Shaq finally did to rap what he did to movies. The latest shocking revelations include:
Shaq has recorded 7 albums worth of rap.
This nauseating tidbit is the WMD of rap. Forget nukes in Iran let's find out where the master tapes are and end this very real threat of ear rape that hangs over our nation.
First and foremost any analysis of this line begins and ends with the mental image of Shaq spreading the ham and Kobe going in tongue first. While there is a certain justice in Shaq metaphorically impaling himself on the once and future NBA king of room service employee abuse. There remains the lifelong collateral damage of us being forced to imagine it. Even radiation poisoning eventually kills you. No such luck here. What's baffling is Shaq included himself in this repugnant scenario. Why not shove Kobe's head in somebody else's Charmin Zone?
"Last week Kobe couldn't do without me."
Well not if you're going to make him taste test you Shaq. What kind of season did Shaq have that leaves him in any way, shape or form triumphant in a comparison of 2008 playoff performance? Shaq is playing like the ghost of Derrick Coleman, a shuffling, creaky echo of his former self.
"I got a vasectomy now I can't breed 'em"
I don't necessarily mourn Shaq's surgical loss of fertility mainly because that's a gene pool so shallow it wouldn't get the soles of your shoes wet but Shaq's groin-o-centric rapping takes too much information to a whole new level of suck. Maybe he went with the snip job because colon polyp is too hard to rhyme.
Patrick Ewing
To top it all off he takes a swipe at Patrick Ewing's lack of a championship ring no doubt a result of a wacky random firing of synapses in his brain. Way to kick a guy in the sack for no good reason.
Stephen A. Smith
Shaq lumbered into damage control releasing a statement to ESPN's Stephen A. Smith. Smith's been shot so deep into ESPN's Phantom Zone it's a wonder Shaq found him. Shaq took a Freudian Slip joyride on his hastily crayoned statement. Telling Smith and critics not to:
"...make something out of nothing."
Shaq is his harshest critic here, but careful analysis of the video shows his rapping doesn't even meet the low standard of nothing.
"I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all."
Yeah but Kobe might not be cool. I don't know about you but the rap doesn't seem very complimentary unless of course orbisculating that particular orifice appeals to you. Shaq went on to say he is:
"...the difference between first and last place"
Once again Shaq cold #### himself. Simple math, if you have Kobe on your team you're likely to finish in first place. If you have Shaq, say hello to my little friend, --last place.
I remember a time when all you had to do was say Kazaam to make a whole room full of NBA fans alternately snicker and vomit. Shaq was a great player, but acting wasn't his cup of tea, as it turns out rapping isn't his ocean of tea either.
Sports Hell isn't a single place, it's actually many but each one casts unsuspecting, undeserving fans into a bubbling, sulfurous cauldron of mediocrity, anguish and slow roasted agony. The fuel of Sports Hell is bad trades, bad decisions, reckless athletes, stingy owners, and everything else squeezed tight until it explodes in a blinding flash. Welcome to the 8th circle of... Look if you dare... Phoenix Fans will never forget the day when they rolled out of bed and stepped straight into fire and brimstone brought to them by the aptly named Suns. Sports Hell many times starts with a single sentence like "Shaq passes physical"...that really spells unendurable agony for Phoenix. Shaq'ling the speedy Suns makes as much sense as sawing Steve Nash's legs off and trading them to Chicago for Ben Wallace. Congrats Steve Kerr for finally matching somebody up with that other aging leviathan Chris Webber. Sports Hell is everywhere. Boston The Patriots brought a little bit of the Sun's luck back with them, arriving undefeated and leaving the Biggest Loser since Tank Johnson. The Patriots and their fans got greased by Satan himself, Roger Goodell who purposely hung them out to dry by not responding to Senator Arlen Specter until January 31st, which smelled worse than fish left in a desk drawer. The Patriots didn't deserve getting tea bagged two days before the Super Bowl. Ah Sports Hell it's a dry heat. New York Oh those poor Mets fans no sooner do the Mets sign Johann Santana and Pedro Martinez goes and Vick's a chicken. HA HA HA, Sports Hell has a sense of humor! Martinez and HOF'er Juan Marichal shared a laugh before releasing the roosters and flushing Martinez's career down the toilet. The two were honorary "soltadores," for Mets fans that means the #### starter who chucks the chicken into the cockfighting ring to meet a brutal fate. Congrats are in order for Juan Marichal, for being a winner in all he does, his #### killed the catcrap out of Martinez's. In Sports Hell cockfighting we have a rule, never bet on a chicken named Rotisserie. Washington Oh yes my friends the coaching vacancy of the Washington Redskins is the 9th circle of Sports Hell. Each day the fans are spitted and rotated slowly as possible while every conceivable candidate including Ashlee Simpson endures a marathon 12 hour Dan Snyder interview bracketed by 90 minutes of football phone sex. The latest victim is the New York Giants Steve Spagnuolo. The long suffering Redskin faithful wonder if the problem is Snyder's man-crush Tom Cruise checking the candidates for Thetans. The only good thing Sports Hell can say about Snyder is he fired the anti-Christ of NFL head coaches, Norv Turner. Washington Post writer Sally Jenkins said it best, "Daniel Snyder isn't really looking for a head coach, he just wants to hire another butler." Sports Hell is dry roasted like a peanut.
The second game Phoenix won this year by less than three points couldn't come at a better time. Dead in the water, Suns NBA MVP guard Steve Nash drains a huge three, Mavs big dog and hot hand for the game Devin "30 Pts" Harris answers with momentum killing offensive foul. Suns Boris "34 ponts" Diaw upholstered, Nash and Marion run B-Ball clinic pick and roll, Marion stuffs gives Suns one point lead. Jerry Stackhouse gacks reply. Diaws misses for Suns. Harris drops critical deuce gives Mavs one point lead 4.8 seconds left. Suns take timeout. Thomas inbounds. Diaw on mismatch overwhelms Stack! Mr. Big Stuff 5/10th's of a second left jam!. Suns up one. Mavs take timeout throw inbound pass away. Game over. Fraction of a second slap and tickle with Thomas he makes both. Suns up Mavs Down 121-118. NBA Tattler Play of the Game: 1st Quarter...Nash all world, gym rat you love to hate, top of the key inside feed to Thomas for a deuce, jaw-dropping. Repeat, jaw dropping.
Welcome to the highest scoring series in the playoffs where defense is a theory and shooting a fact. If you let your opponents shoot 61% make sure you don't holla back at 41%. The roof caved in on the Suns tonight in game 6 as the Clippers stomped them like Napa Valley grapes. In a series featuring alternating wins and both teams dropping over a century per game there can only be the quick and the dead. In this case the Suns drew aces and eights. "Got to love it baby..." 1st quarter neck and neck, Suns lead 34-31 after Barbosa outscored the Clippers 13-2 by his lonesome. Clippers answer with 11-2 dash and never look back. 3rd quarter, Suns fall 16 behind, Barbosa and Marion drain a bucketful of treys, Suns climb within seven, for Suns fans who like to leave early to avoid traffic jams, get up, and head for the exits. "There's no fear..." Suns give up the ghost, beginning of the 4th, they were an all you can eat buffet. The Clippers? The proverbial fat man with baggie-lined pockets. Suns stumble 18 back on a Clipper 17-7 spurt, game never gets close again. Best effort falters 11 points back and runs out steam like your 90 year old Aunt trying to run a hundred yard dash in the middle of Death Valley while dragging a refrigerator. Consolation prize? Steve Nash ended his 0-14 drought from 3pt. arc. For the Cippers, Elton Brand posted 30 points, 12 boards, Sam Cassell 16 netted, 8 dished, Corey Maggette, off the bench, 25 points, Quinton Ross, or Q-Ro, a career high 18, Napoleon Dynamite: Chris "We Told You So In A Previous Post" Kaman 15 buckets, crashed 10 boards. The only defensive statistic our sensitive seismographic instruments detected? The Clippers owned the boards. Grabbed 26 in the first half and 22 in the second while the Suns managed 17 and 11 respectively, ouch. For the Suns, Shawn Marion 34 points, 9 boards, Leandro Barbosa, 25 points, Steve "No Really I Swear to God I'm the MVP" Nash, 17 points, 11 dished, Boris Diaw, 14 buckets, 9 crashed, 7 dishes, Raja Bell, averaging 22, plumetted to 13 points on a dreadful 2 for 9 night to dismember. "My team is so excited" The odds favor the Suns who get some much needed rest after 12 games in 22 days. The home team wins 72% of the time in the playoffs, you might think the Suns have it in the bag. NBA Tattler Says: Napoleon Dynamite cannot be stopped. Clippers in overtime. You can bet the ranch and dog on it. All quotes courtesy of Sam Cassell post-game interview.
Game 5 Mav's-Spurs turns rugby scrum. Loose ball brawl. Phantom punch sends Jason Terry to Game 6 penalty box. Stackhouse gets nod. Cuban's blog whines to likely NBA fine. Terry, 2nd leading Mav playoff scorer, will be missed. Keith Van Horn, broken paw, gutless or invisible, you decide. Tim Duncan, All-Godzilla in the series, bricked 12-footer for the W denies he ever used steroids to hit more homeruns. Manu lit the fuse.
Suns up. Clips down. Raja drops the rock. Cassell not crying over spilt milk. BrandCassell-ina continues fifty rocks per game playoff tear . Nash can't buy a three. Marion sprains stitches grabs 20, nets 36. Kaman bites head off Suns chicken, clucks double-double. Tim Thomas needs a timeout and buy Raja Bell lunch for getting him off the hook, tick-tock. NBA Tattler says: Thomas one more example of Billy King's punch-drunk poor decisions as 76ers GM.
Cavs rewrite script. If you peeped the Wiz you know Detroit is LeBron and done. There's a stone in my shoe, the sun is in my eyes Dept: Rasheed Wallace guaranteed to keep mouth shut like his offense for past 2 games. Rip-Llups 32 is not stepping up. NBA Tattler says buh-bye Pistons, why? Zydrunas Ilgauskas you can't beat what you can't spell.
Heat on seat waiting for date to the prom. Riley's hair glad to be back in the hunt. Shaq-cules mortal but ready. Mourning & Wade recharge batteries, de-nag injuries. NBA Tattler says: Pistons or LeBron blows by Shaq and Mourning like they're Carnival Cruise Line furniture.
