Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins called an air strike in on his own foxhole complaining about Phillies fans booing players. While the mighty-mouth All Star takes aim at fans Rollins apparently forgets it's Phillies owners and management who failed to build one single pitching staff in the past eight-years capable of achieving his off-stated goal of winning a championship. When fans boo-Jimmy listens. Rollins isn't the first player to get his panties wadded by fans booing let's take a walk through that field of dreams I like to call, If Loving You is Wrong I Don't Want to be Right...

On May 15, 1912--Peaches Ain't Always Sweet
The Detroit Tigers face the hometown New York Highlanders. Behind home plate, Highlanders fan Claude Lueker gives Detroit's Ty Cobb the business and then some. Lueker rides Cobb like a hobby horse every time the Peach bats.

Cobb warns the Highlanders and umpires if Luecker isn't ejected there's going to be hell to pay. When Luecker calls Cobb a "half-(racial epithet used primarily in rap songs)," Cobb takes to the stands and starts viciously beating Luecker. Fans beg Cobb to stop because Lueker has no hands. Cobb without missing a beat, punch or kick replies, "I don't care if he's got no feet!"

May 12, 1991--The Splinter Relents
Ted Williams Appreciation Day at Fenway Park, Ted Williams pulls a Red Sox cap from his jacket and tips it to the crowd--the only time he does so in his illustrious career. Williams considers Red Sox fans no better than wolves.

May 17, 1950, after being booed for fielding mistakes Teddy flips Fenway fans the bird three-times. August 7, 1956, after being booed for dropping an easy fly ball Williams spits at Fenway fans and is fined five-thousand dollars. He tells the Boston Herald he has no regrets, "I'd spit again at those booing ####s." Teddy was just warming up. July 23, 1958, after Kansas City fans booed him for not legging out a ground out Williams spits at the fans and earns a $250 dollar fine. Sept. 21, 1958, Upset after popping out, Williams hurls his bat in anger and hits a woman in the head sitting behind Boston's dugout. The hit doesn't count because it isn't an official at-bat. Williams pays a $50 fine.

In a pre-game speech before the final game of his career, Williams says, "I must say my stay in Boston has been the most wonderful thing in my life. If I were ever asked what I would do if I had to start my baseball career over again, I'd say I would want to play in Boston for the greatest owner in the game and the greatest fans in America." A fitting bookend to the quote Williams began his Red Sox career with, Aug. 14, 1940, Williams opines in a Boston newspaper, "I don't like this town. I don't like the people. I want to get out of town, and I'm praying that they trade me." The truth falls somewhere in between.

May 11, 2007--Junior goes XXL
The Reds face the Dodgers in LA and Dodger fan Matt Schafer starts heckling Ken Griffey Jr. "You suck ... shouldn't you be on the D.L.?... too old for center,...etc." But Junior takes it in stride.

"He was just on me every time I came in...Him being a little larger than normal, I just asked, 'Shouldn't you be wearing a support bra?'" In the sixth inning Griffey sends someone to find the largest brand new jockstrap in the clubhouse. They write the number "3" and "JR" on it, brown paper bag it and Griffey throws the bag to Schafer when he runs back onto the field.

Schafer dumbstruck by the response twirls the jockstrap in the air and the entire section breaks out in laughter--winning Griffey a new fan, Matt Schafer. When Griffey returns to the dugout Schafer apologizes for the things he said.

Bottom of the Ninth
So Jimmy ain't the first and won't be the last athlete booed. Fans are what they are down through the ages. How you handle it is a whole 'nother issue...I'm sure all of you have special memories of your favorite ballplayer showing fan love so feel free to drop a dime on them below...special thanks to Ty Cobb for his quick wit.

Shawn Chacon did what a lot of fans in Philly never got the chance to do. Grab Ed Wade by the throat, throw him to the ground and jump on him. The Houston Astros are doomed. The Ed Wade story proves in America you can grow up to be anything you want except maybe GM of a baseball team.

"So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him…Words were exchanged."

Shawn made a mistake here plain and simple. Everybody knows its choke all the way and then drop the lifeless body in a septic tank or well. For that he should be suspended. You either do it right or don't do it at all at this level of professional sports.

In Philly Ed Wade was the genius that traded All Star Curt Schilling for Omar Daal and Travis Lee, All Star Scott Rolen for Turk Wendell, Bud Smith and future All Star Placido Polanco. Only Placido never became an All Star in Philly because Ed Wade, you guessed it, traded him for machete wielding, arsonist, murderer and sometime head case reliever Ugueth Urbina. He traded future All Star Johnny Estrada for Kevin Millwood who proceeded to stink up 1 out of 2 seasons.

"Spoljaric, could you use that in a sentence please?"

He signed Andy Ashby who distinguished himself giving Phillies fans the finger and followed three straight seasons of 14 wins in San Diego with 4 wins in Philly. Wade is baseball's equivalent of Motel Hell when it comes to pitching, his Philly roster of acquisitions reads like a who isn't of pitching; Paul Spoljaric, Bruce Chen, Chad Ogea, Robert Person, and Vicente Padilla. Gutless, heartless and soft were used so often in the sports section of the Daily News, Dairy Queen advertised its ice cream was tougher.

Because of Wade, 3rd sackist David Bell played 4 seasons past his expiration date hitting an anemic .243 while hopeless Phillies fans jumped off the 700 level in despair.

Why Houston hired him remains an utter mystery. Personally I wouldn't pencil him in any baseball job higher than peanut vendor because even though he might have to make change for a five dollar bill he doesn't have to open the shells.

When 3rd Place is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

During Ed Wade's 8-season death grip on 3rd-5th place in the NL East, the Astros made the playoffs a total of 6 out of 8 seasons. Last season without Wade the Phillies won the division.

Now Wade gets to Houston. He trades a shutdown closer, Brad Lidge (1-0, 18 saves, 0.87 era), for a banjo-hitting outfielder. Plus he's already doing to Houston's pitching staff what he perfected in Philly. We call it Eddie's patented panic move, when things go bad, blame a pitcher, a couple of bad starts and you're yo-yo'd into oblivion.

"He is suspended pending final resolution of whatever move we end up making with him…"

Which is where Shawn Chacon comes in or more accurately goes out. Wade pulled one of his legendary temper tantrums and finally met a brick wall most adult people do when they throw hissy fits with guys bigger than them. Houston loses a so-so pitcher by making Chacon walk the plank, but if they don't get rid of Wade they're going to get baseball's bubonic plague.

No Question About It


Fowl Line Bonus Feature

My good friend and Phillies fan, Don Z. Block is the poet laureate of the Brooklyn Dodgers, his take on Ed Wade's demise as the Phillies GM is rightfully one of the greatest pieces of baseball satire ever scribbled...here it is in its entirety.

I was there with Eddie when the bombs began to fall. We could hear the enemy outside using flamethrowers, and the air was filled with screams. Throughout the battle, little Eddie never stopped smiling. When it became clear that they would be breaking through the bunker door in a matter of minutes, Eddie called for his pet puffin, Charlie, patted it on top of its rather large gray head, and gave it a big, wet farewell kiss. By now we were all crying. Then Eddie slipped the bird some aspirin, and seconds later the creature exploded rather messily.

Eddie then asked us all to line up in a row so that he could shake our hands. When he came to me, I was so overcome that I could not look at him, but Eddie said, "Be brave, Paul. You were my finest acquisition. I will never forget how nobly you filled in for Randy. I want you to do me one last favor!" And he whispered in my ear what he wanted. I couldn't believe it.

Seconds later, I was toeing a mock piece of rubber in the bunker with the door behind me. At a mock plate stood Endy Chavez, a hitter with a reputation for always making contact. In my left hand, by the scruff of his neck, I held little Eddie Wade. I wound up and threw Eddie toward Endy. Endy took a mighty swing and finally made tremendous contact. Little Eddie went zooming towards the door on a straight line, and he lasered through it with a loud boom and a bright light--and then he disappeared.

We never saw him again. That night, the sky was filled with shooting stars--lots of them. And one of them, I am certain, was the Little Eddie.

The Phillies attempted to curse the New York Mets yesterday burying ace hurler Johan Santana behind a concession stand at Citizens Bank Ballpark.  The Phillies took their cue from a construction worker who buried a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey, (dubbed Hex Shirt), in the new Yankee ballpark to curse the Yankees.  The Phillies went one step further burying an actual player.

"I was eeting breakfasts burrito when banditos keecked ze door in and I was keednaps," commented a perplexed Santana before being buried under two-feet of Portland reinforced cement.
                    
Excited fans crowded around the site jostling for a better view as Phillies owner William "Cheap" Giles and General Manager Pat Gillick pressed their hand prints into the quick drying cement.  Giles in a prepared statement said, "We hope this brings the Mets as much bad luck as possible while preserving the good natured rivalry we enjoy."  Santana's reply was a cryptic, "Blurb, blurb, blurb."

Mets executives were understandably outraged.  "We intend to file an immediate grievance with the Commissioner's Office we strongly condemn this practice and seek the return of our ace," said Farleigh "Skip" Mellon, Mets VP of Marketing.  "Anytime you innovate there are bound to be fuddy duddy's who disagree," replied Ruben Amaro Jr. Phillies Asst. GM.
         
Meanwhile MLB Commissioner Bud Selig fresh from his triumphant announcement reversing tepid punishments doled out during his steroid whitewash was reluctant to comment.  "Can they do that?"  Selig asked before being hustled away to attend the American Pharmaceutical Association Banquet where he is accepting an award for Lifetime Excellence in Promoting Pharmacopoeia in the Workplace.
          
In related news, United Local Building and Trades Council 903 threw up picket lines around the Santana burial site protesting the use of undocumented day laborers to dig the hole and pour the cement.  Local President Faffy "####" Ionini had this to say, "The use of non-union scabs to construct this site is shocking as well as distressing on many levels."  When asked if the Local would interfere with Santana being dug up at Selig's order Ionini replied between bulging mouthfuls of greasy cheese steak, "Who the @%#! is that @#&hole?"   

Welcome to all the sports you can cram into a sackful of Mondays.
    
Kobe Gets T-Boned
"You shouldn't jump on junior. His dad might carry a grudge against you..." chided the Zenmaster when he played the Daddy card in a post-game presser referring to NBA referee Brian Forte, son of NBA Official Joe who T-Boned Super Kobe after he dropped 21 points and 10 assists on the not so Supersonics. Kobe jibber-jabbered his way off the court for an imagined foul Forte refused to call. LA up thirty-something polished off the future Oklasonics 111-91. Kobe finished the game from the locker room.

    
Dirty Ol' Racetrack
NASCAR fans all over the country have the Sprint Cup Series Auto Club 500 flu today as anticipated rain nixed the final 163 laps. They say the 3rd time's the charm but five hours and 2 previous rain delays doomed two-time reigning series champion Jimmie Johnson's attempt to three-peat. The worst culprit? Leaking seams or weepers. Let's zoom in with Junior-vision, "The track's real dirty and guys are just sliding all over the place. It's a dirty ol' racetrack out there." Reed Sorenson, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Casey Mears, Sam Hornish Jr., Joe Nemechek, Elliott Sadler, and Robby Gordon were all involved in accidents or spun out.
    
Where Are They Now? Hockey or Le No!
Toronto Maple Leaf Mats Sundin refused to waive his no trade clause which means virtually nothing to 99.9999% of us and only slightly more to the fortunes of the Leafs.
     
Golfinator Destroys Fifth Course Can Mankind be Saved?
Meanwhile the entire golf world prostrates itself before the rampaging Tiger (El Tony del Tigre) Woods who turned Golfinator this year breaking four straight tournament scoring records, notching five straight victories worldwide and yet still drives a Buick, the lamest SUV on the market. When asked if he could win them all, the Golfinator processed and flashed this on his plasma golf monitor, "That's my intent, that's why you play. If you don't believe you can win an event, don't show up." Yikes!  Somebody call Sara Connor...
               
Say Didn't You Suck in Houston?
Finally, Brad Lidge injured himself on his very first pitch in the Grape for those Phillies continuing the low, low standard set last season by Freddy Garcia for wasting the most salary with the least effort by a Phillies pitcher. The cause of his injury? The pitching rubber. Surgery to follow, stay tuned, same Lidge time, same Lidge station, as we follow this breaking down pitcher story.

      

Unless the Phillies come to their senses, Ryan Howard faces his first arbitration hearing today. The problem with arbitration isn’t in the decision it’s in the process. A panel of independent arbitrators hears a one-hour presentation from the player’s representative followed by a one-hour team presentation with an additional half-hour of rebuttal by both sides culminating in a closing argument.

The arbitrators are bound to decide for either the number the player seeks or the team. A winner takes all proposition bet and that system over time always favors the house. In games of chance the house always has better odds regardless of the seeming fairness of the wager.

      

I don’t expect a guy who swats home runs like a machine to understand Bayesian math, hell except for picking a faster supermarket line I’m not sure I do but essentially the Bayesian interpretation of probability says the more lines that open in a supermarket the less likely you are to pick the fastest one. If 2 lines are open you have a 50% chance of being right, if 10 are open your odds drop to 10%.

I can only imagine SABR adherents nodding their heads about now and saying it’s about time that Hardiman fellow finally used some math. That’s the same way I feel about arbitration the more times you use it on a player the lower your odds are of him staying with your team. Since you are the casino in this process the more likely he is to lose in repeated trials and we all know one thing about life. All business is personal.

                 

In Howard’s case the facts are as plain as the nose on the Phillies face. He won the Rookie of the Year, the very next season he tub-thumped Albert Pujols by spotting him a lead in the MVP race, then passed him like he was standing still and beat him in a photo-finish. Finally he had a horrific slump and strikeout problem last season and still swatted over 40 HR’s.

I don’t need math to figure a league awash in a steroid problem that festers greatly by their indifference needs teams up to their necks in hundreds of millions of dollars in profit to start the season by eye-poking one of the finest power hitter’s the game and Phillies organization ever produced.

                

That same organization will go in with a straight face today and present their analysis of his contributions past, present and future. They should have to defend the blithering stupidity of trying to trade him repeatedly in the minors for mid-rotation starters and benching him at the start of his MVP season so an injured veteran could resume his starting position. Or explain why they are so tight-fisted when he's reached 100 HR's faster than anyone in NL history in his first two and a half years, broken all sorts of swatting records at a cost of less than $1.7 million dollars during that time which has to be the best dollars to donuts return on a buck the Phillies have ever seen...Only a revolt of season ticket holders Barney Fifed the idiocy of benching or trading him when Jim Thome returned from injury--the ticket holders nipped it in the bud with threats of returning their tickets. All of which clearly illustrates how little the Phillies know, understand or appreciates the contribution Ryan Howard represents in any given season.

Baseball needs to allow the arbitrators to pick a number between the two sides that realistically gauges a player’s worth as well as eliminates the house odds MLB currently enjoys. Until then the Lords of Baseball will keep roulette wheeling the very product that fills their pockets. The Phillies meanwhile need to man up and at least offer him the middle of the two numbers and then start figuring out why anybody in their right mind would ever tamper with a slugging nucleus of Howard, Utley & Rollins. Great teams embrace great players they don't run the cheap play book on each and every one of them.

UPDATE
HOWARD WAFFLES PHILLIES IN ARBITRATION

Ryan Howard has broken a lot of records in his short career so it's no surprise he did the same thing in arbitration...

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Ryan Howard won his salary arbitration case against the Philadelphia Phillies on Thursday when he was award $10 million, the highest figure awarded a victorious player.
The 2006 NL MVP, who had been offered $7 million by the Phillies, became the first player to win in six arbitration cases this season.

The Phillies proving the theory their farm system is simply a garbage disposal for talent shipped 2005 Paul Owens Award winner (as the Phillies best minor league hitter), Chris Roberson, to those Baltimore Orioles for cash because he is out of options. The Phillies had no place on their major league roster for a .286 swatting center fielder despite losing Aaron Rowand.

Recognizing the upside of outfielding mutts, malcontents, relics and castoffs like Jenkins, Taguchi, Burrell, & Werth greatly exceeded that of the 28 yr. old Roberson, the Phillies used one bad game at their site to remind us all how brilliant they are for grabbing a handful of sawbucks like a cigarette blasted stripper at a bachelor party...f!@#-ing dreadful.

Here's a thought, take him to spring training get him some AB's if he outplays the dreck you signed in the off season you ship them to Baltimore for something, anything.

Phillies Projected 2008 Starters

SS Jimmy Rollins
CF Shane Victorino
2B Chase Utley
1B Ryan Howard
LF Pat Burrell
RF Geoff Jenkins
3B Greg Dobbs
C Carlos Ruiz
SP Cole Hamels
SP Brett Myers
SP Kyle Kendrick
SP Jamie Moyer
SP Adam Eaton
CL Brad Lidge

Look at the rotation, do the math, Kendrick, Moyer and Eaton give you 30 wins tops, Which means Hamels and Myers and the relievers need to notch 65-70 wins to get you to the playoffs. Absolutely nuts. That doesn't even account for injuries.

2008 Arrivals:

RHP Brad Lidge,
Farging headcase reliever, gives the Phillies their best used-to-be good reliever since that batshit machete wielding maniac Ugueth "Chops" Urbina.

OF Chris Snelling,
Just what we need to go with our .240 hitting reserve infielders, a .240 hitting outfielder. Why did we sign a mutt like this instead of promoting Roberson? Another freaking Mariner stiff courtesy of the Gillick Ratline.

INF/OF Eric Bruntlett,
This guy is like having a cheap imitation Swiss Army Knife, can play virtually every position but has no stick whatsoever. I'm not worried about this guy though because he is a super utility guy.

OF Geoff Jenkins,
Just what we needed. Aaron Rowand lite. If he can swat .270 with 20 Sputniks and 75 RBI's it's a win-win. If his BA continues its 2007 downward spiral it will make Dave Dellucci's career as a Phillie look like the Yankee Clipper's...

RHP Chad Durbin,
Tweener's never prosper.  Ryan Franklin 2.

OF So Taguchi,
38 years old. Can pinch swat with the best of them. Will he hit like Greg or Kevin Gross? Stay tuned.

LHP Shane Youman,
How many pitchers named Youman will get a chance to suck for the Phillies?

Departures:

CF Aaron Rowand,
Ouch. Will haunt the Phillies.  Don't care how many years he wanted.  The Phillies sign lousy contracts all the time.

2B Tadahito Iguchi,
Phillies get double screwed, 1st by Iguchi's wishful thinking he'd start elsewhere then by some arcane roster/signing MLB rule.

RHP Kyle Lohse,
Don't miss him already. Wants mad money for not that good of an arm.

OF Michael Bourn,
Again, don't understand why with Rowand gone and Burrell done after 2008 why the Phillies are flushing their farm system clean of outfielders as fast as they can.

RHP Geoff Geary,
Prototypical anonymous Phillies reliever, good every other year, maybe.

INF Abraham Nunez,
The South of the Border equivalent of David Bell. Pepe says "You Steenk!"

C Rod Barajas,
Single worst signing last year and that includes Freddie Garcia. The guy mutts .230 for the Phillies and reminds us all how bad a catcher can be.

RHP Antonio Alfonseca,
I don't understand this one, I thought he did OK, he must have wanted to be paid which is a one way ticket off the Phillies.

RHP Jose Mesa,
Joey Table is alright with me. He reminds me of those stereotype actors "We don' need no steenking badgees" Every time he ends up back on the gang that couldn't pitch straight, I feel like everything I ever said about Bill Giles being a greedy miser intent on fielding the cheapest lousiest team possible is right on the money.

Phillies.com couldn't make it any plainer, the Phillies ain't doing a damn thing this off-season. More lowball nonsensical offers and the same old denial of what the market bears for actual talent.

Pitching starved? Apparently not.
Highly sought after Japanese right-hander Hiroki Kuroda has scheduled a visit to three U.S. cities: Seattle, Los Angeles and Phoenix. "We're out of the Kuroda deal," Gillick said. "We had a difference of opinion on the contract." The sides met for the final time Wednesday morning, and the Phillies were believed to have presented a new offer that wasn't close to the four-year, $44 million deal that is reportedly being offered by Seattle.-(source Phillies.com-Ken Mandel)

Eleven freaking million a year for a starter is chump change. Peanuts. Say he sucks, say he can't pitch, but don't say he can and then offer him less than 10% of what the Sox paid Dice K to help win the World Series last year.

Beauty is Only Skin Deep -Cheap Goes All the Way Through
"I don't want to pay for a Cadillac when I'm buying a Ford Fusion." assistant general manager Mike Arbuckle, on the price of average pitching at the Winter Meetings.-(source Phillies.com-Ken Mandel)

Great Arbuckle's been absorbed by the collective. I'll pay Cadillac prices for a Ford Fusion if it will get me to where I need to be and the alternative is total failure.

Stalin Had Five-Year Plans -the Phillies Have One
The Phillies appear to be the front-runners to sign free-agent right-hander Kris Benson, who is scheduled to audition for about nine clubs in Phoenix on Dec. 17. He missed the 2007 season with a partially torn rotator cuff and wants to show clubs that he's fully recovered. Philadelphia is intrigued with Benson because of his willingness to accept a one-year deal.-(source Phillies.com-Ken Mandel)

Benson would give us the perfect bookend crazy wife to go with Brett Myers Hillbilly Love-fest. Benson has been downright brutal since his career year in 2000. The guy is at best a 10 game winner, and a .500 pitcher who is so DL-prone he might injure himself signing a contract. He has an arm like a leg, send that mule packing!

Phillies Use Inertia to Might, Almost, Kinda, Sorta Get a Real 3rd Sacker
With Florida suddenly searching for a third baseman it has approached Philadelphia about acquiring Wes Helms, who represents a low-cost alternative at the position. Helms, a disappointment with the Phils last season, will earn $2.15 million for 2007. The team wouldn't mind dealing him, despite the fact it would leave a hole. Helms played for Florida in 2006 and batted .329 with 10 home runs. The Phillies might then turn to displaced Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge. He is owed $19.1 million over the next three seasons, and Detroit would have to pick up a portion of that salary.-(source Phillies.com-Ken Mandel)

This story should read Phillies go after Inge with guns blazing. But instead they're pussyfooting around and another team will trump them sure as the sun will rise and Ed Wade is now the 2nd worse GM in the NL. Gillick shows a big fat goose egg in initiative here. Dump Helms. Catapult him. Get Inge!

Rowand Now Officially G-G-Gone
Rowand a long shot: Whether it's frustration or not, Gillick termed Aaron Rowand's chances of returning to Philadelphia a "long shot" after a 30-minute meeting with Rowand's agent, Craig Landis. The Phillies are holding firm on a three-year proposal -- and are willing to overpay. They may even go for a fourth year if it seals the deal. Rowand's camp appears to be holding out for five years, -(source Phillies.com-Ken Mandel)

So once again the Phillies offer includes multiple fatal defects. Then it really isn't an offer at all. If you were selling your house and wanted $400,000 and I offered $250,000 plus you have to throw in the family cars. Would I call that offer a long shot? No, I'd call it a hare-brained exercise in lunacy.

You Say Beat I Say Tomato
Philadelphia released pitcher Julio Mateo. Mateo also had off-the-field issues stemming from an alleged domestic dispute and faces a third-degree assault charge. There are indications that the team has learned his problems are more serious than initially thought.-(source Phillies.com-Ken Mandel)

In other words the Phillies weren't concerned with him pasting his wife apparently that's OK, the Phillies set a new low here. Proving there are still unknown depths to plumb in the situational ethics of the Phillies.

(reprinted from the Phillies Barstool @ The Baseball Institute of Technology)

Oh great another Astro's closer, hope this one works out better than WagHole! If you're a blithering optimist the Phillies trading for Brad Lidge makes perfect sense. If you're a lifelong Phillies fan your digging a fallout shelter in the backyard.

Let's look at the "glass is half full" theory. Trading Bourn, Geary, and Costanzo for Lidge means the Phillies get to move Brett Myers back into the rotation. A win-win trade. Fair enough. I'll raise you Freddy Garcia for Gonzalez and Floyd. See what I mean? That trade netted one win and eleven starts before bursting into flames like a Tibetan Monk at a Rage Against the Machine concert.

Let's look at the "glass is half empty" theory. Geary and Bourn, equal value for a head case reliever with a propensity for melting down in the playoffs. Is that the sweet smell of a three-run Albert Pujols Sputnik from Game 5 of the 2005 NL championship series wafting off Lidge? We should also point out Lidge's 2007 DL -worthy pulled left-side oblique muscle and post-season surgery to repair torn cartilage in his right knee. But forget all that.

What about Mike Costanza the Phillies minor league system's 1st legitimate power swatting 3rd sacker since, um, hold-on, enjoy the moment, Mike Schmidt??? The guy swats .270 with 27 boxes of waffles and 86 RBI's!!! Needless to say they're justifying it by saying he commits too many errors and strikeouts (same thing they said about Ryan Howard) but apparently not enough for Ed Wade to swipe him from the doddering Pat Gillick. Congrats Pat you've managed to completely denude the farm system in just 2 years. You're strip coal mining and rain forest slash 'n burn all rolled into one.

To wrap it up, the deal stinks. Myers should have been a starter with Hamels no matter what. Switching him to closer was desperation because Manuel can't win a stinking game before July. Now with this deal the Phillies will sit on their hands and act like Hamels, Myers, Moyer, Kendrick and Eaton will get you to the World Series.

This kind of off-season do-nothing stupidity is the hallmark of the Giles regime. Real starters even mediocre ones, still better than the back 3/5th's of the Phillies rotation will be deemed too pricey and next season we'll fall short by a game or need a team to implode like the Mets to even smell the playoffs. As for Costanzo, we've seen this happen before, only then we got Ivan DeJesus and the Cubs got Ryne Sandberg...

Even the Hindenburg only took a minute to crash and burn. The Mets on the other hand hit the ground with a sickening slow-motion splat instant replayed night after night. From May 16th until last night the Mets held 1st place. Not anymore. They're tied for 1st place with the Phightin' Phillies now and quite frankly both teams look like they're headed in very different directions.

As a public service for soon to be ex-Mets manager Willie Randolph we've collected as many sports cliches as possible from around the web-o-verse so he won't also finish the season at a loss for words. Hell he'll only need to use them for three more gut wrenching losses...We call them:

"Mets-aphors for Losing"

The final score is the only statistic that matters.
They outplayed us in every phase (facet) of the game.
They wanted it more than we did.
We had our chances but we let them slip away.
We came up a little short.
We don't care about moral victories.
They caught us on an off night.
It just wasn't meant to be.
Turnovers killed us.
They out-hustled us.
They out-muscled us.
They out-coached us.
We got a wake-up call.
We weren't mentally prepared.
We came out flat.
We beat ourselves.
We only have to look in the mirror.
They ate our lunch.
They've had our number all season.
They own us.
This is a bitter pill to ####.
It's going to be a long plane ride home.
I take full responsibility for this loss.
We didn't get the job done.
Not to take away anything from them, but we didn't play like we're capable of playing.
My hat's off to them.
I tip my hat to them.
You've got to hand it to them.
Give them all the credit.
The best team won today.
He always has his team ready to play.
We can still hold our heads high.
These guys have nothing to be ashamed of.
They just made the big plays and we didn't.
They stepped up and made the plays.
We didn't match their intensity.
We didn't maintain the intensity.
We lost our focus.
I don't want to point fingers.
There were too many defensive lapses.
Our defense was a non-factor.
Our defense didn't show up today.
We dug ourselves a deep hole.
We shot ourselves in the foot.
The ball just didn't bounce our way.
We didn't get the big breaks today.
We'll just have to put this loss behind us.
I'm really proud of our guys.
It's been a great ride.
Unfortunately there are days like this.
We're in the business of winning.
It's the nature of this business.
It's time to move on.
Everyone has to be held accountable.
It's all about winning and losing.
I take the blame.
I'm the last one to make excuses.
Obviously I'm disappointed things didn't work out.
I'm looking forward to my future endeavors.
I'm going to spend more time with my family.

Finally Randolph could appeal to the rich history of the game as an excuse:

The '51 Dodgers blew the biggest August lead of all-time --13 games on Aug.11...before Bobby Thomson sank them with the infamous "Shot heard round the world..."

The 1964 Phillies led by Gene Mauch squandered a 6 1/2 game lead with just 12 to play and were caught by not one but two teams, the Reds who tied for 2nd with the Phils and the Cards who went on to win the World Series. I'll never forget Art Mahaffy and his glacial delivery allowing a guy to steal home and score the only run for the 1st loss at home during that slide. 

The Red Sox lost a 14 game July lead to the Yankees in 1978 before losing the pennant on a Bucky Dent homer at Fenway Park in a tie-breaking playoff game. This is the worst loss of them all because a guy named Bucky should never ever beat you. I'd have to check with Dayn Perry on this but only a guy named "Bunny" could hang a bigger loss on you.

I'll admit I'm the single most bitter and cynical Phillies fan in the universe with the possible exception of my friends Androctus, or Don Z Block. Rightfully so. I've sat through the last half decade and watched with numbing horror "Groundhog Day" replayed nine innings at a time on the last day of the season while the Phillies fell one stinking win short of the playoffs.

There's no mystery here, the Phillies dead flat refusal to keep young pitching prospects or acquire them as free agents comes home to roost with a vengeance like satanic swallows returning to Capistrano, an Oktoberfest of failure.

This year's no different, here we are 11 games shy of the game that rips a sucking chest wound in my love for baseball and those magnificent ####s are pulling out all the stops. Utley, Howard, Rollins, Burrell & Rowand plus a cast of mutts, rejects and pure grit keep smacking the catcrap out of the ball. Swatting their way past a bullpen that redefines suck and like Rocky Balboa they refuse to stay beaten.

Reluctantly I have to tip my hat to a team that's seen more pitchers this season than a rathskeller at Penn State.

Last night was no exception, a brutal 14 frame bar fight with the defending World Champion Cardinals. The bullpens emptied and unlikely heroes, like pinch swatter Rod Barajas (fresh off the DL) Texas leaguing the winning RBI and Jayson Werth (found on a scrap heap in the off season) pushing two more runs across home plate with a triple sacker giving the Phightin's a bare knuckle 7-4 win. Whew.

The game marked the return of southpaw phenom-hurler Cole Hamels who looked good in the 1st inning and shakier than Brittney Spears parenting skills in the next two. Hamels allowed 3 runs on 5 swats. Clay Condrey who got shelled in his last outing, earned his first career save, while Old Hoss, Jose Mesa whiffed two in two frames of work.

So in the words of the immortal Tugger, You Gotta Believe. The Mets are finding news ways to lose every night dropping 5 in a row including getting swept by the Phils and blowing a 4 run lead against the Nats last night. In the worst jinx possible, FOXSports scribbler Ken Rosenthal went to the Gene Mauch option on Mets manager Willie Randolph. Mauch the infamous Phillies skipper blew a 6 & 1/2 game lead with 12 to go in 1964...Yikes! Will I finally reach the Promised Land? Or see my hopes dashed like a clam on the rocks? Stay tuned, same Bat time, same Bat station...

Over the last three seasons the hardest hitting slugger in baseball plays like a man with his head on fire. He doesn’t play in Boston, New York or even San Francisco he plays in Philly. Ryan Howard hasn’t had his usual Rookie of the Year, MVP season but he has improved his average to .270 with 35 boxes of waffles and 108 RBI’s.

With more than a month to go in the season he could reach 50 homers for the second year in a row. With the return of Chase Utley the Phillies have the most exciting infield in baseball featuring leadoff hitter Jimmie Rollins, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard. Even with “Fill in the Blank” playing 3rd sack it’s a team that thrives on big games.

Despite a pitching staff that reeks of spit, liniment and bailing wire led by a pitcher who faced Mike Schmidt three years before he retired in 1989, the Phillies refuse to give up. Last night sent a message to the NL East leading Mets. No lead is safe.

Tom Glavine pitching his way into the Hall of Fame held the big sticks in check for seven scoreless innings, scattering seven hits and issuing no free lunches but the bullpen unraveled his gem in the 8th frame when Rollins hit a his 23rd box of waffles and Shane Victorino tied the game on Aaron Rowand’s dribbler halfway down the 3rd sack line that rolled as dead as the Mets chances of winning the game.

Then with Victorino on in the 10th Home Run Howard smacked his walk off and for the second game in a row the Mets fell to the Phillies. This is what baseball is all about. The season glowing white hot on a summer night when legends are born and a guy like Howard hits a homer in the gloamin’

Dear Phillies,
By the time you read this, I'll be gone. The kids are gone too, I sold them for medical experiments rather than live with the soul crushing shame of 10,000 losses. They're better off dissolved into stem cells than living a life of overwhelming guilt. What kind of monsters would they become with every kid on the playground calling their Daddy "the Big L" "Loserman" "La-La-La-Looooozer?"

When you built our new house at Citizen Park you promised to turn over a new leaf and be a winner, but that was just another lie, like "Honey I think I can pitch to Joe Carter with an open base." Instead I keep seeing you running around with the same crowd, Manuel, Montgomery and that really pasty kid Giles. They're trouble. Besides I think Giles keeps stealing the guest soap from our bathroom.

At last I won't have to endure stares and laughter from Agnes, Martha, and Paula, you know how I hate her husband, the Yankees. Just look at all the nice rings he's got her.

I left a casserole in the fridge, it wouldn't fit in the glove compartment and I hope you take my advice to get counseling. It isn't normal to lose so many games. Remember your grandfather? He lost every season from 1918 to 1948, Oh pardon me, before you get angry, he did have a winning season in 1932, so maybe this losing thing is hereditary. But you can break the cycle of shame. I won't be your enabler. I've been attending baseball anonymous, at BA we learn even if we aren't perfect, we can at least win the wild card.

Sheila

Lieber, Geary, Smith, Alfonseca, and Myers combined for an 8 frame gem before Flush Gordon lowered the boom in the ninth and tenth... 

The loss to those Reds dropped the Phillies to a cold fusion hot record of 4-11.

Let's use the Bat cam to zoom in on the H.L. Mencken of managers courtesy of the Associated Press:

(AP) Afterward, manager Charlie Manuel said there was no thought to replacing Gordon, who has given up two homers, 10 hits, four walks and a hit batter in 6 1-3 innings.

"Right now, Gordon's our closer," Manuel said. "He's been our closer, we signed him as a closer. That's something we haven't even discussed. We've got to get him sharp."

Barstool Note:
Sharp?  I'll tell you who looks dull here.  When does Manuel give any thought to a change that would alter their current torrid 33% chance of victory?  Myers and Alfonseca are right under Manuel's gin blossomed, bulbous proboscis.  What did we hire them to do by his narrow definition?

If you get MLB Premium you've already heard the Mets announcers mocking Jimmy Rollins for his remarks and also for the Phillies being beaten like the wife of a trailer park alcoholic this season.

Today's game followed the predictible pattern, a quality start completely squandered by atrocious fielding, lackluster relief pitching, lacksadaisical managing and finally, one putrid inning that should come with a surgeon general's warning that viewing it may rip your beating love of baseball from your chest and burn it to a blackened crisp before your very eyes...

 Let's do the math, a 1-6 start three seasons in a row, followed by  missing the  playoffs by less than three games.
 

Manuel must go.

Today in a ritual of spring, as immutable as the swallows returning to Capistrano, the Philadelphia Phillies lost the 1st game of the season, squandering a 7 and 2/3rd inning gem by Brett Myers.

Losing in April is the perennial post-season knife to the gut haunting the tenure of Charlie Manuel. For most teams, April and May are not indelibly burned into the spleens of the fans, like it is for the Phillies. Missing the playoffs by less than a handful for the past three seasons is the mutant #### love-child of horrific Aprils, Mays and, in leap years, June.

Besides Myers, shimmering 3 run-4 potato-2 free lunch-9 whiff-sitting down 13 out of 14 in a row, performance, there were other bright spots, like Wes "Don't Mess With" Helms, bashing his first extra sack hit, the mighty J-Roll launching a box of waffles, while "Cheetah Boy" Rowand, in not making a spectacular catch, nevertheless denied a triple-sacker.

On the minus, the Phightin's stranded 7, and a fluke play ended a rally when a 1st sack umpire ruled Ryan "MVP" Howard out for interference when his heel was or wasn't nipped by an Utley single. The difference between was or wasn't spurred Philly's beloved dugout-fence Garfield, Charlie Manuel, to weakly argue the position held by most people with eyes, while the umpire held firm to his blind as a bat call.

My star of the game goes to Phillies boadcaster and Hall of Famer Harry Kalas. His dulcet tones, economy and perfect timing make every Opening Day as anticipated as Chistmas for Phillies fans.