DirecTV dumped TiVo. Should have seen this coming. Nothing that great lasts forever. Here is the cliff notes version for those who just don't care that much about this (with all my glorious analogies sprinkled in)....

TiVo was always in over it's head in it's relationship with DirecTV. TiVo has always been a nice little upstart company powered by its revolutionary technology, but for some reason the nerds chose NOT to outsource the business side of things. So despite their patented ground-breaking technology they have never quite been able to find their footing. Then DirecTV came in and saved the day... or did they? No, they basically just fattened them up for the kill; ####ked 'em in their ####; forced them to sell their soul to the devil or perish. And those of us who love high-def programming (and lots of it) AND the NFL Sunday Ticket are rendered helpless in our desire to help the hopeless underdog, who we've also grown to love. It's sad really.

How could they do that to TiVo? How could they do that to us? I loved my TiVo. We were a match made in heaven. I loved the Bloowp, BLOOWP, BLOOWP!!! That little TiVo guy with the antennae on his head. Toggling between the two tuners, pausing one going over to the other pausing that one and going back to the first... pure TV bliss! Finally being able to watch sports with the kind of cold-blooded efficiency needed in this hectic world we live in. A powerful and agile vessel to help us navigate the ever-growing and complex ocean that TV has become; what with all the knitting and cooking channels, ESPN 1, 2, Classic, News, U, alternate, deportes... it's enough to drive a man bonkers! Don't get me wrong, I love having virtually unlimited channel options, but in the absence of a powerful tool to take advantage of them all what's the point really? I have a well cultivated case of AADD that I am only able to manage with my equally well developed ability to multi-task. I grew up on Tecmo Bowl and Metroid and not since my thumbs were making sweet, sweet music with that Nintendo controller have I felt so at peace with a remote in my hand. TiVo serves as a wonderful reminder of how far we have evolved as a species. Not only am I in awe of this technological marvel that my fellow humans were able to create using all the power of their highly developed upper neocortexes, but TiVo also allows us to admire the anatomical beauty of our opposable thumbs in all their button pushing glory; these are the very things that separate us from the animal kingdom... our incredible intelligence and our extra digits. Let me see a #### switch between the Pats-Cowboys game on CBS AND the Playboy channel without missing a single Brady TD pass -OR- the money shot into Jenna's left eye... while also keeping tabs on Tomlinson tearing up the Raiders run defense! Not gonna happen. Thank you TiVo. (for the record, there are no money shots on the Playboy channel, at least not in my state... which really begs the question... is it truly worth $19 / month?)

Back to my story... I would love to tell DirecTV to take a hike but how can I? It's not possible. They have me by the gonads, and they know it. It's like a marriage.. with kids. ####, it's like John Kerry's marriage. If I left now I'd be ####ked. I can't leave now, I'm in too deep. I'd be like George Steinbrenner's ex son-in-law, who was in line to inherit the keys to the Yankee kingdom until he got caught cheating on Daddy's (not so) little girl. Keep it in your pants man, even if she has been on a Ginny Sack-like candy eating binge ever since you said I do. Not only is what DirecTV's doing unfair... I'm not even sure how it's legal. They have a virtual monopoly on NFL football, at least in terms of turning your den into a sports bar. And now they've launched a new satellite that gives them the most HD channels in the universe (by a wide margin). They knew exactly what they were doing too. They waited until the Rogain started working and all the time in the gym had finally reached its apex before they dumped TiVo for a 23 yr old blond with big #### who's also willing to cook, clean, and most importantly not complain a peep (a company called NDS). So DirecTV, much like TiVo, had a great product but, unlike TiVo, they also had a #### brilliant long-term business plan. Not only will they continue to get our money but now they're even able to dictate the terms in which we give it to them. In true drug dealer fashion they got us hooked on some really good stuff and then started raising prices and cutting corners, while killing off most of the competition in the process. They now own the neighborhood. Well, as long as you have a clear view of the Southern sky, don't live in an apartment building, love sports, and take your TV viewing as seriously as I do. I tend to exaggerate a little for dramatic effect. Sorry.

But it gets worse (as if anyone's still reading this). DirecTV created a relationship where TiVo was so dependent on them that they held a gun up to poor little TiVo's head and said, "this is the way it's gonna be, I can blow you away or you can ride with me... until I really don't need you anymore." A few years ago they got TiVo to agree not to ever sue them, or by extension NDS, for patent infingement on their technology in exchange for a 3-year stay of execution (they extended their contract for 3 years). So in other words they told TiVo that they can be killed now, or stay alive for another 3 years and then after that be left for dead on the side of the road out in the desert... where, technically, they may survive. What could TiVo do? They chose life.

So now I'm stuck having to learn how to use this new NDS manufactured DirecTV HD DVR satellite receiver simply because I got pied pipered into it. They tempted me with the prospect of 100 HD channels by the end of the year. "What's that you say? Showtime in High Def, Cinemax too? A TBS HD channel to watch the baseball playoffs on? All the local HD channels I was never able to get before too? Holy Shitballs Batman! And you'll give this all to me for free? Where do I sign?" How could I have been expected to stop and ask a few qualifying questions while in the drunkedness of that euphoria? I know better than to think anything is really free. I know there's always a catch. I'm even fairly adept at recognizing what's really going on at times like this. But not this time. I don't read the technology or the business section of the newspaper. Hell, I don't even read the paper. I did know that DirecTV now used two different kinds of receivers, the TiVo's and these other ones they called DirecTV PLUS receivers. I already had one in the bedroom, but always assumed it was just a cheaper option to complement the clearly superior (and justifiably more expensive) TiVo receivers. They were even brazen enough to ask me which kind of receiver I would like when I agreed to the deal, the TiVo or the PLUS. I requested the TiVo, of course. And then the installer shows up with this piece of #### receiver and tells me DirecTV doesn't use the TiVo's anymore when I asked him about it. WHAT? So, anyway, there's nothing I can do about it, unless I want to irreparably break up my home, give up my inheritance, lose my kids..... and go back to the dark ages of NFL football on TV. Can't do it, obviously. I'm now DirecTV's ####. Meanwhile TiVo just introduced their Series 3 DVR's, choc full of new features that sound nothing short of spectacular, but it means nothing to me (and a few million other D-TV subscribers) because the receivers are not compatible with DirecTV's satellite programming. Blow me!

TiVo already has a new boyfriend in Comcast Cable, but it just doesn't have the same feel (no more multiple O's, no more fancy restaurants, no more Fendi or Dolce or Tiffany's... no more rubbing elbows with all the beautiful people at all the hottest parties). But he's a really nice guy and he tries hard. I even think that with TiVo's support he'll finally be able to make a name for himself. But even if that happens DirecTV will always one up them simply by proceeding with the next wave of their blitzkreig-style business model. If I had to guess I'd say the launch of Playboy HD would lock us all in for another decade or so! I've been dreaming of that ever since HDTV was invented. That, and porn in iMax theatres. The way this country is heading it should only be a matter of time until both are available. What a great time to be alive. I can't even imagine what people did before the advent of time-shifting television programming. Having to run to the bathroom during commercials, peeing all over the seat in your rush to get back to the TV, stumbling down the hallway trying to pull your pants up as drops of urine trickle down your leg on their way down to your very absorbent sock. Oh the horror.

Like I said... these are great times we live in, but only when we're given the necessary tools to take advantage of it all. Technology often has a way of out-distancing our ability to use it, at least until all the potential profiteers of the technology agree on the most equitable (for them) method of sucking us dry. Then, with the kind of alacrity not often seen from corporate America, they show us all the tremendous things this new technology can do, teach us all how to use it, and then shove it down our throats while we waste away in credit card debt hell.

Well, maybe that's just me.

Did I say something about this being the Cliff Notes version of the story? My bad. I meant the overly verbose and mildly gross, reverse Cliff notes version.

THE FOLLOWING IS A LONG-WINDED COMMENT GONE MAD IN RESPONSE TO A GREAT ARTICLE CALLED ANGELS ON THE SUBWAY (in the New York Mets category) by CarolynT. It ended up a bit longer than I expected so it became part of my blog.....

Carolyn-

If only my significant other (not a dude) was a great sports fan like you are maybe she would empathize with me just a little when I tell her why I can't go out for a few drinks with her "friends." Those times when I explain to her how...

"I've watched and followed this team the entire season and you want me to miss Game 5 of the series when they're down 3-1? Are you nuts? Are you even serious? You want me to abandon them now? THIS IS WHEN THEY NEED ME MOST! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

And then finally she reluctantly says...

"Fine, I'll just go by myself."

And then my focus turns to the idea of her, out and about with some other couple (who happen to both be HER friends from college, NOT mine) at some restaurant/bar (where I know a lot of the Wall Street types go to unwind from their long day of making more money than me before they leave the city for the night) wearing that little dress of hers I love so much, the one that highlights her perfect little.... And before she gets her jacket on I find myself asking...

"Do you think they'll have the game on there?"

And then, smelling blood in the water; which for a woman in a relationship simply represents getting her way and/or completely breaking our spirit (for men it usually just means I think she's gonna let me have sex with her now!) she excitedly answers...

"Of course they'll have the game on there. I always see baseball games on the TVs there, and they're all like 50-inch plasmas. I think there's 8 of them!"

Of course I know she's full of uneducated sports #### but she can't be completely lying. Either way, I gargle some Scope, throw some water on my face, and reach for my nicest "I'm not broke" shirt to put on and head out the door. As we climb into the car I can't help but tell her...

"Basketball honey, it's a basketball game I need to watch. Not baseball."

She smoothly responds...

"Oh, right. I just thought you said the Mets, not the Nets, you stuttering ####."

Somewhat shocked by this rare display of confidence and moxie from such a sweet little package I actually think to myself...

"Wow! She really does know a little bit about sports, AND she doesn't put up with my #### This one might be a keeper."

But that thought doesn't last too long because I then remember how I did say that it was Game 5 of a (Playoff) Series and, it being May and all, that should have been more than enough for her to rule out the possibility that I said the Mets and not the Nets, so I turn to her and say...

"You manipulative, lying piece of..... Ya know what, just take me back to the apartment!" (I make her drive whenever possible. My laziness truly has no bounds).

But knowing full well that we are now much closer to the restaurant, and more importantly a television, than we are to my apartment she says...

"The 2nd period's probably about to start right now. Do you REALLY want to turn around and go all the way back home?"  

As much as I hate to ever admit this, she has a solid point (calling the 2nd half the 2nd period not withstanding) and I realize now I've pretty much been played like a fiddle.

And this is just one of the many ways my girlfriend tricks me out of the cave and into a social setting, all so she can make believe I really am the boyfriend she wants me to be (and probably more importantly to her, the loving boyfriend she keeps telling her friends I am!)

AND where, quite torturously, my only link to the world of sports usually ends up being my trusty cell phone (which will inevitably get between 50 and 75 percent more of my attention throughout the course of the night than my girlfriend will). 

But sometimes I get lucky and find a nearby television where I can at the very least catch the final few minutes of the game du jour while bonding with all the other poor schleps whose girlfriends and wives will inevitably cheat on them (no doubt with some BMW-driving Metrosexual who couldn't tell you who the Yankee's closer is!) long before the Mets ever win another World Series!

Life truly is a series of difficult (or easy depending on your perspective) decisions that pave the way to a future we (usually) deserve. If your priorities are "out of whack" your life will surely follow suit...

So, clearly, the moral to this story is...

Do yourself a favor and get rid of the girlfriend now! Trust me. She'll suck you dry (in a bad way). All you really need is a subscription to The Playboy Channel (DirecTV Channel 591, easiest $17 you'll spend each month) and the MLB Extra Innings Package (I'm assuming you already have The Sunday Ticket on automatic renewal).

Oh yeah, and you'll have to get a dog.

 

By the way...

I shouldn't have to tell you this but, just to make sure I covered all bases.... Don't even think about having sex with the dog. It'll just ruin the relationship. Everything's so awkward after that.