology, but for some reason the nerds chose NOT to outsource the business side of things. So despite their patented ground-breaking technology they have never quite been able to find their footing. Then DirecTV came in and saved the day... or did they? No, they basically just fattened them up for the kill; ####ked 'em in their ####; forced them to sell their soul to the devil or perish. And those of us who love high-def programming (and lots of it) AND the NFL Sunday Ticket are rendered helpless in our desire to help the hopeless underdog, who we've also grown to love. It's sad really.

How could they do that to TiVo? How could they do that to us? I loved my TiVo. We were a match made in heaven. I loved the Bloowp, BLOOWP, BLOOWP!!! That little TiVo guy with the antennae on his head. Toggling between the two tuners, pausing one going over to the other pausing that one and going back to the first... pure TV bliss! Finally being able to watch sports with the kind of cold-blooded efficiency needed in this hectic world we live in. A powerful and agile vessel to help us navigate the ever-growing and complex ocean that TV has become; what with all the knitting and cooking channels, ESPN 1, 2, Classic, News, U, alternate, deportes... it's enough to drive a man bonkers! Don't get me wrong, I love having virtually unlimited channel options, but in the absence of a powerful tool to take advantage of them all what's the point really? I have a well cultivated case of AADD that I am only able to manage with my equally well developed ability to multi-task. I grew up on Tecmo Bowl and Metroid and not since my thumbs were making sweet, sweet music with that Nintendo controller have I felt so at peace with a remote in my hand. TiVo serves as a wonderful reminder of how far we have evolved as a species. Not only am I in awe of this technological marvel that my fellow humans were able to create using all the power of their highly developed upper neocortexes, but TiVo also allows us to admire the anatomical beauty of our opposable thumbs in all their button pushing glory; these are the very things that separate us from the animal kingdom... our incredible intelligence and our extra digits. Let me see a #### switch between the Pats-Cowboys game on CBS AND the Playboy channel without missing a single Brady TD pass -OR- the money shot into Jenna's left eye... while also keeping tabs on Tomlinson tearing up the Raiders run defense! Not gonna happen. Thank you TiVo. (for the record, there are no money shots on the Playboy channel, at least not in my state... which really begs the question... is it truly worth $19 / month?)

Back to my story... I would love to tell DirecTV to take a hike but how can I? It's not possible. They have me by the gonads, and they know it. It's like a marriage.. with kids. ####, it's like John Kerry's marriage. If I left now I'd be ####ked. I can't leave now, I'm in too deep. I'd be like George Steinbrenner's ex son-in-law, who was in line to inherit the keys to the Yankee kingdom until he got caught cheating on Daddy's (not so) little girl. Keep it in your pants man, even if she has been on a Ginny Sack-like candy eating binge ever since you said I do. Not only is what DirecTV's doing unfair... I'm not even sure how it's legal. They have a virtual monopoly on NFL football, at least in terms of turning your den into a sports bar. And now they've launched a new satellite that gives them the most HD channels in the universe (by a wide margin). They knew exactly what they were doing too. They waited until the Rogain started working and all the time in the gym had finally reached its apex before they dumped TiVo for a 23 yr old blond with big #### who's also willing to cook, clean, and most importantly not complain a peep (a company called NDS). So DirecTV, much like TiVo, had a great product but, unlike TiVo, they also had a #### brilliant long-term business plan. Not only will they continue to get our money but now they're even able to dictate the terms in which we give it to them. In true drug dealer fashion they got us hooked on some really good stuff and then started raising prices and cutting corners, while killing off most of the competition in the process. They now own the neighborhood. Well, as long as you have a clear view of the Southern sky, don't live in an apartment building, love sports, and take your TV viewing as seriously as I do. I tend to exaggerate a little for dramatic effect. Sorry.

But it gets worse (as if anyone's still reading this). DirecTV created a relationship where TiVo was so dependent on them that they held a gun up to poor little TiVo's head and said, "this is the way it's gonna be, I can blow you away or you can ride with me... until I really don't need you anymore." A few years ago they got TiVo to agree not to ever sue them, or by extension NDS, for patent infingement on their technology in exchange for a 3-year stay of execution (they extended their contract for 3 years). So in other words they told TiVo that they can be killed now, or stay alive for another 3 years and then after that be left for dead on the side of the road out in the desert... where, technically, they may survive. What could TiVo do? They chose life.

So now I'm stuck having to learn how to use this new NDS manufactured DirecTV HD DVR satellite receiver simply because I got pied pipered into it. They tempted me with the prospect of 100 HD channels by the end of the year. "What's that you say? Showtime in High Def, Cinemax too? A TBS HD channel to watch the baseball playoffs on? All the local HD channels I was never able to get before too? Holy Shitballs Batman! And you'll give this all to me for free? Where do I sign?" How could I have been expected to stop and ask a few qualifying questions while in the drunkedness of that euphoria? I know better than to think anything is really free. I know there's always a catch. I'm even fairly adept at recognizing what's really going on at times like this. But not this time. I don't read the technology or the business section of the newspaper. Hell, I don't even read the paper. I did know that DirecTV now used two different kinds of receivers, the TiVo's and these other ones they called DirecTV PLUS receivers. I already had one in the bedroom, but always assumed it was just a cheaper option to complement the clearly superior (and justifiably more expensive) TiVo receivers. They were even brazen enough to ask me which kind of receiver I would like when I agreed to the deal, the TiVo or the PLUS. I requested the TiVo, of course. And then the installer shows up with this piece of #### receiver and tells me DirecTV doesn't use the TiVo's anymore when I asked him about it. WHAT? So, anyway, there's nothing I can do about it, unless I want to irreparably break up my home, give up my inheritance, lose my kids..... and go back to the dark ages of NFL football on TV. Can't do it, obviously. I'm now DirecTV's ####. Meanwhile TiVo just introduced their Series 3 DVR's, choc full of new features that sound nothing short of spectacular, but it means nothing to me (and a few million other D-TV subscribers) because the receivers are not compatible with DirecTV's satellite programming. Blow me!

TiVo already has a new boyfriend in Comcast Cable, but it just doesn't have the same feel (no more multiple O's, no more fancy restaurants, no more Fendi or Dolce or Tiffany's... no more rubbing elbows with all the beautiful people at all the hottest parties). But he's a really nice guy and he tries hard. I even think that with TiVo's support he'll finally be able to make a name for himself. But even if that happens DirecTV will always one up them simply by proceeding with the next wave of their blitzkreig-style business model. If I had to guess I'd say the launch of Playboy HD would lock us all in for another decade or so! I've been dreaming of that ever since HDTV was invented. That, and porn in iMax theatres. The way this country is heading it should only be a matter of time until both are available. What a great time to be alive. I can't even imagine what people did before the advent of time-shifting television programming. Having to run to the bathroom during commercials, peeing all over the seat in your rush to get back to the TV, stumbling down the hallway trying to pull your pants up as drops of urine trickle down your leg on their way down to your very absorbent sock. Oh the horror.

Like I said... these are great times we live in, but only when we're given the necessary tools to take advantage of it all. Technology often has a way of out-distancing our ability to use it, at least until all the potential profiteers of the technology agree on the most equitable (for them) method of sucking us dry. Then, with the kind of alacrity not often seen from corporate America, they show us all the tremendous things this new technology can do, teach us all how to use it, and then shove it down our throats while we waste away in credit card debt hell.

Well, maybe that's just me.

Did I say something about this being the Cliff Notes version of the story? My bad. I meant the overly verbose and mildly gross, reverse Cliff notes version.

Just to close the loop on that ridiculous Monday Night football game...

The fix was in. I don't think there is any question. 5 INTs are difficult to throw when you're trying to throw them. The entire first half I felt like I was watching a scene out of Basketball Diaries with Leo DiCaprio. Holy ####! So either Romo was on the take last night or Jim Kelly took him out to Turning Stone Casino the night before and had him doing lines off a hooker's #### till 8am. Wait, Jim Kelly is a man of God and would never partake in such activities you say? Well, whatever then, maybe it was Tasker, Thurman, Beebe, Bruce Smith, or Scott Norwood. That's it... Scott Norwood. They pulled him out of a bar, dusted him off, gave him a few cups of joe, and told him they came up with a way for him to redeem himself. Then they Gave him a suite at the casino, Romo's cell number and.... nah, forget this theory.... the game was just fixed. Always follow the money.

I'll even go out on a limb here (if we can even consider this a limb anymore... more like a very hearty branch firmly attached to the trunk of the tree that is sports) and say that The Donaghy Boys have struck again. Not so sure we didn't witness their 9/11 with this one last night (pardon the insensitive comparison). Why do so many of us still find it SO hard to believe that professional sporting events in this country are oftentimes fixed? Corruption has pervaded almost every aspect of the sporting world, from chemical enhancement to illegal gambling to... #### dog fighting rings and attacks on referees at children's soccer games! Are you serious? Marion Jones just gave back 5 gold medals that she essentially stole from all those 2nd place finishers whose names we'll never know. How unceremonious must it be to retroactively win an Olympic Gold Medal via a certified letter that may or may not reach you at your shack in the leper colony you were banished to by your third world country's government after you failed to win the 500 meter like you were supposed to back in the Sydney Summer Games. A lot of good that medal's gonna do her now.

Yet even in the face of all these scandals we still blindly accept the childish notion that we're watching (and betting on) arbitrary sporting events where two teams, and all the members of those teams, are competing with all their heart and soul and sweat in their noble attempts to beat their opponents. We dish out our gambling dollars like we're investing in the stock market (which is also regularly manipulated by the Greenspan Goons but don't get me started on that right now). I know we don't all gamble but, unfortunately, an ever-growing number of us do. Enough of us in fact that it the gambling industry has finally matured into a multi-billion dollar enterprise where anticipated profit, in the mind of a forward thinking criminal, can easily justify a bribe large enough that it potentially could get the attention of a strategically chosen pro athlete... whether it's because they have something on him or because he's unfairly burdened with the task of feeding himself and his family on a paltry $1.8 million, or maybe he feels slighted by the virtual anonymity of not playing one of the glorious, high-profile, skill positions... (for instance, a left tackle could singlehandedly change the outcome o####ame... anybody see the Eagle-Giant game a couple weeks ago?) or simply because he's one of the extra-greedy ####kers. What would you say about making your annual salary of $1.8 mill in one day? And if the criminals were able to gross 2.5 million would that be something you'd be interested in? I would. Sounds like using money to make more money. What's more American than that? All you have to do is..... Wait, Tony Romo hasn't signed his BIG NFL contract yet. He's growing increasingly impatient in his desire to finally be one of the uber-elites. He's only making how much this season? Wow, you heard Jessica Simpson told her friends his #### was only 4 inches and now he can't get a date with anyone worth being seen with? Holy ####! (I would have said 5" but that's not that small... it's not, for real. It's slightly above the average in fact... I don't care what anybody says).

Speaking of which... remember when Postmaster General Wilford Brimley had to come up from D.C. to have a little chat with Cosmo Kramer after he cancelled his mail because he figured out it was no longer necessary in this day and age? Newman with the bucket over his head... #### classic!

I actually believe the Donaghy thing was just the tip of the iceberg, conveniently fed to us as an ultra-isolated incident orchestrated by a rogue NBA official. No big deal at all. These things happen. Yeah right! FOLLOW THE MONEY. The "Donaghy" consortium had to temporarily close up their NBA office and focus all their resources on their burgeoning NFL operation in the meantime. After all, the NFL landscape has become so complex and massive that it's easier than ever to blend into the periphery and "fly under the radar."

So, yeah, I know, this is all really far-fetched. I'm crazy. I'm off my rocker! I'm Mel Gibson in that movie Conspiracy Theory. Well, let's just say that if you don't see anymore blogs from me after this one you'll know I was on to something.

So here's the way this went down last night. The criminal element in and around the pro leagues has always been there. If anything their presence has actually grown stronger over the years.... inversely proportional to the decreasing morality in this country as a whole (I know that made no sense but you get my point). So they bought Romo last night for probably somewhere between 1 and 2 mill. His directives were to throw the first half of the game; just make sure Buffalo is winning at the end of the first quarter and at the end of the half. He was also told "You can do what you want in the 2nd half so long as, under no circumstances, you win the game by more than 11 points. So if you can win the game by less than 11 go right ahead, but be careful. Be very very careful. Don't leave any room for some flukey backdoor cover or we'll be imminently shoving something into your back door. Ga-beesh?" I have no idea how to spell Gabeesh but I know it means "you hear what I'm #### telling you" in Ginzo-speak. I mean Italian.

You say you want a more realistic explanation for that game? One that could still be considered a conspiracy theory. Here's your decaf conspiracy coffee. You're an NFL Franchise down on your luck. You feel forgotten by the league. You keep paying all this money into the league's CBA but it seems like you never get any ROI. You complain. You keep complaining. You complain so much to the league office that Goodell finally says fine, what would you suggest we do for you? Well, for starters we want a high profile nationally televised game. We want MNF! "Ugh," says Goodell, but under the incessant pestering he reluctantly gives in. October 8 at home versus America's team. Ya happy now? Actually no, were not. We need to win the game too. Now wait just one minute there guys. The NFL is not in the business of...... umm excuse me Mr. Goodell, we may from Buffalo but we've been around a while and we know full well you have the ability to do a few things. C'mon, the tuck rule. Are you kidding me? All we want is a little home cooking and a few very minor concessions just to allow us the opportunity to win a big game and re-inject a little juice into a small but passionate NFL city that promises to start spending some money again if only we can convince them they have a worthy team to root for again. I know we don't have the population of most of the other markets, or even the per capita average, but we do have loyal fans who are willing to part with a much greater portion of their disposable (and indisposable) income for tickets, paraphrenalia, those giant inflatable football guys you put on your lawn, and whatever else you all make money on. All we need from you is a little help to re-awaken their Buffalo Bill pride. Believe me, these people have nothing better to do. Plus, we have to get to them before the ice-fishing season renders us irrelevant. You make more money, we make more money, everybody wins. Go ask Paul if you want. We generated some of the highest revenue dollars in the league back in our Super Bowl years, and we can do it again. You'll see. So the pressure the Buffalo people put on the league office to turn this into "Buffalo Night" in the NFL played a huge part in the Bills almost stealing that game last night... but alas, it wasn't quite enough and it all kind of backfired in their face. BFD was putting out structure fires well into the night apparently.

Why the #### is Tony Romo being interviewed right now? They won in spite of him for Christ's sake! And is he 15 yrs old? He has the mentality of a teenager, which only lends more validity to my theory if you ask me. Go interview Folk Hero!

By the way, these coach's calling all these timeouts right before the ball is snapped has gotten completely out of hand... the rules committee will FIX this problem in the off-season. We can't keep watching 2 kicks every time only one is called for. I actually think it benefits the kicker. It's a #### practice kick. Folk's 2nd kick looked like an exact replay of the first. For a second I actually thought it was.

Paul Byrd pulled a mini-Kenny Rogers in the Bronx. Take a seat next to the Mets and the Phils there Skankies.

If you bet the 'Boys how bad did you want them to miss that FG? That's the worst possible thing that could happen to a gambler. Salt in the wounds type stuff. The team lolligags it through 3 quarters, completely craps the bed in terms of the spread, and in the end they get the undeserving Win anyway, as you sit there contemplating how you're gonna make rent this month. But as long as you didn't bet the house... somehow near the end of the game you often find that you've forgotten all about the money you just lost and you instantly revert back to the fact that you're really just a sports fan at heart... witnessing one of the more ridiculous games in recent memory. And you take joy in that fact. Sitting on the edge of your couch now with pure unbridled sports enthusiasm and anticipation of the unprecedented comeback you're about to witness even though it's one am and you have work in the morning! You get swept up in all the hoopla and almost start rooting for Dallas to hit the FG as the Buffalo fans stare in disbelief.

NO #### THAT!!! I don't care if you lost $50 you're still really pissed off. You want blood! Watching the team that just canned you in the #### win the game they had no business winning and celebrating all over the TV screen makes you #### furious! #### Romo. #### that Folk ####ker. #### Jerry Jones and most of all... #### gambling for completely killing your pure love of sports. Oh yeah, #### steroids and self-aggrandizing TD celebrations for being accomplices to that murder!

I'm gonna go watch a Little League game now just to re-connect to the pure joy of sports. Wait, birth certificates are being doctored you say? Oh, right, the Danny Almonte scandal.

I guess the expalanation lies in the fact that when we truly love something we oftentimes see what we want to see. Just look to the relationship world. Who among us hasn't believed something we almost knew wasn't true about someone we were with simply because we were letting our heart lead the way.

I actually have a theory about what role the heart should play in our decision-making process... (shocking right) and while our hearts certainly do warrant many many votes in the debate (it's basically the equivalent of California) it CANNOT be given the keys to the car... strong voice but can't see #### As we all know, Love is blind. So on the road trip of life just let Love ride shotgun, maybe let him control the radio... but hide the Chicago's Greatest Hits CD otherwise you may decide to make a sharp right into a lake as You're the Inspiration comes on for 15th time. So who is driving the car in this scenario you ask? Well, duh! We all know the answer to that one? Unless you're a woman or an Oriental... in which case you really shouldn't be driving anyway so I cannot include you in this analogy. Sorry.